Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

My heart sinks as I delete yet another rejection email. There’s no way I’m going to attend Astor College, but at this rate, even community college won’t be an option. I was so certain I’d get at least a partial scholarship somehow, but so far I’ve only received rejections.

I look up when Si walks into our bedroom, and he shoots me a sympathetic look. “Another one?”

I nod and hold my arms up in a plea for a hug. Si grins at me as he walks up to the bed and sits down next to me, leaning in to hug me tightly. My lips tip up into a smile as I rest my head against his chest and listen to his heartbeat.

Silas strokes my back tenderly, his lips pressed to the top of my head. “Give it time, baby. You’ve applied to everything that was available, and you’ve done your best. I have full faith that your hard work will pay off.”

I wish I had as much faith as Silas does. With each passing day, my worries increase. Silas hasn’t been able to find a job yet, and Ricardo made it clear he won’t let us have this room once Si graduates. It’s his way of forcing us to stand on our own feet, but I’m scared. Silas firmly believes that me getting into college will set me up for a good future, but I’m more worried about our immediate future. What are we going to do? I can’t rely on Silas as much as I have been. I don’t want to put even more pressure on him, and depending on him for a place to stay isn’t right, and it isn’t fair. He’s come so far, and I’m just pulling him down with me. I know how hard he’s worked throughout the last few years, and I don’t want to shackle him.

“Hey,” he whispers. “Your phone just buzzed. I’ve got a good feeling. Open it.”

I turn in his embrace and rest my back against his chest so he can look over my shoulder as I unlock my phone. I click on the email, nerves settling in my stomach. This is one of the very last ones I’ve been waiting to hear back from.

“Congratulations,” Silas reads, his voice brimming with excitement. He chuckles and tightens his grip on me as he drops his head to my neck, kissing me just below my ear. “I knew you’d do it, Ray. Read out the rest. What does it entail?”

My heart is hammering in my chest as I read the rest of the email in complete disbelief. “Tuition with a discounted student room,” I whisper. “It’s a smaller college, but they have a solid IT programme.”

“How long do you have to reply to their offer?”

I scroll down the email and bite down on my lip. “Seven days.”

“Accept it, Ray.”

I turn to face him and frown. “What do you mean, accept it? Accept the tuition offer, you mean?”

He shakes his head. “Accept both. Tuition and the discounted accommodation. You should be able to pay for it with your current part-time job at the supermarket or something similar, maybe something closer to your college.”

“Si, that makes no sense. If I accept the discounted room, we’d be paying for two places to stay. This is a shared room, so we wouldn’t get away with both of us staying there. My roommate would definitely complain.”

“I know.”

I look into his eyes, for once finding him impossible to read. Something about his expression is making my heart ache, and I bite down on my lip when he looks down.

“Alanna,” he says, his voice soft, pained. “You need to accept that offer. You and I… we don’t have the luxury of being dreamers. When faced with a guaranteed place to stay for an entire year versus the uncertainty you’d have with me, the choice is obvious.”

I pull away from him and clench my jaw. “Silas, I thought we were in this together. Weren’t we going to find a small studio that we’d share? You’d go to work, and I’d go to college? Wasn’t that part of our plan?”

Silas rises to his feet and starts to pace the room. “Alanna, my plans haven’t changed. I still want to regain everything I lost, which means the next couple of years aren’t going to be much easier than the past few have been. If nothing else, I want to be sure you have a safe place to stay.”

“I know that,” I tell him. “I know what your plans are, and I’ll fully support you. I admit the last couple of weeks have been tough, but we’ve done our best, and we were happy, weren’t we? I don’t think we should spend money on two places to stay when we’ll always be together, anyway.”

He looks at me with a pained expression and shakes his head. “Alanna, you have your whole future ahead of you. You’re meant for so much more than I can give you. I don’t want you to struggle the way I always have. I want you to go to college and have fun. I want you to enjoy the experience and look back on it fondly. You can’t do that when you’re tied to a man like me.”

I tense and look into his eyes. “What are you trying to say, Silas?”

He nods and runs a hand through his hair, his expression pained. “You’re about to go to college, and I don’t want you to be with me because you have no other choice, because our circumstances forced us together. If you accept that room, you’ll always have the freedom to leave. You’ll have a space of your own.”

“That’s not what I want, Silas. I want the future we envisioned, every single part of it, not just the good parts. I know it isn’t going to be easy, yet I’m choosing to walk this path with you. I have no intention of leaving you, so stop this, please.”

“I won’t let you walk this path with me, Alanna. This isn’t what I want. I want more than that for you.”

I freeze, my eyes filling with tears I can’t blink away. “W-what does that mean, Silas?”

He looks up at the ceiling and inhales shakily. “I don’t know, Alanna.”

I sniff as a tear rolls down my cheek and rush past him. Si reaches for me, but I shake my head. “Get away from me,” I snap. “I can’t… I can’t deal with this right now, Si. I really can’t. Just leave me alone.”

I turn and rush out the door, my tears running down my cheeks uncontrollably. Just as I round the corner, thunder erupts in the sky, followed by a heavy downpour. It’s as though the heavens are weeping with me, and I burst out crying in earnest. How could Si believe we won’t last? How could he not believe in us?

I don’t know how to reassure him, and I don’t know what to do. The expression in Silas’s eyes told me he wouldn’t budge. He truly wants me to accept the discounted room I was offered, but what would that mean for us? He’s in every single one of my plans for the future, but am I truly in his?

I’m so distraught that I don’t hear the car approaching over the sound of the rain, not until it’s too late. I look up into blinding headlights, seconds before I’m lifted off the ground by the impact of the collision, my body landing with a loud thud. The pain barely registers as my eyes fall closed, bathing the world in darkness. The last thing I think of before I lose consciousness is Silas, and how I wish I’d told him that I love him one last time.