Elegi Of Rose

Ayu stared at the papers like they were her archenemy. She despised the sight of them. She wanted them to burn right in Roy's hand and he could burn with them as well, because she hated him right that moment. Words escaped her and none came out of her mouth.

"This is probably what you wanted to talk about, right?" he said.

"What?" she stuttered in a whisper, her mind busy trying to stop the tears that were trying to break free.

"Roni is awake and obviously wants you back. I'll forget about the contract." He looked at her for a brief moment before adding, "You can leave." He placed the papers on the nearest table and crutched his way to his office. Scream, her mind ordered, but her tongue held back. Two balls of tears escaped her eyes. Her lips trembled to stop the rest from falling because she couldn't break down now. She couldn't even open her mouth without making a sound. A strong force was wrenching her heart and she couldn't breathe at all. Her knees wobbled and she steadied herself at the table, her hands right on top of the papers Roy presented to her. She snatched them, balling her hand with what was left of her strength and willed herself to walk. She needed to go to her room. There, she could cry and break down.

Go, Ayu, go... another voice ordered.

No, go knock on that door and say the words, a contradicting thought said.

But with a whimper, she followed the first voice and forced herself to take the steps up the stairs and there, she cried like a child. But she cried silently, muffling the sounds with her pillows. What a freaking day. She went to reject Roni and came home to be rejected. And she wasn't even able to make her proposal yet!

By the time her tears drained dry, Roy's words ran around her mind. You can leave...

And so Ayu ordered herself to get up.

*****

She took his car. He could rot in that house with his crutches and she wouldn't care.

Bargaining, denial, and acceptance could come later. Right now she was just plain angry-angry at him, and herself mostly. How could she have been stupid to think he'd want to keep her?

Yes, she could have walked right up to him and talk some sense, but a lot of things ran around her head. Maybe he was itching to get her out of his life.

Or maybe he thinks you wanted out, one part of her brain said, that ever hopeful part of her who wanted Roy so badly.

And what about last night? What, it was just a goodbye camping trip? The memory of last night was what made her angry and the reason why she left as he suggested.

"What a moron!" she grumbled, stepping on the gas. She left behind her things. They could rot with him as well.

All she took with her were the divorce papers-her worst nightmare.

Suddenly, she felt lost. And unlike most girls, she got no girl friends she could call for help. Yes, there was Rin, but calling her would be just stupid. And there was Yeyena, but the lady would only either jump with joy or snap at her for leaving. Herland and her family were out of the question.

Shit. Family.

How would they react?

She couldn't trouble over it right now though. First, she had to go back home-to her original home where she'd be alone-and think. She couldn't act harshly just because she was angry, right? She threw a quick glance at the papers lying beside her. How did he manage to get it that fast? Oh, yeah, he's a Punda.

Or maybe he had been preparing for this all along, another voice said and it was the one that caused more pain. A planned divorce was worse. It meant Roy saw this was coming and it did. He made it possible because he freaking planned for this a long time ago!

The constant pang in her chest hurt every time she thought of her husband, slash, soon-to-be-ex-husband-if-she-signed-the-papers. Their time together may not have been perfect, but it invaded most of her memories more than the years spent with Roni. She had been through a lot because of her husband-and most of them were usually happy in most ways.

Memories of their first meeting, their wedding, their honeymoon, their days inside his house, babysitting, those moments when they did nothing but stare up the stars, their camping trips... there were a lot of memories she could barely handle them without her heart aching with the thought that there would be no more them. No banters and snappy remarks. No Roy to eat her horrible cooking. No Roy to carry her home whenever she was intoxicated. No Roy who would get angry whenever she got a call from Herland. No Roy. And no Roy was like Cain without Abel or David without Goliath-the pairs were not perfect, but they had something the other didn't, and that was what she and Roy were.

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Ever felt like you were Atlas? Ever imagined how it would feel having that humongous weight on your shoulders and the pain radiates to your heart you could barely breathe? Ever thought of carrying that wherever you go? Well, that was what Ayu felt. But it was not the world she was carrying, but the cluster of emotions she was not able to express-the hurt, the anger, the love.

Part of her hated herself. She could have taken the risk of telling him what she felt like she originally planned. But most part of her told her to stay at home and get over it, sign the damned papers and... and what? Go on living like a zombie? Because that was what she had been doing for like a week now. She was a living dead rotting inside the confines of her own home. The home she had loved before she met Roy but now just felt like some cheap motel room that offered no comfort or security.

And it was not like Ayu to be sleeping the day doing nothing.

Get up, you stupid girl, her strong side urged almost every day.

But she gave in to the helplessness and the depression. She knew she was just going through a phase and it would be over soon.

She was practically lying on her carpeted floor, facedown, just staring at the far corner of her room like a crazy drunk when her phone rang. She did not get up. She didn't even know where she threw her mobile phone.

But it persisted, irritating her. She was loving the smell of her carpet and was in the process of creating some picture for a painting, but it was shattered because of the noise.

So she pushed herself up on both hands and stood up, feeling quite dizzy by the sudden change of position, and looked for her phone. She found it and punched the green button. "What?" she snapped.

"Are you okay? You sound tired," Rin's voice asked with concern.

"Yes, I'm okay," she rolled her eyes.

"Well, anyway, I have news for you," her sister-in-law, slash, soon-to-be-ex-sister-in-law-if-she-signed-the-papers, which were lying there on the floor with her, said with excitement. "Are you alone? Is Roy with you?" Oh, so he did not break the news yet? Great. What a moron. "Yes, I'm alone. Completely alone," she said dryly.

"Okay, so you would not believe this one. I just found out who Yen is dating!"

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"Who?" she asked, not really interested. She was too eager to drop the phone and go back on that carpet and dream. She knew she looked horrible and her hair was all over the place, but she didn't care. "Henry Bell! Can you believe it?" Rin squealed.

"Uh, no," she frowned. "But I thought you said she was dating someone rugged-looking?"

"I know, right? But then, I really bumped into them just this morning and I got a good look at him. I don't really know Henry that well-only seen him during parties-but I knew it was him! But get this. It looked like he was not that glad to see me! And Yen was in shock like she wanted to hide. It was just so weird."

"They're probably trying to hide it," she said.

"Maybe, but anyways, why don't you come over? I'm baking a cake."

"Uh, I have some work to do," she lied.

"Where's Roy anyway?"

"I don't know, I haven't seen him in a week," she said truthfully.

She got the reaction she expected. Rin laughed. "Funny, Yu. Is he working his ass off and ignoring you again?"

"Yeah, I guess that's the thing," she nodded.

"Well, I hope he gets better soon. And call me when his cast is removed so we can come by and celebrate."

"Uh, sure," she nodded. "Hey, I really need to go now."

"Okay, talk to you soon?"

"Sure," she gulped the tears. She loved Rin like she was her real sister. Turning off her phone, she threw it on her bed.