Experimentation

Dear Diary

What’s the point of anything? If life is only going to bring temporary joy and permanent sorrow than what’s the point? I can’t take all the lies anymore, Cade is lying all the time. First, He helps defend me from Jayde, carries me to Mona’s truck because I couldn’t walk, all while telling me to go to the hospital. He shows up at my house three weeks ago and tells me that he misses me and wants us to be close again. I was like okay, I miss my oldest friend. Until yesterday when I saw him making out with Jade again and ignoring me completely, is this kid bipolar or something? I’m so fucking frustrated!

Mona and I have been starting to hang out with a new teacher in the building Mrs. Zillah, she teaches art. Mona started taking after-school classes with her, wanting to improve her recent comic book obsession. She wants to work for this app, web car, I don’t know what the name is, I just call it her hobby. She must’ve told me it but she was talking so fast that the words just blended together.

I just looked at what I wrote, I swear I’m bipolar at times. I start by questioning my existence and end up talking about Mona and I’s relationship. My mind can’t focus on a topic for more than a few seconds, it’s all jumbled up like an apple in a blender… If you couldn’t tell, I’m hungry. I’m slowly losing my mind! I need help

Ugh, I grab my journal and throw it against my bed. I need to go running or something, but no, I have to wear a knee and foot brace until the end of the month. My leg is fine now, but I can’t tell the doctors that, how could I explain that my leg is completely healed after three weeks? I can’t, so brace it is. Luckily, I convinced Sarah that I don’t need any help from her anymore, but I still have to hold on to the bar like dear life. I could jump off of the stairs and land on the ground just fine. If I did break anything, my genetics are changed enough that it wouldn’t last more than three weeks. I broke my wrist when I first left the Asylum, but no one knew because of how fast it healed. I guess it is an advantage to being tortured and genetically modified.

I love being home alone nowadays. Mona has gotten me to accept my powers more and mess with them, and I can’t exactly explain to my sister about what they are so… She can’t know. I love her and everything, but I hate how she tries to be this mother figure, but I just want my sister back. Sarah and I used to be so close, not as close as Cade and I were, but we were sisters in every way. Once Mom died, she had to become a mom, in her mind, to Anthony and me. She still feels like it is her fault that I hurt- Ended up in an Asylum, but it was just me. I was the only one responsible for what happened, no one could’ve changed it.

“Iris?” Anthony's head pokes in from the hallway into my room. He quickly glances at my bed, full of books and paper. “What are you doing Sissy? You should be resting, not nerding out.” I dramatically place my hand on my chest, throwing my head back against the wall. I made my face make the fakest hurt face, pretending that his comment hurt, instead of making me smile. “I’m not nerding out mister, you are the one who has been playing video games all day. You are the definition of a nerd. I am merely studying for a class.” Or how to focus electricity onto a phone to mimic a charger, but he doesn’t have to know that.

Anthony grabs some of the books and moves them back into the bookshelf, I should complain that he is messing with my stuff, but I don’t want to have to put it back myself. “You’re doing chores for me? Who are you? Are you a bodysnatcher? You can take our planet, just leave me with food and water.” Anthony sits beside me, just letting his head fall against the headboard. I reach for his hand, entangling our fingers, drawing circles on the back of his hand. “What’s up bud?” Anthony reaches in his pocket and pulls out a folded up picture, holding it out for me to take. I grab the picture with both hands, Anthony buries his head into my pillow. Unfolding it was weird, I knew that this picture is going to make me sad.

It’s the Christmas before Dad died, Mom was a few months pregnant with Anthony. Sarah and I are opening presents in front of the tree, Mom’s sitting between us, and you can see Dad’s hand reaching out for his film box. He was obsessed with documenting our lives, Mom just wanted to live in the moment, at least, that’s what she said. “Stop crying Sissy, you’re making me cry.” Anthony wipes a tear off of my cheek, how did I not notice that I was crying? “This was the last time we were together as a whole family, do you remember it?” Anthony leans his head against my right shoulder, I feel drops of water on my arm, he’s crying. “I remember it slightly, but not a lot. Mom was so excited that she was having a little boy that she accidentally gave us each other's presents. Dad wanted to take a cute family Christmas card, but Sarah wouldn’t sit still. She convinces Dad to have a snow race, the first one to gather 10 giant icicles wins, but you could steal your opponents. Sarah would steal Dad’s every time he turned his back, he let her. I had to sit inside and watch from the window, I was a little sick and Mom didn’t want to make it worse. We ended up backing gingerbread cookies, I was in charge of decorations. I remember I thought I had to make the full persons, So I tried to make my gingerbread self in 3D. I ended up wasting an entire bag of chocolate chips trying to make a full face, Mom had to spend 30 minutes picking up every piece. Most had melted, it became harder. She was so angry, but she as soon as she saw me crying, she forgave me. No one could be mad on Christmas, for more than a minute anyway. Where did you find this?” Anthony twisted his head more into my shoulder. “I stole it from Sarah. I wanted to see what it was like when everyone was happy and alive.” My heart squeezes in my chest, no child should have to lose both parents young. “Hey, the three of us are happy. We have each other, that’s all we need.” Anthony wraps his arms around my neck, hugging me tightly, almost to the point of choking me. “No, we aren’t, You were so sad, you tried to leave and join Mommy and Daddy, Sarah cries every night. Please don’t leave me, Please don’t leave me, Sissy. I promise I will be good.” Anthony’s voice is kinda scratchy, he’s almost yelling in my ear. I pull him as close as possible, feeling his heartbeat against my neck. “Buddy, I am not going anywhere. Back then - I just needed to get help, but I didn’t ask. Sarah loves watching sad dog movies remember, but sometimes - sometimes we just need to cry. I love you both and I am so happy to be home. I will never leave you again, I promise I will always be here for you. I won’t, I promise.”

I ended up holding him for hours. We just sat there and cried, letting out all of our pain in our tears. The next day, I felt a little bit better and Anthony’s smile was so bright. He was like a little sun around the house, Sarah was so surprised at how he was acting like a kid again. She called out of work that day then got both Anthony and me out of school. ‘We both got the stomach bug’, we ended up at this indoor amusement park. We played games, road giant rides, and Anthony won a kid karaoke contest. I never knew that he was such a big fan of Queen, but his version of ‘Somebody to Love’ stole the judge's hearts. I bought Anthony a Pikachu hat and a pair of Harry Potter socks, whose a nerd now? Mona was all worried when she heard I had the bug from the office ladies, but one text from me ended with her ditching to go to the beach. I am not the best influence on my bestie, but what can I say? We are human.

The trip we had was the most normal and human I felt in a long time. I felt at peace with myself and happy to be with my family. The car ride back was my favorite moment of all though.

“Iris, just rolls up the windows, will you? It’s raining out.” I watch as the window rolls up and I hear Sarah lock it on her side of the car. The soft rain hits the top of the car and Anthony lets out the biggest yawn, I turn to face the backseat. “Hey bud,” I watch Anthony’s eyes try to reach mine, “head to sleep okay? I will wake you when we get home.” I quickly glance at Sarah focusing on the road before reaching for my phone. Sarah left her aux cord alone, foolish girl.

In my head, I was like an evil movie villain, imagining me twirling a long mustache.

I plug my phone in and let my music play, the car comes alive with ‘Don’t Stop Believing’. Sarah tries to unplug the cord, but I block her with my hand. I put my phone close to my face, acting like it is a microphone.

“Just a small town girl,

living in a lonely world.

She took the midnight train going anywhere.”

She rolls her eyes at me, turning down the music. “Anthony is trying to sleep.” I proceed to roll my eyes at her, putting my microphone in front of her. “We both know he can sleep through a bomb, I know you want to.” I begin to taunt my phone in front of her, but she turns towards the road.

“Just a city boy”

I let out a giant happy squick and she laughs.

We ended up jamming out for the next hour home. I think we even sang Hannah Montana songs, but I don’t think the songs mattered. We were just a family having fun. I don’t think I will forget this day, and I never want to. I have to go, we are bringing back movie night, I think we are watching Finding Nemo.

Love, Irisa.