Experimentation

Have you ever felt completely out of control of your own life and body? The actions that you do, don’t seem like your own? That’s my life now, completely and utterly out of control. I’m broken, I’ve lost any fight in me. I can’t stand that I have the ability to hurt or even kill someone, I’m dangerous. I’m a monster, I’m a freak.

Life has been going on around me, passing me by life a leave in the wind. Poetry is now a class that Dr. Edwin suggested I take, his torture sessions with me stopped. He lost interest when I didn’t fight the pain, I just let it happen. I guess it is true, don’t give the bully a reason to enjoy the pain. Just let the pain happen and they won’t have the need to continue, I just hope he is gentle with his next victim.

“Ria? It’s me, Katrina, can I come in? I just want to talk.” Trina’s voice is soft and calming, but I can’t risk hurting my only friend in this entire place. That was the second time I almost took her life because of the stupid lightning shooting out of my hands, she just needs to stay away from the monster I’ve become. I can’t respond to her, my words can hurt her just as well as my actions. I reach my hand towards the edge of my blanket gripping it tightly staring at the doorknob, please don’t come in. The knob begins to turn while the door moves forward, I have to do something to stop her from being around me. Shooting my hand towards the door itself, I blast a wall of lightning pushing the door back into a closed position. A groan is heard from outside before the door is pushed open harshly, Katrina stares right into my eyes before slamming the door behind her. She tears her gaze from me and begins to pace in front of my bed, anger radiating off of her.

Watching her pace is like watching a clock tick, unlikely it will ever stop. Shifting my eyes towards the clock as she walks over to the side of my bed, it took her 13 minutes to finally stop pacing. “Did you have fun?” My defense when I don’t want to talk is sarcasm, it tends to annoy people enough to end the conversation. Although it may backfire on me this time, the look she gives me after I blurt that out makes it seem like she is about to launch at me. Possibly strangle me to death, or just punch me until blood is flowing out of my mouth and nose. I have to stop thinking about action movies, watching them with Cade is one of the memories that keep me from letting my depression take me. “Are you serious right now? You have been avoiding me for a month, then you finally talk to me. Once we go out and explore this awful place again, you lose control for one second and now you go back to avoiding me. It’s been a week, I’m fine. I don’t care that you have these powers, you are my only friend in here. I can’t lose you, you’re the only one I care about. Please, don’t leave me too.” Trina’s eyes are filled with tears, come streaming down her face. I’ve hurt her while trying to protect her from myself, how can I protect her when all I do is hurt her?

My chest tightens as I try to breathe, I keep hurting the people I want to save. My throat starts drying as I allow tears to fall from my eyes, why am I such a screw-up? I’m stupid, evil, mean, and many more. I throw my hands against my forehead, pounding over and over. If I hit myself enough, maybe my brain will finally learn not to mess up. I’m such an idiot, the anger I feel towards myself is battling the crippling pain knowing that I’ve hurt the only person that seems to somewhat care about me. “I’m sorry,” My throat feels scratchy and my voice comes out rigged, I sound like a drugged-up frog.

Katrina’s hand finds her way to my shoulder, my chest tightens as she moves towards my hand. Breathe Irisa, you will be fine if you just breathe! My heart escalates as my breaths become more rapid and short, I’m going to hurt her again. I can’t hurt her, I can’t become a murderous monster. “Place your head in between your knees and wrap your hands around the back of your neck.” Trina’s voice soothes me as I allow her to move my body, she is keeping me calm. Listen to her voice, she won’t hurt you Irisa. You’ll be okay.

After a few moments of silence, I manage to move my head towards Trina. “I’m sorry I shut you out.” My voice is barely hearable, soft and fast like a whisper. Trina sits in front of me before grabbing my hands to her chest, “I shouldn’t have barged in here demanding that you listen to me, I keep forgetting that we have issues or we wouldn’t be here in the first place. I should’ve known by now that I have to be more careful about how I approach things in this life.” Trina’s warmth flutters through me as her heart beats softly against her chest. I shift my arms around her and pull her into a hug, her hair brushing against my neck sends a shiver down my spine. She is perfect in every way, I never want to hurt her again.

She pulls away slowly and smiles at me, “What do you think we should do today?” Read, I slowly move my head towards her and smile. “I think we can do some-” My door is thrown open and three nurses barge in. The two males grab my arms harshly and throw me in a wheelchair the female nurse brought. “What’s going on?” I shout just as they put the mouthguard into my mouth silencing me. Trina rushes over to me pulling me into another hug, “Don’t let him know what you are, he’ll never stop torturing you but no longer in the way you think.” Katrina’s voice sounded soft but the panic and fear tone was clearly spoken, I can’t show him the lightning. My arms and legs are then strapped down by leather binds while Katrina is shoved onto my bed, don’t let him known what you are Irisa.

I close my eyes as I’m being pushed into a room, I can’t watch this. “I hope you’ve been healing nicely Ria, but I believe you deserve a punishment now for being the same broken little girl you are, alright?” Edwin’s faces whispers into my ear, stay calm Irisa. Allow Katrina’s voice to keep you calm, don’t let him see what you’ve become. The wheelchair is pushed into the room further before I hear a door slam behind me. I need to see what he is going to do to me, Slowly opening my eyes I manage to glance around the room. Tiles line the space but there wasn’t a lot of room, below the chair is a drain. Is this a shower? Twisting my head slightly to the side, I spot hoses sticking out of the walls.

“Don’t you like my new toy Ria? I’ve made it just for you.” Edwin’s voice blasts through an intercom in the corner of the room, sadistic bastard. I’m stronger than to break under getting soaked by water, his attempts to ‘cure’ me will only make me stay silent.

“Are you ready, my dear Ria?” I try to block out Edwin’s voice but it still manages to slip past my mind’s walls. Stay strong, a blast of cold water hits my body from all directions, slamming my chest and pushing the chair in a circular motion. My arms sting with pain along with my chest, the water missed my head thankfully, but the tips of hair are dripping with water. I tilt my head towards the camera, smiling as I do. “Is that the best you got?” My voice drips with sarcasm and boredom, why am I taunting the man that has me strapped to a chair? I’m actually losing my mind, what other explanation is there? “It’s not even a fraction of what I’ve got planned for you, dear Ria.” The chair is turned to face the hoses and is getting raised slowly, don’t let him know what you’ve become.

My hair begins to rise slightly towards the ceiling, my chest begins to tingle slightly. What’s going on? These wires are hanging from the ceiling, cut in half with their ends showing getting lowered down onto metal poles attached to the chair. The metal extends to beneath my arms and my feet, reaching to the back of my neck. No, No, he can’t do this. The water begins to fall off of my skin onto the floor.

Drip…

Drip…

Drip…

A rush of electricity is thrown through my body, coursing through my veins filling my body with pain. The sparks inside try to push out the pain, stop it body. If you reject it then you will show him what you are now, don’t let him know what you can do. Listen to Trina, remember her voice. The water hits my body as the wheelchair begins to get lowered to the ground, blasting onto the back of my head.

“Stop, please.” My voice cracks pleading for this pain to stop, I can’t handle this torture anymore. “Now? Why you haven’t learned your lesson yet.” The agony returns to the surface as the wires are brought back to life, No. No! I allow the sparks in my body to push the pain out, my body arches forward as my eyes shot open. The world around me is swirling with blue, my body full of adrenaline. Make this torture stop! My body relaxes back into the soaked chair feeling my energy drain from my body, my eyes feeling heavy. A bit of tear escape from the side of my eyes, my head sways a bit to the side. Let me sleep, Edwin. I need to sleep, just for a minute. I’ve got to rest my head.

A warm hand touches mine as I feel the world spin around me, I try to open my eyes slightly but a light above blinds me. “Careful Ria, you don’t want to strain yourself even more.” Trina’s voice whispers softly in my ear, squeezing my hand. “I’m sorry… I’ve failed…” My voices come out in a pained manner, my body sore from the last… I don’t know how long I was in there. “No, you did so well Ria. Just go back to sleep, you’ll heal faster okay? I’ll see you in the morning, I won’t leave your side tonight.” I turn my head to face her voice and smile, I’m safe for now.