Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I stare at my parents’ tombstones as my phone rings non-stop. I know that it’s probably Silas calling me, but I don’t have it in me to pick up the phone. The more he speaks to me, the more concerned he gets, and I really don’t want him to worry about me. I sink down to the floor opposite my father’s grave and cross my ankles, unsure where else to go.

The last two weeks have been a blur, and I feel like I’ve just been going through the motions, following Dad’s will. He had plans for every single thing that needed to happen in the event of his death, and all that was left for me to do was execute them. He’d even already contracted the same funeral home that handled Mom’s funeral to ensure they had his wishes on record. There wasn’t much for me to do at all. Part of me is grateful for it, but a small part of me also feels like it robbed me of doing one final thing for my father.

“I miss you,” I whisper. “The police are still trying to find the man that shot you, but I haven’t heard much at all. I feel like I won’t be able to rest easy until that man is caught and brought to justice. Was the money he stole from you really worth a life? I know I shouldn’t, but I hope he has a family that’ll miss him when he’s put in jail, so he’ll feel at least a fraction of the pain I’m feeling.”

I let my eyes fall closed, my face tipped up toward the sky. I watch the clouds move past me, a reminder that the world keeps turning despite the loss that upturned my entire life. “I lost the company,” I whisper, as though I’m scared to even admit it. “The company was declared bankrupt when you died, and there’s nothing I could do about it. Everything you’ve worked for… I wasn’t able to hold on to it. The only thing I’ve been able to do that’d make you proud was paying all your employees their outstanding wages. That, and thanks to that life insurance policy you always insisted you should have, I’ve been able to pay back the loans you took out with the house as collateral, so I haven’t lost our home… but that’s all I’ve really got, Dad. I had no idea just how much debt you were in, but I’ve paid back everything that I became liable for. You’ll be happy to know that the majority of your debt disappeared when you did. It was tied to you, and I didn’t inherit it. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. To be honest, Dad… I don’t know anything at all. I’m lost without you. I’m trying my hardest to figure out what I should be doing, but it’s all so overwhelming. I’m not ready to be an adult. I’m not ready to live a life you aren’t part of.”

I draw my knees up to my chest and drop my head down, inhaling shakily. “Can’t you please come back to me? Please, Dad. You promised me you’d make up for all the lost time, but you haven’t. You left me. I’m glad you’re with Mom now, but I need you.”

I stare at the tombstones, both of my parents side by side. I wish I could hear my father’s voice just one more time. I can barely remember Mom’s voice, and I’m scared Dad is going to become a memory I struggle to recall.

A slight drizzle falls from the sky, and I look up at the clouds above me. Would it matter if I just stay here and let the skies drown me? Would it numb the pain?

I bite down on my lip harshly as I force myself to my feet. I know this isn’t what Dad would have wanted for me, and I can’t lose myself in my pain. I’m not sure how, but one way or another, I need to find a way to keep going.

I’m in a daze as I somehow manage to get myself home, surprised to find the police officer in charge of my father’s case standing on my doorstep, a man dressed in a black suit next to her.

“Ms. Jones?” Officer Thomas says, her voice carrying a hint of compassion. “We found the perpetrator. Would it be okay if we spoke inside?”

I nod and lead them to the living room. “I’m Tom from Vita Insurance,” the man tells me, but Officer Thomas shoots him a look, and he sits back in silence.

“Here’s the thing, Alanna,” she says carefully. “We found the assailant, and he confessed. The problem lies in the confession. Your father… he seems to have arranged his own assassination in order to give you his life insurance money. We’ve looked into it as best as we could, and your father was in tremendous debt. I can only imagine that he saw no way out, and this seemed like the best way to shield you from imminent poverty.”

Tom sits up and starts to tap his foot. “Regardless of his motivations, it’s insurance fraud. It’s essentially assisted suicide, which is specifically excluded in our policies. Since you were the recipient, you’ll have to pay back everything you were given.”

“What?” I murmur, barely comprehending what they’re telling me. Dad… he… he did this? He chose to die, even though he knew how hard it was for us to get past Mom’s death? What did I do that made him think I’d rather live without him than live in poverty?

Officer Thomas holds her hand up and shakes her head. “He’ll still be punished for your father’s death, Alanna. But this complicates matters in terms of the insurance money.”

“It can’t be,” I tell her. “Dad would never in a million years do that. He just wouldn’t. Not after my mother took—” I can’t even finish my sentence. It can’t be.

She nods in understanding. “I promise you that I’ve gone over the evidence myself. The assailant had proof of conversations between your father and him, and there was a paper trail, too. Your father tried his best to hide his tracks, but the evidence is all there. We just didn’t know where to look for it, initially.”

He may not have pulled that trigger, but Dad took his own life, just like Mom did. Why would he do that to me? Why would he leave me here, all alone? He and I were left scarred by Mom’s decision, so how could he, in good conscience, follow her lead?

“We understand that this is an unconventional situation, so the insurance company will work with you to figure out the repayments if you don’t have the full sum anymore.”

I nod, my thoughts still reeling. I thought the loss left me numb, that my heart couldn’t possibly break more, yet it does. “I spent some of the money to pay back loans that Dad took out using the house as collateral, and then there’s all of the funeral costs too. I also paid all of his employees their outstanding wages before the company was officially declared bankrupt.”

“In that case, it’ll become tricky. You’ll owe more than you’re able to pay back, and we’ll have to look at your assets,” the insurance guy says.

I nod, but I can barely focus on the conversation. All I can think about is the last few weeks of Dad’s life. Were there any signs I missed? Is there anything I could’ve done to prevent this? I wish I’d tried harder to get through to him, to make sure he knew I loved him more than anything in the world, more than any of our belongings. I wish he’d known I’d happily live in poverty, so long as I get to have him by my side. I wish I hadn’t tried to act strong and brave, so he wouldn’t ever even have considered leaving me.

I wish I could go back in time, so I could convince him to stay.