Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I jump up from the bed when the door opens and Si walks in. He looks exhausted. I never quite realized just how hard he works every day. “Hey,” he says, his voice soft. “Did you get some research done?”

I nod. “I made a spreadsheet with all available scholarships and their eligibility criteria, and I’ve already started drafting some essays, too.”

He smiles, a hint of pride sparkling in his eyes. “Good girl,” he murmurs, and my heart skips a beat. I know he means it as a compliment, so why do those words make me feel so flustered?

“Wait for me, okay? I just need to take a quick shower, and then I want to see this spreadsheet of yours.”

I nod and watch him disappear through the bathroom door, my heart racing. Somehow, tonight feels different from last night. When I first walked into the shelter, I was so filled with worry and shame that I didn’t have the emotional capacity to think of anything else. Tonight, all I can think of is the way I woke up in Silas’s arms, and the fact that we’re about to share a bed again. There’s so much left unsaid between us, and part of me wants to ask about the drawing he gave me on my eighteenth birthday, yet a larger part of me doesn’t dare to. Not now. Not considering the situation we’re in.

I’m startled out of my thoughts when Silas walks out of the bathroom in nothing but his towel, a few drops of water dripping down from his shoulder to his abs. I bite down on my lip, unable to tear my gaze away. I know Silas has always used exercise as an escape, but I never realized just how strong his body is. He’s even sexier than he was in my fantasies.

“Alanna,” he groans, his voice different to usual.

I drag my eyes up to his, only to find him looking at me in a way he never has before. My heart starts to race, and heat rushes to my cheeks. Silas runs a hand through his hair, and the movement just draws my eyes back to his abs. He clears his throat as he rushes toward his wardrobe, and I finally snap out of it when he walks back to the bathroom with a change of clothes in his arms.

My cheeks are still flaming when he emerges fully dressed, and I struggle to meet his eyes. He totally just caught me checking him out, in the worst way.

“Let’s see it,” he says, and my eyes snap up to his. Si smiles and shakes his head. “The spreadsheet, Ray.”

“Oh!” I bite down on my lip, praying my cheeks aren’t as flushed as I suspect they are. My heart is hammering in my chest as Si sits down next to me, the scent of his body wash invading my senses.

He leans into me and looks over my shoulder. Having him so close is wreaking havoc on my senses. It’s insane just how soothing his presence is when it’s simultaneously got my heart racing a thousand miles an hour.

“This looks really good, baby. It looks like there actually are quite a few you can apply to. I’m not sure it’ll be enough to attend Astor College, but I think it’ll be enough for community college. Maybe, if you really want to, you could transfer to Astor College at a later time. I’m not sure if it’s possible, but I wouldn’t rule it out.”

I turn my face toward his, my lips accidentally brushing over his jaw. Silas inhales sharply, his eyes finding mine. He’s so close that I could just tilt my face and kiss him. How would he respond if I did that?

Just a few weeks ago, he told me he’d been wanting to kiss me for far longer than I could’ve imagined, and I wonder if that’s still the case. Does he see me differently now, or does he still feel the same way about me?

“Alanna,” he whispers. Silas clears his throat and pulls away a little, disappointment hitting me hard. “Let’s see some of the essays you’ve drafted. Ideally, I really want you to apply for these tomorrow morning.”

I nod, and together we rework some of my essays. Silas is so patient as he points out what I should or shouldn’t include. He’s clearly exhausted, yet he’s taking his time with me.

I’m so worried that he’s going to get tired of me. I used to be the girl who understood his world, but wasn’t part of it. I allowed him to escape this shelter, and now I’m the person trapping him here.

“Promise me you’ll submit as many as you can tomorrow? Don’t even think of trying to find a part-time job before you do that, okay?”

I nod. “I promise.”

“Good girl,” he murmurs. “I’ll take you out on a date tomorrow evening, provided you finish up all of your applications.”

My head snaps up, and Silas chuckles as he gently brushes my hair out of my face, his hand lingering. The back of his fingers trail over my cheek, and my heart starts to race when he looks at me the way he did on my birthday. “Silly girl,” he whispers. “Stop overthinking, okay? Nothing has changed between us. You’re still my Ray, and you always will be. I know that being here is tough for you, but it’s a dream come true for me. Do you have any idea how much I’ve missed speaking to you before bed?”

Silas pushes against my shoulder, and I fall back on his bed. “I’ve imagined this, Alanna. Your long hair spread all over my pillows just like that. I still want everything I told you I wanted. The way I see you hasn’t changed in the slightest. If anything, I just adore you even more. The strength and resilience you’ve shown me inspires and astounds me. I thought you were amazing before, but this? There aren’t many people who would handle everything you’ve been through with as much grace as you have. How many people would pay outstanding wages of employees when they have absolutely no obligation to do so? Alanna, in my eyes, you’ve only become more beautiful.”

“Then why… why…”

He smiles at me and turns to lean over me, his body hovering on top of mine. “Why what, baby? What is it you want?”

My cheeks flush, and I tear my gaze away from his.

“Look at me, Ray,” he pleads, his voice soft.

I give in, my eyes finding his. “I once told you that it’s when you’re at your weakest that people are most likely to take advantage of you. Do you remember that?”

I nod, my heart thumping loudly. He’s so close, and I’m so tempted to pull him fully on top of me. I get what he’s saying, but it’s different for us. “You wouldn’t be taking advantage of me,” I promise him. “You’d just be keeping a silent promise you made me on my birthday.”

He smirks and drops his forehead to mine, his breathing uneven. “You make a compelling argument.”

“Then don’t keep me waiting,” I whisper.

Silas pulls away a little before pressing a lingering kiss to my forehead. “Go to bed, baby girl. Let me take you on a date tomorrow. I know how important firsts are to you, so let me do this right, okay? I want you to remember our first kiss for the rest of our lives, so let me make it special.”

Silas pulls away, and I watch him as he runs a hand through his hair, his expression tormented. I can’t help but chuckle at the sight of him. He wants this as much as I do, yet he insists on doing it right. If I could fall any deeper in love with him, I would.