Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I smile when Alanna pulls up at the shelter. She gets out of the car, and my heart starts to race. Fucking hell. She looks stunning tonight. I thought she looked irresistible on her birthday last year, but she looks even more beautiful tonight… and I’m pretty sure that tight black dress is all for me.

“Happy birthday, Ray,” I murmur. “I didn’t get to say it to you in person yesterday. The phone call doesn’t count.”

She walks up to me, and for a moment I think she’ll hug me, but then she holds her car keys up for me. “Thank you, Si,” she says, her cheeks rosy. Things have been different between us lately. It’s almost like we’re both at our breaking point, neither of us able to keep up this act much longer.

I don’t think I can pretend not to want her tonight. Not when she looks like that. Not when I’m taking her back to the tree my mother and I planted. I wrap my hand around her car keys and open the passenger door for her.

“I wish I could’ve spent yesterday with you,” she tells me as I get into the car, and I shake my head.

“No, beautiful. You’ve been looking forward to having dinner with your dad for so long now. I’m glad you finally got to go.”

She looks at me, her gaze lingering. “I want to take you there someday, Si. Will you let me?”

I tighten my grip on the steering wheel, feeling conflicted. I want to be the person she goes out with, but I can’t afford to take her on a date. I don’t mind her picking up the bill every once in a while, but I can’t in good conscience go when I know I’ll never be able to do the same for her. I don’t ever want her to feel like I’m using her, and this would quickly become a slippery slope.

“Someday,” I promise her. Someday soon, I’ll be able to take her wherever she wants to go. I’m only a year away from graduating, and if all goes well, I’ll find a nice entry-level IT job. It might not pay much, but it should be enough to get a small place of my own. Now, more than ever, I’m desperate to get out of the shelter.

“How was it? Tell me all about it.” Yesterday was the first day in weeks that we didn’t talk to each other for very long. She came home late and fell asleep minutes into our phone call.

“Si, it was just the best. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Dad so happy before, and the food was just amazing. It’d been so long since we spent some quality time together, and it felt just like old times. It was the first time in forever that he didn’t seem stressed.”

I love this about her. She went to one of the most expensive restaurants in town, and what she was most focused on was her father, and whether he had a good time. She’s something special, and she doesn’t even realize it.

Alanna turns to me, a wide grin on her face. “I almost forgot to tell you! I’ve got a bottle of my own this year. Do you want to guess what’s in it?”

My heart fills with tenderness, and it takes all of me not to stop the car and pull her into my arms. I adore her. There’s no other way to describe this feeling.

“Is it a birthday card?”

Alanna pouts, and I know I guessed correctly. “Si,” she complains. “I know you got me a card too, but the point is to guess correctly what kind of card it is.”

“Who says I got you a card?”

“Wait, what? I thought you were going to draw me a card every year?”

I smile at her and shake my head. “The gift can be different every year. My mother always drew me something, yes, but that doesn’t mean I’ll do the same.”

I feel her gaze on me as I park the car, and I can’t help but smirk. Just being around her makes my heart race. I’ve been fighting this for so long, but I don’t think I have it in me to resist any longer.

“It’s a card, isn’t it?” she asks.

I chuckle as I get out of the car and walk around it to open the door for her. “Only one way to find out, babe.”

I grab her hand and pull her along, the two of us walking toward the tree hand in hand. I rarely touch Alanna. We don’t usually even hug each other in greeting, but tonight is different.

“Si, I might actually die from anticipation. What if I die?”

I bite back my laughter and shake my head. I love that she only shows this dramatic crazy part of herself to me, and no one else. She acts spoiled around me, and poised around everyone else.

“I think you’ll be okay, Ray. But just in case, I’d better dig up that bottle for you, huh?”

She reaches into her handbag and takes out a small gardening shovel, holding it up for me with a triumphant smile. “I came prepared. I’ve got this.”

She drops to her knees in the same spot we were last year, and I shake my head as I take the shovel from her. “Let me,” I murmur. I don’t want her hands to get dirty, and I don’t want her digging up dirt by herself.

She sits on her knees as I retrieve the bottle we buried last year, her eyes wide with excitement. There’s something so beautiful about her, and it isn’t just her looks. It’s the fact that she’s always treated me the same. She’s always treated me as a regular human being, and despite the struggles I face, she’s clearly falling for me as hard as I’m falling for her. I shouldn’t even be on her radar, yet here she is, trespassing with me to dig up a bottle, and it looks like there’s nowhere else she’d rather be.

Alanna gasps when I lift the bottle up, and she all but snatches it from me. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this,” she whispers.

I smile, the feeling bittersweet. “Not as long as I’ve waited.” My words are soft, barely above a whisper, but she hears them nonetheless. She has no idea how hard it’s been to resist her. I kept telling myself that I wouldn’t even consider being with her until she turned eighteen, but the truth is that I’ve been falling for her, little by little, day by day, for two years.

“Can I open it?”

I nod, and Alanna stares at the glass bottle for a moment before finally opening it. She takes out the card and unrolls it, her hands trembling. I watch her closely, my heart pounding. When she looks up at me, her eyes are filled with the same need I’ve been battling.

“It’s us,” she whispers. “Standing underneath this tree.”

I nod.

“You’re kissing me in this drawing.”

I nod again.

“But… you drew this last year. I saw you bury this on my seventeenth birthday.”

I smile and look away. “That’s how long I’ve been wanting to kiss you, Alanna. At the time, you were obsessing over firsts, and you weren’t happy that you didn’t have any of mine, so I gave you this. You and me, this tradition… that was a first, but it wasn’t the one I wanted.”

“What do you want?” she asks, her eyes filled with hope and desire.

“You,” I whisper.

I rise to my feet and pull her up with me. Her eyes widen, and I smile when I pull her closer. “This is how we were standing in the drawing,” I whisper.

She smiles at me, nerves and desire dancing across her eyes. “I was even wearing a similar dress in your drawing. Tell me, Si. Can you see the future?”

I smirk at her and lift my hand to her face, the back of my fingers trailing over her cheek. “I can, and both of ours are entwined, starting today.”

“Is that so?” she whispers, her gaze dropping to my lips. “In that case, I can’t wait for the rest of our lives.”

I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous before, certainly not over something as simple as a kiss, but this is different. I want this to be perfect. I lean in, tilting my face toward hers, a small part of me still scared of crossing the line with her. There’s no going back from this, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to be friends with her anymore.

My lips brush against her, and Alanna freezes, pulling away. I tense and take a step away from her, confused.

“Si, no,” she murmurs. “It’s my phone. It’s buzzing. No one ever actually calls me but my dad, so I have to take it.”

I breathe a sigh of relief as she answers the phone. This isn’t exactly how I saw tonight going. I’ve replayed this evening in my mind countless times, but I never expected to be interrupted at such a critical moment. I’m nervous as hell, and her speaking to her dad isn’t helping. It just reminds me that I shouldn’t be doing this, that I’m not good enough for her.

“What? Which hospital?”

I straighten, instantly on high alert. Alanna’s eyes fill with tears, and by the time she ends the call, I’ve got her keys in my hand. “What happened?”

“They said my dad was injured when someone tried to rob him, and he’s in the hospital. What do I do, Si?”

I wrap my arm around her as I lead her to the car. “I’ll drive you. Come on, let’s go.”

Alanna is barely holding back her panicked sobs as I drive her to the hospital, and I hold her tightly as we walk in, taking the lead. She’s shaking, and she seems in no position to be asking for directions. It takes a moment, but eventually, we find her father’s room.

The two police officers standing in front of it have me instantly worried. “Alanna Jones?” one of them asks. She nods, and the pity in his eyes has me tightening my grip on her. “They tried all they could, Ms. Jones. They couldn’t save your father, but I promise you that my partner and I will do all we can to catch the man who shot him.”

“What?” she asks, her voice breaking. “This… what… it can’t—”

She pulls out of my embrace and rushes into her father’s room. My heart breaks as I follow her in, knowing what I’ll find. “Please,” she begs, her voice breaking.

I watch as she shakes his arm, but it’s too late. He’s gone. I walk up to her and wrap my arm around her waist, offering her silent support as she continues to plead with her father, her tone getting more and more frantic as realization dawns.

“Silas, please,” she pleads, her breathing weighed down by the sobs she’s trying to restrain. She looks at me, and the desperation in her eyes destroys me. “Please wake him up. Please.”

I pull her into me, hugging her tightly, one hand in her hair, and the other around her waist. She struggles in my embrace for a moment, and then she collapses against me, loud sobs tearing through her throat as she falls apart in my arms.

The two of us stand there together, clinging to each other. I’ve never felt more powerless than I do tonight. Her heart is breaking, and there’s nothing I can do.