Experimentation

“I can’t believe you can do that, you’re like a wizard.” Mona’s voice erupts in my ears, her hand grasping my arm while she jumps up and down. I turn my gaze to the tree I struck, the leaves are now resting at its truck. Pieces of wood dangle dangerously high in the air, on the edge of falling off. My veins slowly return back to the hidden blue as the surging electricity settles, I take a deep breath fully relaxing my body. “ When I first did that, I was terrified. I locked myself up in my room for awhile, I can’t even remember the amount of time. I almost hurt Tri- a friend at the time, my body was consumed with fear. I didn’t leave my room for a month, even the asshole who tortured me left me alone for a while. I fell back into my depression, I couldn’t breathe. My mind was swarming with the dark thoughts of before, this time I knew I would be stopped. This was a hospital for people who tried to kill themselves, they would be prepared for a patient to give it another shot. I just sat there, for months. I didn’t have the energy to learn, talk, even moving from my bed seemed pointless to me. I just lost all interest in the world around me, I was a monster in my mind. Nothing but myself could’ve gotten me out of that dark hole I feel back into and long story short here I am today.” Mona grabs my arm and moves us towards the edge of the cliff, the ocean breeze softly blows my hair back while sending a slight shiver down my back.

Mona moves to a small rock path leading down towards a small beach, she turns to me and smiles. “Did you bring spare clothes?” Her smirk makes me smile lightly before continuing her way towards the beach, her eyes light with excitement as she skips down the path. Half of the time I can’t believe how childish Mona can be. “Come on Iris, what are you waiting for?” Her voice is full of laughter and joy, I guess the other half I’m joining in on her schemes.

The time at the beach was great, the salty sea hitting my nose as I’m thrown under by waves. The nice breeze hitting my skin giving me small chills throughout my spine. Sunlight hitting our skin as we jump around as if we’re children, not having the weight of the world on our shoulders. I wish I could’ve stayed in that moment forever, just forgetting about the past and future. Just living in the moment of the world, a place not many people get to focus on.

The only problem is that this isn’t how life is, I have to live with the memories of the past and keep all the weight of the past inside of me. I can’t do anything to help the people trapped now, I can’t even help myself anymore. Just trying to constantly pretend that I recovered from the state that I was in before even when the truth is, I’m the exact opposite. I’m in pain from the truth, I’m in pain from the memories and my actions. My mind will forever keep the events of the past year conscious and will dictate the remaining of my days until I expire.

“Are you alright Iris?” Mona’s voice snaps me out of thoughts, her head turns towards me with her eyes filled with worry. No matter how much I’ve shared with her, I don’t feel I can be completely honest now. The thoughts of the past pull me into a state I can’t fully describe. The inner pain is suffocating me, squeezing my heart making it where I feel like I have to scream and shrink into a ball at the same time. I don’t know how to fix this feeling, it comes and goes as he pleases but mostly went to think of all of our things I’ve been through. My broken memories of pain, sorrow, torture, and the occasional happy Memory. hey tear me apart, I never got the help I think I needed when I was locked up by a crazy doctor. I guess only a few people get lucky to get the help they truly need.

The car ride felt shorter on the way back, I guess it was just because I have so much on my mind To be focusing on the little details that pass by me. Do I have to embrace all the pain that comes with the memories of the truth, because if I don’t honor their memories than who will?

The gravel crunches underneath the tires of the car, pulling slightly into my driveway. Mona shifts her car into park as I stare up into the lower level windows, Sarah and Anthony are snuggled on the couch watching tv. They’re happy, probably watching that new talking cats movie. Even the smiles on their faces can’t stop the pain I’m feeling right now, what is wrong with me? “Irisa, are you sure your okay?” Mona’s voice breaks the awkward silence in the car, she can sense something is wrong. I don’t want to worry her again, having a person look at you with pity is one of the worst looks you can get. I am stronger than these stupid emotions that are clouding my mind, I am strong. “Yeah, I’m just tired. Playing at the beach all day will make you exhausted, especially when you weren’t planning on having a beach day.” I turn my head towards the little garbage bag packed with our soaked clothes, luckily I kept my phone in the car. “Well fine, I guess I won’t surprise you with a fun day again.” Mona starts to dramatically frown, looking like a clown without their makeup. “Come on Mona, are you really mad at me?” I move my hand to nudge her arm but she just turns away with a swift hair flip. “Harmony, you’re seriously mad at me?” What did I do? I always mess everything up! Mona’s eyes light up with a sudden realization, did I forget it was her birthday or anything? “I’m not mad at you Iris, I’m just playing. I have to get home but I will see you tomorrow hopefully.”

I push my body out of the car and begin to drag my feet towards the front door of the house. I hear the gravel crunch as her car slowly pulls away as soon as I reach for the door handle, I press my ear against the door as laughter could be heard on the other side. I can’t ruin their night, I’m not cruel. Slowly, I turn towards the left side of my house where an old oak tree rests, some of the branches grazing the upper level. The bathroom window remains slightly creaked due to Sarah cleaning every Friday night, the bleach from the bathroom stinks up the entire house if the window isn’t open to air it out for the next 24 hours.

This feels slightly familiar, I did break out of a mental asylum. You don’t know how cheesy that sounds, I’m like the plot to a bad horror movie. “Girl with tragic past gains superpowers while locked up and now she is here to slaughter all of her past enemies for driving her to insanity.” God, I wish my life wasn’t that cheesy, I just want to be happy. I don’t care if I’m normal, single, rich, or a hero, happiness is all I truly want now. I don’t want these feelings of despair and hopelessness anymore, the fear I get when I look in the shadows of my room. I always feel like eyes are on me, I'm filled with paranoia and I don’t know how anyone can fix me without finding out what I am, a failed experiment.

Running towards the tree as quietly as I can is tough, the air is cold from the early winter weather, but the fallen leaves are the hardest obstacle of all. How am I supposed to run softly on leaves? I reach the tree and maneuver up to the middle of the tree, please don’t let Sarah see me. I push my head out slightly glance towards Anthony and Sarah chilling on the couch, Anthony’s eyes are closed as Sarah’s face becomes contoured with a yawn. That’s cute, I hope they both have sweet dreams. My body bends around the branches pulling my weight onto the solid branches, planting my feet on the flimsy one in front of the window. Careful Irisa, don’t fall. Yes, because telling myself not to fall is actually going to keep me from falling to the ground and breaking a bone. I move my body into a crouching position looking towards the window, you can do this Irisa. I allow my body to control my movement as I push forward running as fast and as light as I can, leaping forward off the branch. I start to fall below the window but my hands grasp the edge. Why do I put myself in these types of situations? I push my feet against the lower window’s edge, pushing my body up towards the open window. I grab the bath rod and pull my body through, hitting the carpet with a soft thud.

Reaching my room, I’ve never been more relieved to be left alone. Kicking off my shoes, I plop faced down into my bed. I know whats going to happen, my panic attacks are coming back. “Ria….” Edward's voice whispers in my head, my heart starts to beat faster. My anxiety kicking up, I can’t handle this. Closing my eyes and pulling my knees towards my chest, please stop. Please, please? I can’t handle this pain anymore, I know I’m alone Edward. You made me this way, it's not my fault for what happened. I didn’t mean to do it! I’m not a monster….

I’m not a monster….

I’m not…

A monster….