A Thousand Heartbeats

Rhett’s sword hit mine with such force it shot off sparks. My left arm was burning from the scar Lennox had left on it, and my right knee nearly buckled under the impact, but it held. I came back, turning around to strike him again.

At his insistence, we were both wearing multiple layers of leather-covered padding over our chests. I’d laughed at him, thinking it was foolish. But, as I’d requested, he hadn’t held back. In the end, the padding was saving me from all the cuts, though I would certainly have a bruise or two.

As I’d hoped, I was too quick for Rhett, and I struck him between his shoulder blades.

“Ouch! Good one, Annika.” He grimaced, pulling at the ties for his padding. “Escalus taught you well.”

“Are we done?” I asked, disappointed.

“For tonight. It’s starting to get late, and you still have to get up and be princess in the morning,” he replied with a wink.

“It’s more work than one would think.”

“Oh, I know. Which is why I’m sending you off to bed.”

I started tugging at the knots holding on to the padding while pacing around my favorite hiding place in the garden. It lacked the impressive flowers and fountains of the spaces closest to the palace, so no one ever came out this far but the groundskeepers. Rhett and I stuck to the pebble path that created a circle around the stone in the middle, using the incline as another point in the training. I didn’t know what might be waiting for me.

“Did you see?” I asked. “There’s a ship at the dock.”

Rhett nodded. “I keep telling myself that it’s safer for you to be by the king’s side, with his elite guards. That’s not that much of a comfort, though.”

“I just feel so . . . lost. Everything could come apart in a matter of days, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t challenge my father, but I can’t sit still.” I shook my head. “So often lately, it feels like everything happening around me is wrong.” I looked at Rhett’s sympathetic eyes. “I’m sorry. I know I have no room to complain.”

“You’re carrying the worry of a kingdom on your shoulders, Annika.”

“But that’s the thing: it’s never been mine. It’s my father’s, and, when he dies, it will belong to Escalus. I’ve been trying to support them both my whole life because, even if it will never be under my authority, I love Kadier. With all my heart, I love it. But I keep wondering if my love has been wasted. If it would matter if I wasn’t here at all.”

Rhett tossed his sword to the ground and took me by the shoulders. “Annika, I never want to hear you say that again. You have no idea how I would crumble without you. I’m serious. I don’t know what I’d do.” He swallowed hard. “I know how much you love your brother, and I know how much you love Kadier, and because of that, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that you’ll never run off with me. But that doesn’t mean I won’t fall apart if you’re gone.”

I gave him a sad smile. “It’s not that I don’t care for you, Rhett.”

“I know that, too. I think, under different circumstances, we could have been happy. But you are a princess, and your love for Kadier will always win out. If you’re willing to marry that idiot, it must be great indeed.”

I laughed. “He’s trying.”

Rhett shrugged. “I still hate him.”

I went to pick up my sword and head back to the palace, smiling. “I’m sure you’re not alone in that sentiment, but I still want to give him the chance to grow.”

“No amount of effort on his part could change how I feel about him,” he said matter-of-factly. “Any man who comes between you and me? That man is my enemy.”

And a chill that had nothing to do with the evening weather scurried down my back.

We parted ways at the stairs, with Rhett smiling over his shoulder at me as he went off to his room. I knew I should go to bed. I couldn’t, though, not just yet.

Once he disappeared around the bend in the hallway, I moved down another. It was later than I’d thought, and the palace was still and silent. I loved it like this, when I could pretend it was all mine.

Moving quickly, I made my way to the distant hall that held Mother’s painting. I still had my sword sheathed in my hands. I wondered what she would have made of that. I thought of the time she’d brought a slice of cake to my room from a party I was too young to attend. We sat on the floor by the fire, digging our forks in, not bothering with plates.

She didn’t mind a good secret. I think she’d have liked that I could hold my own.

Just outside the hallway, I paused for a moment. . . . I could hear something.

Someone was crying.

I hid behind a large plant and looked down the length of the hall where Mother’s painting was kept.

I was stunned into absolute silence as I took in the two silhouettes holding one another in the thin moonlight.

Escalus was unmistakable. But the girl in his arms—a figure I also knew far too well—was a shock.

“Noemi,” Escalus whispered. “I’m not going to die. It’s going to be a quick, diplomatic meeting. There and back in a day.”

“Escalus, I don’t trust those people,” Noemi said, so casually saying his name. “Annika has woken up from nightmares trembling ever since she came back. They are not like us. They will not exercise the restraint that you would.”

He pulled her closer. “There’s nothing I can do about their actions. I can only control mine. I am no coward, so I will go.” He cupped her face in his hand as if she were breakable and balancing on a precipice. “But I am also no fool. I will make my way back to you. No man—no army—could stop me.”

She let out a ragged breath, and Escalus bent down and kissed her.

I now knew for a fact that all those fairy tales I’d read were right. In a single second, I felt the truth of every last one of them hit me in the chest. I might not have the privilege of knowing a fated and absolute love. But Escalus and Noemi did.

It was in the determined tone of his voice, the beautiful arch of her body into his, the very hush that fell when their lips met. They loved each other so well that they learned how to hide it in plain sight.

What’s more, they loved each other though it was doomed. Even if Noemi hadn’t been a servant here, Escalus was destined to marry another royal. A time would come when they would be forcefully and painfully separated . . . and they didn’t care.

They loved each other too much to let it stop them now. I dared to guess they’d probably already attempted to stop it and failed.

Before I got caught and stole their perfect moment from them, I turned and went as quickly as I came.

My mind was swarming with thoughts, each crashing into another like heavy waves. First, I suddenly saw my brother in a new light. Of course Escalus brought gifts for Noemi when he brought them for me. It was probably the opposite: he only did things for me to cover the fact he was doing something for her. He complimented her as often as he could; he made Nickolas be sure she was present when we did things together. He wanted to be near her always.

And Noemi. I’d known she could keep a secret, but I was shocked to find how right I’d been. I suddenly realized I had no idea how many of her own she’d been hiding from me. Not that I blamed her. If this got out, she would be instantly removed from the palace. I wasn’t sure what would be done about Escalus.

And then there was me. It didn’t hurt so much that maybe I wasn’t as dear to my brother as I’d believed, because I knew that nothing would change how he loved me. And it didn’t hurt so much that Noemi didn’t trust me with this secret, because I knew she would still protect me with everything she had. What hurt in ways I couldn’t express was how jealous I was.

The thing I’d been hoping for my whole life was painfully out of my reach. I couldn’t even have it the way they did: brief and beautiful. And I never would. I could see it all too clearly. Rhett adored me, and it was flattering, but I didn’t feel an affection nearly as strong as he did. And . . . I didn’t think I could ever feel for him what I wanted to feel for someone. I wanted to swoon, to pine. I wanted passion and tenderness and . . . a love that might not make sense on paper but was undeniable in person.

It was lost to me.

By the time my self-pity hit in full force, I was at my door. The tears came as I tossed my sword down and tugged at my boots. I undressed myself rather sloppily, throwing my clothes across a couch and storming off to my bed. I buried myself beneath the covers, trying to shut out the world. To shut out the echoing disappointment.

I wished and wished and wished that my mother were here.