Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I sit up when I hear the front door open, my eyes wide. I don’t remember the last time Dad made it home for dinner. It’s been months since we even had a real conversation.

“Alanna, sweetheart.”

Dad looks exhausted, but it’s more than that. His work has always been his passion, and these days his eyes look vacant. The fire I’m so used to seeing in him is gone. He still hasn’t told me what exactly is going on, but from what I understand, the company is struggling worse than it ever has before.

“You’re home early! Come have dinner with me, Dad.” I pat the seat next to mine as I get up to grab him a plate. I feel Dad’s eyes on me and look back, a smile on my face. The way he’s looking at me has me worried. I’ve never seen Dad looking so lost, so discouraged. The last time I saw him wearing that expression was at Mom’s funeral.

“I made some spaghetti.” It’s simple, but it does the job. If I’d known that Dad was going to be home tonight, I definitely would’ve tried to make something nicer.

“Looks great, honey.”

I sit down next to him and watch him for a moment. “It’s so good to have you home for dinner,” I murmur. “I can’t remember the last time we had dinner together.” It’s been months, for sure.

Dad looks down at his plate and nods. “I’ve let you down, Alanna.” His voice is soft, his regret palpable. “Work has overshadowed everything, and even so, it isn’t enough.”

I place my hand over his and shake my head. “No, Dad. You could never let me down,” I tell him. “I know how hard you work, and you were right, you know? Volunteering at the shelter truly did make me appreciate everything we’ve got so much more. I get why you work so hard.”

He smiles at me, and I breathe a sigh of relief. This is the first real smile I’ve seen on his face in months. “Your eighteenth birthday is coming up soon,” he says, tightening his grip on my hand. “The months are flying by, each day filled with nothing but work. I haven’t even had time to make up for missing your seventeenth birthday. How about I take you to that restaurant you wanted to go to back then? Or is there something else you’d rather do?”

I shake my head. “I’m not sure, Dad. It’s so pricey, and it seems unnecessary. How about we just have dinner at home together? I just want to spend my birthday with you. It doesn’t matter where.”

Dad looks at me and shakes his head. “No, I’ll take you there. I insist.”

I grin at him and nod. I walked out of there that night without even sitting down, because I’d been waiting for Dad by the entrance. I’ve been wanting to go for so long now. “I can’t wait!”

Dad smiles at me and shakes his head. “You’re all grown up, and I’ve missed so much of it. I kept telling myself that there’d be time to make it up to you, that I just needed to save the company first, and everything else would come after… now I see how wrong I was. I’m sorry, Alanna.”

“Dad,” I murmur. “It’s okay, honestly. I’ve been super busy with college applications, and school’s just been a lot lately. I’ve kept myself busy, I promise.”

It’s true that I felt lonely at the start, but that was before Silas. Once he and I started to talk to each other every day, the loneliness faded.

“Hmm,” Dad says, smiling. “There’s a boy, huh?”

I freeze, my eyes widening. “What? No!”

Dad chuckles and takes a bite of his spaghetti, his eyes on me. I have no doubt that I’m blushing fiercely, but even if I wasn’t, there’s no way I could keep anything from Dad. We might not be as close as we used to be, but he’s still my best friend. I’ve never kept anything from Dad, and I won’t now either.

“Who’s the lucky boy that gets to date my little girl?”

I shake my head. “I’m not dating anyone,” I tell him honestly. “He doesn’t even know I like him. We’re just friends, and I know he wouldn’t want that to change. He doesn’t see me that way.”

Dad smiles and takes another bite of his food, his gaze thoughtful. “He does. Of course he wants to date you, Alanna. The man would have to be blind not to. You’re my daughter, after all! How could he not want to date someone with my genes?”

I burst out laughing and shake my head. “Right,” I mutter. “So that’s where I got my humbleness from.”

Dad chuckles, and I smile back at him. It’s been so long since we joked around together. Every conversation lately has felt strained, like I was bothering him, no matter how nice I tried to be.

“Sweetheart, that boy is the luckiest guy in the world because he gets to have your friendship. My marriage with Mom was built on friendship. She friendzoned me for years before we finally started dating. We met when we were both homeless, and though we clearly loved each other, we both knew that wasn’t a good time to be together. We needed to work on ourselves before we could work on being a couple, because relationships really do take work. Don’t worry about him not wanting to be anything more than friends for now, okay? You’ve got so much on your plate already, and what’s meant to be truly will be.”

I nod, my thoughts turning to Silas. “I didn’t even know you knew the word friendzoned.”

Dad nods. “Oh honey, I know all the lingo. I know YOLO and LOL too.”

A giggle escapes my lips, and Dad laughs with me. The two of us sit at the table together, just enjoying each other’s company. For once, Dad seems truly present in the moment, and I have every intention of enjoying every second of it. Who knows how long it’ll be before I get to have a fun evening with him again? I have no doubt his focus will shift back to work the second he’s done eating.

“I never knew that Mom and you met when you were both homeless,” I murmur, unable to suppress my curiosity. “Ricardo has mentioned her before, but all of his stories were from after you left the shelter. He never told me she used to live there too.”

Dad turns to me and nods. “We did. Your mother loved me at my lowest, and for as long as she lived, I’ve done my best to repay her for it. She was always the woman of my dreams. I knew she was the one the moment I first met her at the shelter. We quickly became friends, both of us eager to turn our lives back around. She helped me set up the company, and she helped me become the man I am today. Without your mother, I’d be nothing. Without her, I am nothing.”

“Your love is out of this world,” I murmur. “How could you two possibly have stayed away from each other for years?”

Dad looks away and sighs. “I felt like I had to prove myself before I could ever be with her. All I wanted for your mother was a life better than what I could offer her at the time. I wanted to give her the world, and I could never ask her to be with a man who couldn’t even buy her dinner. I managed to achieve what I set out to do, and the moment I had a flat of my own and a steady job, I asked her to marry me. I didn’t even ask her to be my girlfriend, because there was no point. I knew she was it for me, and she knew it too. I thought we’d made it, you know? I didn’t realize it wasn’t just the two of us in our marriage. It was us, and the demons that haunted your mother. No matter how much help I tried to get her, it was never enough. Homelessness leaves scars, Alanna. You can never truly escape it.”

I don’t understand how Mom could ever take her own life when she was this loved. I’ve tried so hard to make sense of it, and it wasn’t until I started to volunteer at the shelter that I began to understand just a little. I have no doubt that Dad isn’t telling me the full story, and I’ll probably never know exactly what Mom has been through in life to lead her down the path she chose… but I can finally let go of the resentment.

I can’t help but wonder what my story with Silas will be. When he achieves everything he’s working toward… will he want me then?