Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I lean against the doorway as I watch Alanna wash a huge stack of dishes. She’s been trying to make herself useful all morning, a hint of discomfort and fear in her demeanor. I know exactly how she feels. I still remember how I felt when I lost the sense of safety and comfort a home gives you.

“Alanna.”

She turns around and turns off the tap before pulling her gloves off. “Silas?”

“Follow me.”

She freezes and nods slowly as she walks toward me. Ricardo tasked me with Alanna’s intake process, and part of that includes discussing her future with her. We require all of our long-term residents to have a feasible plan to get back on their feet, so whether I like it or not, I’m going to have to ask Alanna what exactly happened, and how she’s going to escape this place. I hate having to ask this of her, because it’s clear she’s not ready to talk, but I have no choice. Ricardo won’t allow her to stay another night if she doesn’t comply with our terms.

I close the door to our small office behind her and gesture toward the seat opposite the desk Ricardo and I share. She seems nervous, and I can’t shake the dread I feel as I take my seat.

“Si,” she murmurs. “I know what you need to ask me, and it’s okay. I’ll tell you everything.”

I exhale in relief and sit back as she gathers her courage. Alanna knows our procedures as well as I do, and I’m grateful for it.

My heart breaks as she tells me about everything she tried to keep from me. The insurance company, the debt, the eviction notices, the repossession of her house and the sale of her father’s beloved truck. She’s been through so much in the last couple of weeks, and she did it all alone.

I clench my fist underneath the desk, my heart aching for her even as a strange sense of anger washes over me. Why didn’t she rely on me? Does she truly see me as someone so useless that she didn’t even consider asking me to stand by her as her entire life fell apart?

“I have to ask you how you’re going to get out of this, Alanna. I can let you stay in my room for as long as you need to, but I can’t share any of the shelter’s resources with you long-term without proper registration.”

She nods and looks away. “I came to an agreement with the insurance company, so I no longer owe them anything, but I also have nothing left to my name. I’ll start looking for jobs today. I’m pretty sure I saw a job listing at the supermarket near here recently.”

I shake my head. “That isn’t a long-term plan, Alanna. You had an offer from Astor College, didn’t you?”

She nods and looks down at her lap. “I did, but I can no longer afford to attend. I’m no longer eligible for any loans because of the debt I incurred, and I didn’t have any scholarships.”

“If nothing else, you should attend community college, Alanna. We’ll start looking into scholarships and loans tonight, okay? You can get a part-time job if you want, but you can’t just give up on college entirely.”

She nods, even though she looks hesitant. “Come on,” I tell her as I rise to my feet. “I’ll lend you the laptop Ricardo got me for college. Start looking into the options, and we’ll discuss them once I get off work. How about that?”

Alanna looks up at me, her expression forlorn. I can tell she’s trying her hardest to keep it together, and I’m so proud of the strength she’s portrayed so far.

Alanna is silent as I walk her back to my bedroom. “I’ll get you a duplicate key.”

“Silas,” she says, turning toward me as the door closes behind us. “I can’t stay here with you. If I become a resident, I should sleep in the big hall. I really don’t want to inconvenience you, and I feel like I’m invading your privacy.”

I take a step closer to her, and she takes a step back, until she’s pressed up against the door. “Alanna,” I murmur. Her eyes widen, and I smile as I rest my forearm against the door, right beside her face. “You sleeping in the big hall would be a huge inconvenience for me, because I’d hate having to worry about you. Besides, you sleeping with me means we can offer someone else a bed. There are no downsides to this for me, but if you’re uncomfortable with us sharing a bed, just let me know. I can see if I can arrange a sleeping bag for myself. I’ll just sleep on the floor. It isn’t a problem at all.”

“No! You can’t do that, Silas. I’m okay with sharing a bed, but I just didn’t want to bother you. Si… I just… I’m worried you’ll start to dislike me if I depend on you too much. I don’t want to be a burden to you. You’re all I’ve got left.”

My heart skips a beat at her words, and I sigh as I drop my forehead to hers. Now, more than ever, I wish I could properly take her into my arms and make her see that she’d never be a burden to me. Living the way I do means having to become selfish, but she’s my only exception. I just wish she knew that.

Alanna’s eyes fall closed, and I inhale shakily when she wraps her arms around my waist. I hesitate for a moment before pushing my body against hers, hugging her back. I thread my hand through her hair and hold her tightly, my need for her making every other thought fade away.

“You’ve got me, baby. You’ll always have me. I get how hard it is to rely on someone when you’ve never had to do that before, but I swear to you, nothing would make me happier than you letting me be there for you, okay? It isn’t charity, it isn’t pity.” It’s love.

Alanna nods and turns her head, her lips brushing against my neck. A shiver runs down my spine, and I pull away from her before I start to want more than she’s willing to give me.

“I need to get back to work,” I murmur. “Start looking at scholarships, and we’ll go through them together later, okay?”

Alanna nods, her eyes on mine. For the first time since I found her in the sleeping hall, those beautiful eyes of hers are filled with cautious hope. For now, that’s enough.