Wizard for Hire

This day had already been excruciatingly long already, but now I had to drive to Cornwall. Which, as you may know, is the furtherest western point in Britain, meaning a 7 hour drive through the night.

“You seriously want me to drive to Cornwall?” I said as the wizard got himself comfy in the seat like he was about to curl up and go to sleep.

“It’s either that, or 15 years in jail for being an accessory to murder.”

“Let’s go.”

I started the engine and pulled out of the service station. Felix waved goodbye to the hypnotised lady behind the counter, who smiled and waved back. It was all he could do to stop her screaming.

Felix plugged his thumb in his mouth and closed his eyes. It was late and the dark had well and truly set in. I would be driving through the night by the look of it, arriving by early morn. I popped the radio on, changing it from TalkSport to Radio4, and cracked open a large Red Bull.

After two hours of peace and quiet as I wound along the boring M25 motorway, Felix stirred. “Gotta’ get that dog Norton,” he mumbled, thumb still in mouth.

“I know,” I said, unsure if he was sleep talking or not.

“Put your foot down then.”

He was awake. No one was as rude in sleep as they were awake.

Continuing to mumble I had to turn the dial on the radio volume down to hear him. “Must get the dog, must prove innocence. Can’t let you get hurt again Barton.”

“My name’s Norton, not Barton.” I chuckled. “Or you could just call me Will like everyone else does.”

“Oh Barton, you always did make me laugh.” He wasn’t listening, but dozing, head pressed against the glass. “I like Radio4, its very boring… but thats good, its relaxing.”

He started snoring again.

I cracked open another can of Red Bull.

As a strict observer of the law, (not that it mattered too much with the list of crimes I had accrued so far), I always followed rules. Perhaps that’s why my ex-girlfriend found me so frustrating.

Now, I would not normally admit this, but around 3am whilst passing Bristol, I did fall asleep momentarily. I know, I know, I should have pulled over right? That’s what I would have done normally, except there was a now very awake, very bored, very wired wizard next to me telling me to put my foot down instead, and that we didn’t have time to stop!

He was wired because he stole and drank my last Red Bull that I had planned to drink on the home stretch. Now he was playing the drums using the dashboard with his wand as a drumstick.

At least it kind of kept me awake, however fucking inanely annoying it was.

After an hour of this, I couldn’t take it. “STOP IT!” I screamed, louder than I intended. I think some pent-up frustration and anger at this whole situation came pouring out with it.

Felix did stop. I half expected him to carry on regardless, thinking it would be funny to see how far to push me. But, even he knew how important this journey was. Settling, I could see him watching me.

He sniffed, then quite out the blue said: “Do you know why I like hanging around with you?”

“Go on.”

“You’re the first person not to laugh when I told you I was a wizard. You are a close-minded person with an open-mind, you want to believe secretly, but you don’t want anyone to know that you secretly believe, because you are still worried about what people think of you, which as you will find out is a biiiiiiiiig trap baby.”

“So you submit to their version of the world. But that just makes you unhappy, because you don’t understand why someone gives their best years to say, a job or another person, and get nothing in return.

But you also think that the world in insanely unfair, that you are missing out on something. That you ain’t been invited to the party. That there is something wayyyy more important that the weapons of mass distraction that account for television and video games. There has to be something… more… How close am I?”

“Fuck you.”

“Thought so.”

He sniffed again. “Also, I couldn’t hypnotise you. I’ve tried over the last couple days, but it just doesn’t work. That’s never happened before.”

“So,” I said brow furrowing deep due to the tiredness. “The only reason you’ve been hanging around with me is because you wanted to hypnotise me?”

“See previous comment on why I like hanging around with you.”

Involuntarily, I smiled, cheeky sod.

It felt like we were driving to the north pole, it took ages! Mile upon mile of boring road, through the night, on and bloody on. Fortunately, the wizard decided to start voicing his thoughts, maybe he had seen how tired I was, and that it was perhaps in his interest (not to die) by engaging me in conversation.

“The Creep who killed Kriston, also broke into the banks safety deposit boxes across London looking for the ring Kriston hired us to look for. Except, on the last one in Covent Garden, someone had beaten him to it—a well ordered criminal enterprise. We know that from the fact that they broke in via the sewer with tools, and they shot a guard with a gun before running off with a lot of loot. This ring the Creep was looking for, must have been taken unknowingly by the criminals.”

He was looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to work it out. I said: “Which raises the question… how did Kriston get it?”

“Two options,” said Felix. “One, he bought or acquired it from them—which, for many reasons, doesn’t quite fit. Or two, he was one of the criminals…”

“No way!” I cried.

“Now, your moralistic outlook on the world aside, I am the person a criminal calls when they need a hand retrieving their property, they can’t go to the police can they? So they must seek someone like me who comes recommended. Thus, Kriston knew it was stolen.”

It took a moments pause to lay my morals aside and breeze over the wizards admittance to interacting with criminals. “But why are you in the frame for the murders?”

“Ignorance on behalf of the police, got their priorities wrong… knotted up with ambition, statistics and an unhealthy understanding of real magic.”

I bit my lip. “So, by getting this dog we can prove it was this Creep character?”

“Exactly.” He went on, when I asked how the dog would prove that. “Because there are certain things I can do; extract memories for instance.”

I squirmed at the phrase extract memories. “And this Creep is called such because he is not a born wizard?” I said. Felix nodded. “So he will be just a normal person then with a life and a driving license?”

“Of course, but to find out who he is, catch him and make him admit it, I must invent a trap, that’s why getting this dog is so important.”

I watched the sun rise over the horizon, glorious orange rays of sunshine casting the world a merry glow. Even though I was more tired than a tortured prisoner of war, we made it, arriving at the town of Tintagel at 6:37am, my spirits lifted.

Felix was still wired, tapping his leg nervously and saying over and over again that he hoped the dog had not teleported away by now.

Trundling through the narrow roads of the charming town of Tintagel, following Google Maps to the site of Merlin’s Cave, we passed a smattering of early risers, sadistic joggers and dog walkers.

A trickle of nerves dripped into my stomach as Felix directed me off the road, past a sign marked NO ENTRY and onto the grassy clifftop. I pulled the handbrake tighter than usual, even though we were nowhere near the cliff edge.

Having little energy to argue with the wizard about how this was not a suitable place to park, I rested my head on the steering wheel for the briefest moment of rest. Felix opened the car door and yanked me up.

“Come on! We’re here!” he cried, as if we had just arrived at the best fairground in the world. The fresh air was rejuvenating, a wakeful agent that prompted by senses into affirmative action.

Over the top of the cliff edge sat the sea, it’s rhythmic patterns soothing. I bent down and did a yoga stretch to alleviate the hours of sitting. The wizard, who was in the car boot rummaging around in his bag of magic, asked me what I was doing. When I told him he said that when one sleeps, one sleeps in the same position and doesn’t wake up cramped up.

I had not the energy to explain the difference. “Please don’t talk to me about sleep.”

The wizard was putting things in his pockets, as a passer by gave us a dirty look for our choice of parking spaces. Breathing in a large breath of salty sea air, I nearly choked my guts up, for just at that moment did the wizard start spraying something foul.

“Erghh!” I coughed. “What are you doing!”

The wizard was holding a small perfume bottle full of yellow liquid, away from him like a rich aristocrat. “You walk into perfume don’t you?” he said spraying some and walking into it.

“WHAT is it?” I snapped, losing patience.

“It’s called Familiàrity,” he said in a French accent and little flourish of his arms, like he was a perfume model. “The smell isn’t great, but it’s not a perfume, it’s a potion.”

“For what?”

“To mimic the smell of the dogs owner. Now come on, I am ready.”

Felix led the way, steep stone stairs etched into the cliff face, led down to the beach. The wind blew a gust, caught up against the tall rock face. The wizard knew where he was going, and I wondered if Merlin’s Cave was perhaps some secret wizards hideout or something. Leading the way along the beach, we stopped outside the cave. The hole was large, perhaps 15 feet tall and wide. The sea tide had only just given way, for the entrance was sodden wet, small pools still lay, causing me to tip toe round them into the cave.

Felix marched onwards, eyes a-glaze with magic, through the dimly lit cave tunnel. We walked for a thirty feet or so with no sign of the dog, until the light got dark and the comforting lapping sound of the waves became distant. When all of a sudden the wizard held up a hand for silence, I stopped dead still. A small pathetic sounding whining noise coming from further inside.

Felix held a small metallic cube to his throat and started to speak. “Here boy, Harry, it’s me Kriston.”

The cube made Felix’s voice sound exactly as I remembered Kriston’s to be. Whining grew louder, but this time, hopeful. All of a sudden Felix was pounced upon. The dog launched himself at Felix with so much gladness that the wizard nearly toppled over. The small Jack Russell jumping up at Felix, turning flips of excitement at seeing, what he thought in the darkness, was his owner. “Hello boy,” said Felix with the cube, before bending down, and receiving a face full of licks.

Felix looked non-plussed by the love he was receiving and placed the dog lead on Harry’s collar.

“Well thank christ for that,” I said, breathing a sigh of relief that thankfully it was all over. I bent down and played with Harry, who only had eyes for Felix. It looked a bit like his owner, and it definitely smelt like his owner, being so very glad to see him alive and well after being stuck terrified in a dark cave, after unwillingly teleporting around the country by magic.

“Nice one dick-wad,” said Felix angry. I was confused, why was he angry at me? “You spoke too soon! You jinxed us.” He sighed and rubbed his temples.

I didn’t know what to say because I was so confused, how on earth had I jinxed us?

But I didn’t need an answer, because Harry, sensing danger, began to bark loud and viciously at the entrance. It was a bark warning whatever he had seen that he meant business. I was the last to see this danger.

Turning, I saw the silhouette of a man stood tall and still in the entrance to the cave. This overwhelming taste of metal filled the air, a shot of static ran up my spine. It felt more the case, that instead of seeing the Creep, you sensed him. And even though I did not know what he looked like, I knew, we all knew, that it was him.

“Take Harry,” Felix whispered in a grave voice, passing the dog’s lead. “This could get ugly.”

15