F#ck Festive Day

“Budmat Nightbreaker here for you folks with your up to date play by play here at Fud Rugby Park for the grudge match to end all grudge matches on this beautiful 'Festive Day'. The weather today is a balmy 28C, no clouds, no wind and conditions are perfect for a great day and entertainment for all parties concerned. At this time we are going to take a station break here at WQ FM while we flog some shit that we know you don’t need or want to buy but we are contractually obligated to play because out station managers allowed these idiots to purchase station air time to sell their crap...back soon here at WQ FM”

Dhobit and Fizzle dressed themselves nervously and quickly while family members who had arrived early the previous day were eating breakfast at their dining table and helping themselves to anything that wasn’t nailed down or placed 6ft away from how far they could reach. Once dressed they both came down stairs and were met with cheers from all of the clan dressed in their footy gear with their kids all screaming Dhobit, Dhobit, Dhobit in a family chant that Dhobit would have to get used to hearing pretty quickly because it was going to be yelled, screamed, spoken, telegraphed, emailed and done in sign language all frekin day.

It didn’t matter where Dhobit looked inside his home there was family EVERYWHERE, all yelling and screaming at each other like banshee’s and he just wanted 'Festive Day' to be over with so he and Fizzle could go back to their peaceful existence.

But it wasn’t going to happen soon. The game had to be played and the family had to be satiated...with blood and vengeance. There was a knock at the door and all the people in the front room stopped yelling and screaming at once and looked at the door more in surprise and fright than anything while Dhobit opened it to be snarled at by a huge police chief standing there in his football jersey and uniform to play holding out a letter for Dhobit to read.

“DIS IS FOR YOU MITTENGLITTER BEST YOU READ IT AND COME WITH ME”

The letter read as follows......

Dear Dhobit and Fizzle Mittenglitter,

Please accompany the police chief in his squad car to Fud Rugby Park directly to take up your special seats for todays game. As your letters were the reason this is happening we the council and chamber of commerce want to extend our personal thanks to you and your lovely wife by way of making this day special for you as well. Please know that every care will be taken to make sure your home is safe and protected and that an escape plan has been put in motion if everything goes ass-up before, during and after the game. Hope you are well.

Faithfully

Radar Coinmaster

Chamber of Commerce

Dhobit finished reading the letter and looked into the eyes of the police chief who was standing their with his hand on his gun and leaning against the door looking at the rabble inside the Mittenglitters home. Dhobit turned and addressed his relatives and spoke....

"Listen up folks the police chief here wants to take Fizzle and I to the stadium right now so I would ask you all to collect your kids and belongings and make your way to Fud Park right now because the traffic is going to be really bad and I want to lock the house up OK???”

There were groans of disapproval and even some abuse hurled at the Police Chief who unsnapped his holster and took out his gun. It was surprising to see how fast the house was vacated when he did this and in the wink of a blink Fizzle and Dhobit had the house locked up and were sitting in the back of the squad car, sirens and lights flashing on their way to Fud Park while the Police Chief re- holstered his gun and turned some death metal elf music up to a pitch that could be heard over the police siren while negotiating the traffic in plague proportions that was on its way to the game.

Both Dhobit and Fizzle instantly knew then what it was like to be arrested and be taken off to jail riding around the police car. It was daunting at best and didn’t in any way lift their collective spirits to be observers of a potential war that Dhobit started with 40+ letters to direct family and one letter to a narcissistic psychotic Police Chief who was hurling abuse at people over the personal PA system in the police car as they drove to the stadium.

Everything going on around Dhobit and Fizzle was deeply unsettling.

“Welcome back folks, Budmat Nightbreaker with you for todays match here at Fud Rugby Park on WQ FM and we are only hours away from the start of what promises to be a hell match for both teams concerned. Earlier today I was able to catch up with the Waterside Queeff Police Chief who is also captain and coach for the Stromtrooper’s and here is a little of what he had to say that has been edited to protect the innocent ears that listen to this station....”

Police Chief....“If these little BLEEP-stains think think can beat us they have another BLEEP-ing coming to them. We will rip out their BLEEP and show it to them. It will all be over before they can scratch their BLEEP. BLEEP them all for showing up in the first BLEEP-ing place. It's our BLEEP-ing town, It's our home BLEEP- ing game we will BLEEP-ing annihilate the BLEEP-ing little BLEEPS.”

“Well folks you heard it here on WQ FM first...the gauntlet has been thrown down by the police chief with some pretty colourful words and if what he says is true it will all be over very quickly for the Mittenglitter Gravediggers this arvo so keep your radios on so as you don’t miss a second of what promises to be the match of the century....but now we have to sell some more crap so here are a few adds from the locals...stay tuned folks”

Dhobit and Fizzle were driven up to the expensive entrance to Fud Rugby Park by the police chief and escorted into the building to the cheers of so much family Dhobit didn’t know he had, but they were all there waiving banners and scarfs made by the locals in Waterside Queeff especially for the game. Fizzle clenched her husbands hand tightly as they were led to their special seats for the game and given vouchers for drinks, food and nibbles to be procured at any time they saw fit. Fizzle turned to Dhobit and spoke....

“Are you scared Dhobit...because I am?”

“Yep, Im scared as well love muffin but I still think we have a chance at winning this game if what my Uncle Yudgruk told me before we left the house...seems we have a few shape-shifters on our team and by his account...well...they are lethal and not to be fucked with” said Dhobit looking out over the ground seeing a plethora of family members in gravedigger colours waiving at him and Fizz.

“Shape-shifters???...but Dhobit I thought they were banned from playing years ago?” said Fizzle even more concerned now than she was when they arrived at Fud Park.

“Yes you are right they were banned but Uncle Yudgruk said these new guys are better at hiding their true colours until the last second ...then WHAM they strike with ruthless and deadly efficiency.”

“So it’s going to be a colourful game then...colourful as in plenty of blood spilt right?”

“Yes and you may want to turn away if it gets a bit willing Fizz”

“Ok ...shall do” said Fizzle holding on to Dhobit’s hand for dear life while Dhobit read the food vouchers to see what kind of food was on offer. As special guests for the game and having their own special seats Dhobit got the attention of the local thugs hired to keep them safe and asked if he could go and get the food so he didnt have to wade through a sea of relatives and leave Fizzle alone by herself for to long. The thug agreed and set off at a fast pace just as the radio announcer came over the loud speaker...

“Good afternoon everyone I have a few announcements for you just before the game gets underway ( the whole of Fud Park and surrounding audience cheered at this prospect) it would seem that a lot of people are being admitted to the sick bay from taking the Unicorn Cookies that are being sold so please give them a wide birth unless you want to be hallucinating for the next 2 weeks and would the owners of the The Sapphire Flame Rat please come and take it out of the ladies toilet block as it is reeking havoc and merry hell in there !” ( more cheers went up over the ground predominately from Dhobit’s family so no guesses there for who let that horrible rat loose!)

“30 minutes away from GAME TIME folks, so stock up on food and drinks because you don’t want to miss a second of this game, this is Budmat Nightbreaker telling you to STAY TUNED”

Another deafening cheer broke out over the stadium just as the body thug came back with drinks and food for Dhobit and Fizzle. He was now sporting a cut over his left eye, two broken fingers and a limp but seemed to be in cheerful spirits all the same.

“Are you ok mate?”

“Yep...the other 4 guys aren’t though that chose to pick on me...here is your food & drinks Mr and Mrs Mittenglitter...will there be anything else you require from me?”

“No thanks we are fine now...and thank you so much for going to the trouble to get these for us”

“Swy I'm ear mate” said the body thug and when his hands were free he snapped his broken fingers back into place and stood guard over the box Dhobit and Fizzle were sitting in.

“Not long now Fizz and it will start” said Dhobit hoovering his food and slurping on the drink he had in his hand.

“Yes then we can go home and pack and leave the country sound like a plan?” said Fizzle with tears in her eyes because she was deeply unsettled being there and angry that Dhobit wasn’t taking it all a little more seriously.

“Oh come on now Fizz...it's not that bad” said Dhobit rubbing her back with his free hand...smearing grease from what ever he was eating all over her best dress...by accident.

“Mr Mittenglitter could you come with me please” said a stern forceful voice dressed in a police uniform right in Dhobits ear and it scared him but he moved quickly with the policeman through the crowd and was escorted to the Mittenglitters Gravedigger dressing rooms.

As soon as he was let in the room erupted in cheers, screams and wolf whistles, Dhobit, Dhobit, Dhobit was the cry on everyones lips. He was taken aback some and blushed the his great Uncle on his dads brothers side spoke......

“Ma name is Morgod Mittenglitter and I wanna tank Dhobit ear for asking us 2 come an pley on dis beeeeeyootiful groond, and ta kill az muny of da stormtroopers az we cun an ta win dis match...on ya Dhobit!!!.....this is ma teem...I picked them maselff...day all av police records and dun time in the big oose...so don’t make to quick a mooove around em till we get on da groond. Let's go an kick sum Waterside Queeff Police ass bug time!!!”

And with this Dhobit was whisked back to his special box with an armed escort with the game minutes away to his wife side just in time to see the Mittenglitter Gravediggers run on to the ground and the crowd go berserk.

It was MATCH TIME!!!

I once bought my son a huge packet of batteries on Festive Day and wrote him a not that said TOYS NOT INCLUDED Author