F#ck Festive Day

And so it was that the Mittenglitter Gravediggers took to the field and did a few warm ups. If you were watching the warm ups you would swear that they were getting ready for a boxing match or a martial arts tournament instead. There was no running at all and the running that should have been there was replaced with swift violent punching, eye gauging, and short sharp kicking techniques that were surely to be able to land firmly and squarely into the testicles of the opposing side the Stormtroopers. Just then the Stormtroopers made their way onto the pitch. The police chief was beating them on to the field with a huge whip and it was paying dividends because the noise they made was frightening.

Each side had 15 players in it with 7 to 8 thousand substitutes in readiness if it went ass-up as the chamber of commerce predicted it would. Each side had 8 forwards and 7 backs and they all looked equally menacing and lethal as they lined up to shake hands and commence the first kick off of the ball. Dhobit spoke to Fizzle while eating the last of his unicorn nuggets....

“Well Fizz..its about to start...are you excited?”

“No I’m petrified Dhob...I have a bad feeling it will all end in death and ours along with it”

“Good....glad you are positive about something” said Dhobit chugging his brew and whipping the frost out of his bread as the radio broadcaster started to speak over the grounds PA....”

WELCOME TO WATERSIDE QUEEFF AND THE FUD RUGBY PARK ON THIS GLORIOUS DAY EVERYONE we have in our midst two teams for you today The Stormtroopers and the Gravediggers ( big cheer goes up for Gravediggers including Dhobit in the screaming) and this promises to be a day and a game that you won’t forget. There will be 2 x 40 minute periods of rugby with a ten minute half time in between...players are lining up to meet and greet each other...our umpires for today are Jonik Ronar, and the touch umpires are Voron Keykrana and Folas Morlana all seasoned vets at the game...

The players all lined up facing each other but they didn’t shake hands, they just hurled abuse and threats at each other while the umpire tried to curb the hatred that was flowing freely on the ground before him.

A local wizard had been paid to make a rocket fly into the sky and burst into a wide assortment of magical detail to start the game and now all that we were waiting on was the toss of the gold coin with both Captains of each side eyeing each other off and swapping the nastiest of insults up close and personal to each other. It wasn’t pretty and the TV people turned the sound completely off because it was so bad and flashed a sign up saying transmission would resume shortly.

"Well friends it looks like...the GRAVEDIGGERS HAVE WON THE TOSS ( epic screaming and cheering) and will be kicking toward the hospital end of the ground....everything is ready ....players have lined up...just awaiting the rocket from Odovius the Wizard...any second now....WHOOOOOOOOSKA...........KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

The promised rocket didn’t gain a lot of height actually, roughly about 30 feet and was more of a concussion incendiary than a pretty rocket and it knocked out players on both sides so there was a frantic intermission while substitutes replaced the unconscious team members then after the ref blew his whistle and IT WAS ON!!!

The game is played with two teams, each consisting of fifteen players. Each team can carry, pass or kick the ball to the end zone to score as many points as possible. The team scoring the greater number of points is the winner of the match, but this match was different. As soon as the ball was kicked by the Gravediggers in the direction of the hospital a melee ensued that was more entertaining than the football game itself. At one point it was hard to distinguish who the players were and who had jumped the fence to join in the fight.

The ref kept sending player after player from both sides off the ground to the sin bin only to have them replaced with fresh, lethal individuals that took up the fight with vim and vigour until they were sent off or knocked out as a result.

No points were scored for the first half AT ALL but there was a lot of blood on the ground, and body parts. It seemed to Dhobit and Fizzle that the practised art of the “tackle” had been practised by both sides entirely out of proportion.

Only the ball carrier can be tackled by an opposing player. A tackle occurs when the ball carrier is held by one or more opponents and is brought to ground, i.e. has one or both knees on the ground, is sitting on the ground or is on top of another player who is on the ground. Well in this game it didn’t who had the ball everyone tackled everyone brutally and with enough force to kick start a volcano into erupting with a magma flow.

The violent nature of the game was expected and didn’t fail to provide the crowd with blood curdling tackles that left players without limbs and more blood than anyone had ever seen in their lives. Fizzle couldn’t watch she started reading her program intently while Dhobit stood up and yelled abuse at the Stormtroopers from his special seat.

At one stage the football was left on the ground just outside the Gravediggers end zone because there was no one on the ground that wasn’t fighting or trying to kill each other to be able to score the much needed goal to put them in front. The crowd watching and listening to the commentary were predominately concerned with who was winning the fights and not the game of rugby that was intended to be played.

The ref for the game had within his power to end the game when he felt it was right but with over 300,000 listeners and watchers of the game surrounding the ground this was not an easy task nor one that he really wanted to exercise because he would be one dead elf if he blew the whistle.

The second half was a bit better than the first with less fighting and a bit of rugby played funnily enough. It was getting close to the end of the match and still none had scored.

"Budmat Nightbreaker here folks for WQ FM hoping you have all enjoyed this match, we are in the dying seconds here and it looks like a scrum is being put down...yes folks both sides are lined up, bleeding and extremely tired...AND THERE IS THE FINAL WHISTLE FOLKS ....WAIT....the scrum is continuing folks...let me check the rules...yes folks the scrum can continue if there hasn’t been an infringement and the clock ticks over the 80 minute mark...well I know one thing folks you are definitely getting your moneys worth today..."

“What happens now Dhobit?” asked Fizzle putting down her program and yanking on her husbands arm gently.

“They continue the scrum until either side makes a play or scores but most likely it will be a draw...and a rematch my lil lotus blossom” said Dhobit with an air of confidence.

2 HOURS LATER.

Both sides were exhausted and to the point of collapsing on the ground when the ref gave them all their final warnings for the last scrum. Here is what happened....

"Budmat Nightbreaker for WQ FM folks. I have never seen such a game in my life...both sides are close to falling over dead...I can see the ref has just spoken to the captains of both teams to ask them to dig deep and finish the war of attrition...and here comes what may be the last scrum and the finish of the game...

No one had left the ground and surrounding roads leading away from the stadium...they wanted a winner come hell or high water.

"...the ball is passed into the scrum...annnnnd....it's away folks ...THE BALL IS ALIVE AND BEING HURTLED TOWARD THE GRAVEDIGGERS END ZONE...NO ONE CAN STOP HIM...IT'S ALL OVER FOLKS...THE MITTENGLITTER GRAVEDIGGERS HAVE WON THE MATCH!!!!”

The crowd who had been so desperately waiting erupted in cheer and screaming, Dhobit and Fizzle were taken under escort to the Gravedigger dressing room to congratulate the captain there who was concussed by lucid then they did a very quick visit to the Stormtroopers as well which was even quicker then they jumped into a police car and were taken to a safe house.

From this vantage point they could see and hear the aftermath of the game whilst in the protection of the police.

Waterside Queeff was in party mode and stayed that way for almost a week. Dhobit and Fizzle just lay low for that week and out of sight from the family then gingerly went back to their home to see if there was anything left.

“Don’t forget to mail you 'Festive Day' packages early so the mail department has plenty of time to lose them.” Dhobit Mittenglitter