Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I stare at Alanna’s bedroom door and sigh. She’s been avoiding me since Raven visited my office a few days ago, and I’m not sure what to do. It’s clear that she’s confused by her feelings for me, and I don’t want to push her too hard, because I’m scared she’ll run.

Just as I’m about to walk away, a soft sound stops me in my tracks. Is she crying? I hesitate for a split second before pushing her door open. Her room is pitch dark, and I can just about make out the shape of her in bed. She’s twisting and turning, her breathing labored. “Si,” she groans.

I freeze and stare at her in shock. I never thought I’d hear her call me Si again. I approach her cautiously, my heart pounding loudly. She’s fast asleep, but she seems to be dreaming… of me.

“Please, Si,” she begs, her tone desperate. “Please.” A tear rolls down her cheek as she whispers my name again.

I lift the covers and slide into bed with her, turning onto my side so I’m facing her. “I’m right here, baby,” I whisper. “I’m with you.”

Her body relaxes, but her expression remains tense. I lean in and brush the tip of my finger over her scrunched up brows, and slowly but surely, the tension in her body drains away. Alanna sighs and turns toward me, draping her leg over me. “Si,” she whispers, a hint of relief in her voice. Is she dreaming of me? She’s given me no indication that she remembers me at all, but she’s clearly calling for me.

I wrap my arms around her as she snuggles closer, until she’s got her head on my chest, the two of us lying together the way we used to. She still fits against me perfectly.

“I’ve missed you,” I whisper, needing to say the words. “I still love you as much as I did then. It’s always been you, Alanna.”

She snuggles closer, her nose brushing over my neck. I bite down on my lip as she moves against me, wishing I could just turn us over and kiss her the way I’ve been wanting to. Now that I’ve finally got her back in my life, it’s hard to take it slow. I want everything we’ve missed out on. I hold her just a little tighter, needing her with a desperation I haven’t felt in years. She’s the only one who’s ever made me feel this way.

Alanna tenses in my arms and I freeze. She pulls away from me, her eyes widening when she sees me. “Silas?”

I look into her eyes, noting the redness in them. “Do you often cry in your sleep?”

Her lips fall open and she looks away, clearly not wanting to answer me. I sigh as I pull her back into my arms. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” I rub her back soothingly, and she relaxes in my arms.

“At least once a week,” she admits. “Sometimes more often. I can never remember why, but every time this happens, I wake up feeling heartbroken. It feels like my dreams are showing me someone important, but the moment my eyes open, the images fade away. I just know it’s someone I love.”

“Someone you love?” I ask, my heart aching painfully. I wish I could tell her all about us and the history we share. Would she be mine once more if I tell her the truth?

I bite down on my lip as memories of her crying herself to sleep come to mind, her small frame shaking from the force of her sobs. If Alanna regains her memories, she’ll also be reminded of the pain she went through when she lost her father. I can’t put her through that. Besides, perhaps this is a blessing. It’s a chance to make her fall for me all over again, without the burdens of the past.

“I told you that I lost my memories when I was eighteen, right? I have no memory of anything before that point. I woke up in the hospital with no idea who I was or where I came from. I had a driver’s license on me that told me my name, but I could never recover my memory. In all these years, no one has come looking for me, yet I can’t help but feel like there’s someone out there.” She sighs and buries her face in my neck. “But maybe that’s just wishful thinking.”

“Maybe, but maybe it isn’t.” I hesitate for a moment and inhale deeply. “What would you do if you met someone who knew all about your past? If you were told about it, there’s a high chance you’d never recover your full memory, because there’d be a risk that your real memories would be overwritten by whatever you’re told, until you can no longer tell what’s real. Would you still want to know?”

Alanna hesitates, her finger drawing circles on my chest the way she used to when she was thinking. She might not remember anything, but she still behaves the way she used to. She’s still my Ray in every way that matters.

“No,” she says. “I have a feeling that the memories I lost are important and precious ones, and I wouldn’t want them to be corrupted. I’ve spent years by myself and I’ve done just fine without those memories. Even if I were given the chance, I’d rather wait for them to return to me naturally, without anyone manipulating them.”

I nod, unsure how to feel about her answer. “This person you dream about…” I don’t even know what I’m asking her. “Who do you think it is?”

She sighs and tilts her head. “I think it’s a man. I can only assume it’s an ex-boyfriend, but this would’ve been years ago. He never came looking for me in all this time, and he’s probably moved on.”

“Impossible,” I murmur. “I’m certain he never stopped looking for you, Alanna. There’s no way he would’ve moved on.”

She tenses in my arms, and I tighten my grip on her. “That’s sweet of you,” she whispers. “But we both know it isn’t true.”

She pushes away from me and sits up. “I’m sorry if I woke you up, Silas. Thank you for consoling me. I… I didn’t mean to — I wasn’t trying to…”

“I know.”

“You should probably go back to your room.”

I put my hands behind my head and glance at her. “I’m perfectly comfortable right here.”

She looks at me and shakes her head. “You have a girlfriend.”

“Do I? When did we agree to start dating, Alanna? I’m all for it. I just wasn’t aware. This is definitely a pleasant development.”

She looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, and I can’t help but laugh at her expression. I thought I’d set her worries at ease when I told her I wasn’t dating Raven, but her insecurities must have gotten the better of her. She’s always been one to overthink things, and I should’ve anticipated that.

Her gaze turns dreamy all of a sudden, reminding me of the way she used to look at me when she thought I wasn’t looking. “You laughed again.”

“It’s an unfortunate side effect of being around you. You’re ruining my broody imago.”

Alanna stares at me, and I lift my hand to her face, stroking her cheek with the back of my fingers. “I swear to you, Alanna. I don’t have a girlfriend. I’m not seeing anyone. Not now, and not when I took you to bed, either.” From the moment I found her, she’s been all I can see. Even when she brought my brother to my home for dinner, being with someone else never even occurred to me.

“You never took me to bed,” she whispers accusatorially.

I smirk. “I’m happy to remedy that.”

She looks like she’s about to snap at me, so I pull her back to me and hug her tightly. “I’m tired,” I say, my voice soft. “Let’s go to bed.”

I expect her to fight me on this and kick me out, but instead she settles against me and nods. Part of her still wants me, and not just physically. It might take time, but I have no doubt she and I can get back to where we used to be. Day by day, I’m going to steal tiny pieces of her heart, until one day, she’s mine again.