Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I stare at my screen, my mind replaying the expression on Silas’s face when he moaned the name Ray while deep inside me. I grit my teeth as pain tears through my heart, leaving me feeling empty.

If that had been the first time I’d heard him say that name, I’d have believed his lies. I would have believed that it’s a nickname he gave me, and I’d be none the wiser.

Silas has no idea that he sometimes whispers Ray in his sleep. I’ve never said a word about it, part of me scared of being confronted with a love so great that it haunts his dreams. The way he’s always said her name made it clear he loves her. Who is she? It isn’t Raven, of that I’m sure. I’ve seen the two of them together, and though there’s affection between them, it isn’t love.

I bite down on my lip as I lean back in my seat. Ray of sunshine, he said. I tap my foot anxiously, the pieces slowly falling into place. Project Sunshine. It’s the firm’s most highly encrypted case file, and it appears to be the oldest one in the system. I glance over at Jessica, reluctant to ask her anything, yet unable to push aside my curiosity.

Our friendship is definitely over, but she hasn’t completely shut me out. She seems hurt and angry, but she doesn’t ignore me like many others do. “Jessica,” I murmur, my heart racing.

She looks up and raises her brows in question.

I hesitate and tap my pen on my desk, unsure whether I truly want to know or not. “Do you know what Project Sunshine is about?”

She tenses and glances around furtively before shaking her head. “Not many people know what it’s about, but it’s the first project the ψ division ever had, and it’s still ongoing, though not many people have clearance to access the files. I told you that there’s a rumor going around that the boss started this company because of a woman, right? I think Project Sunshine is about her. I’m not sure what that’s all about, but the general consensus is that it might be a murder case that’s remained unsolved.”

Her eyes widen as though she’s suddenly remembering my relationship with Silas, and she looks down. “But who knows, right? People always like to speculate. It probably isn’t about a woman at all, and if it is, it’s in the past.”

I nod at her and force my lips into a smile. If it truly was in the past, I wouldn’t be so anxious. I’m desperate to remember my past, so I can’t fault Silas for having one of his own. I’m just worried that Ray isn’t in the past. If he truly lost her, there’s every chance he’ll never get over her. She’ll always be the one who got away, the one he’ll compare everyone else to. I can’t compete with the ghost of a woman, one crafted from only the very best memories of them together.

I glance at Silas’s closed office door and clench my jaw. I need to know. I have to find out who she is and what their story is.

I inhale deeply as I start to type, trying my hardest to gain access to the file in every way I can think of, but at each turn, my attempts are blocked and access is denied. I bite down on my lip harshly as I try to circumvent Sinclair Security’s encryption software, but it’s all to no avail. I should’ve known it would be impossible. This system was designed by Aria and Grayson Callahan, after all. There won’t be any flaws in it that I can exploit. The couple is well-known for the security software they develop, and Sinclair Security works with them almost exclusively to create the encryption systems our firm uses. I won’t get anywhere.

“Alanna?”

I jump and close the windows I’ve got open, my heart aching as I turn toward Silas. I slept in the guest room last night, but when I woke up, he was lying next to me. I’m thankful that he didn’t try to make any further excuses, but the continuous guilt in his eyes is just further evidence of his lies, and it kills me. It breaks my heart to think of everything we’ve gone through, and for what?

Silas stares at me from the doorway to his office, an unreadable expression on his face. I’m worried he was notified of my attempts to breach the system. This could be a fireable offence, but I’m certain I hid my tracks as best as I could.

“Can you come here for a minute? There’s something I need to discuss with you.”

I nod and rise to my feet slowly, my heart pounding wildly. With the way he loves her, there’s no way he’ll forgive me for looking into her. I have a lot of faith in my relationship with Silas, but not when it comes to Ray.

I follow Silas into his office, barely able to contain my nerves. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never loved someone so much that my fear of losing him outweighs the pain of knowing I’m not the woman he truly loves.

Silas turns toward me the moment the door closes behind me, his gaze tender as he cups my cheek. “What were you doing, trying to access restricted files?”

My eyes widen, and I try my hardest to formulate an excuse, but I can’t. I can’t look him in the eye and lie to him. “Project Sunshine,” I tell him. “It’s about Ray, isn’t it? Ray of sunshine.”

“Alanna,” he murmurs. “I already told you that Ray is just a nickname for you. There’s no one else. There’s nothing you need to worry about.”

I place my hand over his, my heart breaking. “I know you’re lying to me,” I whisper. “You’ve been whispering the name Ray in your sleep for months now. Ryan told me about her long before yesterday. Who is she, Silas?”

His eyes fall closed, and he inhales shakily. “Alanna,” he whispers. “Please.”

I clutch his suit jacket, desperation clawing at me. “Who is she?” I ask again.

“You,” he murmurs. “It’s you.”

Tears gather in my eyes, and I try my hardest to blink them away. “How can you look at me and lie to me with such conviction? Maybe you’re just like your brother, after all.”

Silas grabs my shoulders and shakes his head. “Oh baby,” he whispers. “I don’t know how to make you understand, but I swear to you, there’s no other woman. There really isn’t. You’re the one for me, my one and only. You always have been.”

I look away and swallow down my grief. “So you won’t tell me then?”

Silas looks pained, his expression torn. “There’s nothing to tell. There’s no one else.”

“Then give me access to Project Sunshine.”

He buries his hands in my hair, his eyes shimmering with a combination of remorse and desperation. “I can’t do that. It’s a confidential file, and I can’t give you access based on our personal relationship. I have to keep work strictly professional.”

“That’s an easy excuse for you, isn’t it?”

He drops his forehead to mine and inhales shakily. “I know what you’re thinking, my love, but please trust me. Trust in us. Can you do that for me?”

I pull away to look at him, unsure what to say. What would happen if one day she walks back into his life? He’s asking me for his trust, but can I truly trust him to choose me if it comes down to it? “It’s fine if you won’t tell me who she is, Silas,” I end up saying. “I won’t pry into your past any further, but I need you to leave her there. I don’t want her name on your lips, not even in your sleep. Not ever.”

The way he smiles at me can only be described as bittersweet. He’s right. Everything between us is bittersweet. “Okay,” he whispers. “I promise, Alanna.”

My shoulders slump in relief, and I nod at him. “I’m going to make you forget all about her, Si. I don’t care who she is or what she meant to you. She’s your past, but I am your future, you hear me?”

He smiles at me, and the hint of amusement I see in his eyes makes me wonder if he isn’t taking my words seriously, but then he nods, his expression sincere. “You are my future, Alanna.”

I’ll let Ray have his past, so long as everything else is mine.