Can't Help Falling For You

The two boys looked around the small square room with the tiny bathroom off to one side and an equally minuscule kitchen beside it. The apartment would be cramped with the two of them but it was the best that they had seen all week and they were both getting tired of looking. At least there was no mould in this one, no noisy neighbours from what they could tell, and more importantly, the lock on the door worked. Blaine knew this would be the best they were going to find. Yes, it was in Queens, but it wasn't too far from Manhattan and the neighbourhood seemed alright. The small, dark haired boy turned to his boyfriend who looked less than thrilled at the prospect of squeezing all their stuff into a tiny, one bedroom, third floor apartment. Blaine winced a little. He really didn't think they were going to find anything better at this point.

“What do you think Sam? I know it's small but this is as much as we can afford together. Just think of it this way, it'll be cosy.” He came over to the tall blonde, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist and resting his chin on Sam's chest as he looked up pleadingly into his eyes. He could tell Sam was really thinking about it and finally he looked down to him, sighing but his mouth quirked into a small smile.

“I think we can make this look like home B. And I don't care where we are as long as I'm with you.” Leaning down he kissed Blaine chastely, leaving the smaller boys lips tingling and wanting more. Blaine could never get enough of Sam. He loved him more than he had ever loved anyone before.

“Me too. Shall we take it then?” Blaine inquired, a hopeful expression on his face and Sam nodded his head. A broad grin quickly spread across Blaine's face as he took Sam's hand to go back down to the patiently waiting agent below.

“Yeah. We can paint it and put some pictures up, it'll look great then.” They went back down the stairs to the estate agent to sign the documentation. They were getting their own place. Together. Moving in with each other for the first time and it felt wonderful to Blaine. So what if they were living in a shoe box, he didn't care. All that mattered was that he was with his Sammy. Forever.

It had been a week since he and Sam had moved into their new place. Boxes were still scattered everywhere and they had only just finished painting the walls. Yesterday they had bought a couch but other than a bed and a sofa, they had no other furniture yet. Blaine didn't care though, it was their home and they would make it look nice before too long. They had even discovered that they had the tiny roof on the top of the apartment too and he couldn't wait to plant some flowers up onto it. To really make it their home.

He had been so busy with the move and his classes that he hadn't had time for anything else however. Sam had been busy with work as well and so here he was, at NYADA, leaving their new apartment looking like a tornado had struck it. Tying up his laces of his workout shoes, Blaine groaned internally when he spotted the person he wanted to see the least traipsing across the room to him, his head held high in a proud way, a cruel smile gracing his lips. As Kurt stood in front of him, his arms crossed as if to wait for Blaine to make the first move, Blaine frowned and carried on getting ready for class, ignoring his ex-boyfriend in the process. When Kurt realised what he was up to, Blaine heard a huff from behind him and he sighed heavily as he turned round to see exactly what it was that Kurt wanted from him.

“What do you want Kurt?” He tiredly asked the chestnut haired boy who was looking down his nose at him.

“I heard you and Sam have moved in together. Well have fun while it lasts because we all know that Sam's only in a relationship with you for one thing and you probably give it to him so easily that it's a joke. You're probably so desperate for him to stay that you'll do anything to keep him. Well, you know what they say, people don't buy the cow when they can get the milk for free.” Kurt sneered a little and Blaine felt his jaw drop and his eyebrows raise at the rude remark. His throat tightened as a scowl formed on his face. Sam would never abandon him, he was his best friend and he loved him more than anything. Kurt just didn't understand.

“That's not true, we love each other. Look, I'm sorry if I've hurt you in any way but I can't help the way I feel and neither can Sam; and we weren't even together when Sam and I got together, you had broken up with me...” He replied pragmatically. He did not want to get into yet another fight with Kurt in the middle of class. As it was people were starting to stare, waiting for any juicy action that might take place so they could gossip with their friends about it later.

Kurt laughed as though he had said the funniest thing in the world. “Sure he loves you Blaine and not just fucking you senseless. You and I both know this isn't going to last. You gave up the best thing you ever had for a roll around in the sack with a pretty blonde. Well, more fool you Blaine. It'll all come to nothing in the end and you'll end up sad and lonely, which is what you deserve.” As he spat out the last part Blaine could feel the sting of tears prick his eyes and his throat get thick with the lump that was forming. How dare he say that Sam didn't love him? They would last, they were far more than just sexual partners. Sam was his best friend, and he always would be.

“You're wrong Kurt, Sam loves me and he always will so get used to it because it's never gonna change!” He yelled at Kurt, who took a step back at Blaine's anger, flinching slightly as though he were scared Blaine would hit him. The smaller boy picked up his bag and stormed out of class. There was no way he would be able to concentrate now, not with Kurt's words hanging over his head. He kept telling himself that Sam truly and genuinely loved him, but it didn't stop the niggling insecurities that Blaine felt about himself and his self-worth. Did Sam genuinely love him? Or was it just physical? With tears flowing down his face he stopped outside a bakery, spotting his favourite pastry dish. Cronuts. He pushed the door of the shop open...

Putting the key in the door, Sam pushed it open to his new apartment, breathless in his happiness at his new living arrangements. It had been fun living with Mercedes for a while, but this was infinitely better. Blaine was not only his boyfriend, he was his best friend and nothing would ever change that. The large smile that had been on his face for the whole of the day dropped as soon as he saw Blaine, sitting on their couch eating and looking decidedly miserable.

“Blaine? What's going on? What are you eating?” Sam asked concerned as he sat beside the man he loved. Blaine sobbed, his mouth full and Sam immediately wrapped the smaller boy into his arms safely, watching as Blaine crumpled into them, clutching at his shirt.

“Sam... I'm sorry!”

Shocked, his eyes going wide at Blaine's outburst he started rubbing the boys back as he rocked him back and forth to calm him down. He was really worried. Blaine hadn't been like this since Kurt broke it off with him. He looked a mess. What the hell could have happened? “For what? B, tell me what's wrong.”

“Kurt... he said that you didn't love me, that you only wanted me for sex... and I... I...” Sam's face softened at Blaine's words. He never thought he was good enough for anyone. Sam knew better however. He was extremely lucky to be loved by such an amazing person as Blaine Anderson. The residing anger that he felt for Kurt rose a little as he comforted his boyfriend in his arms. How dare Kurt say these things to him? He knew exactly what to say to hurt Blaine. He was going to give him a piece of his mind the next time he saw him.

“Hey, hey. Don't you dare listen to him. I love you because of who you are. Yeah the sex is fantastic, I'll give you that, but I love you because you're kind and caring and you look after me and support me. Because you understand me like no other person does. You make me feel like I can do anything. That I'm not an idiot. I love you because you always think of others before yourself. Kurt is just jealous of what we have honey, that's all.” Blaine's sniffles resided as he peered up into Sam's sky blue eyes.

“Did you just call me honey?” He asked incredulously.

Sam shrugged in a nonchalant fashion. “Yeah I was testing it out, do you like it?” When Blaine chuckled Sam knew he didn't mind the nickname.

“I like anything you call me.” Sam's heart surged in his chest as he gazed down lovingly into the golden eyes of the person that he wanted to spend the rest of his days with. “I'm...I'm sorry I didn't trust that you love me.” Smiling, he pressed a kiss onto Blaine's temple before laying his head on top of the other boys.

“Hey, it's ok. It's not that you don't trust me, it's that Kurt can make you feel like crap. He knows you so well he can push all the right buttons. He's only doing it because he's hurting and jealous and he wants you all to himself. You comfort eat because it takes the pain away, I get it.”

“Maybe he should have thought of that before hurting me so much and dumping me.” Blaine responded bitterly, snuggling closer to Sam for the comfort of Sam's strength around him. Sam hated that Blaine felt this way. He wished that he didn't have anything more to do with Kurt but that was not an option whilst they both went to the same school.

“Yeah, maybe... Hey his loss is my incredible gain, hmm?” He told Blaine, trying to cheer him up. He loved the big smile on his face, not this sorrowful expression, crumpled and worn. He looked so tired, with dark circles under his eyes. Blaine never slept well, but it had been getting worse lately and Sam wondered whether the smarmy, stuck up, male diva had anything to do with it.

Blaine nodded and gave him a wry grin that didn't reach his eyes. “I love you Sammy.”

“I love you too. Blaine...” They both sat in silence for a while just relishing in the comfort of each other’s company. Sam could help but feel worried about Blaine's habitual eating habits whenever he was upset. Was this normal? If he only ate a little, he wouldn't have really thought about it but it was a lot. There were wrappers and cartons everywhere. This couldn't be healthy. He took in a large breath before he decided to talk to Blaine about his worries. “Blaine? Maybe you should see someone about this whole comfort eating thing because I'm a little worried about you eating all this crap whenever you're upset. I mean I love you no matter what weight you are; you know that right? But I'm worried about how this might be affecting your health. Physically and mentally.”

Blaine was silent for a long time, biting his lower lip and looking sheepish at his binging habits as he looked at all the empty packets around him. It was almost as though he were ashamed of himself. After what seemed like an age to Sam, Blaine looked back up to him with his golden puppy dog eyes, nodding his head as though in agreement. “...Ok. You're right. I'll call my parents about it and see whether they'll pay for me to see someone.”

“That's my B. Always the fighter.” Kissing his boyfriend once more on his forehead, he breathed a sigh of relief when Blaine smiled widely up at him, his eyes twinkling fondly up at him.

Blaine steeled himself as he sat on one of the breakfast bar stools beside the kitchen counter, his phone in his hands. It had been three days since his conversation with Sam and they had spent most of that time finally sorting out all of their possessions. He had run out of excuses. He had to call his parents. He had promised Sam that he would do this but that didn't make the thought of calling his parents any less scary. Come on Blaine, you can do this. Your parents love you, they will help you. And he wanted help. He didn't want to feel this way any longer. He didn't want to stuff his face and then feel so guilty about it afterwards. He didn't want to try and make himself better through food. He hated that he wasn't confident and happy with himself as he should be. Before he could convince himself not to make the call he tapped the number and pressed the send button. “Hey mum. How are things?” He called out brightly, a false smile plastered onto his face.

“Good sweetheart, your father has booked us a month long cruise in Europe. I can't complain.” He chuckled alongside his mother. Now that his father was retired he and his mother seemed to go everywhere. But then they could, it wasn't as though they didn't have the money. “How are you doing my love?” She asked him in her motherly voice that immediately bought a lump to his throat.

“Um, actually I wanted to ask a favour...” He asked hesitantly, his voice course.

“What is it?” She asked with urgency. He knew that she would tell something was up just from his voice. She was his mother after all.

Sighing he thought he should get to the point. “Well Sam thinks I should see someone about my comfort eating.”

“You're comfort eating again? What has Kurt said now sweetheart?” His mother questioned him softly in her motherly fashion making tears spring into his eyes.

“He... well he just makes me feel like crap mum.”

“Oh Blaine...” His mother tutted in sympathy and he couldn't help but hiccup a sob down the phone. Sometimes he just needed his mother to give him a hug but her voice was good enough when she was not by his side. He missed her voice.

“He said that Sam doesn't love me, that he just wants sex from me and when he gets bored then he'll leave me.”

He could hear his mother’s chuckle and knew she was smiling. He knew it wasn't that she was laughing at him, but only that what he said was so silly to her. She had seemed to adore Sam when he had introduced her and wouldn't believe that they were only friends. Blaine smiled a little at his mother’s stubbornness on that matter. She had been completely right of course. But then, more often than not, she was. “Well I don't think that's true my darling. To be honest I always thought you and Sam suited each other a lot more then you and Kurt ever did.”

Although he knew that she inherently believed that he still wanted her confirmation in words. “You really think so?”

“Yes sweetie, and I agree with Sam. You find someone and your father and I will pay the bill. We love you Blaine and if Sam didn't love you he wouldn't have suggested it now, would he?”

“I know; Kurt just has a way of getting under my skin.”

“I know, he always did, for good and bad reasons.” Humming his agreement to his mother’s warning he thought back to his whole relationship with Kurt. It had, ever since the moment they had gotten together, felt one sided. Kurt had always seemed to get his way on the majority of the decisions with Blaine tagging along after him. It was as though he were always trying to catch him up and he never could. It always had to be what Kurt wanted. It had never been about him.

“Love you mum, and... thank you.” Wishing his mother were there, his heart ached. He missed her so much sometimes. He didn't think that that feeling would ever go away now that he didn't live at home any longer.

“Oh sweetheart, you're my little baby. I love you the most. Now, don't forget that both you and Sam need to come visit at some point.”

Smiling affectionately, he shook his head. “I won't mum. Bye.”

“Bye my love.” Feeling lighter after his conversation with his mother, Blaine felt truly happy for the first time in a while. He felt as though he could get through all this hurt and pain and come out the other end. With Sam by his side. Then he could move on with his life once and for all.

Sitting in the waiting room, his legs crossed as he sat nervously in the chair, Blaine waited for the therapist to call him in. His leg twitched up and down rapidly as he waited minute by minute. He just wanted to get this over with. He hated sitting here waiting for something to happen. He had always hated to wait for something to happen, he preferred to do something. His patience wasn't his best virtue. He almost sighed aloud when he saw a plump looking middle aged woman peek around her door and call out his name. He wanted to get through this so quickly that he jumped up and practically ran into the room, sitting on the chair opposite the doctor. He had already talked with her on the phone to explain his situation and after they had gone through a little small talk she delved right to the heart of his problem, for which he was eternally grateful. He was sick of small talk.

“Well Blaine, tell me about how you feel when you start feeling urges to eat.” Dr Adams asked him kindly enough. She reminded him of a kindly grandmother who always baked cookies for her doting grandchildren.

“It's mostly after I've talked to my ex. He makes me feel like I'm worth nothing and that I'm not good enough for anyone. I... I get really hurt and upset and feel really low about myself and then...” He stopped, taking a deep breath in, trying to keep himself calm. It had taken everything he had to admit that to a stranger. It was one thing for Sam to know, but another for someone he had never met before to know. He now wished he had taken Sam's offer to come with him. This was scarier and harder than he thought it would be.

“Then you start to eat? Yes, I understand. You find pleasure in the food you eat because it tastes good and so it makes you a little happier when you are eating. I take it that it's mainly sugary dessert type foods?” Blaine nodded, looking abashed as she gave him a kindly smile. “Well, what we need to do is find an alternative to eating to make you feel happier again. Something like reading a book perhaps? Or taking a long bath? When you feel the urge to eat, try doing something else that you know makes you happy. What do you like doing in your spare time Blaine?” She inquired, not expecting anything from him. She made him feel at ease and he could feel himself relaxing into his chair, his legs automatically folding till he was sitting cross legged.

This was an easy answer. There was nothing he liked better then singing. “Well, I love singing, I started to write songs a little while ago too.”

“There, that's one thing you could try. Writing can be very therapeutic. Especially if you are writing about your feelings. Music is also something that greatly increases happiness in people’s lives Blaine. If you love doing that it might be worth pursuing when you are down. Alternatively, you could go for a long walk or a jog and put music on whilst you exercise?” Her suggestions seemed perfect to him. If he could find something to distract him from his woes, to cheer him up then he wouldn't feel the constant clawing in his stomach for him to eat all the time.

“That sounds good, yeah.”

“Is there anyone you can talk to about your feelings?” Dr Adams asked and he smiled at her. That was the simplest answer of them all. His heart raced as thoughts of Sam entered his head. Sam always made him feel like he was walking on clouds. He loved him so much.

“Sam. He’s. My best friend.” His bashful smile told her all she needed to know.

“And?” She asked, her eyebrow raising along with a knowing smile.

“And my boyfriend.” Smiling, she squeezed his hand, telling him that she was comfortable with anything he told her. He knew that thought of him being gay might be uncomfortable to some people, although the reason why had always eluded him. This was who he was, why was that so wrong?

“Well, if any of the things we have talked about in today's session don't work you could try talking to Sam. Telling someone how you feel is a good release of your pent up feelings.” Blaine nodded rigorously once again. This was making a lot of sense to him. “Most of all, you need to start loving yourself as much as Sam loves you Blaine. It'll be hard, but you need to start looking in the mirror in the morning and telling yourself that you love yourself. Tell yourself why you love yourself. It may sound silly but it may work.”

Stumped, Blaine sat wringing his hands in his lap as he looked down at them. He wasn't quite sure how to go about doing that and he hadn't expected the doctor to say anything like that. Do I really not love myself? Is that why I get so down? Is that why Kurt's words cut so deeply? It must be true, I mean, she is a professional after all. “Ok... I'll try. Thank you so much.”

Smiling kindly at him again made him feel that maybe he could do it. Maybe she was right. What better time to start loving himself then right here and right now? Well, trying at the very least. “You're welcome Blaine. Any time you need to talk just make an appointment and I'll be here for you. Good luck.” He shook her hand and almost skipped out of the office. Feeling much brighter about himself he decided to go and pay Sam a visit at his work. He was determined to try everything that Dr Adams had discussed with him.

Blaine was putting the finishing touches to his dish to take over to Rachel's for dinner tonight when Sam came up to him, shoving his phone in Blaine's face. Laughing, Blaine pushed Sam's hand away and looked up at him puzzled. “Dude, I just got a text from Rachel. We've been uninvited from pot roast Monday's for like ever.” His brows raised but to be honest he wasn't all that surprised. He had deliberately made enough food for only the two of them since he knew that this was probably likely to happen. Kurt wouldn't want them there in his apartment and although he was upset that he wouldn't see his other friends, he had accepted it inside.

“Do you really want to go Sam?” He asked his blonde bombshell of a boyfriend.

“You don't? It's all our friends. Why should we have to be uh... what’s the word when people chuck you out and you're not allowed back in?” Chuckling, Blaine answered his question, patting Sam's chest with his hands.

“Exiled?”

He watched fondly as the light bulb in Sam's mind lit up and his face became animated. “Yeah exiled. Why should we be exiled from our friends just because Kurt doesn’t like the fact that we're together?”

Blaine winced. He could think of someone else other than Kurt that might not be too happy with them being there tonight. “I think you're forgetting Mercedes.”

“I don't know. I don't think this is Mercedes doing.”

“You're probably right. Well how about we have our own pot roast Monday just the two of us. We've already cooked most of the meal.” Blaine slid his arms around Sam's waist, his chin resting on his chest as he looked up into the beautiful blue eyes he loved so much.

Sam sighed glumly. “Ok...” Feeling badly for him, Blaine decided then and there that he would try and make this the most special pot roast Monday that Sam had ever had.

“You might even get an extra treat from me after.” He told the taller boy playfully. Sam's face lighting up was all that Blaine had needed.

“Awesome! I'm totally liking this idea more and more.”

“I thought you might.” Leaning up he gave Sam a deep, slow, lingering kiss and he felt Sam pull his arms from around his waist, grabbing onto his wrist, and pull him towards their bed.