Experimentation

“Do you want to hurt the people you love? Keep going Irisa or you’re just going to become a monstrosity.” Edwin’s voice jolts me out of my sleep, I just can’t escape that man. His voice fills my mind and his actions haunt my skin, no mark but the pain still feels fresh. The scars are still there, they will follow me to my last breath, with his methods, that could be relatively soon. I don’t know what to do, how can anyone escape a life like this? My mind has become this jumbled mess of thoughts, I barely want to be alive. I don’t know how to get rid of this weird electricity thing that is happening with me, maybe he would kill me if he found out. That doesn’t sound bad, to be free of this pain.

“Irisa? Are you up? It’s Trina.” I hear my door open softly, dragging a bit on the ground, creating a soft scrap. Why does she have to come here now? “What do you want Trina?” I kept facing the ceiling, I just don’t have it in me to care much about this. “I heard what happened, I’m sorry about Edwin, I mean Dr, you know what? It doesn’t matter. I know that pain your feeling, that hopelessness. That’s how I felt when I got here, my mom knew how hard this is going to be on me. My br- friend was here for a different reason and she thought that I only - hurt myself to be with them, but we didn’t know that they left. He had gotten pulled out by a foster family, and… Anyways, I can see that as the days go by, your light is going out more and more. It is darker than when you came here, and I see the scars on your wrist. There is a life outside-” Can’t this girl shut up? She isn’t the one who is getting stabbed, poked, and prodded every day. What is the point of being happy when I’m losing everything? Is there hope beyond this point, this point of falling. I’m falling deeper into this pain and I just want to be wrapped in the bliss of darkness.

“Ria, Listen to me.” Katrina shakes me slightly, why can’t she just leave me alone? Quickly glancing up at her, I roll onto my side, facing the wall. “Ria!” Suddenly, I feel my pillow getting pulled from beneath me. I quickly sit up in my bed and face her. “What Kat-” Katrina pulls back and slams the pillow against my chest, smiling while she does it.

What? I quickly sit back up only to be hit with the pillow again. “Now I got your attention, we are talking-” Before I let her go on anymore, I grab the spare pillow off of the floor and hit her in the side of the stomach. She dramatically falls off the bed and onto the floor. I run to the other side of my room with the pillow shielding me as she slowly gets up. “Well, I see you are looking for a battle,” Her back is turned to me as she slowly grabs the pillow in her hand, clutching it in her hand as if the head of her enemy. “Than prepare to die.” She spins around and throws the pillow at my direction, coming into contact with my leg. I fall against the wall, “I’ve been shot by the mighty warrior.” I begin dragging my body away from the wall into the center of the room. “Look at the dragon, fallen beneath my feet” Trina shots from behind me, picking up her pillow. I slam my hand on the metal table, pull my body up into a standing position. “I refuse to be defeated.” I turn and slam my pillow against her’s, igniting a fierce battle. Our pillows begin to slam against each other, acting as swords in a duel. I jump over my chair, tripping back into my bed. Trina slams the pillow against my head, I fall to the floor trying to ‘gasp for air’. “No, kind warrior, spare me! We were once friends, fighting side by side in the dwarf wars, we can be allies once more.” I reach my hand out gesturing for hers, she is not going to take it. She walks over slowly, hanging the pillow by her side. “Of course my dear friend.” She places her hand in mine, warming my body from the cold floor. “I’ll give you an honorable death.” Trina smacks the pillow against my stomach and I close my eyes, pretending to die. “Farewell.”

I sit up off of the floor, “You win, Trina. You got my attention. What’s up?” I place the pillow on my now messy bed, god, I need to be more careful when I battle someone. “I wanted to see how you were doing? I know being here… isn’t easy. I was in your shoes once, but I didn’t end up with a superpower, I just ended up with scars. I don’t know why he suddenly lost interest in me, and I didn’t care at first. I was happy to be free from that torture, but then, you came in. I don’t know why, but the way he looked at you was darker than anything I ever seen in his eyes. There was this sense of revenge on the surface of his eyes, but I am not someone who can detect that easily. I could’ve misread the situation because I was still scared of him at the time, but now, I don’t want to be. I started challenging every rule that he once placed on me, which I hope he hasn’t done the same thing to you. I found a way to sneak outside and not get caught, I managed to see my mom more than once a week, I tried to-. This isn’t about me, but you. I am going to help you Irisa, or Iris, or Ria. Whatever one you prefer I’ll call you that. I personally like Ria the best, because it is cute and short, like me.” She places her hand in mine and squeezes gently, entangling our fingers in the process. “If I am Ria than you are Trina. Our names kind of rhyme or I think they do. Plus Katrina is kind of a mouthful to say if you are having a heated argument, which we tend to do.” I place my head gently against her shoulder, feeling her warmth throughout my body. Trina rests her hand on top of mine, enjoy this moment of serenity.

“Ria, wake up. Dinner time.” I lift my heavy eyelids, when did I fall asleep? I push myself into a standing position as Trina remains on the bed. “We need to eat, right?” Trina says laughing as she moves slowly into a standing position. She gently wipes the drool off of my face, grabbing my elbow and pulling me out of my room. “I usually eat my food in my room, Dr. E doesn’t want me around the other patients.” Trina turns and looks at me, her eyes filled with mischievous determination. “I talked to some nurses and convinced them that Edwin said that you were fine to join us in the mess hall. I also said that I am leaving in a few weeks which is exciting and true, I am finally leaving this hell hole, and I’m gonna try to get you out with me. We know that what he is doing is making us worse, leaving us in more shambles than what we came in here with.” Trina begins to slowly pull me down the hallway, looping our arms together. “I heard the nurses talking about Edwin’s patients. Apparently, after leaving, the majority of them commit crimes, hurting their families, friends, and sometimes themselves. There was this one girl, she was a major druggie when she came in, and she was sober when she left. She had a good life ahead of her, but then-” A nurse starts walking to us in a quick manner, almost running our way. “Girls, you were due in the cafeteria over 10 minutes ago. We almost served everyone, do you want your food to be cold?” The nurse has wrinkles covering her face, her hair is pinned tightly to her head, seems uncomfortable. Trina shoves her elbow into my side, “Yes?” I shake my head trying to snap my brain out of the daydream. “Nurse McCain was just saying that we need to hurry up and get to the cafeteria, but I explained that I was just telling you how the rules of the cafeteria go. Isn’t that right?” I quickly nod my head and Nurse McCain just squints her eyes at me, but just turns around and continues on her way to the cafeteria. “Let’s run past her, she tends to walk slow when she is angry.” We begin racing down the halls, rushing past other nurses and patients. I turn my eyes on Trina and I just see her face glowing, glowing with this happiness that I haven’t seen in a long time on anyone. I miss that glow, the glow of feeling free to do anything that you want. Her golden brown hair just flows around her, grazing her face every once in a while. I have never seen someone looking so beautiful in my life.

Trina burst through a set of double doors, leading us into a loud conversation. About a hundred people surrounded us, chatting away. We rush through the many tables to the small line near ladies with hair nets on. The people in line just seem to be in their own worlds, slowly shuffling through the line. “Today is pizza day,” Trina leans closer to me, “It tastes like cardboard but is better than anything else they tend to serve, except for the rare pies. I think the only thing that actually tastes good in this place is when the nurses make a birthday cake for one of the patients. They make a giant cake so that everyone can have a slice, but they have to be careful with how they give it to some of the patients. One of the Schizo patients believes that if the food is handed to them with one hand on the plate, it is poison. Tracy has to get her own food most of the time, but she always gets angry at it. I have seen some nurses discussing putting a feeding tube into her, but they don’t know how she will react. ” The person in front of us shifts out of Karina’s way and she tugs slightly at my arm. “Finally, it’s our turn.”

We get to the food server and she smiles slightly at Karina. “Why there is my dear Karina, how was your day Sweetheart? Oh, and who may this be?” She reaches her silicone gloved hand out to me, I grab it and begin shaking it gently. “This is Irisa, she is finally allowed to join the rest of us crazy folk for dinner. What do you have for dinner today? Fried Eyeballs?” What? Is that what I’ve been eating? The food server turns to me and laughs, I feel the frown set on my face. “Sweetheart she’s joking, we don’t serve that stuff, especially to our favorites. We have pizza for everyone, but we have gotten your favorite Katrina, Shepherd’s Pie. Let me grab two plates for you girls.” She turns around but quickly looks over her shoulder at me, “You aren’t allergic to anything my dear? I don’t want to give you something that you can’t enjoy.” I shake my head quickly and watch her dip into the kitchen.

It took her a minute to return with 2 glass plates piled high with Shepherd’s pie, just looking at the food makes my mouth water. She places them onto two trays and opens up a covered container in the serving area. “Here are some of the classic sides at our five-star quality restaurant. We have homemade apple cider, kept cold because if we gave some of the patients something hot, they will lose their minds. We have vanilla ice cream on blueberry pie for dessert made by Nurse Malinda, and finally, a bottle of water. Please refrain from eating the dessert before your dinner, It would hurt my feelings.” Trina and I watch as she places her hand in an overly dramatic manner over her heart, Trina laughs loudly, but I just give her a small smile. I wish I felt enough to laugh.

Trina grabs the trays and hands one to me, we quickly wave to the food server and Trina begins to drag me across of the mess hall, as she refers to it as, and plops us at a table near these giant windows. The parking lot is dimly lit, only a few cars in the lot, mostly nurses, a few doctors, and the food servers (which I think are actually more nurses). “You know,” Trina forces my gaze towards her as she begins talking. “This is one of the only places that allow for Mess Halls, they believe that it could be dangerous for the patients, but they don’t really care for our safety here. I’ve been investigating this place before I even got placed in here, that was why I am here, to stop everything that is going on.”

I wasn’t expecting that if I am being honest to myself, and I know that I have to be in this place. It makes sense to why she has been trying to help me and be my friend, she knows what this place really is. “Oh?” I tried to find other words, but they seem to be stuck in my throat. She isn’t like me, but she isn’t evil like him. I try to wrap my mind around it as I just start eating my dinner, but I don’t think I can at this moment. She has been lying to people, how has no one figured her out yet? Don’t they do evaluations on this sort of stuff?

I don’t realize that I hadn’t said anything until I finished eating, she was right, the pie was amazing. I quickly just get up and leave, as I begin to walk away, my nerves begin to pick up, is she going to tell Edwin about everything I’ve done. I know that he knows about my powers, but I feel like that if he has heard on how much I’ve been holding back, he will… do … Stop!

Stop thinking like this.

Irisa, you know better than this by now.

You are better than these thoughts

You are better than these memories.

You are better than-

“Just the girl I was looking for.” Edwin’s voice booms behind me as I reach my room. “I would ask you where you went, but one of the nurses spotted you in the Mess Hall. Careful around other people, you don’t want to become a monster do you?” I shake my head and keep my hands glued to the side and my eyes on the floor. Don’t look at him. Don’t let him affect you, just remember that you are human and can feel. “You aren’t like the other lights, they had more darkness surrounding them, but you came from a happy home originally. You only became this suicidal bitch because your mother died.” I can feel the tears settling at the edge of my eyes.

Mom

I miss you

“I never picked someone like you would end up in my care, which makes you different. When I changed those like you, they - well, to be frank - convulsed and died. I love telling their families that they killed themselves and we tried to save them. I love watching the pain fill their eyes, the loss of a child is something that can’t be removed from a heart. It burns it. You should’ve been like the rest, but excitingly, you changed, like the broken ones. The few lights that survived. My lights. I trained them to be perfect, just like I will with you. I can’t wait to see how I will-”

He pauses, moving a strand of hair to the back of my ear.

“Bend you to be the perfect soldier. You’ll have a purpose, unlike many in this world.” My vision goes blurry with tears as Edwin walks away, with more pieces of who I once was.