Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I frown when my card is declined at the online dress store I’ve been using for years. I spent weeks picking the dress I want to wear for dinner on my seventeenth birthday, only for the transaction to be declined. My birthday is still several weeks away, but Dad promised to spend all day with me, so I’ve started planning way ahead.

I sigh as I try my card one more time, only for it to be declined again. “That’s weird,” I whisper to myself. Something about this doesn’t sit well with me. I haven’t said anything to Dad, but I’ve noticed the overdue bill notices we get in the post, the one he keeps trying to hide. Each time I make any kind of remark, he shuts me down and tells me not to worry. It’s clear he doesn’t want me to know, but it looks like something might be wrong. Surely the business isn’t in trouble?

I bite down on my lip as I close my laptop and pick up my phone. Should I call Dad and ask him about my credit card? If something truly is wrong, then that’d just add to his worries. I can’t do that. It’s probably better that I bring it up in person.

I check the time and sigh. It’s nearly nine in the evening, and he still isn’t home. When was the last time we even had dinner together? He’s been working far harder than he ever has before, and I can’t help but worry.

I inhale deeply and tighten my grip on my phone as I move from my desk to my bed. On nights like these, I always feel lonely, and I find myself second-guessing my decision to ostracize Caleb. Because I rejected him publicly, multiple times, I’ve found myself becoming a social pariah. No one talks to me unless they’re talking shit about me. I’ve always been a bit of a loner, so I’ve never really had any friends, but now my chances of ever making any are gone.

I glance back at my phone, my mind drifting to Silas. I wouldn’t say we’re friends, per se… but he’s the closest thing I’ve got.

I bite down on my lip, hesitating for a moment as I scroll through my contacts. He gave me his phone number so I could call him if I’m ever in trouble, and I’m not sure he’d be okay with me calling him out of the blue for no real reason. I’m worried that he just sees me as an obligation, someone he has to be nice to because Ricardo values my dad.

I thought we were getting a little closer after we spent an afternoon packaging food together, but I’ve barely even seen him in the last couple of months. I’m not sure if he’s avoiding me, or if he’s just busy with school, but he hasn’t been at the shelter during my weekly visits. When I ask about him, Ricardo always tells me he’s fine and that he’s doing well, but that’s as much as he’ll tell me.

My heart races as I press the dial button, and my eyes widen as I listen to the dial tone. I can’t tell whether I even want him to pick up or not. Part of me wants to just end the call and pretend I butt-dialed him if he ever asks about it, but a larger part of me wants to hear his voice. Maybe it’s silly, but every time I go to the shelter, I secretly hope to catch a glimpse of him. There’s something about him that’s insanely addictive, and in my mind I keep replaying moments I’ve shared with him. When I can’t sleep, I think of the way he held me each time Caleb was around, the way he pulled me against him when he told me to knee him in the balls, the way he sometimes looks at me. I know he isn’t interested in me, but part of me is hoping to change his mind someday.

“Alanna?”

I swallow hard at the sound of his voice and clench my phone tightly. “Silas, hi!”

I let my eyes fall closed and suppress a groan. I’m so awkward, and I’m grateful he can’t see me right now.

Silas chuckles, and the sound of it makes my heart skip a beat. “What’s up?” he asks. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes!” I clear my throat awkwardly and fall back onto my bed. What was I thinking, calling him? “Nothing is wrong… I just, well, I just haven’t seen you in a couple of weeks, and I wanted to know how you are, that’s all.”

“Question for your thoughts?”

I smile to myself, surprised he remembers the conversation we had when we were packing food together.

“My thoughts? I’m not sure there’s all that much on my mind, Si.”

“I’m sure there is,” he says, his tone different to usual. He sounds more relaxed, and even through the phone, he does to me what no one else can… he makes me feel like I’ve got his full attention, like no one but me matters. “What was on your mind before you called me?”

I fall silent, surprised he realizes anything is wrong at all. “How did you know?” I ask, my voice soft.

“Alanna,” he murmurs. “I just do. Tell me.”

“My mind is a scary place, Si. You have no idea what you’re asking for.”

He chuckles, and I grin, imagining what he must look like with that smile on his face. “Shock me, Alanna.”

I turn to my side and stare at the wall for a moment. “There’s a lot on my mind, Si. I think my father’s company might be in trouble. Dad is always working, and I miss him. I hate being home alone all the time. I hate that I don’t have any friends, and I blame Caleb for it. But then I also blame myself for being such a bitch to him. Maybe if I hadn’t rejected him the way I did, school wouldn’t have gotten as bad as it is now. No one talks to me. My entire life is just homework, studying, volunteering at the shelter, and spending my evenings eating dinner by myself.”

“Sweetheart,” Silas says, and my heart starts to race. Every once in a while, he’ll call me sweetheart or baby, and I doubt he even realizes it. “That’s a lot you’re carrying. Do you want my advice, or do you want to vent?”

I hesitate for a moment, surprised he’s even giving me those two options. “I think I want your advice,” I whisper.

“Tell your dad that you miss him, Alanna. I buried my dad on the day we met, and if I could go back in time, I’d make sure I spend more time with him, even if it means hanging out at his office with him. You could do your homework at his office, right? I’m sure you can think of some ways to spend more time around him without him feeling like his work would suffer for it. If his company truly is in trouble, he can’t take time off right now, but you can silently support him by being around him. Do you think that might work?”

I nod to myself. “To be honest, that hadn’t actually occurred to me before. It’s a good idea. Back in the day, Dad never wanted me around, because there were so many construction guys, and the sites he used to work on weren’t that safe, but these days Dad has his own office, so I think it’d be fine.”

“As for Caleb,” he says. “I honestly don’t know what to say. I truly thought he’d get over it, you know? I guess he really likes you.”

I bite down on my lip nervously. “About that…”

“What?” he says, his tone rougher. “Don’t tell me you actually went on a date with him?”

Something about his tone has my heart beating a little faster. I know he isn’t jealous, but this is exactly how I imagine he’d sound if he were. “No, of course not. Three weeks ago, I spray painted a message onto his car, and I’m pretty sure he knows it was me. It kind of took our feud to a different level.”

“What did you do?”

“I used a can of graffiti to spray-paint My Owner is a Prime Example of Fragile Masculinity all over the hood of his car. In pink.”

Silas bursts out laughing, and the sound of it makes me smile too. “Alanna, you beautiful soul. Every time I talk to you, I’m reminded that someday, you’re going to drive one lucky man completely crazy in the very best way. Caleb hasn’t been able to pin it on you, has he?”

I shake my head, even though he can’t see me. “No, of course not. I found out where he lives and went to his house at night. No one saw me, and he can’t pin it on me at all. I guess that’s why he’s so mad, but it’s fine. It accomplished what I wanted it to. He’s stopped pursuing me.”

“Good,” Silas says, his voice low and… possessive. Every once in a while, I wonder if he might like me a little too, but then I remind myself that he wouldn’t be going out of his way to avoid me at the shelter if he did.

“Anyway,” I murmur. “How are you? I haven’t spoken to you in so long.”

“I’m fine, sweet girl. Ricardo has officially hired me to become a part-time house manager. He wants to retire soon, and he’s giving me the job until I graduate in two years. He’s made it clear that he expects me to find a well-paying corporate job then, but in the meantime, this is a good gig. It’ll give them time to find the perfect long-term candidate too.”

“What will the job entail?” I ask, curious. I’ve never really asked Ricardo what his exact job is, because he seems to do everything. Surely Silas doesn’t have time to be studying at Astor College and do Ricardo’s job on top of it?

“It’s mostly monitoring and implementing house rules, screening everyone’s belongings when they come in, conducting facility searches for drugs and weapons, keeping track of different kinds of inventory, and a whole lot of admin work. It’s a lot of stuff that I’m already doing anyway, except they’ll pay me for it now, and I’ll get my own bedroom with its own shower, so I won’t have to sleep in the big hall anymore. I’m never going to spend another night in any of those bunk beds. Not ever again.”

I’m not sure what to say to him. “It’s definitely better than sleeping in the big hall, but remember what you told me, okay? Never lose sight of the big picture. You can’t stay there, Silas.”

“I know,” he murmurs. “I know, and I won’t. I have big plans for the future, Alanna. I won’t give up on them, but this is a step forward, even if it doesn’t sound that way. None of my belongings are ever safe in the shelter, no matter how hard Ricardo tries to make this place more of a home than a shelter. I have to carry a backpack with me wherever I go, and I’m dying to finally have a space of my own again. Having my own bedroom means I’ll be able to store my things somewhere, and it means I’ll be able to wear a neat suit to job interviews. I won’t be bound to curfews, either.”

“You’re right,” I whisper. “I’m sorry, Silas. I just… I just really believe in you, you know? I just know you’re meant for so much more.”

He falls silent for a moment, and I wonder if I’ve misspoken. “I’ll get there,” he says eventually. “One step at a time. Per aspera ad astra.”

“What does that mean?” I ask, the words sounding vaguely familiar.

“Through adversity to the stars,” he says, his voice soft. “Those are the words I remind myself of when things get tough. The biggest accomplishments don’t come without hardship, and this is the same. Things might feel tough right now, but that’s because I’m reaching for the stars. The loftier the goal, the tougher the obstacles, but it’s worth it.”

I twist in bed as I think over his words. The two of us are quiet for a moment, but it’s a comforting silence. “Hey, Si?”

“Yes, my love?”

“You owe me a question.”

“Ask,” he says, his tone lazy. I wonder if he’s in bed, like I am. We’ve been on the phone for far longer than I thought we’d be, and I’m enjoying it more than I expected.

“Can I call you again?”

He chuckles, and I grin. “Yes,” he says, his voice low. “You can call me whenever you want, Alanna.”

“You don’t mind? Please be honest with me, Si. I don’t want to be a burden to you, and I don’t want you to be nice to me because Ricardo made you.”

Silas is quiet for a moment, and I worry I was right. “Alanna,” he says eventually. “Despite the situation I’m in, I’m not easily coerced. No one has ever made me spend time with you, nor is anyone forcing me to speak to you. I’ll probably regret this, because I know damn well I should keep my distance from you, but I’m going to say it anyway. You brighten up my days, and though I shouldn’t, I enjoy being around you. Call me, Alanna. Call me every night if you want to.”

I can’t help the way my heart races, giddiness washing over me as a wide grin spreads across my face. “Okay,” I whisper.

“Okay,” he repeats.

I don’t know how he’s done it, but Silas managed to turn a lonely evening into one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time, and he isn’t even with me. I’m already looking forward to the conversations we’re going to have, and I suspect he might be too.