Burnout (The Holland Brothers Book 1)

On Friday, Quinn talks me into getting out of the dorm and to the track to hang out with Colter and his friends. They had their final big event last weekend and are going to break for a few weeks, then do some smaller events and Supercross shows.

A few of the riders are doing tricks, others are sitting on their bikes talking in groups. Colter is sitting with me and Quinn on the tailgate of his truck. Oak has traded his dirt bike for a skateboard and is riding it in front of us while he and Colter brainstorm group tricks.

“Colter said Knox really likes his new team,” Quinn says, bumping my elbow with hers.

“That’s good.” My stomach twists at the mention of him, but I keep my emotions carefully tucked away. Not that I’m fooling anyone, least of all Quinn.

“He also said—” she starts, but I reach over and squeeze her arm when the object of our conversation steps into view.

My heart stops. God, I’ve missed him.

He’s in his uniform of jeans and a black T-shirt under his leather jacket. How many days has it been since I’ve seen him? I don’t know, but it feels like a million.

“Knox!” Colter jumps down to greet him, and other riders gather around.

He looks up from the group and meets my eyes while holding a conversation. The butterflies in my stomach swoop low.

“Did you know he was back?” Quinn asks.

“No. We haven’t talked,” I reply, forcing my gaze away from him. It stings that he’s back and didn’t even text to let me know. Almost as much as it stung that he didn’t let me know when he left Valley.

“Aren’t you going to say hello?” Quinn asks with a big smile on her face. “He keeps looking over here.”

Before I can answer, he cuffs one of the guys on the shoulder and starts in my direction.

“Oh, I think that’s my cue to get lost,” my best friend mutters before she hops down from the tailgate. She runs by Knox as she’s fleeing, waggling her fingers at him and chirping, “Hello,” as she goes.

I slide off the truck as he comes to a stop in front of me. “Hi.”

“Hey, princess.” There’s a friendly taunt to his voice that pulls on my heartstrings.

We step toward each other. I stop just short of hugging him, but then he wraps his arms around me. Leather and soap and a hint of cologne.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, a little breathless and nervous as I move away and cross my arms over my stomach.

“Colter said the guys were hanging out tonight and that you were here.”

I glance toward Quinn. She’s watching me and Knox with a hesitant smile. Her boyfriend is now on my shit list. He couldn’t give a girl a heads-up?

“I meant in Valley. I thought you were in New Mexico.”

“I was.” He nods. “I’m just home for the weekend. Flynn has his last home game tomorrow night. He’s obviously not playing, but I still didn’t want to miss seeing him take the court for the last time.”

“I’m sure it means a lot to him that you came. How’s his elbow?”

“Better. His doctors say he’s making great progress. He might be able to pitch some later in the season.”

“I’m really glad to hear that.”

“Thank you for the PT recommendation. Flynn said you made a call for him.”

“Oh, that was nothing. John did some of my therapy on my knee.”

“He really appreciated it, and so do I.”

“You’re welcome.” A beat of uncomfortable silence passes between us and the noise around us infiltrates our bubble. I motion toward the track, where one of the riders is doing a trick I watched Knox practice not that long ago. “Missing all this yet?”

“I actually do miss it,” he says. “And you.”

My lungs struggle to pull in air. His words are a relief and yet still make me ache. I push past the discomfort and smile. This is Knox. However things were left between us, I don’t ever want us to not be able to be friends. Or at least friendly. “Yeah, I miss you too, but I hear you’re really liking the new team.”

“I am, yeah.” He nods again.

We’re joined by Brooklyn and another rider who was out on the track when Knox walked up. They say hello and immediately pepper him with questions. Pretty soon nearly everyone has crowded around him.

Quinn falls in beside me and takes my hand, squeezing it lightly. She whispers, “You good?”

“Yeah,” I reply.

For the next couple of hours, Knox is constantly flanked by someone wanting to talk to him. I hang with Quinn until around eleven when most everyone has stopped riding and instead, they’re sitting around and cracking open beers.

“I think I’m going to go,” I tell her.

“No. Already?” she asks as she hugs me.

“Yeah. I need to be up early.” I give her my best nonchalant smile that she absolutely interprets as, yes, I am running away from Knox because I’m in love with him.

“Text me when you get back so I know you made it.”

“I will.” I wave at Colter. No one else really notices my departure. They’re all friendly, but I’m still very much Colter’s girlfriend’s friend to most of them. Knox is talking with Brooklyn and has his back to me. I debate whether or not I should say goodbye, but ultimately decide it’s better than slinking away. I really do want us to be able to be around each other and talk without it being weird. Today isn’t that day, but maybe eventually.

“Hey,” I say when I step into his line of vision.

Brooklyn offers me a polite smile, then ducks away with an excuse of needing to grab another drink.

“Hey.” Knox’s smile is bigger than it was earlier. It’s almost hopeful as he angles his body toward me.

“I’m getting ready to head out, but I wanted to say bye.”

His smile dims. “You’re leaving?”

“Yeah. It was nice to see you though. I’m really glad things are going well. I’ll see you around.” I step away quickly. I can feel the tears building and I do not want to cry here.

“Wait.” He hurries to step in front of me. “Where are you heading?”

“Home.”

“Do you maybe want some company?” His mouth falls into a crooked smile. “I barely got to talk to you. I thought about you nonstop since I’ve been gone.”

My heart skips and races. “I have an early morning. We have a competition Sunday so practice in the morning to run through routines.”

“Right. Is it in Valley?”

“Yeah. It’s our home opener.” It’s on the tip of my tongue to invite him, but I know he has to go back to New Mexico.

“What about tomorrow afternoon? Are you free after practice?”

It would be so easy to say yes and to let us fall back into the way things were, but then he’s going to leave, and it’ll break my heart all over again.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” I tell him, glancing down. “I missed you too and, of course, I want to hang out, but then what?”

“I don’t know,” he admits. “I don’t have it all figured out, but I know that I want to see you when I can. I’ll be back most weekends. Things don’t have to change.”

His hand reaches out and he hooks his pinky finger with mine.

“That’s the thing, though. I don’t want to just keep hanging out when our schedules align. I mean, I do want that, but it’s not all I want. I want more. I want you all the time, even when we’re not together.”

“You think you do, but then what happens if you get bored with having a boyfriend that’s only around every other weekend? It’s a lot of pressure on both of us. What we have is good. Why mess with it?”

I suck in a deep breath and stare into his beautiful hazel eyes. “Because I’m in love with you, Knox.”

The panic on his face is immediate. Is he really that surprised?

“I—” he starts and then stops. His jaw tightens and his throat works with a swallow.

“You don’t have to say anything. I know you don’t feel the same or want a relationship. One of the things I admire most about you is how honest you’ve always been with me. But if I’m being honest, I can’t keep hooking up with you, pretending like it’s what I want. I know I said that I didn’t want a relationship, and I meant it at the time. But somewhere along the line I fell hard for you anyway.”

“Avery.” His voice cracks on my name.

“It’s okay,” I say, letting him off the hook. Knowing he doesn’t feel the same is one thing but hearing it would break my heart. “I have to go.”

I take a step and then pause to look at him. His brow is furrowed, and he looks…lost.

“It really was good to see you. Good luck in New Mexico.”