Desire for you - ALPHA ILAY

DELILAH

It was late at night. I was woken by Ilay's voice. I wondered and listened for a moment until I realised it wasn't the usual moaning, but a desperate cry.

I've never heard Ilay cry since I've been here... What could make Ilay cry? I had to swallow and assumed the worst. Maybe he's hurt? Did he fall or did something happen to him?

I felt panicked inside and the first thing that came to my mind was to go outside and check on him.

My legs were already carrying me down the long corridor towards his room as his voice got louder and louder.

His door was ajar. I knocked as a precaution before entering Ilay's room. He didn't answer, he was so preoccupied with himself that he didn't even notice me enter the room.

I had to swallow when I saw him. He was sitting on the floor, holding a picture in his hand. I could make out a woman and a newborn baby in the picture... As distraught as Ilay was, I could only assume it was his mate he had to reject.

Ilay was devastated, and when I touched him on the shoulder, he made no effort to see who I was. He looked into the fire and said nothing.

"I thought something had happened to you," I explained myself and waited for his response.

But he didn't say anything, he seemed to be lost in thought.

He quickly wiped the tears from his eyes and shook his head.

"It's all right," he said quietly, his eyes fixed on the fire.

I could see that his situation was anything but good.

I had never seen Ilay like this before. It seemed as if his partner had still driven him to despair after a year.

He hadn't yet come to terms with it all.

"She's beautiful... Is that her? Your mate?" I asked him quietly and sat down next to him. Whether I was allowed to do that was the other question. My gut feeling told me that it was okay. Ilay would surely say so if it didn't suit him... Especially as it looked like he needed someone to help him.

"This is her," he whispered, running his finger over the picture.

Ilay forced himself to pull himself together and not cry in front of me, but that was wrong. It was pure stress for the body and at some point it had to come out.

"You don't need to be ashamed of your feelings... It's okay," I said to him and gently reached for his hand.

I saw his lips trembling and he couldn't hold back any longer.

Tears were streaming down his face and he was sobbing. My heart broke at the sight, so I pulled him into my arms and gently stroked his hair "It's going to be okay..." I whispered softly to him as he poured his heart out.

"It's going to be okay... Let it out..." I breathed into his ear and stayed in this position while I continued to stroke his hair.

Ilay must have fallen asleep in my arms because I could now hear him snoring softly after his collapse.

I sighed softly and gently stroked his hair again as I scrutinised him.

He didn't look like the evil Ilay that everyone was afraid of. No. At that moment, he was sleeping peacefully and looked like a decent, handsome man. I had seen a version of him that probably few people have seen. I had rather expected him to send me packing, but that wasn't the case.

He simply accepted my presence and took the shoulder I offered him.

His forehead was still leaning against my shoulder and we were both sitting on the floor. Gradually it became uncomfortable to sit on the floor, but I couldn't move without waking him.

I saw the picture that had fallen out of Ilay's hand and carefully reached for it.

I looked at the picture and bit my lower lip.

The woman looked a lot like me, it was the woman I had seen on Ilay's bedside table. The picture with him, the woman and the other man...

That had to be her other partner. They had looked very happy together and now Ilay was anything but happy.

I saw more letters on the table that Ilay must have read. That would also explain his condition, because a picture alone would probably not trigger it.

I put the picture next to the letters. I wondered what was in her letters, but didn't dare to read them.

I looked at Ilay: "Ilay... Let me help you to bed," I whispered softly, hoping he would hear me. "Mhm..." he mumbled half-asleep and tried to get up in a daze.

I helped him and supported him under my arm as we walked to his bed.

He lay down in bed and suddenly pulled me in with him.

"Stay here... Please..." he whispered softly. I bit my lower lip and seriously wondered if I was allowed to do that?

I mean, I was already in his bed and his grip was pretty damn tight.

I just nodded as he snuggled up to me and leaned his head against my torso.

I gently stroked his hair as he must have fallen asleep again.

I watched the ever-shrinking flames in the fireplace and thought about what my life would have been like with Zamiel. Feeling the warmth of a man every night, the love, the feelings... Everything that goes with a relationship.

I was doomed to never experience any of those feelings, but in that moment, the closeness of Ilay was all I had.

Maybe it was the comfort I needed too? To lie quietly in the arms of a man and just enjoy the peace, to process what had happened... To do none of that except look into those flames and not have to say anything more, not have to explain anything more.

Maybe it was a coincidence that we had met at the black market? Or had he mistaken me for her?

At that moment, a thousand questions flashed through my mind, but I decided not to say anything. It was none of my business what he had in his past and who knows, maybe it really was just a coincidence...

Ilay snuggled closer to me and snored softly. I was glad he was asleep, because if he could read my mind...

My sleep caught up with me too and eventually I drifted peacefully into a deep slumber.

ILAY

I woke up and the first thing I saw was Delilah sleeping peacefully next to me. By now she was in my arms.

I had to swallow, it really wasn't a dream. It was reality, I had seriously cried to Delilah yesterday, like a little boy.

Now, in hindsight, without the influence of alcohol, I was really uncomfortable and embarrassed. Even though the moment had felt right.

Her sweet scent caught my nose and gave me pause. She looked beautiful when she was asleep.

I wonder if she had been lying here all night. Apparently she had...

With any other woman, I would probably have thrown her out of the room at that moment, but with her it was something else. At least I didn't have anything sexual going on with her and I'd better keep it that way.

Although my heart cried out for Catherine, Delilah was different. There was something about her that I couldn't describe. Not even Achira had that quality about her. It was unique...

Catherine... My eyes widened and I thought about the letters I had read last night. I had actually read them and Ryan had really been in the bar... The whole thing felt like a bad dream.

Damn it, Ryan! I suddenly got angry and wanted to slash him. Maybe I should have done that on the first day. Then I would have been spared all the suffering.

I carefully pulled my arm away from Delilah and stood up. I was wearing nothing but my jogging bottoms. I walked over to the letters and held them in my hand.

I looked at them for a moment, took a deep breath and then exhaled.

I lit the fire in the fireplace again and thought about throwing everything into the blazing fire. The flames blazed bright and bluish on the floor of the fireplace.

If I throw these letters away, at least I'll be spared the rest ... One day I could finish with Catherine...

Before I dropped the letters, I had to swallow and watched my hand tremble.

They were Catherine's last words to me, some of which I hadn't read... didn't want to read.

Suddenly Delilah was standing next to me, shocked at what I had just done.

"No!" I heard Delilah scream as she ran to the fireplace and held out her hand for the burning letters. Oh God... I froze, staring at what was unfolding before my eyes at that moment.

"Damn it!" she hissed, shaking the letters violently to put out the fire.

I looked at her in disbelief and marvelled at the fearlessness with which she did this. She had reached into my fire with her bare hands, which was much hotter than normal fire, and pulled the letters out almost unharmed.

Damn... She hurt herself because of me. I was still mad at Ryan and now I was mad at Delilah. It could have been worse for her...

"Are you out of your mind? Why the hell are you throwing those letters away?" she screamed, looking at me, stunned.

"You're just throwing away important memories in the hope that they'll be forgotten that way? The only thing you're doing is burdening your conscience. You would regret this decision forever, not knowing what she told you!" Delilah said, looking at me with a serious expression.

Oh God... Had she really told me that?

She put the half-burnt letters, including the picture of Catherine, on the table and shook her head. She stood in front of me and bit her lower lip: "I know you'll send me packing for those words ... But burning these letters is not the right way, Ilay, you have to read them... It's important! Don't you want to know what else she has to tell you?" she asked me suddenly, looking up at me.

I couldn't help but smile at her words, because maybe Delilah wasn't so wrong... I would probably regret everything and even cry after those letters and the picture...

I looked at Delilah and didn't really know what to say because I was finding it damn hard to say anything.

"Just go Delilah... I want to be alone," I finally said to her. I had let Delilah get too close to me... That was a mistake.