Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

“Dad?” I clench my phone tighter as I look in the mirror in the restaurant’s bathroom. “Where are you? It’s getting pretty late.”

I’ve been trying to call him all night, and by the time he finally picked up, I’d already given up our table. I don’t think he even realizes it’s my birthday today.

“Sorry, darling,” he says, sounding tired. “There’s so much going wrong at work that I had to stay late. I won’t even try to hide this from you anymore, Alanna, because I can’t. The company is collapsing, and I’m trying to keep it together with my bare hands, but I can’t. I can’t do it.”

I don’t get why he even tried to keep this from me. Did he truly think that I didn’t notice the things that went missing from our house? First it was his watch, then it was the paintings he loved so much. After that, Mom’s diamonds disappeared. My credit card hasn’t worked in months, and I never even told him, because he fought so hard to keep this from me.

“What can I do, Dad? How can I help you?”

“Nothing, sweetie. Just keep doing what you do, okay? Keep staying strong for me, keep smiling for me, and please, sweetie. Please be patient with me. I won’t be able to get away from work for another few hours, so don’t worry about me. You just have dinner, all right?”

I inhale shakily, part of me wanting to remind him that today is my seventeenth birthday, but I won’t. “Of course, Dad. Don’t worry about me. You just focus on work. I’ll be fine.”

Dad pauses for a moment, and then he sighs. “I love you, Alanna. I’ll make this up to you. I promise.”

I force a smile onto my face, though he can’t see me. “I’m looking forward to it,” I tell him. “See you later, Dad. Don’t be home too late, okay?”

I end the call as I walk out of the restaurant I made a reservation at several months ago. I’ve been looking forward to tonight for so long, but I should’ve known something would go wrong. Every time I think I’ll get to spend some time with Dad, something happens, and I end up being all alone.

I’m getting tired of it, but volunteering at the shelter makes me understand why he works the way he does. I can see his fears, and I don’t dare act selfish. I don’t dare tell him that I want his time, that I miss him. I’m shaking as I get into my car, unsure where to even go.

For a little while, I did what Silas told me to do, but even when I’m at his office, he doesn’t really notice me. I was hoping to chat with him every once in a while, and I really wanted to better understand what Dad does, but my presence only seemed to stress him out more, so I stopped going.

I drive around aimlessly, only half surprised when I find myself pulling up at the shelter without even consciously realizing that I drove there. I park in front of the building and check the time. It’s eight o’clock, so there are two hours left before lights out. I grab my phone, unsure of whether or not I should call Silas.

Over the last couple of weeks, we’ve definitely become friends, and we talk to each other almost every night, but somehow I feel conflicted about calling him tonight. I don’t want to force him to spend time with me, and I know that if I call him, he’ll come out to see me.

I bite down on my lip, but in the end, selfishness wins, and I press the dial button. He picks up almost immediately, and I can’t help but smile.

“If it isn’t the birthday girl. Happy birthday, sweet girl.”

“Thank you,” I murmur. I wonder if he realizes that he’s the only one who’s wished me a happy birthday today. I doubt it, and I want to keep it that way.

“How was dinner with your dad? I kinda thought it’d last much longer.”

“Oh, it’s great,” I lie. “I just went to the bathroom to touch up my lipstick, and somehow I found myself thinking of you. I wasn’t sure how long the evening would last, so I thought I’d call you. Don’t want you to feel neglected, after all. What would you do with yourself if I don’t call you before bed? I’m not sure you’d be able to sleep, you know? How could I do that to you?”

He bursts out laughing, and a soft giggle escapes my lips. I’ve barely spoken to him for a minute, and he’s already turned my night around. I lean back in my seat and let my eyes fall closed as I focus on his voice.

“Yeah,” he murmurs. “I’ve kinda grown accustomed to hearing your voice before bed. I wasn’t sure I’d get to speak to you tonight, but I was hoping I would.”

Our daily calls are the highlight of my day. Even now, he’s rarely at the shelter when I go to volunteer, but I don’t mind it as much. When I see him, things are somewhat odd between us. He’s distant in person, but over the phone? Over the phone, it feels like he’s mine.

I’m startled when I hear knocking on my window, and my eyes fly open. I sit up, surprised to find Silas standing next to my car, his phone still against his ear. “I had a feeling I’d find you here.” He walks around the car and I unlock the door for him as he ends our call.

“What are you doing here?” I ask when he gets in beside me, shocked. “How did you know?”

He smiles and leans back in the passenger seat. “Your voice, Alanna. Over the last couple of months, I’ve learned to read every single one of your emotions through your voice. You’ve never sounded as upset as you did tonight. I knew you weren’t at the restaurant, so I followed my instincts, and they led me right to you.”

I let my eyes roam over him, taking in the slight stubble that only accentuates his strong jaw, the slightly long hair, and those lips I’ve been wanting to taste. “You can’t read every one of my emotions, Si,” I whisper.

“Yeah,” he whispers back. “I can.”

His eyes drop to my lips, and then he tears his gaze away. Silas has never crossed the line with me, and each time I try to, he reminds me that he’s five years older than I am. He’s been rejecting me subtly, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

“That dress looks just as beautiful on you as I knew it would,” he whispers, but he isn’t looking at me. He’s looking out the window. I stare at him, trying to figure out if he’s just being nice, or if he means it.

“Thanks,” I murmur, glancing down at my lap. I fell in love with this dress at first sight, and I told Silas it made me feel like a queen. It’s a nude-colored midi dress with a corseted top, and it makes every single one of my curves stand out in the classiest way. It’s the perfect birthday dress, and if nothing else, I guess I’m glad at least Silas got to see me in it.

“What happened tonight, Alanna?” he asks, turning back to me.

I shake my head. “Same old,” I whisper. “Dad has been working, and I don’t think he even realizes it’s my birthday today. I didn’t say anything, because I don’t want him to feel guilty, you know? Even if he does come home now, my night is ruined, so there was no point.”

He nods. “Come on, birthday girl. There’s somewhere I’ve been meaning to take you. I didn’t think I’d actually be able to do it on your birthday, but I guess it’s my lucky day.”

I frown, and Silas smirks at me as he puts a location into my navigation system. “Where are we going?”

He shakes his head. “You’ll see. It’s a surprise.”

I smile as I follow the directions, curious. I drive down one windy road after another, until Silas tells me to park on the side of a dirt road. “Where are we?”

“Let me show you.”

He gets out and walks around the car to open my door for me. Silas offers me his hand, and my heart races as I place mine in his. He entwines our fingers as he pulls me along, frowning when he realizes that my heels are sinking into the grassy grounds.

He bends down slightly, and before I realize what he’s doing, I’m lifted off the ground and into his arms. He holds me close, his eyes briefly running over my body. I could’ve sworn I saw a flash of desire in them, but then it’s gone, and he’s striding forward with me in his arms. “What are you doing?” I whisper. “You don’t need to carry me.”

He shakes his head. “It’s a bit of a walk.”

I tighten my grip on him, reveling in his proximity. I allow myself to drink him in shamelessly, taking in his long lashes, the stubble on his skin, his strong jaw. His body feels strong against mine, his grip tight. I’ve never been this close to a guy before. “This is a first for me,” I whisper.

Silas looks at me and blinks in confusion.

“It’s the first time a boy has carried me in his arms like this.”

Silas chuckles and tightens his grip on me, his eyes on mine. “I’m no boy, Alanna,” he says, his voice soft and sexy.

“Oh no,” I whisper. “Does this count as putting myself in a dangerous situation?”

Silas smirks, and my heart skips a beat. It’s a lazy, intimate smirk, and it’s all for me. “Damn right it does, baby. Don’t you ever find yourself in another man’s arms like this, late at night with no one else around. No one but me.”

“Just you, Silas,” I whisper.

He stops walking, his eyes on mine, and I wonder if he can see me blushing in the darkness. “We’re here,” he says, but he doesn’t put me down.

I’m so mesmerized by his beautiful emerald eyes that I struggle to tear my gaze away. When I eventually manage it, I find us standing underneath a beautiful pink blossom tree. “Wow,” I whisper. The air feels fresh, and the breeze carries a soft floral scent. This place feels magical. I glance around, my eyes settling on the stone cottage behind us.

“Silas,” I whisper. “Are we trespassing?”

He smiles as he puts me down and places his hands on my shoulders. “Yes, I suppose we are.” Silas has always kept his distance from me, but tonight feels different. “Happy birthday, Alanna,” he murmurs.

He lets go of me and reaches into his back pocket, taking out a pink envelope. He holds it in both hands, his gaze downcast. Silas inhales deeply, and when he looks up at me, my heart starts to race. I’ve never seen him look at me like that before. His eyes are filled with every feeling I try so hard to hide.

“Alanna, there isn’t much I can offer you other than my friendship… but I’ve learned the hard way that the most precious things in life truly are free. Maybe someday, I’ll be able to give you diamonds and expensive flowers, but for now, please accept this.”

He hands me the envelope, and I take it with trembling hands. My heart is racing as I open the envelope carefully, not wanting to tear it open. Silas shifts his weight from one leg to the other, seemingly just as nervous as I am.

I gasp when I slide a birthday card out of the envelope, a portrait of me on it… except the girl in the drawing looks nothing like me… she’s far more beautiful than I ever hope to be. “Did you draw this?” I ask, shocked.

Silas nods and looks away. I’ve never seen him look so vulnerable before. “It’s beautiful,” I whisper. I open the card, taking in the simple birthday message in his handwriting. Instead of his name, it’s signed with the ψ symbol. “I love it, Silas.” My voice trembles, and I hug the card to my chest. “This… thank you. Thank you so much, Si. I don’t need expensive flowers or diamonds, Si. Nothing could ever beat this.”

He smiles at me and nods, but I see the insecurity in his eyes. Before I have a chance to even attempt to reassure him, he reaches back into his pocket and takes out a thin glass canister with paper inside it. “This,” he tells me, “is for next year.”

He tips his head toward the tree, and I follow his gaze. “My mother and I planted this tree over a decade ago,” he says. “Every year, my father would take me here for my birthday, to my mother’s favorite place. She and I had a tradition, you see… every year on my birthday, she’d draw me a picture, and I’d draw her one. We then put them in glass bottles and buried them. Throughout the year, we’d try to guess what the other had drawn, right down to the last detail. Whoever got closest would win a wish that the other had to fulfill. It was a silly competition, but it was ours.”

I look around again, seeing this place through fresh eyes. We aren’t trespassing at all, not really… this place should belong to Silas, and I have no doubt that one day it will again. “Si, that’s your tradition with her,” I whisper. “Something like that… you should share that with someone special.”

He kneels down in front of me and looks up at me. “I am, Ray,” he whispers.

“Ray?”

He nods. “I’ve been calling you by your name for far too long. You need a nickname. I thought of calling you sunshine, but I’ve spent too many days in the blistering sun, desperate for a glass of water. You’re a ray of sunshine, a ray of light, a ray of hope in an otherwise dark, bleak world. You’re enough to illuminate my path, yet I always want more.”

My eyes widen, and Silas smiles at me, his expression tender. When he looks at me like that, he gives me hope that someday, he and I could be more than friends.

Silas tears his gaze away and I watch as he digs through the dirt with his bare hands before burying the bottle, my heart racing wildly the entire time. He pushes the dirt flat onto the ground, securing the treasure he buried before brushing his hands against each other.

Si rises to his feet, towering above me, his eyes on mine. “Now you’ve got one of my firsts too, Alanna. You’re the first woman I’ve ever drawn a portrait of, unless we’re counting the childish doodles I shared with my mom. You’re the first woman I’ve brought here, the first one to have received a birthday card from me.”

I take a step closer to him and place my palms against his chest, my heart racing. “Next year,” I whisper. “Next year, I’ll bring a gift of my own too. I can’t draw, Si… but I’ll think of something.”

He smirks and places his hands on my waist, his touch far more intimate than usual. “I’m looking forward to it,” he whispers. Then he takes a step away from me, almost as though he physically wants to distance himself from me, and I sigh. Every once in a while, I catch a glimpse of what could be, if he’d let it… and tonight I want it more than ever before.

“Will you tell me about your favorite memories in this place?”

“Not counting the one we’re creating right now?” he replies, and I blush.

Si drops back down to the ground with a smile on his face. I watch him as he takes off his hoodie, his t-shirt riding up with it and exposing his abs. He places it on the ground and tips his head toward it. My eyes widen, and I freeze. Why would he do that for me? I know how long he has to wait to wash his clothes at the shelter, yet he so carelessly threw his hoodie on the floor… for me.

My heart aches as I sit down next to him. Si smiles at me, and my heart starts to race. I’m falling for him, and I know I’ll never have him. Silas has made that much clear. Even if there’s a spark between us, he won’t act on it.

“My darling Ray, let me tell you about the time I peed my pants because a squirrel attacked me,” he says, and I grin. He’s single-handedly turned the worst birthday I’ve ever had into the best one I could’ve wished for. I’m already looking forward to next year, and I have a feeling he is too.