Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I smile to myself as I think back to the way Silas and I spent hours chatting in the sun, never running out of things to talk about. It was the perfect date, and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. I keep trying to remind myself that I shouldn’t fall for Silas, that he’s my boss and my ex’s older brother… but it’s a losing battle.

“Monitoring these computers is tedious as hell,” Josh complains, and I snap out of my daydreams as I look back at my screen.

When we were first assigned this project, I thought it’d be far more exciting than it is. I feel like a cop on a stakeout, just waiting for something interesting to happen. We’re assessing our algorithm to see what it’s flagging, and more importantly, what it’s missing, but it’s a really boring and lengthy process.

“Alanna?”

I freeze at the sound of Ryan’s voice. He’s been calling and texting me non-stop, and even though I said I’d give him a chance to be friends again, I’ve been avoiding him. Every time I want to reply to one of his messages, I’m reminded of the way Silas looked at me when he told me to stay away from Ryan. His words were harsh, but there was something in his eyes that had my heart aching.

“Ryan,” I mutter, forcing a smile to my face.

“Are you free for lunch?” he asks hesitantly.

I glance at Josh nervously, scared he’s going to accuse me of nepotism again, but much to my surprise, he simply nods. “You might as well go. I haven’t seen you take a lunch break in weeks. You can’t always eat at your desk. Bring me back something, though.”

I nod, unsure if I’m grateful or not. I don’t really want to go with Ryan, and part of me was hoping that Josh would provide me with an excuse.

I sigh as I grab my handbag and follow Ryan out. “Where are we going?” I ask, oddly nervous. I only told him that we could try to be friends again to alleviate the guilt I feel, but I’m worried about Silas. I’m worried he’ll be hurt or angry if he hears about this. I shouldn’t care at all, but I can’t help myself.

Ryan reaches for my hand, and I pull away, moving my free hand to the straps of my handbag instead. His smile drops for a second, but he shakes it off quickly. “There’s a nice little sandwich shop one block away. I think you’ll really like it. They do some cool latte art.”

Damn it. I’m a sucker for latte art, and he knows it. “Sounds good,” I mutter.

He glances at me as though he’s trying to find the right words to say to me, the tension between us awkward for both of us. I shouldn’t have agreed to come with him at all, but I wasn’t sure how to decline without making a scene. My colleagues already gossip enough about me as it is.

By the time we sit down, I’m anxious. Ryan might have fucked up, but I slept with his brother in retaliation. I’m terrified of him finding out, and shame uncurls in my stomach, making me feel sick. I feel guilty toward Ryan, and I’m worried about hurting Silas. No matter what I do, I’ll be in the wrong.

“I’m sorry, Alanna,” he says the moment our order is placed. “You said we could try to be friends again, but we can’t do that with so much left unsaid between us. I can’t undo the pain my words caused, but I can tell you I didn’t mean what I said. I was drunk, and I was trying to look cool in front of my friends. It’s fucking lame, and I know it. It’s no excuse.”

I look into his eyes, trying to determine whether the anguish in them is genuine or not. “Did you approach me because you thought I’d help you improve your image in your family’s eyes?”

He closes his eyes and nods. “I did, but if that’s the only reason I dated you, why would I have stuck around for so long? I only did that because I fell in love with you. By the time I said those stupid words, my brother had already given me everything I’d asked him for. He’d given me the cars I wanted and access to pretty much unlimited funds. There was no reason for me to keep you around, but I did. I admit that I’m a complete asshole who set out to use you, but I never even considered treating you badly, and every moment I’ve shared with you is precious to me. I know that it’s hard to believe, but surely you felt it too? When we were together, there was nothing fake about it. What we had was real, and now that I’ve lost you, I feel it all the more. I’m not myself without you, Alanna. Being with you changed me for the better, and I can’t see a life without you anymore.”

My heart aches over everything we’ve lost, everything I thought we had. “I don’t believe you,” I whisper. “And I don’t trust you.”

“I know,” he murmurs. “I’m not asking you to forgive me, because it’s clear that I’ve really hurt you. I always knew I couldn’t outrun the truth, and I’m willing to accept the consequences. If I have to start back at square one, I will. Just please don’t ask me to give up on you entirely, because I can’t do that.”

The waitress smiles at me as she places our order on the table, and I welcome the interruption. I don’t know what to say to him. I didn’t expect him to be so honest and apologetic. I thought he’d make excuses and weave more elaborate lies. Instead, he’s owning up to everything he’s done.

I place my fork down halfway through our meal and shake my head. “You set out to use me, Ryan. You aren’t the person I thought you were. It’s terrifying to me that we spent so much time together, yet I don’t even really know you. I only know the person you pretended to be. Can’t you see how crazy that is?”

He nods. “That’s exactly why I’m asking you to give me a chance. I’m in love with you, Alanna. It’s the kind of love I can’t forget about and it isn’t something I can walk away from. Let’s get to know each other all over again. Please?”

I shake my head, confused by my own feelings. Ryan is the only person I’ve ever opened up to. He’s the only one I’ve ever loved as far as I remember, the only one I share memories with. He’s my first kiss, my first date, my first love. Part of me wants to be friends with him purely so I can prove to myself that I wasn’t a complete idiot for putting my trust in him, that at least some of what we shared was real.

“I’m not sure,” I whisper.

“I just want to be your friend, Alanna. Let me buy you a coffee every once in a while. For now, that’s all I’ll ask of you. I know I don’t deserve it, but please don’t cut me out of your life. I’ve been miserable without you.”

“Just a coffee every once in a while?”

He nods, his expression earnest.

“Fine,” I say against better judgement, in part because of the guilt I feel. He might have used me, but if he were to find out what I did to him in return… I’m not sure which of us is worse.

Ryan places his hand over mine and squeezes, a grateful smile on his face. “Thank you,” he murmurs.

I pull away and grab my bag. “I need to get back to work.”

Ryan jumps up and nods. “Let me walk you back. I’d better get back to work too, or Silas might actually kill me. You probably know how awful of a boss he is.”

Just hearing him say Silas’s name has a fresh wave of shame washing over me. “Yeah,” I murmur awkwardly.

Ryan tries to make small talk as we head back to the office, but all he manages to do is make me incredibly nervous. I’m terrified of saying something that’ll make him suspicious of Silas and me. I don’t owe him anything, yet I still feel guilty.

He smiles sheepishly as we get into the elevator and looks down at his shoes. “I’d press the button for you, but Silas took away my access to the top floor after I came to find you at work on your first day.”

My eyes widen in surprise as I lean into the scanner, the button for the 27^th floor automatically lighting up. “How did you get up there today, then?”

He smirks at me. “Every day at lunchtime, I’ve been roaming around the elevator, waiting for someone to go to the top floor. I was starting to give up hope, you know? You said we could be friends, but you’ve been ignoring all of my calls and texts, so I was getting desperate.”

I shake my head at him, oddly touched by his perseverance. “Aren’t you going to press the button for your floor?”

He shakes his head. “I want to walk you back to your desk.”

I stare at him for a moment. It’s easy to see why I fell for him, but is any of it true? He seems kind and thoughtful, but is it genuine? He’s right to say that he no longer needs me, but I’m still unsure.

“Here we are,” I murmur as I drop my handbag on top of my desk.

Ryan nods, his expression crestfallen. “Would you have a coffee with me next week?”

I nod, despite not wanting to. I’ve never been good at saying no, and today I really wish that were different. Ryan leans in and pushes a strand of my hair behind my ear, his touch tender. “I’ll see you soon then.”

He turns and walks away, leaving me feeling confused. When I broke up with him, I thought that’d be it. I villainized him in my mind, convincing myself that nothing we had was real, but maybe not everything was fake.

“Alanna!”

I whirl around, surprised by the anger in Silas’s voice.

“Follow me to my office.”

I tense as I do as he says, a different type of guilt washing over me. With Ryan, my guilt stemmed from being judged for what I did, but with Silas it’s different… I’m scared of hurting him.

I close the door behind me and stare at his broad back. He’s turned away from me, a hand in his hair. I’m rooted in place when he turns around, his eyes filled with anguish.

“Why were you with him?”

“He just wanted to explain. I told you he asked me if we could be friends, and though I agreed, I’d been ignoring him, so he came to find me.”

Silas scoffs. “I already told you he definitely doesn’t just want to be friends with you, and you know it.”

He walks toward me, and I know I should take a step back to keep some distance between us, but I don’t want to. I want to be near him, and though I shouldn’t, I want to reassure him.

He lifts his hand to my face, the tips of his fingers brushing over my lips. “Why is your lipstick smeared?” he asks, his tone low and dangerous.

“I just had lunch,” I whisper.

“With him?”

I nod.

“Don’t do that again. Don’t meet up with him, just the two of you.”

I look into his eyes, trying to figure out what he’s thinking. “Why?” I whisper. “Why do you care so much?”

He cups my cheek, his gaze intense. “Because you’re mine, whether you realize it or not.”

My heart skips a beat as heat rushes to my cheeks, and I look away, flustered. Surely he can’t mean that?

“I’m not a toy for you two to fight over.”

“No,” he agrees. “You’re not a toy, Alanna, but you damn sure are worth fighting for.”