Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I stare at my phone, watching it ring, knowing she won’t pick up the phone. Alanna has been declining my calls for weeks now, and I’m worried. I’ve walked all over town, going to every single place she could possibly be, yet I can’t find her. I even went to her school, only to be told that they let her take a few weeks off on compassionate grounds.

I look up at the sound of knocking on my door and end the call with a sigh. “Come in,” I shout, knowing it can only be Ricardo.

He opens the door, his expression grave as he leans in the doorway. “Silas. She’s here.”

I jump up from my bed, my eyes widening. “Alanna?”

He nods. “She asked me for a place to stay, so I pointed her toward the sleeping hall. She was distraught, to say the least, and the backpack she’s carrying seems to be all she’s got. I don’t know what happened, but it doesn’t look good.”

I nod and run a hand through my hair. “She can’t stay in the sleeping hall. It isn’t safe for her. She isn’t used to this, and she…” She’s too beautiful. I’m worried about her safety.

Ricardo nods. “I know, but there’s nowhere else for her to stay. I’ve already broken the rules by not making her fill out all the required paperwork tonight, and I didn’t even check her bag. I can’t break even more rules.”

He looks down for a moment before looking back at me, his gaze meaningful as he glances past me, at my bed. My bedroom is mine, no strings attached. There is no rule against me bringing someone back here, so there should be no problem with me letting Alanna have my bed. The words he can’t say are registering loud and clear.

I nod at him, and he breathes a sigh of relief as he nods back at me. Ricardo lets the door fall closed as he walks away, and I stare at it for a moment. Part of me is scared to go find her. For Alanna to have come here for shelter means she must have been through hell and back in the last couple of weeks. She knows how rough the living conditions are here. She wouldn’t be here if she had any other choice, and I know how prideful she is. It’s possible she won’t want to see me tonight.

I inhale shakily and walk toward the door resolutely. I won’t risk her getting hurt or being robbed in her sleep, simply to save her pride.

My heart races as I walk to the sleeping hall I spent every night in for two years. I’ve purposely never entered this room at night since I got a bedroom of my own. Escaping this place was one of the hardest things I’ve done, yet here I am, walking back in here willingly. For her.

I spot her almost immediately. Even in her darkest hour, she shines brightly. I watch her for a moment, taking in the despair in her eyes, the way she stares at the bunk bed in front of her in disbelief. She looks so broken, so unlike the girl I’ve fallen in love with, yet there is still so much strength in her posture. She’s beautiful, perhaps even more so now than before.

I watch as one of the men hops off his bed and approaches her, his expression spelling trouble. Alanna tenses, and a rush of pure venom rushes through me as I walk toward her. He leers at her, and I lock my jaw.

“Alanna,” I snap, my tone harsher than I intended. She turns to face me, her eyes filled with regret, as though she wishes she could have avoided me tonight. She can barely meet my eyes, her lashes hiding those brilliant hazel irises of hers before I’ve truly had a chance to take them in.

I pause in front of her and lift my index finger to her chin, tipping her face up toward mine. Her lashes rise slowly, reluctantly, her gaze filled with defiance. Even with those dark circles underneath her eyes and the defeat she’s coated in, she takes my breath away.

“Silas.”

Fuck. It’s been so long since I last heard her say my name, and never before has she said it with such need. I doubt she even realizes that her voice betrays her.

“Come with me.”

She shakes her head and looks away, refusing to face me.

“That wasn’t a request, Alanna.”

She crosses her arms, and I pull my hand back.

“Last I checked, I was still the House Manager. You know the rules as well as I do. You will follow me.”

She looks at me then, her eyes flashing. “Last I checked, you had no right to abuse your authority.”

The edges of my lips turn up into a reluctant smile that I instantly suppress. “Alanna,” I murmur, my tone softer. I reach for her hand, entwining it with mine before I pull her along. Thankfully, she doesn’t resist.

I lead her to my room, my heart uneasy. I haven’t heard from her in weeks, and it hurts that she never thought to rely on me, to at least inform me of what she was going through. Part of me is angry with her, but a larger part of me is just relieved to see her again.

I push my bedroom door open and lead her in. The moment the door closes behind us, I pull on our entwined hands, pulling her closer until I’ve got her in my embrace. She looks up at me, her eyes filled with devastating pain that I wish I could take away.

“Where were you?”

She looks away and shakes her head.

“Why didn’t you at least call me? Do you have any idea how worried I was?”

She pushes against my chest, and I take a step away, releasing her. I run a hand through my hair, unsure what to do or say. I’ve been in her situation before, and I get it. I get that she doesn’t want to talk, that she closed herself off to the world as it came crashing down on her, but fuck. It fucking hurts. It hurts that I wasn’t the person she reached out to, the one she let in, the one that held her together when her heart was breaking.

I turn away from her and stare up at the ceiling for a moment, taking a deep breath in an effort to calm my racing heart. “Sleep here tonight,” I tell her, my voice betraying the defeat I feel. “You can have my bed. I’ll take your spot in the sleeping hall.”

“No, Silas. You said you’d never spend another night there. I won’t be the reason you break that promise to yourself.”

I turn back to face her and sigh. “Alanna,” I whisper. “Take the bed. You aren’t putting yourself in a dangerous situation on my watch, you hear me? You aren’t walking back into that hall tonight.”

She looks up at me, her expression disarmed. “Neither are you.” Alanna looks past me, her gaze lingering on my bed. “There’s enough room for us both.”

My eyes widen, and my first instinct is to argue with her, but this is a battle I know I can’t win. She won’t stay here if I don’t. Her pride won’t allow her to. “Fine.”

Her shoulders sag in relief, and her eyes fall closed for a moment. I watch her every movement, still in disbelief that she’s standing here with me tonight.

“There’s a small bathroom through that door. It isn’t much, but it’s private. I’ve got a spare towel for you.”

She nods and smiles at me, her expression showcasing her exhaustion. “Thank you, Silas.” Her voice trembles, a hint of shame in it that goes straight to my heart. Everything about tonight kills me. I get that I’m the last person she wants to show this side of her to, but I really wish she would. I wish she’d rely on me.

“Go on,” I murmur, handing her a towel. I place my palm on her lower back and push her toward my tiny bathroom. She glances back at me once before disappearing through the door, and I sink down on my bed, my thoughts reeling.

This is the very last thing I expected. What is she doing here? What the fuck happened for her to end up here? Though I try my hardest, I can’t escape the way my heart aches at the thought of her finding herself all alone, with nowhere to go but this shelter. I vividly remember the day I first walked into this building, and it isn’t an experience I’d wish on anyone. I’d give the world to ensure it never happened to her.

I straighten when Alanna walks out wearing leggings and a loose t-shirt, her cheeks rosy. She pauses halfway and looks up at me, her insecurity shining through. “Let’s go to bed,” I murmur, knowing she won’t want to talk. It must be awkward enough for her as it is. I won’t make it worse, even though I desperately need answers.

I fold my bed covers over and tip my head toward the bed. My bed is pressed against the wall, and though it’s a queen-size, I barely fit in it by myself. It’ll be a squeeze with both of us in here.

Alanna hesitates for a moment before walking toward me, both of us tensing when she crawls into bed. I rise to my feet and turn the light off before joining her in bed, trying my hardest to keep some distance from her.

I listen to the sound of her breathing, my heart shattering as it becomes more ragged, a soft sniff disturbing the silence that surrounds us.

She turns toward me, and I open my arms for her. Alanna bursts into tears, and I hold her as tightly as I can, her face buried in my neck. “Silas,” she cries, her entire body rocking from the force of her sobs.

I rub her back soothingly, my own heart breaking alongside hers. “Per aspera ad astra, remember?” I whisper. “Through adversity to the stars. I know everything feels hopeless, and I know you’re hurting, my love. I know. Just remember that this type of hardship will pass. It might not feel that way, but it will. Your path still leads straight to the stars. You’re just taking a detour, that’s all. Everything is going to be okay.”

She nods and tightens her grip on me, hugging me with all her strength. “It just hurts so much.”

“I know,” I whisper, wishing I could take her pain away and make it my own instead. “I know, baby.”

I hold her until her sobs die down and her breathing steadies, my arms wrapped tightly around her as she cries herself to sleep. I wish I could take away her sorrow and give her back her smile. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know it’s filled with adversity before she and I reach the stars.