F#ck Festive Day

Nestled in the foothills of the majestic Wuzar Kingdom was a tiny little town spread out around the outskirts of Lake Shrewhurst. This tiny throbbing cosmopolis was known to all as Waterside Queeff for reasons only the locals could tell you...and they seldom talked to anyone because of restraining orders and AVO’s. It was a boring little town with a population of about 500 dwarfs, re-located Trolls awaiting trial that had been moved by the constabulary for prisoner reconsignment and a throng of magical 'hangers on' that came out of the foothills to fish, burg someone’s home then hide out in the garbage dump till the heat blew over.

At the residence of the Mittenglitter’s on 66 Saffron Way there was an inordinate amount of yelling and screaming going on as Dhobit and his wife Fizzle exchanged views on why so many of their family members were coming to their home to bludge off them for that special 'Festive' time of the year.

No one was winning the argument at all and make up sex looked completely out of the question...and this was rare because usually after a fight they were both all over each other like a heat rash in summer.

“Did you know that cousins of yours from Osmain and Moswor were coming with their kids as well to STAY HERE OVER THAT WEEK END?” said Fizzle digging her fingers into the kitchen sink leaving small dents whilst fuming at her husband.

“No...I didn’t know that so thank you for telling me because now I am going to hide all the silver wear and jewellery because those two ratbags would steal the harness off a nightmare” said Dhobit trying his best to console his lovely, but bright angry red wife.

“How will we feed them all?” said Fizzle with tears in eyes.

“Give them a fishing rod each and some bait and tell them all to catch their own food?” blurted out Dhobit nervously getting ready to duck and weave through a barrage of wild swinging punches.

“....AND PRESENTS...YOU KNOW THEY WILL ALL WANT PRESENTS as well those bastards” yelled Fizzle almost reaching breaking point.

“Ummm, how about we have a raffle and the first prize is something nice...like some bait or something that is about to expire from the fridge or how about I steal the presents off all our rich neighbours and hand out those to clan?”

“Did I marry you...really did I?” enquired Fizzle in a sarcastic tone and puzzled look on her face.

“Yes you did my little cherry jubilee...and I was so proud on that day” said Dhobit moving up behind Fizzle with his hands extended to grab her and having his calloused hands swatted away from Fizzles backside.

Yep make up sex was definitely a NO GOER! Author

“Maybe we could scare them off I know a few Trolls down the pub who can curdle milk with just one fart...that do the trick Fizz?”

“Don’t judge those poor trolls Dhobit because that's not very kind...unless they are particularly stupid ok?”

“Ok love chunks” said Dhobit sheepishly.

“Please...don’t call me that ever again or I will start calling you trigger dick and see how you like it ok?”

“Um good point...that one I’ve filed in the memory bank now till an hour after I am dead and the wrong side of the grass”

“Good...at least we agree on something” said Fizzle turning to face Dhobit with a satisfied look on her face matched with a smile that was more like a sneer.

“I must say Fizz you look extremely attractive today in that dress with matching red festive boots” said Dhobit like he was reading a radio play script and Fizzle just smiled back at him ...but it was a smile he didn’t know how to read well AT ALL.

“Don’t think you can butter me up with that silver coated tongue of yours either lover boy...we have a huge problem that will be here in plague proportions knocking on our door in 4 weeks time so we have to suss this out ok...any ideas genius?” said Fizzle with her hands on her hips.

“Well I had a few ideas last night and I wrote them down wanna hear them?” and Dhobit started unfolding a sheet of paper he produced from his pocket.

“Yes I would... at last...some sense coming out of you...read on”

“Well Fizz my love, if we ruin the festive day maybe they will leave early and then we are sure never to be asked again to have it here soooooooo....I thought...how about I read smutty, holiday, gay troll stories to the elderly guests...this could work especially well with the homophobic ones the best...then...explain to all the kids at the party that the gingerbread man is living in a gingerbread house made entirely from his own flesh....then...use condoms as balloons and see how long it takes for the crowd to catch on...then...maybe get the local police to arrest both of us and lock the house so the bastards can’t come in...” and Dhobit looked up from his sheet to see Fizzle holding her head in her hands and shaking her head from side to side.

“no No NO!...are you a Terra Cotta-Furred Quagga or what??”

“That hurts Fizz” said Dhobit screwing up his notes in his calloused hand.

“Look every day we delay is a day we will be sent to the poor house LITERALLY or taken away to the funny farm we have to come up with answers and do it QUICKLY”

"I agree Fizz" and Dhobit extending his arms to hug his wife slowly sliding them down her back to grab her butt cheeks again and again, this time with a huge degree of surprise, he felt a warm hand cup his testicles and squeeze them taking his breath away.

“Not today OK?”

Dhobit squeaked back "Okay babe"

Fun Fact: Santa is an anagram for satan! Author