Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

Part 2 – The Present

I open my desk drawer with trembling hands, taking out one of the hundred cranes that I keep hidden in there. I still remember the smile on Alanna’s face as she gave them to me, each of them folded out of gifted printer paper because origami paper wasn’t something we could afford.

I open it up, my finger tracing over her handwriting. Hug, it reads. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have Alanna in my arms today, a sweet smile on her face as she leans in to kiss me. She told me that she’d hoped these one hundred cranes would last me until she was able to fold me a thousand, and I’m starting to run low.

Each time missing her becomes too hard to bear, I unfold one of her little cranes, imagining her right by my side as I show her the writing on it and cash in my coupon. It’s torture. It’s a reminder of everything I should have had with her, but simultaneously, it’s the one thing that makes me feel closer to her.

Today marks five years since Alanna went missing, and I only have three paper cranes left. Maybe I’m crazy, but a small part of me is still convinced I’ll find her before I give into temptation and unfold the last one.

What would she think if I told her I founded my entire company in an effort to find her? She still is at the core of everything I do, everything I am. Sinclair Security is the result of my search for her. Starting off with only private investigation services, we’ve grown to encompass all kinds of security, yet we still haven’t accomplished our main aim. Finding Alanna.

According to our case file, she was in a car accident five years ago. We traced back her movements until several months after her accident, after which the trail ran cold. Seven months after her accident, Alanna disappeared entirely, and I haven’t been able to find her since.

I know every detail about her case by heart. She was flown to an out-of-state hospital due to the extent of her injuries, making it impossible for me to find her at any of the hospitals near us.

Legally not being family made it even harder to enquire about her whereabouts. I still distinctly remember walking into the police station to file a missing person report, and they wouldn’t help me, purely because Alanna and I were both homeless. I can still hear their voices mocking me, telling me I was wasting taxpayer resources on someone who probably just left me. Over time, I’ve started to wonder if perhaps they were right.

After all, she was released a few weeks after her car accident, but she never came back to me. The accident report states that her phone was run over, but she memorized my phone number in case of emergency, so why did she never call me?

I look up at the sound of my office door opening and frown. Amy, my secretary, never walks in unannounced, especially not a day like today.

She looks at me with wide eyes, a hint of panic in them. “Boss, I have an update for you on Project Sunshine.”

My heart sinks as a thousand fears fight for dominance over my thoughts. I’ve had recurring nightmares about Alanna, and the ones in which I didn’t find her were better than the ones in which I did. In some of my dreams, she simply just walked away from me, from us, agreeing with the words I uttered that day, words I’ve regretted every second since. In other dreams, I don’t find her alive at all.

Amy smiles, her eyes twinkling. “We found her.”

I rise from my seat, my eyes widening. Alanna. “Where is she?” I grab my suit jacket and slip it on, intent on finding her this very second. It’s been five years. Five years without Alanna. Alanna’s disappearance was Sinclair’s Security’s first project, and it has to date been our only unresolved case. Until now.

“Where is she?” I repeat, my tone harsh.

“Astor College,” Amy tells me.

Astor College? That’s only a few minutes from my office. “How is that possible? We were monitoring student applications, weren’t we?”

Amy nods. “We were, but she didn’t show up in any of our systems. Boss… the only reason we found her is because she applied for a job at Sinclair Security. She specifically applied to join the Ψ division. We were able to use her job application details to figure out her location.”

“What is her current exact location?” I ask. I just need to see her. The rest can wait.

Amy glances at her watch. “Her lecture is finishing in about ten minutes, after which she’ll head to the coffee shop on campus where she’s currently working part time. I will email you the exact location.”

I nod and rush out of the office, impatience dictating my every move. I’ve waited five years to see her again. I can’t wait a second longer. I don’t care where she’s been or why she’s stayed away, so long as I get her back in my life. I need some answers, but more importantly, I need to see for myself that she’s safe.

I walk into the small coffee shop on campus in a rush, nerves thrumming through my veins. Alanna is nowhere to be seen as I pick a seat in the back, and I glance at my watch impatiently.

Nostalgia washes over me as I listen to the chatter around me while I wait. How many times did I politely refuse to come here with my classmates because I couldn’t afford the coffee here? I studied at Astor College for four years and today is the first day I’ll be having a drink here. This is the college Alanna always wanted to attend, so I shouldn’t be surprised she ended up here. What I don’t understand is why she never even called. Why did she walk away from me without a word? What happened after that accident to make her stay away?

A shiver runs down my spine all of a sudden, and I know. I just know Alanna walked in. My lips tip up into a smile as I turn toward the entrance, my heart in full fucking disarray when I see her. Long dark hair, the same hazel eyes I’ve always loved. Five years, and there she is.

Alanna pauses halfway toward the barista counter, her eyes finding mine, and everything fades away. Fuck. It’s been so long since I looked into those beautiful eyes of hers, and every feeling I thought had dimmed comes rushing back in full force. She still looks the same, except a little older, a little more mature, a little more beautiful.

She smiles tightly, not a single hint of recognition in her gaze as she walks past me. It isn’t until she disappears into the staff room that I realize the only reason I caught her attention is because I stood up in the middle of a crowded room, staring at her. She didn’t seem to recognize me at all. What the fuck?

My heart twists painfully as I sit back down, my thoughts reeling. How could this be? She looked at me as though I’m a complete stranger. Something isn’t right. That wasn’t just her ignoring an ex. She didn’t recognize me.

I bite down on my lip harshly as I dial Amy’s number. “Please double check Alanna’s medical files,” I tell her the moment she picks up. “Something isn’t right. She doesn’t seem to recognize me at all, Amy. Her reports mentioned a bad concussion but I never read anything about amnesia. Check if Alanna was ever referred to anyone else, other than her main doctor. If so, have him brought to our interrogation room. Something is wrong with her.”

I end the call when Alanna walks up to the counter, switching places with her colleague. I’m nervous as hell as I approach her, unsure what I’m even hoping for. It’s been five years, so it’s not as though I expected to pick back up where we left off, but I’m feeling oddly unsettled.

“Hi,” she says as I walk up to the counter, a friendly smile on her face. My lips drop to her mouth, a memory of her kissing my neck coming to mind. Does she truly not remember me? How could that be possible?

“Hey,” I mutter awkwardly. “Can I have a long black, please?”

She looks into my eyes, and for a split second, I see something flicker in her eyes, but then she shakes it off and tears her gaze away. “Of course,” she says, ringing me up.

My hopes are thoroughly dashed when she hands me the receipt and moves away to make my drink, not even remotely hesitating or lingering. I’m just another customer to her. I’ve been looking for her for years, not a day going by without me thinking of her, and here she is… staring at me as though I’m no one to her.

Alanna’s colleague leans into her, a smile on her face. “Hey,” she says. “Is your boyfriend picking you up again later? Your shift ends pretty late today.”

Alanna nods, and my stomach lurches. The pain that sears through me has me placing a steadying hand on the counter. Boyfriend? What fucking boyfriend? What the fuck is going on?

Alanna’s colleague takes my drink from her and walks over to the end of the counter I’m standing at, a flirtatious smile on her face. “I haven’t seen you before,” she murmurs. “Are you a new professor?”

I shake my head and take the cup from her with trembling hands. All I can think about as I walk back to my little table are the words I just overheard. Not only does the love of my fucking life not remember me… she’s also dating someone else. Out of all the scenarios I imagined when I finally found her again, this never even occurred to me.