Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I stare at the notice on the door, informing us that today’s seminar was canceled. Why didn’t I receive an email about that? I’d have left straight after my last lecture if I’d known. I groan and turn back around in a rush to get back to the shelter. Maybe I’ll get to see her today, if I’m fast enough.

“Hey, Silas?”

I pause, surprised at the sound of my name. A tall blonde smiles at me, her expression hopeful. I’ve seen her in my seminars before, but I don’t think we’ve ever spoken a word to each other. To say I’m a loner at college would be putting it mildly. For one, I’m older than most of my classmates, because I started two years later than I was supposed to. Besides, it’s unsettling to be around people who are so carefree, who take the educational opportunities they’re given for granted. It’s strange to be surrounded by people who are exactly what I’d be like if Mona hadn’t kicked me out.

“Regina, right?”

Her eyes widen, as though she’s surprised I know who she is, and then she smiles. How could I not know her? I hear guys talking about her at every turn. We might never have formally met before, but I know she’s a cheerleader, and she seems to be every guy’s biggest fantasy. Personally, I don’t see it. I much prefer petite women with dark hair and sassy mouths that hide a heart of gold… perfect hazel eyes, and lips I’m dying to taste. Yeah, Regina is not my type.

“I’m throwing a party tonight. I’d love to see you there, if you’re up for it?”

I’m not into the whole college party scene. I don’t have time for it, and if I were to attend, I’d miss the shelter’s curfew. My agreement with Ricardo meant I could never miss curfew, or I’d risk losing my bed. Now that I’m officially employed by the shelter, it’s probably different, but I still won’t risk it. Besides… it’s Wednesday. Alanna volunteers on Wednesdays.

“I can’t,” I tell her. “But thank you for inviting me.”

I haven’t seen Alanna for nearly two months now, because of this damn seminar. It’s ends so late that she’s usually gone by the time I get back. Today is the first time it’s ever been canceled. Speaking to her on the phone isn’t enough, not anymore. There’s no way I’ll pass on a chance to see her, just to go to some party.

I smile at Regina and walk past her. “Wait!” she says, sounding mildly panicked. I turn back around to face her, and she smiles nervously. “Um, could I… could I maybe have your number?”

“Why?” I frown, confused.

She looks at me, her eyes wide and her cheeks rosy. What is wrong with her?

“Um, it’s just, we’ve been in the same seminar all semester. I thought it would be good to exchange notes every once in a while.”

“Right,” I murmur, nodding. I take out my phone and unlock it before handing it to her. She takes it from me and dials her own phone number before saving it for me. For some reason, she hesitates before giving it back to me. Why is she being so awkward? As far as I’m aware, we’ve never spoken before today.

“Thanks,” I tell her, taking my phone back from her. She nods and looks at me as though there’s more she wants to say, but I don’t have time to hang around. Not today. “See you at our next seminar.”

She nods, and I walk away in a rush, worried I’ll miss the next bus. I can barely remember the last time I saw Alanna, and I’m looking forward to spending some time with her again. Thanks to my new job and bedroom at the shelter, I get to talk to her until whatever time I want now. Our conversations usually last until either of us falls asleep, but it isn’t the same as seeing her. It’s strange, but Alanna and I can go weeks without seeing each other, and our friendship never changes.

“You’re back earlier than usual today,” Ricardo says when I walk into the shelter. I pause and nod, suddenly feeling awkward. “She’s in the kitchen.”

“Who?” I ask, playing dumb.

Ricardo shakes his head and glances back at his tablet, his gaze thoughtful. I was sure he’d have warned me away by now, and the fact that he hasn’t means he trusts me with her. I know I can’t take this any further. It isn’t just the age difference, it’s everything else too. There’s no future for us. I can’t have her, but I allow myself this much. I allow myself her company and her friendship, for as long as she’s willing to give me that.

I pause in the kitchen doorway, the sound of her laughter stopping me in my tracks. I watch her as she smiles at one of the kitchen employees. She’s no doubt being told some type of outrageous story. I wonder if she realizes that she brightens up all our days. I’m not the only one who looks forward to her visits.

I push away from the wall and walk up to her, wishing I could just take her into my arms. She’s so ridiculously beautiful, yet I can never tell her that. Not without making things weird between us. “Ray,” I murmur, fighting the possessiveness I feel.

She looks up from the soup she’s cooking, and my heart starts to race when her eyes find mine. “Silas.” The way she says my name has me taking another step toward her. Fuck. If I could kiss her right now, I would.

“Let me help you.”

I feel her eyes on me as I wash my hands and grab an apron and gloves. Does she realize what she’s doing to me? It’s been a year and a half since she first started volunteering here, and in that time, she’s managed to wear me down. I remember how badly I wanted to stay away from her when she first came here, yet now I can’t even fall asleep if I don’t hear her telling me goodnight first. Each time I saw her, she left me wanting just a little more of her. One more smile, one more conversation… and that just turned into a phone call, and another. My friendship with Alanna developed slowly, forged by my inability to resist her.

I take the spoon from her, and she grabs a bag of cornstarch to thicken the soup with. “I think we should add some more vegetables,” she says, and I nod.

“You look tired,” I murmur, my voice low enough for our conversation to be private in this busy kitchen. “Did I keep you up too late last night?”

I smirk when her cheeks turn rosy. So beautiful. It’s insane how stunning she is, and somehow she just gets more beautiful each time I see her. “Silas,” she admonishes. “If anyone heard you say that, they’d misunderstand.”

I bite back a smile and shake my head. I’d tell her that there’d be no room for misunderstandings if I ever took her to bed, but I can’t say that. I can’t joke around with her like that, crossing the boundaries she’s been pushing. “I’m serious,” I tell her. “You look exhausted. Things not going well with your dad?”

She shakes her head. “No. He’s sold most of his cars and pretty much every other valuable thing we own other than our home, but I don’t think it’s enough. We’re receiving letters from debtors every week, sometimes multiple times a week. I don’t know what’s going on, Si, and he won’t talk to me. If I try asking him anything at all, he just tells me not to worry. I don’t know what to do.”

“I wish I could tell you to take his advice, but I know it isn’t that easy to simply not worry. Truthfully, there’s nothing you can actually do, Alanna. All you can do is offer your dad the moral support he might need. I can imagine that what he’s worried about more than anything else is letting you down. He won’t want you to see him at his weakest, so for now just have faith in him, okay?”

She nods, but I can tell she isn’t listening. She’s anxious, and nothing I say will change that. I can’t blame her, either. I’d be the same in her situation.

“Your phone,” she says.

I blink in confusion, and Alanna points at my pocket.

“Your phone keeps dinging.”

I take off my gloves and unlock my phone, surprised to find several messages from Regina with her address and information about the party, in case I change my mind. Why couldn’t she just put all of that information in one single text? Why did she need to send me five?

“Who’s Regina?” Alanna asks, her tone different, harsher.

“No one.”

She looks at me then, a flash of hurt in her eyes. Fuck. When she looks at me like that she’s got me ready to sink down to my knees and beg for forgiveness for whatever crime she thinks I committed.

“Regina is just some girl from school. She’s in one of my seminars. I’d never even spoken to her before today.”

“So today was the first time you spoke to her, yet somehow you have her phone number already? That was fast, Si. Good for you.” She forces a smile, but she can’t hide the pain in her eyes. Not from me.

“Ray, she asked for my number so we can exchange notes. That’s all it is.”

Alanna nods and looks back at the soup she’s making. “Is she pretty?”

What? What am I supposed to say to that? “No? I’m not sure.”

“You’re not sure?” she repeats. “You’ve seen her before, right? Do you think she’s pretty?”

Is she… jealous? I can’t help but smile at the thought of it. She and I have been dancing around each other, both of us well aware that we can’t cross the line, but every once in a while she slips up, and I love it when she does. I love it when she shows me how deeply she cares.

“No, Ray. I don’t think she’s pretty.”

Her shoulders slump in relief, and she smiles. “Oh,” she says, trying to act nonchalant when she can’t keep her smile off her face.

I’m done for. I’m falling for her, and no matter how hard I resist, I can’t stop. I can’t stop wanting more of her. More of her smiles, more of her company, more of her touch.

I can’t stay away… but I have to.