Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I smile to myself as I knock on Alanna’s bedroom door early in the morning. She won a date with me, so that’s exactly what I’m going to give her. The only reason she’s even considering forgiving Ryan is the memories she shares with him. She has no idea of our shared past, of our history. If I want to compete with Ryan and make her fall for me the way she once did, I’ll have to give her new memories to replace the ones she lost.

“Silas?” she says, surprised. I smirk as I take in her workout gear. As expected, she was going for a morning run, as she always did when I managed to fluster her.

“Oh, good, you’re already dressed. I was about to ask you if you wanted to join me for a morning run.”

She looks at me wide-eyed and starts to shake her head, but I grab her hand and pull her along before she has a chance to decline. “Let’s go. I’ve got the perfect trail in mind.”

“Silas, running is more of a solitary activity for me.”

I know, but not with me. You’ve always loved running with me. “That’s fine. We don’t need to talk.”

I start jogging toward the trail the moment we reach the street, and much to my surprise, Alanna maintains my pace, running alongside me instead of behind me. We remain silent for most of the run, and I don’t try to engage her. Alanna has always hated talking while running, but she’s always loved having me by her side. It’s been years, and in many ways she’s no longer the woman I used to know, yet the essence of her stayed the same. It’s strange feeling like I know her better than she knows herself, yet not knowing her at all.

“Let’s go left here.”

She follows me, and nerves assault me as we get closer to the place I’ve been leading her to. I pause in front of the elaborate picnic setup, complete with a tent behind it for privacy and protection from the rain we’re expecting today.

I turn toward her and smile. “You paid good money for a date with me, so I’d better deliver. Hundred grand, was it?”

Her eyes move from the picnic spread back to me, widening as realization sinks in. “This… you did this?”

I nod and grab her hand as I pull her toward the blanket that’s been spread out on the grass. She can’t remember, but our first real date was a picnic too. She’s the reason I am who I am today. I always intended to regain what I lost, but because of Alanna, I didn’t lose my soul in the process. I always knew that someday, we’d find our way back to each other, and when we did, I wanted to be the person she thought I was. Her Si. Alanna is such an integral part of my life, even in the years we spent apart. Every one of my favorite memories revolves around her, and I know it used to be the same for her.

“Here,” I murmur as I hand her the energy drink she always loved.

She stares at it for a moment and smiles. “Wow, this is my favorite flavor.”

I grin and try my best to act surprised. “Is it?”

I watch her as she empties half the bottle. I’ve always loved the way she looks after a run. It’s not much different from what she looks like after sex. Alanna out of breath is a sight to behold.

She breathes a sigh of relief when I hand her a disinfectant wet wipe for her hands. “Thank you,” she says, taking it from me. She hates touching anything after a run. The first thing she usually does when she gets home is wash her hands. Usually she won’t even grab a drink before that. While I couldn’t provide her with a sink here, this thankfully seems to be good enough for her.

I feel her gaze on me as I spread out the food I had prepared for her. The first time I took her on a date we barely had anything to eat, and I remember thinking then that I’d someday redo this date the way I’d wanted to.

“Strawberries and champagne?” she asks.

I smirk. “You did pay a shit ton of money, after all.”

“Technically, you did.”

“It was a gift. So does that mean I gifted you me?”

“I suppose… does that make you mine for the rest of the day?”

I smile at her, my heart thumping loudly in my chest. “Considering the amount of money involved, I’m willing to extend that deal for the rest of our lives.”

Alanna giggles and tilts her head up toward the sun. She looks so sweet lying back on her elbows. It’s almost as though the years we spent apart never happened. “So if I want to make you my boy toy, I can?”

My cock starts to harden at the mere thought of it. “Are you threatening me with a good time?”

Alanna laughs, and I raise my glass to hers. “Here’s to the rest of our lives.”

She looks into my eyes as her glass clinks against mine. “To the rest our lives,” she repeats.

She takes a sip of champagne as I lay out the assortment of pastries, fruits and salads. “You have good taste,” she mutters. “These are all my favorite things.”

I smile as innocently as I can. “Are they? I suppose we’re more alike than I realized.”

I hold up an apple beignet, and she takes it from me with a smile. “The only thing that’s missing—”

“Is coffee?” I finish her sentence for her as I hold up a canister of the sickly sweet coffee she loves.

Her lips fall open, and she shakes her head. “There’s nothing you haven’t thought of, huh?”

I smile as I fill up a mug for her. I’ve also got freshly pressed orange juice and countless other things that she might want, but this will do for now.

Alanna looks at me, her gaze lingering. “I’m surprised you didn’t take me to a fancy restaurant.”

“Is that what you want?”

She hesitates. “Isn’t that what you would’ve done if any of those other women had won?”

I look away, wondering how to answer her. “I suppose so, but that’s mostly because I don’t care whether that date is special to them or not. I’d just be fulfilling an obligation. It’s different with you. I wanted to spend some quality time with you and I wanted to do something memorable. Since you’re my mentee, you’ll be accompanying me to countless formal business dinners, and I didn’t want our first date to be another one of those.”

“First date?”

I nod. It’s our second first date, and though I often hate the fact that she lost her memory, it’s also a chance for me to do things the way I’ve always wanted to with her. The memories she and I shared were filled with poverty and despair. Now, I can give her anything she wants. Money doesn’t just buy things. It also buys experiences, and those in turn become treasured memories.

“What would you have done if Raven had won the auction?” she asks.

There’s jealousy in her eyes, and I can’t help but smile. She clearly misinterprets my smirk, because she grits her teeth and looks away. “Never mind,” she snaps. “I don’t need to know.”

I lie down beside her and look up at her. “I’d have taken her for dinner.”

“Dinner,” she scoffs, as though she doesn’t believe me. “Is that what we’re calling it these days?”

“You’re jealous.”

She looks outraged at my words and crosses her arms, not realizing that she’s betraying herself. “Jealous? Why would I be jealous?”

I’m tempted to tease her, but I know we’re not quite there yet. I’m scared to do anything that’ll push her away. Or worse… into Ryan’s arms.

I stare up at the clouds, watching the world move slowly. She has no idea how long I’ve waited for her, how long I’ve been searching for her. If she hadn’t lost her memories, would we have reunited sooner?

“You told me that you lost your memories when you were younger,” I say cautiously. “What were the last few years like for you if you didn’t have your memories?”

Alanna sighs as she lies down next to me, our heads close together. “It was strange. I woke up in the hospital with no idea who I was or where I came from. If not for the driver’s license in my pocket, I wouldn’t even have known my name.”

I bite down on my lip to keep from telling her everything. If I hadn’t argued with her the way I did, would I have been able to prevent that accident?

“The police came in, but I didn’t match any of their missing person reports, and I didn’t seem to have any next of kin. I was in that hospital all by myself, and no one was looking for me, no one cared.”

She wraps her arms around herself, and though I want to pull her closer, I don’t dare to.

“Social Services came in and found me a place to stay. After a couple of weeks, I received a scholarship offer, and I moved to London. I had a really great professor there, and she’s a big part of the reason I came back. It’s thanks to her that I dared to reach for a little bit more. She taught me that it’s okay to dream, and that trying to make my biggest dreams come true is a worthwhile purpose. I came back to figure out what I lost. The last couple of years were fine, but I felt incomplete.”

I turn my head to look at her. She’s staring up at the sky, her expression dreamy and content. “You mentioned that you often feel like there’s a man you’ve forgotten. There’s someone you dream about, right? How come you dated Ryan when there’s someone you loved so much that even the loss of your memories couldn’t fully erase him from your subconscience?”

She looks at me then, her smile bittersweet. “That is precisely why I started dating Ryan,” she says, her expression crestfallen. “There was someone I loved so much that I couldn’t fully forget him, even when I forgot my own name. Despite that, no one has come looking for me. Whoever he is, he didn’t care enough to be a part of my life.”

“Maybe he did look for you and just couldn’t find you.”

She looks away. “I used to think that. I used to hope that I’d one day run into him, and I’d just know that it was him. That’s kind of what it felt like with Ryan. There was something about his eyes that stirred something deep within, almost like I recognized that shade of green, even though he insisted that we’d never met before. It’s what made me interested in him.”

I stare at her, my heart breaking. “Alanna,” I whisper, unsure of what to say. Ryan and I both have our father’s eyes. Emerald green with specks of brown. It’s my eyes she saw in his. “What would you do if that guy walked back into your life now?”

She looks back at me, the hope in her eyes remedying fragments of my broken heart. “I don’t know. I’d like to think that I’d recognize him the moment I see him, but I’m not sure anymore. Even if I did meet him again, how could he possibly live up to what I’ve imagined him to be? It’s been years, and he’s probably moved on. I need to do the same.”

He hasn’t moved on, is what I want to say, but I can’t. Even now that I’ve finally found her, it feels like she can slip away at any moment. I’m tempted to tie her to me, but Alanna was never meant to be tied down. I need her to stay with me willingly, so I’ll have to give her a reason to. This date is only just the beginning.