F#ck Festive Day

Dhobit and Fizzle Mittenglitter had been married for 13 years, had no children, owned their home and were really happy in each others company. Yes...they had family and cousins to speak of but basically they lived a quiet life tending to their veggie garden, going on excursions out together that they called 'outings' and keeping to themselves which is how they liked it.

Dhobit was a good steady worker and Fizzle was a great housekeeper, cook and friend. They never fought or were loud and rowdy at each other...they just got on with each really well and there lives were great.

This year it was different...something fucked it up!

It’s called “Festive Day”.

This year ALL of the relatives, cousins, spongers, interstate family, overseas family and hoard of friends were going to be living at their place for Festive Day, and Dhobit wasn’t happy about it. Basically Dhobit’s family gene pool could use a shit load of chlorine in it and they were all going to be up close and personal for the holiday season AT HIS HOUSE!!!

What had Dhobit & Fizzle done to deserve this?

Was this a form of family revenge on him for not having kids?

Was there a sign on his house that said.... 'FREELOADERS WELCOME'

Either way...it was going to be extremely unpleasant being in the company of all these people that would eat all of his food, abuse and block his toilet and raise the noise volume inside his home to unbearable levels most likely causing him to have a stroke and his lovely wife a heart attack. This meant raising anything of value to him 6ft or higher to evade probing fingers and hands...and for that fact taking anything valuable and burying it in the backyard far away from prying eyes. He loved his family but he didn’t trust them as far as he could throw them on a good day!

To make sure he kept the throng of spongers off his back he would almost have to rob a bank to pay for the presents he would have to acquire for the gaggle of children who would be there and right at that very moment...he thought about grabbing Fizzle, ( in the nicest possible way ), burning the house to the ground and catching a train to another country, digging a very deep hole and both of them hiding out until the 'festive' season was over or banned because of how pointless it seemed to him. Festive was almost the right word but Fester seemed more appropriate to Dhobit because Fester meant (of a wound or sore) become septic and that was how it was feeling for him.

For Dhobit and Fizzle it was imperative that he not let the 'Christmas Fluff ' get in the way of him surviving the family bullshit he was sure he was going to be thrown into the middle of. After all...it was just one day, a mere one 24 hour period of having to endure festive frivolity at its peak.

He could do this...but will he still be able to dress himself, use cutlery to put food in his mouth or would he be so depleted the men in white pyjamas would come and take him away to some mental institution?

Dhobit was betting on the latter!

“When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas” Author