Burnout (The Holland Brothers Book 1)

“Flynn.” I knock on his bedroom door as I call his name.

“He hasn’t come out since we got home from class an hour ago,” Brogan says from the couch where he and Archer appear to be giving the video games a rest and are actually doing homework.

“He hasn’t come out all day,” I say, dropping onto a chair in the living room. I know because I’ve been trying to coax him out since breakfast.

“On the bright side, not a lot of trouble he can get into in there,” Brogan says.

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I pull it out and press ignore on the incoming call. Archer is watching me as I turn the screen upside down and set it on my leg.

“When are you leaving for New Mexico?” he asks.

“I’m not sure.”

He and Brogan share a look, but it’s interrupted by Hendrick coming in through the garage.

He sees the three of us and then immediately glances toward Flynn’s room. “How is he?”

“Same,” we say in unison.

Hendrick turns his attention to me. “I thought the truck would be loaded. What time are you leaving?”

I shrug. “I told them I needed more time.”

I’d called the day after Flynn’s injury to let my new team know I couldn’t be there until Friday. That was five days ago.

I really did intend to leave, but while Flynn’s elbow will eventually recover, his spirits are low. He still doesn’t have any answers on the future, and while the rest of his team is continuing their season—one even signed a letter of intent to play basketball at one of Flynn’s top schools—my brother is brooding in his room.

Burt’s called twice today to check in, but I don’t know what to tell him yet so I’m ignoring him until I do. Nothing else matters.

“We’ve got it handled here,” Hendrick says, hands on his hips. “I’ve got the bar covered. I can stay home with Flynn and take him to his appointments.”

“I’m not leaving. It’ll be fine. I can continue practicing here and meet the team in a month or two.”

Though I haven’t been to the track in almost a week, it’s true that I could get back in my routine here.

“Knox.” It’s Archer’s voice that speaks up. “You have to go. Hen’s right. We’ve got things covered here.”

I shake my head, but I’m not sure what to say to make them understand. “I appreciate it, but it makes sense that it’s me. It’s always made sense for it to be me.”

Archer’s brow furrows. “Why does it make sense for it to be you?”

“Hendrick has the bar and Jane, you two have football and classes. Flynn and racing are all I have.” The truth of those words scrapes up my throat. A quick vision of Avery flashes in my mind, but I’m not sure I have her anymore. We’ve barely spoken since Flynn’s accident. That’s my fault and I know it, but the weight of my responsibility has reminded me why I’ve never gotten this involved before.

“And you’ll still have both of those, but you are risking a lot by staying here,” Arch says, and the others chime in to agree.

“I don’t care.”

Usually Arch backs down pretty easily, but not this time. “I know you’d do anything for Flynn. You’ve proven that more times than I can count. We all should have helped out more before and we didn’t, but we can now. You just have to let us.”

“I don’t care about any of that,” I say truthfully. “I don’t resent it or you guys. But I can’t just flake on him now. Not when he really needs me.”

“You’re not flaking on him.” Hendrick’s face drops and a large pit forms in my stomach. “You think leaving him makes you like Dad.”

My ears ring with those fears being spoken aloud. It sounds dumb. Maybe it is. But Flynn should have someone who always shows up for him, even if it isn’t his dad.

“You dropped out of school, got a job, paid the bills, learned how to cook and how to do the fucking laundry. You took Flynn to and from school, bought him clothes, and so many other things I probably don’t even know about. You made sure he had everything he needs…” My oldest brother’s voice trails off.

“So?”

“You aren’t him. You could never be him.”

Not today, but how many times does it take to flake on someone before they stop looking for you?

I open my mouth to protest, but Flynn’s voice cuts through the room. “He’s right.”

I stand and face him. His reddish-brown hair is a mess on his head, and I don’t think he’s changed clothes in several days. The sling on his right arm holds it close to his body. Over the last year he’s started to fill out and he’s this odd combination of man and boy. I’m relieved in some ways that he’s going to graduate and become an adult, but in other ways I’m sad and more anxious about him making all his own decisions and not needing me anymore.

“You’ve done so much for me and I will always be grateful, but hanging around here isn’t going to fix my elbow. I’ve held you back for so long. Please don’t let me be the reason you lose another team.”

“Your elbow will be fine,” I tell him because I can see that flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. “And I want to be here for you. It’s not a burden. You’re not a burden.”

He shuffles his feet and won’t quite meet my gaze, so I step forward and duck my head so he can’t avoid me. “Do you hear me? You are not a fucking burden.”

“But you would have left Valley years ago if it weren’t for me.” There’s a hint of a teenage whine in his voice.

“Maybe I would have, but you’re my family. I’d do anything for you.”

“Then do this for me,” Flynn says, voice small. “I can’t stand the thought of you missing this opportunity. You were born to do this. No one deserves it more.”

I hear him. I hear all of them, but I’m still uneasy about leaving.

“It’s what we all want,” Archer says. He walks over to our youngest brother and places an arm around his neck gingerly, avoiding jostling his hurt arm. “We’ll send hourly updates on Flynn if that’s what you want.”

Brogan rubs his hands together. “I love it when the group chat is popping off. New group name: Baby Holland Updates.”

Hendrick laughs and shakes his head. The tension in the room dissipates with the sound.

They’re all looking at me expectantly. An anxious and excited energy works its way under my skin.

“You’re sure?” I ask them. “I can put off going another week, maybe two, or I can see about bringing my training to Valley full-time.” Other guys have done it. I could hire the help I need with my training and check in virtually with my team. Assuming they’ll sign off on it. It means not getting as much face time with my coaches and teammates, but I could manage.

“Positive,” Hendrick says.

Archer and Brogan nod. I look back to Flynn.

“Positive,” he echoes.

“If something comes up or you change your mind. If you need anything⁠—”

“We will text you,” Archer cuts me off.

“Holland Brothers Emergency Hotline.” Brogan throws out another group text name idea with a smile.

“We’ve got you. Go and kick some ass.” Hendrick closes the distance between us and hugs me.

Brogan joins in a second later. “Holland Brothers Hugs & Kisses.”

I hear Archer snort a laugh as he comes on my other side.

“If you kiss me, I’m going to kick you in the balls,” Hendrick mutters to him.

And then Flynn quietly wraps his good arm around my back.

I get to New Mexico Tuesday afternoon. I spent the entirety of the five-hour drive wondering if I’m making the right choice and was half-tempted to turn around. The only thing stopping me was Flynn’s voice in my head telling me I was born to do this. I hope he’s right.

There’s lots of time to make up for and my new team doesn’t miss a beat. Days blur together with practices and making adjustments to my bike. Burt has put together a great group. We mesh and see eye-to-eye on so many things. It gives me a lot of hope for the season.

At night when I finally have a chance to sit still for a moment, I call Flynn and check in on everything in Valley.

“Sitting on the bench is so frustrating,” he says late Friday night. My eyes burn with exhaustion. “I just want to be out there. We lost by two points. Two!”

The season is coming to an end and he’s not going to be back in time to help his team. I know how tough that is. “Baseball will be starting soon though.”

“Yeah.” He bobs his head. “How’s it going there?”

“Good,” I answer quickly, then add, “Tiring.”

“It’s week one. Better suck it up.” My baby brother grins at me.

I laugh quietly and run a hand through my matted hair. “Yeah. No doubt. I need a shower and sleep.”

“What time is it there?”

“Same time that it is in Valley.”

His brows lift. “It’s early.”

“Not when you’ve been awake since five.”

“I’ll let you go, old man. I’m going to meet up with some friends to celebrate Charlene. She got accepted into Stanford.”

“Is Hendrick driving you?”

“No, they’re swinging by to pick me up.” He’s already moving around his room like he’s getting ready.

“Have fun. Be careful. I’ll call tomorrow.”

As soon as we hang up, I scroll through my missed texts. The group chat, currently titled Brogan STOP changing the group name, has several new messages.

Archer

Major Flynn update: he showered!

Brogan

I think I caught a whiff of cologne too.

Hendrick

A whiff? I can smell it all the way out in the garage.

I smile as I type out a reply.

Me

Tell ’em to F off, little bro.

Flynn

You’re all just mad because you’re old.

Brogan

Oh snap. No he didn’t call me old.

I have other texts. Colter and Oak, even Brooklyn. They’re in Texas this weekend and it feels weird not to be with them. I doubt I’m going to have a chance to keep up with practicing freestyle with my current schedule.

After I’ve sent a few replies, my eye is drawn to Avery’s contact. She was there for me when I needed her, and it meant more than I could ever say. I’m not great at accepting help, but just knowing she was willing made my load lighter.

I’ve thought about texting her more times than I can count.

I left without saying goodbye and that has weighed on me. It just felt too final.

I wish things were different and that it was possible to be in two places at once. Of course, I want to keep seeing her, but she deserves more than scraps of my time and energy. She thinks that she’d be good with it, but I know how much it hurts to be the person left behind. She might be able to live with it for a while, but eventually she’d be let down.

And in the meantime, I’d hate myself for not protecting her from that. But maybe we can still hang out when I’m in Valley. I plan to go back most weekends until the season starts. If everything works out, we can see each other then. It’ll be just like before.

At the thought, a little spark of anticipation spreads through me.

I’ll be home next weekend. I’ll check in with my brothers and then I’ll text her and see if she’s free.

I lie back on my bed, feeling instantly calmer with a plan. I just have to survive without seeing her for seven more days.