Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I’m giddy with excitement as I walk up to Ryan’s apartment, my set of keys in hand. He gave them to me last week, and today seems like a great first time to use them. I can’t wait to tell him the good news. The two of us working together is a dream come true.

I’m surprised when I walk in to find the lights dimmed and loud R&B music playing. Ryan never listens to this kind of music. It’s far more my taste than it is his. He’s the one that taught me all about classical music, and though I still don’t enjoy it, I hate it a little less.

My gaze trails over the packed living room, and I pause in confusion. What the hell? Ryan hates partying. He’s a loner, like I am. Why would he be throwing a party without even inviting me?

I walk through the crowd of dancing people, not a single person I know in sight. Who are these people? I breathe a sigh of relief when I spot Ryan standing on the balcony with some guys I vaguely recognize. I’ve only ever met them briefly, but I believe the one standing next to him is his childhood friend.

I’m about to walk out there when I hear my name being mentioned. Something about the way Ryan’s friend said my name has me pausing, my instincts alerting me that something is… off. I lean back out of view and listen, curiosity getting the better of me.

“How much longer are you going to date Alanna? She’s fucking beneath you. I get secondhand embarrassment just watching you with her.”

I expected Ryan to snap at his friend, but he just laughs. “I have to keep playing this game a bit longer. My brother would never believe I changed otherwise. He’ll believe she caused the change. He told me he wouldn’t give me shit until I cleaned up my act and stopped drinking and partying, withholding what should’ve been mine. She’s everything that asshole loves. The fucking charity bullshit, the vanilla everything. I swear, the way she fucking kisses is boring as fuck. The sex is even worse. I’ve got her believing I want her so much that I can’t last more than a minute with her, but honestly, I just can’t stand fucking her for longer than that. She’s so goddamn boring. The only reason I can get it up at all is because she’s hiding a hot little body underneath all those goddamn oversized layers she wears.”

His friends all laugh, the sound in sharp contrast with the pain in my chest. He’s dating me as a front? To make Silas believe he isn’t the playboy everyone has been warning me he is? I swallow down the sob that threatens to rise up my throat and squeeze my eyes closed. It can’t be. I must have misheard it. Ryan… he loved going to game night at our local senior complex last week. He’s the one that’s constantly suggesting ways for us to give back to the community.

I think back to our relationship, wondering what was real and what wasn’t. Even the music in this place isn’t something I thought he enjoyed. If something as simple as his music taste was fake, then what else was?

“If she’s everything your brother wants, why not just give her to him? That’s bound to get you in his good graces.”

I jump when I hear glass shattering. I turn to peek outside, finding large shards right next to Ryan’s shoes. He’s staring his friend down, his expression terrifying. I’ve never seen him like this. He’s nothing like the sweet man I know.

“Fuck no. That bastard took everything from us. He gained control over all the Sinclair assets to the point that I have to beg him for a fucking job. I’m not giving him anything else. He can’t have her. Never her. I’m never letting anything that’s mine fall into his hands again. Nah. I’m going to use Alanna to gain his trust. Behind that rough exterior, he’s still the same guy I grew up with. He puts family above all else. Once I’m in, I’m taking back everything we lost, starting with our fucking house. I can’t wait to throw him out the way he did with my mother and me. That asshole is going to pay.”

I’m shaking so hard I’m certain someone is about to notice me and ask if I’m okay, betraying my presence. My thoughts are whirling, and I’m barely able to comprehend what I’m hearing. He’s using me? I’m just a way to improve his damn image?

I should’ve known. I should’ve believed everyone that warned me, everyone that told me that guys like Ryan don’t date girls like me. I wanted to feel loved so badly that I ignored the warning bells.

I can’t tell if I’m more angry or hurt. I’m mad at myself for being so blind, for truly believing someone could want me the way Ryan pretended to. By the time I walk out the door, my pain has given way to blinding fury.

That fucking asshole.

I gave him everything. All those evenings we stayed up together, the long talks, the dates. Was all of it fake? How much of the man I thought I knew was even real? To think he couldn’t even bear touching me… I can’t believe he faked it. At least I now no longer have to feel bad for never enjoying the sex.

I pause in the middle of the street, my eyes dropping to Ryan’s beloved car. Out of everything he showed me, his love for this stupid car was definitely real.

I glance at the keys in my hand and back at his car. Before I realize what I’m doing, I’m digging his house keys into the side of car, ruining what I’m sure is an expensive paint job. I take my time spelling out A S S H O L E, but it does nothing to ease my anger.

He used me. He took my love for my community and used it as a fucking PR stunt. He led me on, talking about how I belong in his family, making me think he was serious about me, when all along it was all a game to him.

I turn around, in search of something to throw at his car. I narrow my eyes when I find a couple of decently large rocks near the trees. I grab them and walk back, hesitating for a split second before throwing one of the rocks straight through his window. The glass shatters beautifully, damaging his leather seats, and I smile. It doesn’t make up for the pain he put me through, but it’s a start.

I lean into the car, digging my keys into the leather headrest, keying M I C R O D I C K and M I N U T E M A N into it. I can’t believe I suffered through shit sex over that asshole. I can’t believe I spent so much of my time with him. I ignored well-meant warnings because of him, alienating some of my closest friends. He played his part so well that I was none the wiser. If I hadn’t overheard him tonight, then what? Would he have wasted more of my time? How much of my life did he intend to sacrifice for his selfish, petty goals? For the first time in years, I felt like I belonged with someone, and it was all fake.

I wipe away the tears I hadn’t even realized had fallen and kick his door as hard as I can, denting it. I want him to find his car tomorrow and feel at least a bit of the pain he’s put me through. He clearly doesn’t care about me, but this? This will hurt him.

“Microdick? Nice.”

I whirl around in shock. “Silas.”

I didn’t hear him approach. The streets have been eerily silent. The only thing disturbing the peace was the sound of me damaging Ryan’s car.

I drop the keys in my hand, my face draining of color. Fuck. What have I done? I can’t afford repairs on this car. What was I thinking? A fresh wave of panic overwhelms me, and I try my hardest to keep from shaking.

Silas stares at me, his expression calm. His attention isn’t on the car. It’s on me. “What happened?” he asks.

I open my mouth to answer, but the words won’t come. How do I tell him that Ryan was using me? It’s hard enough for me to come to terms with myself. Admitting it to someone, to Silas? That’s beyond me right now.

He sighs and walks up to me, pausing right in front of me. Silas places his hands on my cheeks and swipes at my tears with his thumbs. “He hurt you.”

I nod, my eyes falling closed as another fresh wave of tears fall from my eyes. Silas catches them all, his touch gentle.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I… I wasn’t thinking. I’ll get the car repaired, I promise. Please don’t report me to the police,” I beg.

Silas chuckles and brushes my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear instead. “This isn’t what I expected to find when the car’s silent alarm went off,” he says. “I’m impressed. You did quite a bit of damage in the few minutes it took me to get here. What is it with you and damaging cars, huh?”

Silent alarm. Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? I must’ve truly lost my mind. I’m done for. I’m going to be in debt for the rest of my life, and it wouldn’t surprise me if Silas decides not to hire me anymore.

I bite down on my lip harshly. What did I do? I let Ryan use me for months, and right till the end I’m the one that suffers most. I put my own future at stake and he isn’t even worth it. I swallow down a sob and squeeze my eyes closed. Years of hard work, all gone because I couldn’t control my pain.

Silas sighs and takes a step closer to me. Before I realize what’s happening, he’s got his arms wrapped around me. He hugs me tightly, and I burst into tears while he just stands there, stroking my hair with one hand and keeping the other wrapped tightly around me.

“What happened, my love? What did he do?”

I shake my head and hug him back, squeezing him tightly, as though holding onto him will keep me from falling apart.

“I’ll get the car fixed,” I murmur. “Don’t fire me, please. I swear I’m not usually like this.”

Silas chuckles and holds me tighter. “Fuck the car,” he says. “It’s mine anyway. It’s not his. Don’t worry about it. I’ll have it towed in a minute.”

I pull back to look at him in surprise, and he smiles. “Oh God,” I whisper. “It’s not Ryan’s?”

Silas smirks and shakes his head. “I loaned it to him because he loved it so much.”

His words bring fresh tears to my eyes. I damaged a car that isn’t even Ryan’s. The small amount of vindication it gave me drains away, leaving me feeling empty, deprived of my revenge and heartbroken in more ways than one.

Ryan’s words run through my mind, filling me with fresh contempt. He can’t have her. Never her. I swallow hard, my eyes running over Silas. “I’ll repay you,” I tell him.

Silas frowns, and I smile bitterly.

“Right now.”

“How are you going to pay me back, Alanna?”

My heart starts to race as I look into his eyes. “Silas, I’m ready to beg for it.”