Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I look up from my desk when Silas walks in. He smiles at me, and my heart skips a beat. All I’ve been able to think about all day is the way he looked when he asked me to stay. I’ve analyzed our situation countless times in my head, but he doesn’t stand to gain anything by being with me. He doesn’t seem to be lying about wanting me either, but I find it hard to believe he’d be willing to hurt Ryan over me. Unless he’s just after a secret fling? But if that’s the case, why would he want me to live with him?

I think back to the way he held me after I woke up from my dream. Every time I’m around him, I find myself doing things that are out of character for me. I’ve never sought out company after a dream like that, yet being in his arms made me happy. It set my restless heart at ease.

I can’t figure out what’s so different about Silas. Is it because I slept with him? Or is it the kindness he always shows me, despite his rough manner? I’m not sure what it is, but I feel safe and comfortable around him. It’s a feeling that’s eluded me ever since I woke up in the hospital five years ago. He makes me want to stay with him, even though I know better.

“Alanna?”

I’m snapped out of my thoughts by the last voice I wanted to hear. “Ryan?”

“Can I speak to you, please?”

My colleagues are all staring at us, and I instantly feel awkward. “Sure,” I say, even though I don’t want to.

Ryan smiles, his expression portraying relief as he leads me down the hallway toward an empty meeting room. “You’ve been ignoring my calls ever since you sent me that breakup text, and you haven’t replied to any of my messages, either. I’ve been trying to get hold of you for weeks now. How long are you going to keep avoiding me? I even went to your house yesterday and was told you’d moved out. Where are you living now? I’m really worried about you.”

The concern in his voice sounds so real that I find myself second-guessing everything I heard that night. The way he looks at me can’t be fake, can it?

“You don’t need to worry about me.”

He reaches for my hand, and I pull away, crossing my arms defensively. “Alanna, what is going on? Can’t you see that you’re killing me by treating me this way? You broke up with me over text and never even told me why. What have I done to deserve this? Did the time we spent together mean nothing at all?”

I stare at him, startled by the sincerity in his voice. “I heard you talking about me at the party you threw that night. I came over to tell you about the job offer I’d received, and there you were, telling all your friends that you only dated me because it’d improve your image in front of your brother. You tell me, Ryan. Did the time we spent together mean nothing at all?”

His eyes widen, and he looks away as he runs a hand through his hair. “Alanna,” he says, his tone regretful. “I was drunk, and I didn’t mean a word. They’d been teasing me about being with you, because they think you’re a goody two-shoes, and instead of defending you like I should have, I came up with some garbage because I wanted to look cool and act aloof. I fucked up. I swear that I didn’t mean a word. I love you, Alanna. Why would I spend so many months with you if any of what I said was true? What about all our dates, our endless phone conversations? Do you really think I’d have put so much time and effort into a relationship that didn’t matter to me?”

I can’t tell if he’s lying to me or not. He looks and sounds so sincere that I feel stupid for breaking up with him and doing what I did, when I should have just confronted him. Instead of that, I seduced his older brother. There’s no going back from that. I can’t undo that night. I’m not even sure I want to.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. It was just the push I needed to end a relationship that wasn’t working for either of us.”

“You can’t mean that.”

I look into his stunning green eyes. It’s his eyes that captivated me when we first met. One look, and I was a goner. Yet somehow, when I look into those very same eyes now, they just look like a diluted version of Silas’s eyes.

“I mean it. I feel like I don’t even know you, Ryan. Everything you said that night made me wonder how much of our relationship was even real.”

“Everything about it was real, Alanna. Just give me a chance to prove it. You can’t just expect me to accept this. We can’t break up and throw away months worth of memories over words spoken in a drunken stupor. Please, Alanna. You know me. You know the real me better than anyone else does. I know I’m a dick sometimes and I fuck up occasionally, but my heart is in the right place, and it only beats for you. It always has.”

I bite down on my lip, memories of the two of us flooding my mind. Most of the memories I’ve got are with him, and he’s right, it’s hard to walk away from that. But how could I possibly be with him when I slept with his brother behind his back? He’d never forgive me. If we were to get back together, we’d be on borrowed time. At some point, he’d find out, and that’d be the end of us. Besides… it isn’t him I see when I close my eyes now. It’s Silas.

“I can’t be with you,” I whisper.

“Why?” His voice breaks, true pain reflected in his eyes. “I love you, Alanna. There’s nothing you and I can’t get through together. Please, sweetheart. Give me a chance to prove to you that I’m better than the version of me you saw that night.”

I look away, suddenly uncertain. Even though I want to, I struggle to deny his request. “I don’t think you and I can be anything more than friends,” I murmur. “I just… I don’t see us getting back together. Our relationship wasn’t as happy as either of us pretended it was. We weren’t a good fit, and this incident was just what we needed to show us that.”

He shakes his head and takes a step closer. Ryan cups my cheek tenderly and sighs. “Give me a chance to prove you wrong, Alanna. After the months we spent together, don’t you owe me that much at least? At least give me a chance to mend our friendship. We were such good friends before. Even if you never want to get back together, surely our friendship is still salvageable?”

I bite down on my lip and nod against better judgement. “Maybe,” I whisper.

He leans in and presses a kiss against my cheek, startling me. “Thank you, sweetheart. You won’t regret this.”

I pull away from him and put some distance between us, his proximity making me uncomfortable. I thought I loved him, yet within the span of a few weeks, I can barely stand the sight of him. “Don’t misunderstand,” I warn him. “I think we can be friends, and I’m willing to work on that, but that’s all I’m willing to give you.”

He smiles and nods. “We started off as friends, Alanna. Remember? A chance is all I need.”

Ryan smirks and walks away, leaving me standing here wondering what just happened.

I walk out in a daze, annoyed with myself for agreeing to his request when I didn’t truly want to. Before I even reach my desk, Silas calls for me, his tone angry. “In my office. Now,” he barks.

I follow him in, jumping when he slams the door closed behind us. “What did Ryan want?” he asks, pacing in his office.

I can barely look him in the eye. I’m so overwhelmed with guilt that I shouldn’t even be feeling. I don’t owe Silas anything, yet I’m nervous standing here, my heart beating a strange rhythm of fear and guilt.

“He wanted to make up. He asked me for another chance.”

Silas pauses and turns toward me. He walks up to me, and I resist the urge to take a step back. “Will you?” he asks. “Will you give him that chance?” Only a few inches separate us, and unlike with Ryan, I find myself wanting him closer. Silas reaches for me the same way Ryan did, his hand wrapping over my cheek tenderly. His touch feels different, more intimate somehow.

“You can’t,” he adds, his voice pained. “You can’t go back to him, Alanna. Not after what we did.”

I look into his eyes, reveling in the possessiveness he’s showing me. “I won’t. He just wants a chance to be friends again.”

“You know he wants more than that.”

I pull away from Silas and look away. “He’s in all of my favorite memories, Silas. I can’t walk away from him when he’s such a huge part of who I am. It’s just friendship he’s asking for.”

Silas grits his teeth and reaches for a strand of my hair. “What about the memories we created? What about that night when you fell asleep in my arms? What about the way you moaned my name as my cock sank deep inside you? Don’t those memories count?”

I blush and look down at my shoes, flustered. “Silas, that night we fell asleep together was… I’m not sure what that was, but both instances were mistakes.”

“Were they?”

I nod.

He grabs my hand and pulls me toward him, and I stumble into him. Silas buries a hand into my hair and tips my head up as he lowers his lips to mine. “If it was a mistake, then why did it feel so right?” he whispers, his lips hovering over mine. All I need to do is rise to my tiptoes, and I’d get a taste of him. I’ve been craving him ever since the night I try so hard not to remember, when it’s all I can think about.

I inhale shakily and pull away from him. He’s my ex’s older brother and my boss. I can’t go there. Not again. “You just want what you can’t have,” I murmur.

His expression hardens. “Alanna, make no mistake. I will never let you be with my brother. If that means that he learns all about the way I made you come on my floor, then so be it. I have no problem telling him all about how his girlfriend came onto me and begged me to fuck her.”

My eyes widen, a chill running down my spine. “You never wanted me with him in the first place. In your eyes, I was never good enough for your little brother. Is that why you slept with me? To ensure he and I would be over? To prove to yourself how unworthy I am?”

“No,” he tells me. “I fucked you because you asked me to, and because you always should’ve been mine. You made your choice when you came home with me, Alanna. There’s no going back now.”