Desire for you - ALPHA ILAY

CATHERINE

My beloved Ilay, my heart ...

If you should read these letters one day, you should know that every word I have written, I say out of pure love for you ...

I don't even know where to start ... It's like my heart has been torn in two ... Ryan tries to get me out of bed every day, but I just can't do it. If only it was that ...

Letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. You are my drug, which I have to give up ... You are my everything, how am I supposed to live with knowing that you are alone?

Simply because you, who you are, touched deep places in me that I didn't even know existed ...

For a fortnight now, I can't believe you're not here. I can go on, heartbroken, trying to put the pieces back together. I could ... But this time I don't have the will.

All the joy of life has escaped me and even when I try to reach for it ... I reach into the void every time.

I sit here trying to put my thoughts and feelings into words, knowing that words can never be enough to express the depth of my love for you.

From the moment our paths crossed, I knew you were special ... Even if I didn't want to admit it at first.

I know that I have to prepare myself inwardly to let you go ... But I can't.

The words we said to break our bond were meaningless words.

Is it selfish of me? Is it selfish to mourn you? To forget everything else for a moment, even if the moment lasts longer than I wanted?

Everyone tells me that this pain will go away, but will it ever really? Do I want this pain to go away at all? It seems like I need to forget you, but I don't want to.

ILAY

Catherine's letter ended here and I could see on the paper that her tears had fallen on it and dried.

I couldn't hold back my tears either and was forced to cry.

It was as if a fire had been lit inside me. Knowing that she had suffered so much brought me to the brink of despair. I could have killed anyone with all my life. I would have done anything to keep Catherine with me ... fate was damn cruel.

I could feel Catherine's heartache in my chest and that wasn't all ... That was one of many letters she had written to me.

Damn it, Ryan, why the hell did you have to reopen my wound? Why are you fucking showing me these letters again? Wasn't it all bad enough already to be back to square one after a year? What on earth are you trying to tell me with these letters?

I was no longer able to think clearly and my hand was shaking as I reached for the next letter.

CATHERINE

Since you're not here to witness all that's happened, I'll write to you so you don't miss anything ...

At least Ryan thinks that writing helps me deal with my pain.

He makes me go running with him every day. Pregnancy is taking a massive toll on me, my legs are massively swollen and I'm now allowed to wear support stockings ...

I feel like I've aged like an old granny.

If it was just the stockings, I'd be happy, but it doesn't stop there.

My hair loss is increasing massively and my skin doesn't look any better.

Ryan complains to me every day that I need to eat more, but I can't manage it. The nausea takes over again. The only thing I can still tolerate is chocolate and ice cream.

At least the ice cream is good for my soul too ...

Kilian has been here with us in the pack for a few days now and is trying to hold the fort with Ryan.

My mood isn't very pleasant at the moment and I'm probably scaring everyone and everything away.

God knows what the members of the Black Moon pack think of me ... "She's supposed to be our Luna? No way!" My reputation as a sourpuss and good-for-nothing precedes me. Nobody dares to say a word to me for fear of hurting me ...

I have to laugh about my condition now, Ilay ... I never thought I would be so attached to you and that it would affect me so much. At first I wanted to get rid of you, but now I want nothing more than to have you by my side.

It's as if you've pulled the chair from under my feet and now I'm hanging on and trying to free myself from the rope ... Except that my death is dragging on.

If I had known how this would have ended with us, I would never have let Azrael bring me back to life ... I would have spared you and Ryan the pain of thinking that I was simply dead.

Knowing that you're somewhere in this world and can't come to me kills me.

Could have, could have, chain ... It's all useless now.

Do you want to know the latest? Ryan wants us to set up a baby room ... I'll give you three guesses who doesn't fancy it ... It's me.

I can't pretend the world's all right again ...

It hurts.

ILAY

I wiped the tears from my face and didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I could imagine Catherine's desperate situation, being forced by Ryan to eat and set up a baby room.

Ryan could be damn stubborn about that.

Hell yes! It hurt, it fucking hurt ...

As I reached for the next letter, I saw a picture of Catherine and her baby in her arms. That was her ... My Catherine!

I stared at the picture in disbelief ...

Catherine was holding her son in her arms and it looked like it was a picture taken just after the birth.

Catherine smiled weakly into the camera while the baby slept in her arms.

I turned the picture and what I read sent me into a state of shock. I had the feeling that the whole world would stand still in that second.

"Henry Ilay Hamilton" was written down. They had named him after me ... Fuck, now my emotions were on a rollercoaster.

I felt like a wimp at that moment and I cried my heart out.

This image hit me right in the heart and touched me at a point I never thought would exist.

In that moment, I missed Catherine and all the circumstances we had back then ...

Now I regretted every decision I had ever made in my life. It was pure heartbreak. I couldn't describe this feeling, it was as if I had been hit by a lorry: My body sank to the ground while I held the picture in my hands and cried. The ground was literally pulled out from under my feet and the guilt I felt towards Catherine was massive.

I was so preoccupied with the situation that I didn't hear the door open.

I felt a hand on my shoulder when I was able to think again.

I realised that it was Delilah's hand on my shoulder, and in this state I hardly dared to look her in the eye.

"I-I thought something had happened to you..." she said quietly, apparently not knowing how to react. She was probably shocked to see me in such a state ... Damn it was embarrassing. What the hell was she doing in my room anyway?

I wiped the tears from my eyes as quickly as possible and shook my head.

Not only did something happen, bloody chaos erupted inside me as if nothing had happened all year. Just when I felt like everything was right for me, I was proven wrong, I thought to myself, still not knowing what to say to Delilah.

Marvellous ...

"It's all good," I croaked out quietly, my eyes fixed on the fire.

Why was I uncomfortable with Delilah seeing me in this state? I was less uncomfortable with Achira than I was with her. She was a simple servant. What did I care what she thought of me at that moment?

Delilah's gaze was fixed on the picture I was holding in my shaky hands. She looked at the picture too and remained very calm.

"She's beautiful, is she? Your mate?" she whispered softly and sat down next to me.

I had to swallow hard and nodded slightly as I looked at Catherine in the picture. Her hair was slightly dishevelled and it looked as if she had had her hair quickly straightened for the picture. The birth had obviously taken its toll on her, because the circles under her eyes were dark and she just looked tired. Tired and happy at the same time ....

"That's her," I whispered softly as I ran my finger over the picture. Tears gathered in my eyes again and I tried to hold them back.

"You don't have to be ashamed of your feelings ... It's all right," Delilah said and gently reached for my hand. No one had ever said those words to me before ... I was always told that I had to be strong for her sake ... I had promised Catherine that I would be strong and stand up for my husband.

Was that why Delilah had less trouble accepting her terrible fate? Because she allowed her feelings? Because she allowed herself to be sad and process it all in her own way? Because she wasn't ashamed of the feelings she had?

Delilah's touch electrified my body and I couldn't take any more ... There was nothing stopping me from crying unrestrainedly for Catherine at that moment. It was this kind of touch that I had missed every minute and every second ... The comfort I needed ...

Delilah gently pulled me into her arms as I rested my head on her shoulder, making sure her pyjamas were wet with my tears. She gently stroked my hair and didn't say a word.

It was her presence that made me open up to her.

"It's going to be okay..." she whispered softly to me. Her touch was like a balm for my soul. Even the smell of her slowly calmed me down.

"It's all right, Ilay ... let it out," she breathed into my ear and was now completely silent.

It was okay ... It was okay to let your feelings out. I had repressed it long enough and now I was letting it all out.