Envious Desire

Chloe

Desensitized... despondent... estranged...

This world no longer feels my own. Images present themselves leaving me to question my sanity. Are these configurations confirmed occurrences or just disturbed depictions of a defective psyche?

Night after night images of him lurking in the shadows seizes my nerves never allowing for a good night’s sleep. Only sweaty, labored breath instances of tossing and turning with the inability to actually feel safe.

Shadows playing tricks on me seeing images of him in Axles home until I realize it’s just my ineffectiveness to separate distortion from reality.

When slumber is actually obtainable my mind fills with horrid reproductions of my time in that horrid place. Scents fill my nose triggering my stomach to churn. Sounds trigger the hair on my body to prickle. At times, the same scene plays over and over in my mind but with different outcomes never knowing which was actuality.

Axle lurks around his own home with hesitation. I feel horrible putting him out of his own home however here is where I feel the most safe. How is that even a possibility?

Figures coat my eyes stalking around the house, holding my breath until Axle comes into view and I’m able to breathe again.

When will this stop, when will my mind allow me the comfort of security? I feel as if my world is collapsing upon itself and there’s nothing I can do, except allow it to swallow me whole.

Sleep has not been the same since that first night when I voyaged into Axles room and slept by his side that first night. With him I’m at peace. How could I recoil at his touch yet in his proximity, safety waves over me like a warm fuzzy child’s blanket?

Twisting my head to view the time– 3:47 am. Ugh, I don’t want to intrude on his sleep but I’m craving his nearness, his scent– I crave him.

Dark thoughts cloud my mind. Will he long for me after what transpired? Will he perceive me as some feeble child who was unable to safeguard their child? Will he loathe my entire existence?

Twisting in my bed yet again, I flop back and forth seeking comfort when I finally relinquish my fight, rise to full height, step into my warm slippers and pad across the hall to his door.

Inhaling a slow cool breath, I fill my lungs to its full capacity, expelling a slow steady breath before I place a shaky hand on the door handle. Cascading it downward, the aching sound of the door vibrates against the walls as I push the door forward.

Sliding in through the small opening, I peer to his oversized bed viewing his glorious form illuminated by a cool sapphire blue moon light peeking in through the curtains highlighting his decorated skin giving off a shimmer in the night. I follow the intricate designs that flow from the top of his head to the small of his back. He truly is a magnificent sight to gawk at in absolute awe.

Snapping my mouth shut, rising to the tips of my toes, placing each gentle step one in front of the other, I make my way to the far side of his bed. Arriving at his bedside, I admire the man before me, eyes roaming up and down his spectacular physique. The man who has taken my silence, taken my tears, my rejection at every turn and yet, still expresses his unyielding adoration for me. A ping in my heart aches my chest.

I’m sorry Axle. I’m so sorry. I’ve apologized to him a million times in my head now it’s one million and two and unfortunately, I fear it will be an ever growing number at this state.

At the speed of molasses I raise one leg after another, easing myself on to the bed until I’m horizontal, perpendicular to him. Observing his steady breaths eases my pain. Surveying his tattooed chest rise and fall, a sudden urge to graze his skin– to connect with his exposed flesh in the dire hope to ignite what once was.

Moments pass, contemplating the pros and cons of a connection when I lambash myself when my inner goddess chimes in.

“Touch him. You know you crave that majestic connection. He will at long last be legitimate.”

“I - I can’t. If he’s actual, that only conveys the torment I’ve caused him will be undeniable as well. I’m uncertain I can survive that type of anguish.”

“He will forgive you. He loves you.”

Frustrated with our debate, I lash out, “Love does not always conquer all Natalia.”

“There’s only one way to find out.”

Taken aback by the statement, I peer at his dormant state, staring at his pulchritudinous face, right arm extending, making its way across the ocean sized space between us, feeling the heat radiate off his god given physique, when my hand ceases its descent holding its place.

Obscene scenarios of his ultimate rejection overturn in my mind generating a sharp ache in my chest, culminating in his transparent abhorrence of my very existence causing my arm to recoil, laying flat under my cheek just as a single tear trickles out of my misted eyes when I finally allow my words to grace his ears and murmur, “I’m sorry Axle. I’m so sorry.”

Exhaling a defeated breath, exhausted from my mental torment, my eyes flutter shut, allowing the welcomed darkness and sensation of security to consume me.

The blare of my shirt ripping apart reverberates in my eras, breast exposed and vulnerable, heaving, scared, I bellow out, “Stop, please don’t do this!”

“That’s right, scream for me. Let me hear that scared little voice beg me. No one is here to listen to your pleas. We’re all alone... I plan to make you mine.” The weight of his hand connecting with my face sends a bolt of searing pain to my nerves.

“Fuck baby, my dick is so fucking hard for you right now. I’ve dreamed of this day... you squirming under me, begging me, taking my dick and fucking loving it.”

OMG! NO! PLEASE! My head moves back and forth violently not wanting the impact of his words to impale my brain.

The sudden sting of his leathery, large hand contacting my face again, seers my flesh. His harsh, chafing lips forced itself upon me. On instinct, I turn my face, his lips scratch along the way to my mouth with a harsh hand twisting my face back again., bile rises in the back of my esophagus at the very thought of him touching me.

Please, no, don’t let this happen! I’ve been through enough. All I want in my life is to have Axle’s baby.

His hand clenches my face, the taste of iron roams my tastebuds, holding me in place, his damp, slimy tongue glides across my tight unyielding lips requesting access which I rightfully deny.

The stench of his saliva evokes a gag reflex with bile escaping my lips.

“Bitch!” I can hear the atmosphere shift as his hand swooshes through the air connecting with my cheek yet again. “You’ll love it once I fuck you. You’ll be begging me for more.” His harsh voice cracks in the air.

The bed shifts with a loud complaint, his jagged fingertips at my waist, grasping my pants and my underwear simultaneously, yanking them south. Attempting to halt his vile actions with flailing kicks and erratic thrashing, causing him frustration... his fingers dig into my flesh, screaming for him to stop.

The sound of clothing ripping on my legs terrifies every nerve in my body.

“Stop, no, don’t. PLEASE!” Tears roll out of my eyes, soaking my blindfold, plastering it to my face.

“You fighting just makes it better. You’re so beautiful when you’re scared, you make me do this to you. You’re too beautiful not to have!”

Screams echo in the air, floundering, pulling on my restraints hoping for release.

His abrasive, thorny hand grasps my right ankle, the cold bite of metal shackled to my foot.

“I love the fight baby,” pouncing on the bed like a lioness on her prey, he presses on my core. “You feel that! All your squirming makes my dick harder. Better yet cry for me baby. I’m so going to enjoy every fucking second of this.”

Freeing one hand, his vice-like grip digs into my frayed skin causing me to wince, holding me in place.

Freeing my other hand, he lassos them together while I give my best attempt to wiggle free from his skin-tight grasp.

The connection of his hand on my cheek sends a new burst of iron liquid into my mouth. Dazed, sparks of light burst behind my eyelids, fuck it hurts.

Unable to focus, the mattress groins with his actions, the feel of his petulant hands wrap around my ankles when he tugs me towards the bottom of the bed, triggering a yelp. The sound of metal clanking on the floor fills my ears as the weight lifts from my lower extremities.

Unable to move, I implore for mercy, “Please don’t!”

“That’s right baby. BEG ME!”

Clambering with the sheets, a light scream releases from my throat. Expeditious labored breathing fills my chest, eyes snapping open. Viewing my surroundings, body misted in sweat, mind muddled in reality, I come to the realization I’m in the safety of Axles’ home, his bedroom.

Scouring every corner, Axle is nowhere in sight. Shit! I drifted off in the comfort of Axle, I hadn’t even noticed he had already risen and absconded his bedroom.

Muffled chattering in the distance infiltrates the air. Curiosity peaked but not before my bladder aches. Sprinting off the bed I rush to the ensuite to relieve myself. Cleansing my hands, I peer at the gashed skin on my wrist, recalling the dreadful sensation of tight ropes bonding my wrists together.

Kneading my wrists in the water, I foolishly attempt to free myself from the horrid memory of my capture. Looking up at my reflection, the kaleidoscope of deep hues saturates the left side of my face. My mind drifts back to the nightmare that is no longer my reality however, still resides in my mind on a constant loop of torture.

Shaking my head back and forth, with repetition I utter, “You are safe, you are no longer there.” Shutting off the water, I inhale a deep breath, expelling it in a feeble attempt to rid myself of my past.

Just as I’m escaping from the bathroom, Shelly appears in the doorway. Searching the room her eyes landed on me.

“Hey Chloe.”

The edge of my lips twitch as I make my way back to the bed in an avoidance tactic that clearly she is unaware of.

“I have a surprise for you.”

Focusing on her flawless skin, my eyes widen to the size of saucers.

“How about we get changed and go downstairs?”

Shaking my head I mumble, “No,” with an intense shake of my head.

With a stern motherly voice, “Chloe I’ve allowed you to wallow in your pity party for weeks now. It’s time to at least leave the bedroom.”

Embracing the pillow I inhale Axles scent, eyes fluttering with the entrancing fragrance I yearn to be within his vicinity.

“Chloe, no! I know you have been through a terrible ordeal but you CANNOT allow him to capture your future as well. He haunts you night after night, don’t allow him to take the days from you also. You’re so much more stronger than he is and you can fight this, you can get past this. Damn it! Look at you, you’re in Axles’ room snuggling with his pillow. You crave to move on so do it!”

Her words bulldoze my mind, sinking in like the titanic. I’ve visited him on numerous nights, some nights just observing from the doorway, others I garner enough courage to sleep by his side but I have yet to utter a single word to him when he is conscious. Eyes mist, unwilling to allow the overflow of emotion to take hold, I withdraw to control the overflow of emotion that craves to escape.

Sniffling in my pain, I capture her emerald hues, nodding my head, strolling across the hall to shower to vacate the second floor for more than 5 minutes.

INSERT PAGE BREAK HERE

Shelly was cryptic in her need to assist with my makeup. Unsure if it was a need to help or a need to feel needed I allowed her to coat my war scars in foundation. Suggesting dressed up clothing, I implore her for comfortable clothes insisting on baby steps, she bends to my will.

Clothed in storm gray embossed sweat pants with a matching long sleeve hooded sweater, I graced my feet with white sneakers and placed my hair in a messy bun atop my head. Feeling somewhat presentable Shelly smiles, gently grasping my hand, granting her permission for connection, she guides me towards the joyful noise emanating from the dining room.

Entering the room I’m met by familiar faces, all dawning gleeful smiles at my entrance. Axle, Jade, Elijah, Amanda and to my surprise, Jordan and Sharon are here as well both smile in unison. Swallowing the lump in my throat I tug Shelly’s hand hauling her to my mouth, “Why is everyone here?”

Twisting so her mouth is mere inches from my ear, “To see you.”

Turning away just as fast, she tugs me towards the empty chairs. The feel of multiple orbs viewing my every move sends a chill to dance along my spine. But one ocular observation surpassed all others, piercing my soul. Discovering the culprit, heather gray hues lock with mine as I take my seat across the table from him.

A sudden sensation of suffocation strangles my throat. Reaching for the misted glass of water, I swallow every last drop, emptying its contents, finally exhaling a much needed breath.

Shelly breaks our stare contest, “Chloe, in honor of you, my mother gifted your favorite,” she unveils a large pot, “Beef stew.” My stomach growls in hunger, my eyes widen in embarrassment. Snickers and withheld chortles arise, reddening my cheeks.

Shelly intervenes on my behalf, “I know Chlo, I can’t wait to eat too.” Grasping a serving spoon she dollops a heap of rice and coats the rice in delicious enticingly fragrant beef stew placing the bowl before me. Viewing the masterpiece before me I take note of the vibrant apricot colored carrots, dazzling verdant celery, light-toned potatoes, chunks of succulent beef and delicious thick sauce settling over the rice.

This was my mothers recipe, Cassy learned how to make it just like her for me. She knew of my apprehension staying over her home when I was younger so she and my mother made the beef stew meal together to assist me in acclimating to the new surroundings. It gives me a bit of nostalgia inhaling the aromatic aroma, it reminds me of home– my mother. I couldn’t help but to feel emotional as I inhaled the familiar scent.

“Come on Mariposa, dinner’s ready!”

Her voice signals my ears to perk up, licking my lips, the smell has been teasing my stomach all day. She cooks it for 8 hours to get the meat juicy and tender.

Scampering out of my room, I close the door, attempting to conceal the mess I’ve left behind. Skipping two steps at a time, sprinting towards the dining room table, settling on the chair next to hers, “It smells yummy mama.”

Smiling as she takes her place next to me, she boops my nose, “Does it now? Why don’t you tell me what it smells like?”

Baffled by her question, I shrug my shoulders, “Um, good?”

Releasing a laugh, “Good? Is that the best you can do?”

Peering from side to side, unsure what to say, mama reaches for the infamous book. Plopping the thesaurus in front of me, “Look it up Carino.”

Huffing an exasperated breath, I peel the book apart and search the words for a good replacement. Unearthing a new word, I formulate my sentence, wide eyed and triumphant, “The aroma is appetizing to my senses.”

With a bright smile, “That is an extraordinary string of terminology Mariposa.” Winking at me in approval with a nod of the head giving the signal to dig in, the edges of my lips curl with gleeful delight. I scoop up a heaping spoon of beef stew with rice, shoveling it in my mouth, feeling the satisfaction of my mothers cooking, tantalizing my tastebuds.

“Wow, Chlo. Hungry much?” Shelly’s voice whispers in my direction. Extracting me from my anamnesis, my eyes veer towards my bowl, noticing I’ve licked it clean.

Heat engulfing my face, I nod my head, searching to see if anyone else has captured my carnivorous endeavor. Everyone is engrossed in side conversations when he reaches for his glass capturing my breath with his pulchritudinous face causing my eyes to bounce back to the bowl.

“Here let me get you some more.” Shelly jumps to her feet refilling my bowl. At a slower pace I scoop a spoon after mouthwatering spoon into my mouth relishing every delectable flavor.

Once everyone has completed their meal, we shift to the living room where I’m escorted to a club chair to ensure my personal space is not imposed upon. Always considering my well being, my heart swells with love for my sister.

Jade escapes her conversation to haul a chair to my side ensuring there is enough distance between us.

“Hey Chloe. I’ve missed you. It’s weird not having you next door to enter your home as I please to expel the shenanigans of my day.”

A half smile tugs at the corner of my lip.

“I get it, the silence, the need for distance. You, more than anyone, know what I’ve been through and I completely understand. I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you. You’ve become my best friend, you’re my family. Whatever you need, I’ll always be here.”

She raised her hand to canopy my own, realizing her movement she snatched her hand back before contact. “I love you Chloe,” she chants before rising from her seat, towing her chair back allowing my area to remain free of closeness.

Rising to full height, a restroom break is on the books, one foot in front of the other I trace a path to the bathroom.

“Chloe?”

Amanda’s voice fills my ears, halting my venture to the restroom, twisting to meet her face to face.

“Hey, I just wanted to say hi. I haven’t seen you in so long and I’ve missed you. I’m here if you need me, you know. Anything,” she shrugged her shoulders in awkwardness as if she was nervous to be around in my presence.

Suddenly, her eyes seemed to shine with a brightness I’ve never seen before. As if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. “So... how does it feel to be a whole year older?”

Squinting my eyes towards her, a smile begins to tug at my lips fully cognizant we are the same age. Amanda’s face contorts in agony when she releases a forceful sneeze accompanied by a loud release of gas, triggering my eyes to widen, ultimately leading to a chorus of laughter to fill the room.

Amanda, in sheer embarrassment, conceals her face with her hands, running towards the bathroom. That is the first time I’ve laughed since this whole nightmare began. Canopying my lips to sequester my laughter, our yearning eyes meet once again, but this time, his infectious smile beams towards me. Unable to hold his gaze I twist at the waist to follow Amanda to the restroom.

Tapping on the bathroom door, Amanda swings it open. I peer at her with scrunched eyebrows concerned for her welfare. Without hesitation she spits out, “I’m going to leave Chloe. I’m glad you finally came out of the room and all but I need to get out of here.”

Nodding my head, I understand her need to retreat and seek solace away from prying eyes. She disappears from view escaping her embarrassment.

Finally relieving my bladder I exit the bathroom to be met by a massive chest almost knocking into it, triggering my physique to jump back.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you,” his hands fly up in defense which made me flinch in response.

Swinging his arms down, “Fuck Chloe, sorry.” Elijah whips his hand around his back, stepping back allowing for more space between us.

“I’ve missed our lunch dates. I hope you are recovering well. I can’t wait for us to talk again. Soooo much has happened that I’ve been dying to tell you but Your health is more important than my exploding love life.” He rambles at the speed of light.

A slight tinge pierced my heart, shaking my head slowly, my eyes water in regret.

“No, Chloe no. It’s okay. That just means we’ll have a really long lunch or we’ll have to make it a day to get together and talk. Maybe a spa day or spa and nails.”

A slight smirk stretches across my face.

“Just know I’m here for you but I have to use the restroom. I’ll see you out there,” he gestures towards the restroom.

Stepping aside I allow him entrance to the restroom shaking my head making my way back to the living room.

Jordan is beelining toward me and I brace myself for a possible conversation which ensues with her voice saying “Hi Chloe.”

Halting my steps, I meet her gaze.

“I know you haven’t been speaking and that’s okay. I’m not here to force you to speak to me. I just want you to know. I know you have been through something traumatic. Your disappearance has been horrific for Axle. He was barely functional, drinking, not sleeping, staring at your pictures. He was a hot fucking mess.”

My heart lurched at her words. I never craved to cause such heartache.

“I’m glad you’re back. He’s better now that you’re here. He truly loves you.” She nods her head while expelling his emotional state, generating a lump to form in my throat.

“I know this will take time but there is no better person in the world than Axle. If there is ever anyone to keep, It’s him. Just thought you should know. I hope you recuperate soon. You’re missed at the office.” Turning on the balls of her feet she makes her way back to the crowd when I find Axle gazing at me with furrowed eyebrows and sliced eyes laced with concern. I granted him a small smile alerting him the conversation was nothing to fret over.

Turning to enter the kitchen, I’m met by none other than Sharon, pouring a glass of wine. Passing each other, silence fills the space. Opening the refrigerator door, I find the pitcher of water to fill a glass when Sharon opens her mouth to speak to me.

“I never thanked you for exonerating Jordan.” She sips her wine, stepping closer to me. “I can see from your reluctance to speak or even have anyone near you, you were attacked. You may not know this but I was a victim of raped and assault.

Shock seized my face.

“I can see the signs, you know. It took therapy to truly recover from my ordeal. I may not like you for my own reasons but no one should ever go through that. At least not alone. Recovery is one hell of a bitch although it’s worth it.”

For the first time I was intrigued to converse with her.

“Why don’t you like me?” I broke my silence, curious for a response to this childish game of hers.

Flabbergasted by my question, she snorts out a laugh waving her hand, “Look at you Chloe, you’re gorgeous. Jordan is the love of my life and anyone who could capture her attention to me is my enemy. I know you love Axle, anyone with eyes can see that but that didn’t quell the, by the words of my therapist, the insecurity I feel that she will leave me for another.”

Swallowing a gulp of her wine she continues, “But therapy... when you’re ready... is crucial to moving forward Chloe. Take it from the bitch at the office.” She raises her glass to toast before she swigs another mouthful of wine as she strolls past me back to the side of her fiancé.

I’m gobsmacked at the fact Sharon not only spoke to me but was empathic and... nice? Shaking my head I make my way back to the living room taking a seat on the sofa next to Shelly. Conversations ensue and merriment fills the air as I heed conversations through the rest of the day.

This was much needed and thoughtful. A semblance of normalcy was just what I needed to feel some sort of ease. As the night winds down, I begin to clean up strewn glasses across the rooms when Shelly scolds me in the kitchen.

“Hey! There will be none of that! You are the guest of honor, you will not raise a finger,” she scolds with a rigid finger.

Flattening my lips, I glare at her pleading for normalcy. Exhaling a defeated breath, “Fine! I’ll bring the dishes. Can you load the dishwasher?” She inquires with annoyance in her tone.

Nodding my head I get to work on the dirty mess in the sink. Bringing dishes and cups by the handful she halts by my side, “Hey Chlo.”

She stopped within my personal space, “How are you doing?”

It’s a loaded question. How am I doing? I’m unsure how to commence answering such a query.

Sensing my hesitance, “Better yet how did you enjoy the get together?”

Moving my head up and down, “I enjoyed it. It was nice to see everyone and feel – normal for once,” I huffed out at the end.

Shelly’s smile seized the entirety of her face, “I’m ecstatic you’ve enjoyed yourself. You know this was all Axle’s doing.”

My actions halt, veering towards her hopeful gaze.

“He called me, despondent nonetheless. He has been beside himself, nothing but concerned for your well being. He was at his wits end. A basket case when you disappeared but since you’ve returned he’s been consumed with your recovery, stopping at nothing to ensure you get well and have everything you require.”

My eyes find his muscular form speaking with Jordan engaged in an intriguing conversation unaware of my stare. I watched his lips form words as he laughed and spoke unbeknownst of my intrusion to his conversation. I yearned to be the reason for his smile again.

Twisting to face Shelly, “I’m sorry Shell.” I open my arms, embracing her, “I didn’t mean to be such a burden to anyone.”

Pulling me back, “No Chlo, you are never a burden. We love you. You take care of those you love when they need it. That’s why we are all here. To help you even if you feel as if you don’t require it right now. We know you do.” Encasing me in her loving embrace I exhale a deep breath expelling my worries.

Looking into her eyes, “Where’s Eric?”

Huffing out an exasperated breath her red tendrils float in the air. “He has a work thing again,” rolling her eyes towards the ceiling she rinses out a cup.

“What’s going on Shell?” I inquired with adamant curiosity.

“That’s for another day. Today is all about you.”

Unpleased with her response, my head moves back and forth, “Thanks Shell, but us talking is more normal than anything that has been done today please.” I plead for our usual discord.

We embark on a lengthy conversation detailing how their love life has dwindled since their engagement and how she’s felt as if he’s no longer attracted to her. She shed tears which prompted my eyes to water.

As horrible as this sounds, I loved our conversation, not the content of what she was expelling but the fact that we picked up as if no time had lapsed... as if I never disappeared.

Jordan and Sharon were the last to exit, Shelly and I kept to ourselves with conversation.

“That is everything Chlo.”

Given the newfound information, punching Eric in the face a few times with a cement block seems reasonable. Does he truly have not one inkling how much he’s hurting my best friend? What a dick? Someone needs to set him straight.

“I’m exhausted, Chlo. Today and our conversation has exhausted me.” Moving my head up and down in agreement, Shelly twists back to mention, “He loves you Chlo, more than you can even imagine. He was an absolute mess without you. Some of us thought he wasn’t going to make it.”

My eyes widened at her declaration.

“He’s been paying for your apartment this whole time. He always knew you would come back. He worked day and night to try and find you, becoming angrier with each day that passed without you here.”

How do I not love this man? He’s been nothing but perfect and all i do is cause him torment with my inability to move on.

“That’s love Chloe, that’s the love you read about in stories. Real love.”

Mentioning “LOVE” made my heart beat in exasperation.

“Just know he’s here and waiting for you, on your time. We all are.”

I watch as she ascends the stairs contemplating everything she just expelled allowing it to mull over in my head. Putting the last cup away, Axle clears his throat.

Twisting to meet his emotional gaze, I can’t help but to catalog his defined features. His angular face, those mesmerizing eyes, pouty full lips, that strong jaw, his perfect brown hair. He is a sight to gaze upon.

“I just want to let you know this house is yours. Feel free to utilize any room as you please. This is your house. I’ll be here for whatever you need, just ask, no matter what. All I crave is your recovery however long it takes. I’ll have someone here for you 24/7 as my presence at work is required but you’ll always be my main priority.”

Gazing into his eyes I can view the immense pain beneath them triggering anguish to explode below my chest.

“No one recovers in solitude. Everyone, even myself, requires someone to assist in carrying the burden. I’m unaware of what transpired in your absence, regardless, allow me to assist you through this now. Rely on me. Trust me. We can conquer anything in unison.” His voice turned eager with angst.

His words, heavy, evoking my fingers to fidget and eyes to veer off to the unimpressive floor.

“Tears are not something I want to grace your face ever again except in sheer happiness. I’ll brush away every horrid moment you’ve ever experienced, replacing it with nothing but joyous memories you’ll treasure for a lifetime.”

His voice cracks just as I meet his gaze, swallowing the lump in my throat. I give him a subtle smile alerting him, I appreciate his loving words as I slide past him making my way to the vast, empty bed filtering through all of the events of today.

~~~

Chloe finally broke out of her shell?

Will her next step be Axle?

Theories? Thoughts?

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