Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I blink slowly and snuggle closer before freezing suddenly, memories of last night coming to mind. I tense in Silas’s embrace when I become aware of his naked chest underneath my cheek, his arms wrapped tightly around me. I push away from him, and he startles awake.

“Ray,” he says, his voice low and sexy. This is how he always sounded on the phone, right before he fell asleep.

Silas sits up, facing me, a lazy smile on his face. I’ve missed him more than I dare to admit. It broke my heart each time I declined one of his calls, and I know I’ve hurt him too.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

Silas reaches for me and cups my cheek, his touch gentle. “Don’t be sorry, Ray. I’m just glad that you’re okay, that you’re safe.”

He runs a hand through his hair and sighs, drawing my attention to his chest and abs. I remember he was wearing a t-shirt when we went to bed… did I do something to him in my sleep?

Silas catches me staring and grins. “Sorry, Ray. I’m not used to wearing clothes to bed, so I must have taken my t-shirt off in my sleep. The less I wear to bed, the less washing I need to do, you know?”

I nod. “Right.” I suppose those are the kind of lessons I’ll learn the hard way too. “I’m sorry, Si. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable in your own bed. I—”

“You didn’t,” he interrupts. “I’d be far more uncomfortable lying here knowing you’re out in the big hall all by yourself, vulnerable.”

I nod and look down. “Thank you,” I whisper. This is exactly what I wanted to prevent. Silas already has so much on his plate. The last thing I want to be to him is yet another burden. I knew he’d want to help, and he and I both know he’s not in a position to do so.

“Ray, where have you been? Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been?”

I nod. “I’m sorry. I wanted to talk to you, but I… I just couldn’t.”

He looks hurt for a moment and clenches his jaw as he looks away. “I wish you’d leaned on me, Alanna. Don’t you see that I want to be the person you turn to? I get that there isn’t much I can do, but if nothing else, won’t you let me be the person who gets to be by your side when life is tough?”

He bites down on his lips as though there’s more he wants to say, but can’t.

“Letting others be there for us is a way of offering consolation too,” I murmur, my voice barely above a whisper. That is what he told me the day we met at the cemetery.

Silas looks up, his eyes flashing with surprise. “You remember?”

I nod and look away as I wrap my arms around myself. “I remember everything about you, Si.”

“That feels like a lifetime ago. I was a different person then.”

I shake my head. “You’ve always been that person to me. The one who cheered me up on one of the worst days of my life and gave me the strength to keep going. You still have that same effect on me… except now I no longer want to be a little girl who needs you.”

He looks at me, his gaze intense. “You’re far from a little girl now, aren’t you, sweet girl?”

I nod, heat rushing to my cheeks. “Yeah,” I whisper.

Silas reaches for my hand and entwines our fingers before raising our joined hands to his chest. “I never considered you needy, Alanna. You have never been a burden to me. You’re my guiding light, my ray of sunshine on days where the darkness feels inescapable. I’m worried about you, baby.”

The pain in his eyes hits me right in my beaten, battered heart. He isn’t pitying me. He’s asking me for consolation. “Si,” I whisper. I need this as badly as he does, but I’m not sure I can say the words. I’ve been living in denial even as I deal with the consequences of my father’s choices. I suppose that is part of the reason I avoided talking to Silas, because he’d ask me what happened, and I wouldn’t be able to tell him anything but the full truth. “My father arranged his own assassination so he could commit insurance fraud for my benefit,” I tell him, the words tumbling out of my mouth in one swift gush of courage. “He might not have fired that gun, but he took his own life, just like my mother did.”

Hot tears fill my eyes, and though I try to blink them away angrily, they run down my cheeks nonetheless. I can’t look at Silas, scared of the disgust or horror I might see in his eyes. What my father did was horrible, yet I can’t be mad at him, not truly.

Silas pulls me closer, wrapping me in a tight embrace, and I fall apart in his strong arms. Loud, painful sobs tear through my throat as I burst into tears. “I… I don’t k-know what to do,” I sob, my entire body shaking with the force of my grief.

Silas tightens his grip on me and buries one hand in my hair, pressing my face deeper into his neck as he holds me tightly. “Ray,” he whispers, his voice sounding as broken as mine. “We’re going to figure this out, okay? You’re going to be okay.”

He strokes my back soothingly, keeping the broken pieces of me together as I fall apart in his arms. “I won’t,” I whisper. “I won’t ever be okay again.”

He squeezes me tightly and shakes his head. “One step at a time, my love. We’re going to move forward one step at a time, until someday, you look back in surprise at how far you’ve come. I’ll be there with you every step of the way. You and I, Alanna. We’re going to make it. We’re going to defy the odds.” He tightens his grip on my hair and pulls away a little to look at me. “You might feel like you’re all alone, and like you’ve lost everything, but you haven’t, Alanna. You’ve got me, and I’m not going anywhere.”

I look into his eyes, taking in the fierce determination, the affection, and a tiny fraction of my broken heart starts to beat again.

“I promise, Alanna. We’ll get through this together, okay?”

I nod. Silas is the last person I wanted to burden with my problems, but he’s the one person I need most. I just hope I don’t drag him down with me.