Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I walk out of the office and inhale deeply, my face tipped up toward the cloudy sky. My mind has been a mess lately. Now, more than ever, I wish I knew more about who I am, and what I left behind. I feel incomplete, and the few memories I did create all turned out to be fake, orchestrated by someone wanting to improve his image.

I so badly want to believe that Silas means what he says, and that he truly wants to be with me, but how can I? How do I believe him when the only other person that supposedly loved me used and deceived me? It’s one thing for Silas to flirt with me and to want my body. That’s something I understand and it’s something I can believe. Him genuinely having feelings for me? That I cannot believe. I don’t want to make the same mistake I made with Ryan. It’d be so much worse with Silas, and not just because of who he is. I don’t think I could survive Silas breaking my heart.

“Alanna!”

I tense and inhale deeply as I turn to face Ryan. He’s the last person I want to see right now. “What are you doing here?”

He grins as he holds up an umbrella. “I saw you leaving and wanted to give you an umbrella in case it rains. Or better yet, will you let me drive you home?”

I freeze instinctively. Ryan has no idea that I live with Silas, and he can’t find out. It isn’t just because I’m worried about hurting him, or because I can’t face the shame my actions have filled me with. It’s also because I don’t trust him to keep it to himself. Ryan has always been competitive. If he finds out that I live with Silas, he’ll only pursue me harder, purely because he won’t want Silas to have me. He said it himself, after all.

“You can walk me to the bus stop,” I tell him, knowing he won’t give up unless I give in. I used to find it charming, but everything I used to love about him is now tainted with suspicion and disgust. It isn’t because he’s trying to be chivalrous, it’s because he wants to get his way.

“You said we could be friends, but you keep avoiding me,” he says as he falls into step with me.

“Yes, Ryan. I am. We both know you’re capitalizing on my preference for avoiding conflict instead of giving me the space I need.”

He nods, looking contrite, but that’s probably all an act, too. If he truly felt any remorse for his actions, he’d just leave me alone.

“I’m worried that giving you too much space will result in me losing you forever. Besides, I’m not asking you out on a date. I’m just accompanying you to the bus stop. I just want a few moments of your time. You told me you feel like you don’t even know me, and all I want is to show you who I really am. I want to show you that the time we shared was real. I might have approached you for the wrong reasons, but I stayed because I fell for you. Maybe I’m being insensitive by ignoring your need for space, but I can’t take the risk of losing you completely.”

I pause and turn to face him, a slight drizzle coating my skin as Ryan opens the umbrella and holds it over us. Does he stand to gain anything by doing this?

“Alanna, if all I’ll ever have for the rest of our lives is your friendship, then I’ll take that. I need you in my life in some shape or form. I just want to show you that I’m sorry for the way I hurt you and if you’ll let me, I want to be part of your life.”

I nod, more confused than ever. I don’t think he’s lying, and when he’s standing here in front of me, all I’m reminded of are the good memories, the times we laughed together, the way he treated me.

Ryan leans in and cups my cheek, hurt and longing filling his eyes. “Do you remember our first date? We went back to the beach we met at. It was only meant to be a stroll, but we ended up watching the sunset together with a cheap bottle of wine from the supermarket. We spent hours chatting about our goals in life. The sun set, and the air cooled, so I wrapped my arm around you to keep you warm, and you smiled at me. That’s when I fell in love with you. I didn’t even realize it at the time, but I did. I’ve been yours from that moment onwards. I told myself that it was all a game, but you and I both know that it wasn’t. Those feelings couldn’t have been faked.”

My eyes fill with tears and I look away, blinking rapidly as I continue to walk to the bus stop. That time at the beach was the first time I felt a real connection like that. Until that point, I’d been living my life trying to learn about my past, and in that moment, I decided to focus on the future instead.

“We’re here.”

He nods and takes my hand, wrapping it around the umbrella’s handle, his hand on top of mine. “Take this.”

I nod, my heart aching from the wounds he reopened.

“Does it upset you to see me? Do you truly want me to stay away, Alanna? Does our past really mean nothing to you anymore?”

I glance back at him as the bus stops in front of me and I collapse the umbrella. “I don’t know, Ryan. I really don’t know.”

He nods and takes a step back. “So long as it isn’t a no, there’s hope.”

I turn away from him and step into the bus. It true that I’m not sure about my feelings, because it really is hard to walk away from what we had, but I’m not sure I should be giving him any hope at all when there’s no way we could ever get back together. Not only did I sleep with his older brother, I’m living with him too. There’s too much standing between us now, and it isn’t just his lies and deception. It’s my treacherous heart, too. When my thoughts drift, it isn’t Ryan they turn to.

I’m absentminded the entire way home and barely even notice Silas standing in the hallway. “Where did you get that umbrella?” he asks, his voice strained.

I look up in surprise and glance back at the umbrella, guilt washing over me. “I… um.”

“Ryan gave it to you?”

I nod and take a second look at the umbrella. I didn’t realize it initially, but the Sinclair crest is on the handle.

“You were just with him.”

I nod again, struggling to face Silas. “He walked me to the bus stop.”

Silas leans back against the wall, his eyes roaming over my face. He’s so close, yet he feels so far away. There’s something in his eyes that makes my heart ache. It’s a sense of loss, a hopeless desperation.

“Come with me.” He grabs my hand and walks me back to the passenger elevator in the hallway. He entwines our fingers as we go down to the car park, his grip tight.

“Where are you taking me?”

He pulls me out of the elevator and points to a row of cars. “Pick any of these cars,” he tells me. “Drive any of them. I don’t give a shit if you completely damage every single one of them, but I don’t want you taking the bus anymore.”

“Silas, I… I can’t do that. Are you crazy?”

“Yes,” he deadpans. “I am crazy, and you’re going to do as you’re told.”

He walks me to a locker on the wall and holds my finger up against it, unlocking it. “It’s got the same biometrics programmed to it as the elevator. It holds all of our car keys, so just pick one and drive it. When you’re done with it, you put it back here. From now on, I want you to drive to work, park in my designated parking area, and then use my private elevator to go straight up.”

“Is this… this isn’t about Ryan, is it?”

He nods. “Partially. For one, I don’t want you taking the bus late at night, and I don’t like the idea of you walking from the bus stop, but yeah. I’ll admit, I also want to cut off Ryan’s access to you. It’s my fault for not giving you access to my cars sooner. I’ve been so caught up in work that I forgot to ensure you knew you can use anything I own, but you can, baby. Everything that’s mine is yours.”

I stare at him, trying to figure him out. “What’s that covered car in the back?” I ask, curious. All of his cars are low sports cars, but there’s something hidden in the back that looks like a truck.

“That…” he murmurs. “It’s just an old car. Don’t worry about that one and use any of the others.”

I nod, knowing he won’t let this go until I agree. Silas Sinclair… I can’t figure him out. Is he leading me on like his brother did, or is this something else? I’m starting to want things that scare me, things I’ve never wanted with anyone else, not even Ryan. I know being with him would result in certain doom, but I don’t think I can resist much longer.