A Thousand Heartbeats

I woke several hours later with Thistle’s muzzle on my leg. I looked down at her, wondering why she didn’t run off to wherever it was she tended to hide most of the day. Maybe she just knew I needed her.

The berries I’d picked this morning were still in my waistbelt, and I left them in a little pile for her on the edge of the bed as I redressed myself for the rest of the day. Black pants tucked into black leather boots, white shirt under a black waistcoat. And though I had no intention of riding today, I put on my cape.

I wandered from the depths of the castle out into hazy daylight, the winds off the ocean kicking my hair up as I walked toward the fields.

I could see down the rocky path to the ocean, where people were fishing in tandem with wide nets, using the handful of tiny boats we had. Others were spread out in the fields, harvesting grains. Some fruits and nuts grew naturally in the surrounding forests and up on the mountain, and the land was farmable here if we put in the work. It was a shame that it was so much work.

In the distance, I heard the clanging of swords, and I walked toward the arena, intending to offer a hand in training. Once I got there, though, I could see the group was already in Inigo’s capable ones, meaning I was all but useless. Hitching a foot up on the lowest plank around the arena, I settled in to survey for talent.

“That’s the one,” I heard someone whisper. “Killed three people this morning who tried to run. They say he’s the eyes and ears of Kawan.”

“If they capture someone important, he’s the only one who can . . . take care of them,” another hushed voice replied. “Not even Kawan’s guards are cold enough to kill them.”

“Kawan is strong, but he isn’t heartless,” a third chimed in.

“Do you think he can hear us?”

“If I’m the eyes and ears of Kawan, it’s best to assume I can always hear,” I said without glancing their way.

Then I made the mistake of looking around the arena. Every time I made eye contact with someone, they were quick to turn away.

I knew what recognition felt like. I wondered idly what it would be like to actually be known.

Then a deeper ache came to the surface, and I wondered what it would be like to be forgiven.

I kept my expression blank as I watched the fights, but my thoughts were swirling, tumbling over each other.

“Anyone impressive?”

I straightened as Kawan settled beside me.

I risked looking over at him, hoping he didn’t catch the disdain in my eyes.

He didn’t waste his energy on dressing to impress. He was clad in layers of old leather. His dark hair was tied back, but it was also unbrushed, and one long braid strayed over his right shoulder. It was my eyes that linked me to Mother, but the hair often tricked new recruits into thinking I was also his.

“Hard to say.”

He let out a grunt. “We got two boys in this week from Sibral.”

The word hung between us. Sibral was so far west they were practically neighbors to the enemy.

“That’s a long trek,” I commented.

“It is. They weren’t looking for us, it turns out. Didn’t know we existed. But they wandered to the edge of our lands, and they happily joined for lodging and warm clothes.”

“Didn’t know we existed,” I muttered.

“Don’t worry. They’ll all know soon enough.” He reached down, hitching up his heavy pants. “About your conquest this morning. Three against one is no small thing. But I would prefer that you stop them from running at all, rather than catching them. That would be a better use of your time. And we need the numbers.”

I bit my tongue. It wasn’t my fault if his little kingdom didn’t meet people’s expectations.

“What do you suggest?”

“Appropriate warning.” He looked up to the sky. “I hear you’re giving another lesson tonight. Make the consequences known.”

I looked away, sighing. “Yes, sir.”

He clapped me on the back. “Good boy. Keep an eye out here. If anyone shows promise, report to me.”

With that, he strode away, people parting as he approached. It was a similar reaction to the one I received when I walked somewhere, though his was much grander. I watched him go, thinking there might be something valuable in there. If I couldn’t be known or forgiven, perhaps it was enough to be feared.