Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

My eyes roam over the carnage in the living room, sofa pillows strewn everywhere. What the fuck happened? Why the fuck is everything such a mess?

I freeze when I hear the sound of sniffling and follow it to find Alanna on her knees, rooting through what appears to be her upturned bag.

I kneel down beside her and grab her shoulders. Her eyes are red from the endless tears she’s cried, and her pain hits me straight in the chest. “What happened, my love?”

Her breathing is choppy, and she keeps choking on her sobs. “I-I… I lost it,” she cries. “I lost my… my h-handkerchief.”

The handkerchief my mother gave me? “The one with the Ψ symbol on it?”

She nods and bursts into tears all over again, loud heartbreaking sobs tearing through her throat. I pull her against me and wrap my arms around her, hugging her tightly. “Baby, it’s just a handkerchief. It isn’t worth your tears. I’ll buy you a hundred of them. I’ll get it replicated for you.”

She pushes me away, pain and anger flashing through her eyes. “This isn’t something you can throw money at, Silas. There’s only one of it.” Alanna sniffs, her anger overtaking her pain. “Someone like you would never understand how much it means to me.”

I bite back a smile, which only infuriates her further. She has no idea that the handkerchief she’s crying such bitter tears over is one of the last things my mother left me.

I cup her cheeks tenderly and wipe her tears away with my thumbs. “I’m sorry, baby. Let me help you look for it, okay? Where did you last see it?”

“I w-was playing with it in the living room last night, and now it’s gone.”

I nod as my eyes roam over the pillows and the deconstructed sofa. How did she even take that apart? “That explains the state of our living room.”

She pauses for a moment, her eyes widening a fraction before she shakes her head and continues to look around. I join her in her search, my emotions in turmoil all over again. Each time I wonder if I’m wasting my time trying to win her over, she proves to me that a part of her still loves me too. Her only connection to that handkerchief is me.

I pat down the sofa cushions and smirk when I see her handkerchief poking through the zipper of one of them. “Baby,” I murmur, leaning back against sofa’s base. “Look at this.”

She crawls toward me and leans over my lap as she grabs the handkerchief. “You found it! I’ve been looking for it for over an hour, how did you find it so easily!”

Alanna presses it to her chest and smiles so widely that my heart skips a beat or two. I’m pretty sure I straight up forget how to breathe for a moment.

She turns toward me and throws herself at me, her arms wrapping around me, the two of us entwined on the floor. I hug her tightly as she squeezes me, a relieved exhale escaping her lips. “Thank you, Silas! Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Her lips brush over my neck, sending a shiver down my spine, and I hold her closer, my hand wrapping into her hair. “Why does that little thing matter to you so much?”

She pulls back to look at me, but I don’t let go of her. It’s been so long since I’ve had her so close.

“I don’t know,” she whispers, her face a mere few inches from mine. “I just know that it’s important to me. Every time I see that embroidered Ψ symbol, my heart feels at ease. This handkerchief is the reason I wanted to join the Ψ division at Sinclair Security. I’ve always felt that Ψ means something to me, that it’s an important clue about my past, but I just can’t figure it out.”

I look into her eyes, wanting to tell her everything. If I do, would she be mine the way she once was? Or would I be tying her to me with the knowledge I have about her? Would I do more harm than good?

“Every time I see the Ψ symbol, everything in my crazy mind feels calm for a moment. I might not know who I am or what happened to me, but when I see that symbol, I feel a sense of belonging. It’s crazy, and I can’t explain it, but it’s just really precious to me.”

I cup her cheek and brush my thumb over her lips. “Is that why you had it tattooed on your rib?” She had the Ψ symbol tattooed onto her rib in the exact same spot I once drew it with a sharpie. Some part of her clearly still remembers me, so what is blocking her memories of me?

She nods, her cheeks turning rosy. “One night, when I felt particularly lonely, I decided to get it done. I may not know why or how, but I know Ψ belongs to me somehow. It’s something I care about. Maybe it’s a project, or the name of a pet. I’m not sure. I just know I feel a deep sense of love and longing whenever I see it.”

I move my face closer to hers, tempted to kiss her. I’ve been struggling with the crazy situation we found ourselves in, wondering what’s best for her, and whether I’m being selfish by forcing her to stay with me, by keeping her from my brother. Just as I’d started to regret my actions, she’s proven to me that it’s all worth it.

“So now I don’t just have to compete with the man you dream of, but also with this little Ψ symbol?”

She smiles and looks away. “You don’t consider Ryan competition?”

“Should I?”

Her smile melts away, and she looks back at me with uncertainty shimmering in her eyes. “You really aren’t joking, are you?”

I shake my head. “I’ve never wanted anything more than I want you.”

“But I’m your brother’s ex-girlfriend.”

“No,” I whisper, leaning in a little further, until my lips are brushing over hers. “You’re so much more than that.”

I smile, relieved that she hasn’t pulled away from me, and then I kiss her. Alanna tenses for a moment, but then she kisses me back, her body moving against mine as I deepen our kiss. I pull her fully onto my lap, wanting more of her, and the way she moves against me tells me she feels the same insatiable need.

My hands roam over her body, and I grab a handful of her ass, a moan escaping my lips as she grinds against me. Just as I’m about to turn us over so I’ve got her pinned down underneath me, Alanna pushes away from me, her cheeks flushed and her eyes wide.

“Oh God,” she whispers, scrambling to her feet as realization sinks in. I lean back against the sofa and wrap one ankle over the other as I watch her disappear in the direction of her bedroom, a satisfied smile on my face.

I never should’ve worried about Ryan. She might not understand why, but it’s me she wants. I just need to make her accept that.