Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I grin at the text messages Alanna sent me, rereading them for the thousandth time today. We woke up together this morning, and she’s barely looked me in the eye all day. She’s been awkward and tense at the office, yet her texts tell a different story.

Alanna: I was just wondering if there’s any chance you’d make it home for dinner tonight?

Silas: If you want me home, I’ll be home.

Alanna: It’s okay if you’re busy. I just wanted to repay you for consoling me last night. Usually that kind of dream leaves me feeling hurt and upset the entire next day, but thanks to you, I’m feeling fine today.

Silas: I’m never too busy for you, Alanna.

Alanna: Then… would you have dinner with me tonight? I can cook for you, if you’d like?

I chuckle to myself, my heart skipping a beat every time I read this text. It’s been hard, taking things slow with her, but moments like these make it all worth it.

Silas: I’ll see you at home tonight then.

I wonder if she has any idea how many of my mundane fantasies she’s realizing. Simple things like having dinner together in a home of our own… that’s what I’ve always wanted.

I’m smiling as I finally walk through the front door, barely managing to contain my excitement. Amy had to make a lot of changes to my schedule in order to free up tonight, but it’s worth it. I don’t care how long ago some of my meetings were arranged. They aren’t as important as this.

I follow the smell of something delicious to the kitchen and find Alanna standing behind the stove, wearing a loose t-shirt and some cotton shorts. She looks cute as hell.

“Smells good,” I murmur.

She whirls around, her eyes wide. “Silas! You’re home earlier than expected.” She looks down at her clothes and grimaces, making my heart skip yet another beat.

“You look beautiful just the way you are,” I tell her, and she bites down on her lip in an attempt to hide her smile. Fuck. I’ve waited so long for this. She’s kept me at a distance for so long, and for a while I worried I wouldn’t be able to win her over. Watching her cheeks redden over such a simple compliment has me all kinds of excited.

I lean back against the counter and pull my tie loose. “Besides, weren’t you the one who asked me if I’d like to have dinner with you?”

She nods, her cheeks tinged pink. “I lost track of time, and I didn’t actually think you’d say yes. I’ve been here for a few weeks now and I can count the times you had dinner at home on one hand.”

“I’ve spent every evening in the last couple of weeks socializing with clients, but today my schedule was free for once, so this worked out perfectly. What are you cooking?”

She smiles at me awkwardly. “It’s spaghetti bolognese, and I know that sounds a little boring, but I made the sauce myself and it’s going to be amazing.”

I nod, my heart racing as I try my hardest not to stare at her. I wish I could spend more evenings at home with her, but my schedule is jam-packed. I didn’t use to mind it, because I never used to have anyone to come home too, but it’s different now. Somehow, I’m going to have to find a way to work a little less. I want more of this.

I take a seat by the kitchen island and watch her as she cooks, humming a tune I don’t recognize. This was part of our fantasies. We’d work, and then we’d come home and cook dinner together. It’s the simple things in life we wanted most. Does a small part of her remember?

“So, what is this all about?” I ask, curious. “Not that there needs to be a reason for us to have dinner together. I was just curious.”

Alanna puts the knife down and looks up at me, her expression sincere. “I genuinely just wanted to thank you. It’s hard for me to explain, but a dream like the one I had last night can truly ruin my entire week. Often I’ll find myself trying so hard to remember what I dreamed of that I get the worst headaches, and it makes me unable to focus on anything else in life. But somehow, it was different today. Instead of feeling heartbroken and empty, I felt oddly… complete. Usually, it’s almost like there’s a huge chunk of me missing, and it’s not just about my memories. But I didn’t feel that way this morning.”

I smile at her, wishing I could just come clean and tell her everything. “Hey, maybe it’s because I’m the man of your dreams? Are you having wet dreams about me, Alanna?”

She grins at me and picks her knife back up. “To be fair,” she says. “The only wetness you can draw out of me is tears. I guess that explains why I woke up crying, huh?”

My lips fall open, and I point a finger at her. “Alanna, I feel like I need to defend my honor here. If you weren’t holding a knife, I’d walk over there, spread your legs right on top of this kitchen counter, and show you just how wet you can get for me.”

Her eyes darken, but then confusion flickers through them. She puts the knife down and rubs her temples, her eyes falling closed. “Defend your honor?” she whispers.

I freeze. That’s an inside joke of ours and I said it without thinking. I didn’t think it’d trigger a memory. I walk around the kitchen island and wrap my arm around her waist. “Hey,” I whisper. “What’s wrong?”

She drops her head to my chest and inhales deeply. “It’s nothing,” she whispers. “It’s just… sometimes random words make my head hurt. Almost like a part of me wants to remember, but a larger part of me refuses to.” She pulls away and looks at me. “Sorry, Silas. It really is nothing.” She takes a step away from me, and I reluctantly let her go. “Come on, the food is pretty much done, anyway. I’ve already set the dining table.”

She’s quiet as she plates our food, and I help her carry it all to the dining room, both of us silent. She’s lost in thought now, and I can’t help but wonder if she remembered something. I never even realized that it physically hurts her to recall anything about us at all, and it fills me with guilt.

Alanna is absentminded as she takes a bite, and I’m worried. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask.

She nods and smiles at me sweetly. “Yeah. This happens every once in a while, but it’s all fruitless. I never remember anything, no matter how hard I try. For a really long time, I was so obsessed with my past that I forgot to live in the present, and I no longer want to do that. It isn’t easy, having so very few memories, but it is what it is. I guess that’s why it was so hard for me to find out that Ryan had been using me. I know you don’t like hearing about him, but he’s the only one I really have memories with, so finding out he used me just hit me so hard. I spent so long chasing my memories, and the moment I decided to stop doing that, I placed my trust in the wrong person. It left me feeling scared to trust anyone, to trust myself. After all, I trusted the wrong person once and I never even realized it, so what if it happens again?”

I look into her eyes, unsure how to reassure her. Without her memories, she doesn’t have her previous life experience to fall back on, and that’s what shapes our decision making. I know she’s instinctively still making the right choices, but it must be hard not being able to logically think through why she does things or why she feels a certain way, especially for an over thinker like Alanna.

“That night… you never told me how he hurt you, and I haven’t brought it up because I didn’t want to upset you. Will you tell me what he did?”

She nods. “He didn’t cheat on me, if that’s what you thought. He used me to create a better image of himself for you. I overheard him saying that he was only dating me because I’m exactly the kind of girl you’d like, and that you wouldn’t believe he’d changed overnight, but you’d believe it if it was because of a girl. Maybe I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did, but it just really hurt, because it made me wonder if anything we had was real.”

So he was knowingly using her against me, but why her? It looks like my little brother isn’t as innocent as I’d hoped, and I’m not sure what to do with that information. “How did you two meet?” I ask, not wanting to hear about the two of them, but needing to know so I can set my worries at ease.

“Ryan told you we met at the beach one day, right? I volunteer to gather plastic once a month, and one day he showed up with his mother. She and I made small talk, and she kept telling him to be more like me, and that he should learn from me if he wants to clean up his act. I just thought it was funny, the way she somewhat jokingly berated him. At the end of the day, he asked if we could hang out, and we just chatted for a bit. That was it, really.”

That can’t have been a coincidence. Mona must have gone there knowing Alanna was there, but how did she find her before I did? How did she know about Alanna at all?

“Did you see Mona often?”

Alanna shakes her head. “Not at all. Just that first time at the beach, and then at your house for dinner. Why do you ask?”

I shake my head. “It’s nothing. I was just curious.”

She smiles and takes a bite of her pasta, the two of us eating in silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts.

“Oh! I forgot to tell you,” she says, dropping her fork. “I found a few places I think could work, so I won’t be bothering you much longer.”

The mere thought of her leaving has my heart aching. “Don’t leave,” I murmur, my tone pleading. “There’s plenty of space here, and as you’ve noticed, I’m rarely home. There’s no need for you to leave.”

She looks up at me, wide-eyed. “I, um, I can’t stay here.”

“Why?”

She blinks, as though she isn’t quite sure herself. “It isn’t appropriate, and I don’t want to invade your privacy.” Her expression turns anguished, and I know exactly what she’s thinking of.

“You were jealous last week, weren’t you?” I murmur. “You brought Raven up last night too. Did her coming to the office really bother you that much?”

I wonder if she has any idea how hard it was for me to see her with Ryan, the two of them sitting opposite each other in my own goddamn home. I don’t want her to hurt the way I did, but part of me is glad that she’s jealous too. It gives me hope.

Her head snaps up, her eyes wide. “No,” she denies. “I wasn’t jealous.”

I nod and bite back a smile when she shoves her plate away, her expression serene but her demeanor betraying her. “I thought the way you stormed into my office was pretty cute. The way your eyes flashed with possessiveness was hot. Honestly, I really wanted to kiss your anger away.”

Alanna looks away, her expression flustered, and I can’t help but smirk. She’s so fucking cute. Every time I worry about our future together, she gives me a little sign that proves she still cares. She might not understand why, but she does.

“I want you, Alanna,” I admit. “I’ve wanted you for far longer than you can imagine, and your past with my brother doesn’t change that.”

She looks down at her plate and shakes her head. “And this is why I need to leave,” she whispers. “Because a part of me wants you too, and we can’t go there. The entire company knows me as Ryan’s ex-girlfriend, and you’re my boss. If things go wrong, they’d go really wrong, and we can’t afford for that to happen. This job means everything to me, Silas. Besides, do you really want to hurt your brother like that? Us being around each other outside of work is a terrible idea.”

I shake my head and inhale deeply. “Or it’s a great idea, baby. No one needs to know. This is our own space, separate from work. Ryan has no access to my home, so it’s not like he can show up here.”

She looks into my eyes, clearly tempted, yet she shakes her head. “I can’t. It was wrong of me to sleep with you that night, and with us living together the lines are blurring even more. I don’t know what it is about you, Silas… I know I should walk away, yet I keep finding myself gravitating toward you. It’s wrong, and I hate myself for it, but I can’t stop myself either. I know I should leave, but I desperately want to stay.”

“Then stay,” I whisper. “Just stay with me, Alanna. Stop looking for a place to live, and just let me take care of you. I won’t lie and pretend I don’t want you, but I won’t actively pursue you if that’s not what you want. So just stay with me.”

“Aren’t you worried about hurting your brother? You and I… we barely know each other. What is it about me that makes it worth the risk? Ryan will never forgive you if he finds out. You’re his brother, Silas. That’s not a relationship you can just walk away from.”

I look into her eyes, trying to figure out the best way to answer her. “Alanna, all I know is that I feel like myself around you. You say that you aren’t sure why you gravitate toward me, and it’s the same for me. I don’t know why I want you so badly, why you make me smile like no one else ever has before, and I’m not sure why I want you in my space when I’ve always loved being alone, but I do.”

“I don’t get it,” she whispers. “Why me?”

I lean back in my seat, my eyes roaming over her face. I’ve missed her so fucking much. As the years passed, I wondered if I’d even want her as badly when I finally found her, if perhaps we’d find we’ve outgrown each other, but no. I still need her as much as I need the air that fills my lungs.

“Because you’re the only woman who’s ever made me smile when it feels like breathing is near impossible. You breathe live into my broken heart, mending my soul when I thought it was forsaken. You do something to me that no one else can, and I don’t know how or why, but I know I can’t get enough of it.”

Alanna bites down on her lip, her cheeks flaming. Sitting opposite me at the table, she’s never looked more beautiful.

“So stay,” I whisper. “Stay here with me.”