Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I flex my fingers a few times, trying to relieve the soreness from the hours and hours of folding I just did. It’s not much, but the hundred paper cranes staring back at me make for the perfect birthday gift.

We usually exchange our real gifts for the year on my birthday underneath the tree, but every year so far, I’ve tried to give Silas something small and nice on his birthday. Last year, I got him a really nice pen to use during his finals. I never used to get him something so expensive that he’d feel burdened and always made sure it was something useful. This year I can’t afford to buy him anything, but I’m hoping he’ll still love the paper cranes.

I tense when the doorknob rattles, and seconds later, Silas walks in. I scramble off the bed, trying my hardest to hide my cranes, but that just sends them flying everywhere. “Si! Why are you home? You had a late seminar today, didn’t you?”

He leans back against the door and grins as his eyes roam over my disheveled state. I spent all day in an old t-shirt of his, letting my hair air dry into the wavy mess it is now. I’d been planning to get all dolled up before he got back, but it too late now.

“I love you, Ray,” he says simply, his eyes sparkling.

I pause and grin up at him. “Happy birthday, Si. I know I said it this morning, but I was still half asleep, so it doesn’t count.” I walk up to him and throw my arms around his neck as I rise to my tiptoes. “Happy birthday,” I whisper against his lips, right before kissing him.

Si groans and slips his hands underneath my t-shirt and around my waist. “Wanna tell me what happened to our bedroom?”

I turn in his embrace and lean back against him. “These,” I tell him, “are paper cranes. I read somewhere that folding a thousand paper cranes will grant you a wish.”

I turn back around to look at him, trying to keep the somberness off my face. “I made them out of twenty-five sheets of printer paper Ricardo was willing to give me, but he couldn’t spare any more. So while this isn’t the thousand cranes I wanted to make you, it’s a beginning.” I grab one off the floor and hold it up for him. “And! And and and, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to give you a thousand cranes for your birthday this year, I made these cranes really special. Folding a thousand cranes might grant you one big wish, but each of these hundred cranes will grant you one small wish.” I unfold one and show it to him. It’s got the word Kiss written on it, and Silas takes it from me with a smile.

“They’re coupons?”

“That sounds so lame. These are way cooler than that.”

He chuckles and cups my cheek. “I love them. Thank you, Ray.”

I look into his eyes, my smile fading away. “I know it’s been tough, the two of us in this small room, so much of our future uncertain. You haven’t been getting very far with your job applications and I haven’t heard back about any of my scholarships. Your deal with Ricardo comes to an end once you graduate, and that will change everything for us. Right now, we don’t know where we’ll be or where we’ll live. I know you’re worried, Si. Despite that, you continue to put our happiness first. These,” I gesture around at the cranes, “are my attempt to help. When you feel like our circumstances are impacting our relationship, open one of these cranes. When I upset you, or when you’ve had a hard day, or even when we just had a silly argument because we’re both too stressed, open one up. One day, when we don’t need to worry about the cost of origami paper, I’ll make you a thousand, and I’ll make one big wish. Hopefully, I can do that before you run out of your hundred cranes.”

He buries his hands in my hair and smiles down at me. “What would your one big wish be?”

“For you to be happy,” I say without a single doubt. “Not the kind of happiness that we have now, but the kind that we dream of. Us having a home of our own and not having to check the prices of anything in the grocery store. That kind of happiness.”

Si nods, a sweet smile on his face. “We’ll get there, Alanna. You and I. We’ll have a home of our own sooner than you think. It’s only a matter of time until I find a job, and when I do, I can find us a place to live. It might just be a tiny little studio, but it’ll be ours. I’ll go to work every day, and you’ll go to college thanks to the scholarship I know you’ll receive. Step by step, we’ll build the life of our dreams, you and I. Per aspera ad astra.”

I nod, my heart filled with cautious hope. “I can’t wait,” I whisper. “I’m already so happy with you, Si. When I lost Dad and everything that came with it, I didn’t… I thought I’d never feel okay again. I was so scared to approach you, terrified I’d become just another burden to you, but instead, you’ve given me back my smile when I thought the tears would never stop falling. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you for everything you’ve done for me.”

He leans in and presses a kiss to my forehead. “Let’s not keep score, baby. If we did, I’d come out at a loss. Before you, my life revolved around revenge and regaining everything I lost. It’s all I could think about. I was so focused on it, that I forgot to live in the present. I kept thinking to myself I’d only be happy once I regained ownership of my home and the cottage by the blossom tree. Every single night, I went to bed dreaming of owning my father’s company and leaving my stepmother penniless like she did me. It wasn’t until you walked into my life that I realized I was poisoning myself, punishing myself far more than my stepmother ever could. If not for you, I’d let years pass me by without truly living, always waiting for a moment of revenge, after which I’d no doubt be left feeling as empty as I did before you. So, Ray, you don’t owe me anything, except for this.” He holds up the unfolded crane and smirks. “You owe me a kiss.”

I smirk as I rise to my tiptoes and kiss my boyfriend with all I’ve got. Our future may be uncertain, but one thing I know for sure is that we’ll be together.