Double Lines

Present: Three months later…

I keep one-half of the baby monitor on my bedside drawers, so if Tyler wakes at any time during the night, I can get up promptly. Not that I really need the monitor… when Tyler wakes for a feed or nappy change, he opens his lungs and screams the floor down.

So I’m surprised when I wake up not to the sound of my son screaming his lungs out but to a familiar shuffle in his room.

Lazily, I flick my blankets off me and walk out of my room and into the dark hallway. As I approach Tyler’s room, I see Melina crouched on the floor, staring through the bars into his crib.

Tyler was born three months ago after an eight-hour labour. He came into the world with the reddest of faces, crying and looking like a miniature old man. I named him Tyler Ethan Carter. Ethan, after his father. Melina stayed with me throughout my whole labour. Once Tyler came into the world, David was there, announcing to the nurses, doctors, and anyone who would listen that he was the proud godfather of the cutest baby in the ward.

“Hey,” I say, leaning against the door frame. This is not the first time I’ve caught Melina watching over Tyler, but it is the first time I’ve spoken to her while she’s doing it.

“Hi,” she says.

“How is he?” I ask, looking down at my little bundle. For all the tears and smells that emanate from him, he is my biggest joy.

“Breathing,” Melina smiles.

“Melina,” I say tentatively, “why do you sit and watch him sleep?”

This is a question I’ve been dying to ask since I caught her the first time. I remember mentioning it to David, but he said it was up to Melina to tell me. And I left it with that. I knew if Melina wanted me to know, she would tell me.

Melina turns and gives me a sad smile.

“I had a baby… once. I was nineteen. He… he died of SIDS, and I promised myself that if I ever had another baby, I would never leave him out of my sight,” she tells me.

“Oh.”

“I know Tyler isn’t my baby, but he’s still blood, and… and I can’t bear to see that happen again. I’m sorry, Mikaela.”

My face drops, and I rush over to her, wrapping my arms around her body.

“It wasn’t your fault,” I told her. The fact that she cares so much for my son warms my heart. I will forever be grateful for her supporting us.

“I know. I know. It’s what… what my boyfriend said at the time, but… I couldn’t help but blame myself. What if I hadn’t been so tired and fallen asleep? What if… I hadn’t let myself rest that little bit longer. Why didn’t I get up and check on him? Would he still be alive?”

“It wasn’t your fault,” I repeat, unsure what else to say to her. Of course, I knew about SIDS, sudden infant death syndrome. Babies are more inclined to suffer from it in the first three months of life, but I didn’t know anyone who had been through it. SIDS had something to do with babies suddenly stopping to breathe while sleeping, and there were many thoughts as to why it occurred. I know one time they thought it was better to place babies on their stomachs to sleep, and then that notion moved to putting babies on their sides to sleep. Now, it’s recommended to place babies on their backs to sleep, so they don’t squash their lungs.

“Did your boyfriend blame you?” I asked. Melina shook her head.

“No. Never. But I blamed myself. I pushed him away, blaming myself. It was my fault, what he did… I lost everything when I lost my baby.”

“What did he do? What happened to your boyfriend?” I asked.

“I found him in bed with someone else,” Melina says, looking back at Tyler.

“Oh shit, sorry,” I say, touching her hair affectionately.

“He said it didn’t mean anything, that he loved me….”

“They all say that.”

Melina snorts at my comment.

“I couldn’t forgive him. I refused to take him back. I… I… couldn’t see them together. It hurt too much.” I nod thoughts of seeing Noah with Andrea filling my head. It hurts that betrayal. But I could not fathom how Melina felt, losing her baby and her boyfriend. That sucks. That more than sucks. That’s simply awful.

“What was your baby’s name?” I ask, attempting to change the subject.

“Michael,” Melina smiles.

“That’s close to my name,” I smile.

“Yeah. I’m surprised they named you after him, actually,” Melina asks.

“Genetically, he would have been my half-brother,” I muse.

“No. Not your half-brother,” Melina says quietly.

I look at my aunt, who stares at the crib. Things click into place. Mum, Dad, Melina…

“Is this why you live so far away? Why… mum never speaks about you?”

“I guess,” Melina nods.

“When they got together, my parents weren’t very impressed, as you can imagine. And when they announced they were going to get married… well, I said some things. Not very nice. And I left,” Melina says, shrugging.

I look at my baby, sleeping peacefully in his crib, his eyes shut and his chest rising and falling as he takes each breath.

“I was surprised when you rang all those months ago. I was going to hang up, but when you said your name…”

“You couldn’t.”

“No. I couldn’t.”

“You should try and get some sleep. He’ll be up for a feed soon,” Melina smiles.

“You should, too,” I reply.

“Mikaela,” Melina says as I walk into the hall.

“Hmm?”

“I love that you’re here. Please don’t think I don’t,” Melina says.

“Thanks, Melina. Thank you for taking me in. You didn’t have to,” I smile.

“Like I said, I love you. You’re the daughter I never had.”

I grin and turn and hug my aunt in the darkened hallway. I don’t know how long we stand there, holding each other, but we’re interrupted by Tyler’s cries.

“Duty calls,” I smile, pulling away from Melina.

“Duty calls,” she smiles back, turning around and walking back toward her room.

//\\///\\\//\\

I wish I could wake up at a normal time in the mornings, but because of my late-night adventures, I tend to sleep in till at least ten every morning. Have a baby, it’s easy. I highly recommend it.

Tyler is lying in his cot, his eyes lighting up when he sees me.

“Hello baby, good morning,” I coo, picking him up and taking a deep sniff of his baby smell. Tyler smiles, and I can’t help but marvel at his cute face. Tyler looks like his father, or at least, how I remember his father looks. He has short, fine black hair, which I assume will grow thicker as he ages and grey eyes. The only thing he got from me is his chin, which is curved and round.

I change his nappy and dress him in a light blue onesie, then place him on my hip as I take him downstairs. One thing about Tyler is that he is spoilt, the apartment looking more like a day centre than a home. Okay, I lie. There is a toy box full of toys and a sensory mat near the television. David has gone all baby crazy and has kitted our apartment all baby-friendly.

I place Tyler in his highchair while I make myself breakfast. I’m still breastfeeding, but as Ty can sit up with some support, I place him there so he can watch me. While making my toast and tea, I think about everything I learned last night. Part of me wants to call my parents and confront them, but part of me wants to leave it. I know it’ll come up eventually, but I’m too hormonal at the moment to deal with it sanely.

“And what are our plans for the day, huh?” I ask my boy. He smiles and giggles in response.

“I think you’re right. We’re going to see Aunty Willow today,” I smile. Tyler giggles some more, raising his arms up and down in delight.

I leave Tyler on the floor as I set up his pram downstairs, and then I run back up and grab his large nappy bag and, of course, him. Popping my head into the back of the bakery, I wish them good morning before I go for my walk. We usually walk to the nearby park, where I feed him and watch the small children play on the equipment. I then return to the bakery and change his nappy in the staff room.

“Going to Pinnacle today?” Miguel asks.

“Yup,” I reply. Miguel straps Tyler back into his pram while grinning at my boy, who is smiling up at me and babbling away. I was surprised at how caring Miguel was once Tyler was born. He’s a bit of a womaniser, so watching him show love to my son was a bit of a surprise. I’ve learned that Miguel’s sister has young children, whom he adores. However, he’s not ready to have any of his own yet.

I have lunch with Willow at least once a week. Sometimes, we go out for lunch, but most times, we eat in Pinnacle’s main staffroom with food we order in.

As I push Tyler’s pram through the foyer of Pinnacle’s building, his babbling becomes more animated. Tyler loves coming here; he’s quite the attention whore.

“Where is he?” Willow calls out when she sees me walk in. I don’t have time to reply as she comes over and unstraps him from his pram, picking him up. Tyler snuggles himself into her neck. I can’t help but smile as people get up from their desks and walk over to say hello to my little man.

“I wish I got that kind of attention,” Daniel tells me as he walks up. I laugh.

“Stop being such a sleaze then, and maybe,” I reply.

“So you mean all I have to do is smile, giggle, and they’ll come running?”

“I don’t know,” I laugh.

I watch as Willow walks Tyler to David’s office and follow behind with my pram. Walking into his office, I see Tyler falling asleep in David’s arms.

“Hi, Kaela,” David greets softly.

“Hi, David,” I reply, kissing his cheek. David gently places Tyler on the cushion Willow placed on the floor, and I grab a blanket from the nappy bag over him. This is the usual routine when visiting David and Willow at Pinnacle. We arrive, Tyler gets swarmed by females like paparazzi, and then he falls asleep in David’s arms.

I bend down and kiss Tyler’s cheek before waving David goodbye and walking towards Willow to have lunch.

“You look tired,” Willow states while we eat. Today, we ordered Subway, with Daniel going to get it for us.

“I’m always tired,” I reply. And it’s true. I’m so tired; I feel drained. Melina and David have been great, looking after Tyler so I can sleep, but I feel guilty when they do it. It feels like they’re helping me too often.

“I can babysit,” Willow suggests. I frown.

“But then, what would I do?”

“I can babysit,” Daniel offers. Willow and I turn and look at him and laugh.

“Okay… maybe not. But you didn’t have to be that harsh,” Daniel states.

“Thank you both for offering, but Tyler is still so young. When he’s on solids and drinking from a bottle, maybe. But until then,” I sigh.

“Well, bags being the favourite uncle then. I’ll take him to soccer games and practices,” Daniel suggests. I smile.

“Thank you for that,” I reply.

“That’s okay. It’ll make picking up girls easier,” he sincerely states, making me laugh.

“If you say so,” I tell him.

We finish our lunch, and I smile as I say goodbye to them. The main staff room on this floor is comfortable, with many armchairs and sofas spread around the space in front of a floor-to-ceiling window with city views. I could stay here all day if I didn’t have any responsibilities. But I do, so I can’t.

Slowly, I get up from my comfortable seat and return to David’s office.

“How is he?” I ask as I quietly step inside.

“Sleeping like an angel,” David replies.

“Thank you for watching him for me.”

“You know I love to,” David admits. I nod. I know David adores Tyler, treating him like his own. Carefully, I lift Tyler from his spot on the floor and place him back in his pram. Tyler stirs in his sleep, so I gently shush him, which makes him close his eyes again.

“He’ll sleep in the car,” David tells me. I nod.

“Yeah, he will,” I agree.

“Thanks for watching him, David,” I say again, hug David.

“Anytime,” David says, kissing me goodbye.

- edited