Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

Desi looked warily at the video camera and the script I’d handed him. “When I said ‘massage,’ I didn’t know it was gonna be weird massage,” he said.

“It’s just a little role play,” I said. “It’s not weird, it’s kinky. And recording it makes it even kinkier.”

“I don’t know how I feel about this,” he said, clearly uncomfortable.

“Look Desi, I’m a kinky girl. And if I’m gonna be with someone as more than friends, they’ve gotta be kinky. So are you down, or not?”

“I’m down, I’m down!” he said.

“Okay,” I said, getting behind the camera. “When I give the signal, you say the lines from the script. And…action!”

Desi began speaking into the camera. “Desi’s video diary, July 5th…” He stopped. “Wait, today isn’t July, it’s August.”

I gave an exasperated sigh. “We’re role-playing,” I said. “It’s make believe. Got it?”

“Got it,” he said.

“Okay, from the top. And…action!”

“Desi’s video diary, July 5th, 2012. Today I, Desi Collings, have decided I can no longer be just friends with Amy, and that I’m going to make her be more than friends with me whether she wants to or not. In a couple hours, I will go to her house and kidnap her. First, I will cut her in the kitchen so her blood gets on the floor. Then we’ll have a struggle in the living room, in which books fall the wrong way off the table, photos on the mantle miraculously stay upright, and the piano flips over…”