Written In Black

She had forgotten what once was, and he would remember what would never be

~

“Mom please!” I pleaded.

“Jay, we’ve been over this--”

“Don’t people get better without them?” She shook her head.

I was beyond terrified, this was my first time getting surgery before, I’ve had friends say what it’s like.

You are asleep while you’re cut open, and you don’t even realize that you fall asleep, you don’t even know what will happen when you wake up.

I realized I was being a child about this, in fact-I was being completely melodramatic, but it was obviously not something I had been through before. I could feel tears running down my cheeks as I started to cry.

“You okay?” I heard a strong voice come from behind me.

I turned to meet his gaze, it was a guy who looked to be older than me, he was tall, with stormy black hair that covered the right side of his face, and brown eyes that were so bright they almost seemed golden.

Not only that, but his skin was almost as pale as the moon, but dark enough to match the sun, it was completely bizarre, and strangely attractive.

On his neck, a long red scar was indented, looked to be maybe a few years old, he stared back at me vividly. But something, seemed vaguely familiar about him. Then I realized he was still waiting for an answer.

I began to wipe up my tears and spoke,“I’m here to have surgery, just a little nervous is all.” I shrugged.

And even though I tried to shake it off, my nose was still runny, and tears were still smudged across my cheeks.

I wish I wasn’t so sensitive about all of this.

A laugh escaped his mouth, “Don’t worry, I understand,” Looking down at the ground, I could make out a small smile across his face.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of,” then he added, “if you want, I can go in with you, I’m here with my grandmother,” he motioned towards the door that leads to the operating room, “she is in now, I am waiting here with my dad.” I looked to his side, to see a short man, no hair, wearing bottle capped glasses, he was hunched over reading a sports magazine.

Though I didn’t know him, for some reason, I felt I could trust him, “That’d be great.” I managed a smile.

As I looked over, he was asking his dad if he could come in with me, he said it was okay. I was getting scared knowing everyone would be coming, but it made me feel a little better knowing that I had people supporting me.

“Mom,” I nudged, “is it okay if he can come in too, he said he’s gotten surgery before, he might help me calm down.” To be honest, I was terrified, and more than anything I needed someone who would help me get through this.

He did say he had surgery before, if he said it would be fine, I believed him.

Mom looked back at the guy and his dad, she gave me a doubtful look then spoke, “Well, it it helps you calm down then alright, but you will fall asleep anyway.” Even when she said that, it gave me chills.

I heard the door open with a creak, my gaze fell on the nurse as she began to speak, “Jay Radner, we are ready for you.”

The nurse looked around the waiting room, then followed my gaze and smiled, “Jay?”

I felt a sudden hole in my stomach, it grew wider and wider, my heart started to prance around like a wild deer.

This was it.

I made my way to the receptionist.

“Is it alright, if I bring some people with me?” I wrestled my fingers together, hoping for the answer I wanted.

The lady replied briskly,“Of course, but it may only extend up to three people.”

I looked back, it was just my mom, and the boy, which reminded me, I hadn’t quite caught his name yet

In fact, I had no idea why I was letting him in with me, considering I had no knowledge of his name, or outside life. As I rambled on with my thoughts I remembered the receptionist was still waiting for me.

I replied quickly, “There’s just two people.”

“Alright, if you and your friends will follow me, we will head to room seventeen.” The hallway to my room was long and slim and the walls had baby blue paint on them.

The halls consisted of the smell of alcohol and medicine, it was cold too, I rubbed my hands against my arms, following the nurse until we made it to my room.

The room itself was at the far end of the hall, to the left. There was a small window next to the door, it led to a scenery of the garden outside. There were lilacs, tulips, and peonies. On one of the tulips, there was a small blue butterfly, collecting its food, as so, it flew away, without any care in the world.

I wish I had that opportunity, it would surely be better than what was about to take place.

I realized I had been caught in another mind-boggle, and had kept everyone waiting once again.

I rushed myself onto a small seat in the corner room, mom sat herself next to the doctor’s chair, and the boy took a small chair meant for a toddler at the front of the room.

The doctor sat down and went through the usual procedures, check-ups, then handed me a robe, “You will have to get changed, and then afterwards, you’ll be sent to the pre-op where you will be prepared for surgery.” The nurse left the room, and so did I.

I led myself to a bathroom and changed, I made sure to tie the gown tight, to make sure nothing showed in front of the stranger in room seventeen.

It looked nice and tight. I headed back to my room, where my mom, the doctor, and the boy were waiting.

The doctor stood up from his chair and spoke, “Are we ready?”

I nodded nervously.

He motioned us all out of the room, then led us to the pre-op, I was told to lay on the bed and get comfortable. I did, as so, I saw the doctor come in with needles and I.V. He injected the medicine twice, one to make sure everything went right, and another to make me fall asleep.

The doctor set the needles in the hazard bag and turned back to me, “You should begin to feel a little drowsy in about thirty minutes,” he checked his watch, “when that happens, you will fall asleep, which is what the sedation was for. Now, do you know what we will be doing, would you like to know?”

I thought about the nurse’s question, all mom told me was that I was getting surgery on my head, I never actually knew what they were going to do.

“What exactly are you going to do?”

“Well Ms.Radner, you have a small tumor in your brain, we need to get in and extract it.”

The doctor noticed my confused look and spoke, “Let’s just say that when we are done, you will be better as ever, you don’t need to worry, we’ve had patients come in with tumors similar to this, every operation has been a success.” Hearing that made me feel a little better inside.

“Is there anything you would like before we bring you in thirty minutes from now?”

I shook my head. “Everything is fine.”

“Alright, just sit tight and relax, and everything will be over shortly.” The doctor left leaving me with my mom, and the boy.

I looked over at mom and noticed she was looking tired and hungry, she had worked over-nights since my dad died, including weekends and weekdays, just to keep up with the bills. We rarely had any time to spend together, I told her I wanted to help with the bills, but she kept saying that I needed to focus on school, and not to worry, like always not to worry.

“Mom?” I asked.

“Yes sweetie?” she turned to me.

“You should grab something to eat, get some rest, I’ll be fine.” Though we both knew that was a lie.

“No, I need to make sure you are alright, you are way more important than rest and a meal.”

“Please mom, you need some sleep, and even if you go, he is still here,” I turned to the boy who had his attention focused on my mom, “he said he would help me, if I can trust that, surely you can as well?”

“I don’t know, are you absolutely sure?” She looked back at the boy hesitantly.

“I’ve never been more positive.” I put on a good smile.

“Alright, but I am coming back the minute your surgery is over.”

“Okay.” She reached to me and kissed me on my forehead, “Be brave Jay, I love you so much, and I am so proud of you for doing this.”

“Thanks mom.” She left and it was just the boy and I.

I looked back at the boy, he was staring at me grinning.

“What is it?” I spoke up, curious by his expression.

“Nothing--it’s just, you are taking this really well.”

“Why do you say that?” I sat up.

He shrugged, “I am just surprised, people who first have surgery aren’t like you, you’re different. You have a really good way of holding it in.” Hearing that reminded me of what I thought about earlier near the garden, with that blue butterfly, about doing what you want, and what you have to do, not being afraid to do the daring…I jumped back to where I was now, in the pre-op with the boy, whose name was still a mystery to me. I decided to change the subject away from my ‘inner-strength’ and finally ask for his name.

“Whats--”

“Peter.”

“How did you know I was going to ask for your name?” I stared at him curiously.

He shrugged, “I would ask the same.”

“So Jay, what school do you go to?”

“I’m a junior at Woodland High, what about you?”

“I’m homeschooled.”

I sat up, “You have never been to a real school before?”

Peter shrugged, “When I try and socialize with people, I am just never…” Peter trailed off.

I already knew what he was going to say, “Good enough?” I guessed.

Peter glanced down at the floor, let out a faint chuckle as he nodded his head, “Exactly.” Peter glanced over at my bag, where I had kept my clothes, and book I had also been reading, “May I?” I shrugged.

He wanted to look at my book?

He turned the book around several times, examining the design, “A broken fall, any good?” he looked back up at me, his eyes stared dead into mine, and for a moment, everything was tuned out except for Peter’s presence, everything else was just hazey. My heart pounded what felt like a thousand times all at once, I couldn’t take my gaze away from his eyes, or from him, for that matter. Every ounce of my attention and feelings were set on this boy sitting across from me in this room. Then all of the sudden a rush of adrenaline ran through me, and I realized, I had a thing for Peter.

I glanced down at my fingers and blushed, “It’s kind of a heartbreaking love story really, just a really romantic guy who is crazy in love with this girl, but they can’t be together.” I looked back at him, he was smiling, almost a cocky smile.

I shrugged, then I added, “Typical really, besides the heartbreak, there’s probably not real love out there.” I blushed again, realizing what I had been talking about with this guy I just met. Suddenly, I started to feel a little drowsy, that scared me. I think I started to go into a small panic attack. Peter noticed.

He definitely noticed, “Breath Jay, you’re just going into a sleep, you won’t even realize-just...look at me.” He held my hand, gently. I could feel the warmth in his hands as he held mine, nobody had ever gone to this trouble for me. I looked at him, I saw the look in his eyes, the look of peace, and calmness, he just stared at me like I was a small infant, a fragile creation in this enormous universe.

“Doctor, she’s ready!” I heard Peter call. I remember seeing two or three people walk me to the operating room…