Wildling

~~~Ember’s POV~~~

A sob wracked my body, but I refused to let it escape my throat as I laid my head on Jaxson’s chest. I just wanted this moment to last forever. Me wrapped in the safety and comfort of his arms. His body heat radiating off him and warming my cold and dreary body. I cannot break right now. I can’t give in to the enormous pressure, the little voice in my head saying just give up. I can break when he leaves, and I can end this useless life…if I even can.

You don’t deserve him. He would be better off without you. He doesn’t want your pain, misery, and despair dragging him down. He could never love someone so broken and used. You didn’t even wait for him. You let yourself be taken advantage of. I bet his wolf can smell how impure you are. Pathetic.

That voice is determined to see me fall. Never to stand on my own two feet again. To never have happiness or fulfillment.

“You don’t have to explain. It’s I who needs to explain to you.” My voice breaks as I try to contain my tears. I bury my face in Jaxson’s chest as my tears began to leak from my eyes. I can’t hold them in anymore.

God I can’t do this.

I don’t want him to go. I can’t go back to being alone again. I’ve only known him a few days but, in that time, he’s made me feel happy, comforted, and safe. He made me feel alive again. Something I had never thought I would feel after all I went through. How am I supposed to go back to how it was before?

I’m not.

This is it. Time is up. A sob escapes my lips. Jaxson pulls away slightly to look at me. His emeralds glistening with curiosity.

“What do you mean, Em? Why don’t I have to explain?”

I squeezed my eyes shut, and shook my head trying to gain my bearings. Taking a deep breath, the words just blurted from my mouth.

“I know what you are. I’ve always known. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you, but I just wasn’t ready to let you go!” My sobs became uncontrollable at this point. I felt like the remainder of my soul was shattering. First Aoralia, then the rape and torture and now I must let my mate go? The world seems determined to bring me to my knees. Jaxson tightened his grip around me and as my legs gave way, he swiftly picked me up and carried me inside to the couch.

My heart rate accelerated. I couldn’t breathe, my chest was heaving but I felt like I was drowning, and I felt like vomiting. I fumbled out of Jaxson’s arms and fell to my knees. I was on all fours, dry heaving and sobbing and barely registering the pain from my wounded arm. What a great combination. I kept trying to gain my breath but every time I would take a breath it came out in an erratic sob. Why am I so pathetic? Having a full blown panic attack just at the thought of losing someone I’ve known for mere days.

“Ember you have to calm down. You are going to pass out.” Jaxson scooped me back up into his arms and sat down on the couch. He pressed my head into his chest while he held me bridle style across his lap. “Focus on my heartbeat. Please, baby. You are scaring me. Focus on the sound of my heart. It’s beating for you and only you.”

He tightened his grip around my shoulder and waist as I clung to him in desperation.

“Deep breaths, Em. Breath with me. Sync your rate with mine.”

I focused on his heartbeat. Strong and steady. I pushed all other thoughts out of my head. I matched my breathing with his as his heart continued to beat steadily. Its’ melody calming me down bit by bit.

Jaxson rubbed my back as my body continued to tremble. He didn’t speak anymore. He just held me through it. I hadn’t had a panic attack in over a year. I definitely did not miss them. Losing control is never fun. And just my luck, I gave Jaxson even more ammunition to not want me.

I took a deep, shaky breath and pulled away from him. Shifting to the side of the couch to faced him.

His eyes searched my face. Looking for answers to questions we hadn’t voiced yet.

“I’m sorry I troubled you and you had to put up with me through that. It’s been a while since my last attack.” I mumbled avoiding eye contact as I kept my head down.

I am so weak.

“Em, you aren’t a trouble to me. I would do anything for you.”

That tune will change soon.

He reached forward, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear and raised my chin to meet his gaze.

“Please talk to me.” I took another deep breath; how do I break this to him? I squared my shoulders and met his gaze.

“I know you are a werewolf.” His eyes grew wider in surprise. ” And I know you are my mate.” His eyes grew wider if possible, unblinking as he processed my words while his mouth hung open like he wanted to refuse what I just said.

“What?” He breathed. I ran my hands down my face trying to maintain composure.

“Jaxson, I know what we are and what we have.... but we can’t.” My voice cracked as the tears renewed. He scooted forward a bit until our knees were touching and took my hands in his.

“Ember,” He shook his head, “I don’t understand. How could you possibly know about my world? I’m not denying it but you’re human! You knew I was your mate but didn’t say anything?” The hurt look that flited across his face caused my guilt to rise further.

I shook my head. “I didn’t know how to bring it up. And you didn’t say anything either! Jaxson, my past...” I sighed. How do I say this? “My past is complicated. It’s not something I wish to relive. I have to do that enough in my dreams.” He nods knowing I mean my nightmares that he was unfortunate enough to experience. ” I never wanted to lie to you. But I wasn’t ready for this. The last few days with you have been amazing. I never realized how much I deeply missed company. But I knew that once I told you, things would be different. I was selfish, I guess. I just wanted the peace to last a bit.” I smiled sadly.

“Ember why would things change? If you know we are mates and you don’t reject me, it will only change for the better.” He thought I would reject him?! Jaxson looked thoroughly confused and I don’t blame him.

“Of course, I want you! I just can’t have you.” I clenched my eyes shut in pain. “Once I tell you everything, you won’t want me anymore.” I sobbed. Jaxson, to his credit, looked appalled. He was about to speak but I continued.

“My past haunts me. I am still running from it and one day, it will catch up to me. I can never run fast enough to outrun it. I’ve gone through things you couldn’t imagine!” I stood up and began pacing. Jaxson’s eyes never leaving my form.

Show him.

I turned away from him, not wanting to see the disgust on his face once he sees. I took my jacket off and whipped my shirt over my head. I took the final step and unhooked my bra letting it fall off my shoulders to the floor. I wrapped my arms over my chest shielding my breasts.

“This is what they did to me. Who could possibly love me like this?” Jaxson took a sharp inhale, his breathing picking up. I could not bear to look at his face. I stared over at my bed keeping my eyes fixed on the crumpled sheets I hadn’t straitened. “I am tainted, scarred, so unworthy of anyone’s compassion and love, let alone yours.” I kept one arm wrapped around my breasts while my other one covered my mouth as I sobbed into it, trying to keep myself quiet.

I heard the shuffle of feet as Jaxson got up and drew closer. He was studying every inch of my marred skin. I can feel his eyes burning into my back. My chin quivered as I waited, not sure I wanted to hear what he was going to say. I gasped lightly as I felt his fingers begin to trace one of my larger scars.

I looked over my shoulder to see his eyes glistening with unshed tears as he stared, his face grim, at the story of torture displayed on me. His touch was so soft, gentle. Like I was the world’s most delicate flower that would wilt at the slightest touch. He continued to trace one scar that stretched from the middle of my back up over my left shoulder towards my collar bone. I watched the path his hand took over my shoulder. I could feel the warmth of his chest near my back as he drew a little closer. My breath caught in my throat as he leaned down and gently placed his lips where my neck and shoulder meet. Where his mark would have been. I had never felt anything so intense than in this moment right here. His lips searing my flesh as he kisses his spot. Almost like a promise.

As his fingers reached my neck, he placed his palm on my opposite cheek. He turned me around in one swift movement until I was gazing into his eyes. They had darkened showing his wolf was taking in the view as well.

He leaned down still gazing at me, searching for something. I felt his breath can my face.

“You are not unworthy of anything, love.” With that he swooped down and captured my lips with his. I froze for a second before slowly relaxing into his touch. My mouth moving with his. The kiss was sweet and gentle. He never asked for more or tried to push. It was simple but filled with love. A tear escaped my eye causing him to break away from me. His face held a gentle expression as he cupped my cheek with his hand and brushed his thumb over my fallen tear.

“Ember I would never not want you. You are mine if you will have me. It is simply not possible for me to walk away from you, and I’d never want to. You are an amazing person. Strong willed, brave, selfless, and so incredibly beautiful. Your past does not define you.”

He turned around, grabbed my shirt from the floor and slipped it over my head.

“You will never get rid of me. I promise.”

I shook my head. “You can’t promise something like that.” I felt so drained. Today was so exhausting. But I had to finish.

“You still don’t know the whole story. If you ever mark me Jaxson, you will see and feel everything I have ever been through. I can’t do that to you. There is so much more to the story than just these scars.” Jaxson gulped as he processed what I was telling him. He would be in agony. And when he learned that I was impure.... I can’t let him mark me. We can’t be together.

“None of that matters to me, Ember. I would walk through hell itself just to be with you and be able to bear some of your burden. I know you have been through shit that I can’t begin to understand. I know you are afraid and that you don’t trust easily. But I’m not leaving, and I will be with you every step of the way.”

“You don’t want me. I’m not pure.” I whispered my heart breaking. Jaxson’s eyes flashed with pain before he could hide it.

“Even if you know of my world, you are still human. I wouldn’t expect you to be a virgin.” I know deep down he was hurt by this.

Here goes the final blow.

“I was not always human, Jaxson. I used to be a werewolf.” I stared directly into his eyes as he searched mine, looking for the truth. But this was it.

I used to be a wolf. And I let someone who was not my mate take my virginity.

He would leave for sure now. It would be for the best. Now he can live his life free of the burden that is me.

A/N

So, Jaxson hears part of the truth and they shared a first kiss. Let me know what you think!