We, who Survived

I did not know how long I was asleep for but it was long enough to make me feel well-rested. Glancing at my side, Nathan was sprawled out, his head still resting on my leg and hand clenched into a fist.

“Oh, you’re awake...” Looking up, I saw Zed standing in the doorway, a book in his hands. Nodding, I yawned and stretched before getting up slowly, placing my pillow under Nathan’s head. He stirred slightly but was clearly in deep sleep. Exhaling, I walked out of the bathroom.

“Where is Jacob?” I asked, rubbing my face and leaning against the wall.

“Gone looking for raspberries and mint leaves to make tea for Nathan when he wakes up,” Zed replied, closing his book and throwing it onto his bed before crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s an old family recipe before you ask why our brute of a companion is searching for berries and leaves.”

“I wasn’t going to,” I lied, yawning. Gazing into the bathroom, I watched as Nathan’s face scrunched up, fists clenching and unclenching as whatever he was dreaming about intensified.

“Jacob and I were talking while you slept. We think you should take Nathan to Black Reach so he can work out what he wants to do,” Zed said, licking his lips. “He won’t feel safe with Spark walking around the halls freely.”

“Back home he would have been banished and a warning sent out to the other villages. Here, everyone would want to know why he was leaving. I rather wait until Nathan has the courage to talk about it,” I thought aloud. Knowing Zed was right, I pinched the bridge of my nose. “What about you two?”

“We will stay here, continue helping until you are ready to come back. Spark knows better than to fight with us now after what we did to him.” Zed smirked, eyes glistening with dark intent.

“Notify the other leaders that we will be leaving as soon as Nathan is ready. We will take Gem with us while Vector stays here with you guys.” Zed nodded but as he went to say something further, I heard Nathan whimpering before hearing his voice telling someone in his dreams to get off him. Hurrying into the bathroom, I crouched at his side and gently shook his shoulder.

“Nathan, wake up.” I kept calling his name and shaking his shoulder until he jolted up with a hiss. He jumped away from me, his breathing hard and eyes unseeing as he held the covers tightly to his body, pain clear on his face. When he finally realized it was just me sitting in front of him, tears began streaming down his cheeks and he shuffled forward to wrap his arms around my chest. I held him tight, glancing at Zed helplessly. He stared back grimly before leaving.

Is this really how it is going to be? Waking up to resentment holding eyes before they cleared with the realization that I was not the monster that hurt him?

When Jacob came into the bathroom, his face, for the first time since I have known him, scrunched up in worry as he gazed down at Nathan who was curled up at my side under the covers, his eyes focused on the opposite wall.

Jacob cleared his throat before coming in to sit next to me, carefully holding a ceramic teacup in front of me. He kept his eyes off Nathan, a small smile on his lips. The action made me wonder if he had done this before. It just seemed so practised.

“Hey Nathan, I brought you some tea. You don’t have to drink it but it will help with the pain and drowsiness. Zed is busy bringing up some apple slices that your friend Dean cut up,” Jacob said, his voice not hushed or gentle. He spoke with his usual rough accent as if he was engaging in a normal conversation. It seemed to make Nathan feel better as he slowly sat up and took the teacup from him then leaned into my side.

“Thank you, Jacob,” Nathan said softly, taking a sip and relaxing fully against me. Jacob grinned and leaned back on his palms. He must have dealt with something similar to this back in his village to act like this. When he caught my curious gaze, he shrugged it off.

“Did Fern tell you about the plans for the week?” Jacob asked after a moment of silence. Nathan shook his head. I did not want to tell him right after an episode. Jacob stared up at the ceiling in contemplation.

“We have agreed that you and Fern will go to Black Reach, an old cabin used by the Cree when the time of crisis is near. It is a scenic place and there is plenty of wildlife to study and draw,” Jacob explained. “Fern will also teach you how to fight and hunt. When you guys come back, it will be the Day of Reconciliation. I was thinking we could go to the village to celebrate in a way of bringing our people together as you wanted?”

“And are you going to tell your father that you are dancing with space rats?” Zed teased as he came into the room, a bowl of apple slices in hand. He smiled mischievously, ruffling Jacob’s hair as he handed Nathan the bowl. He ate greedily before realizing we were watching him with amused expressions. He blushed.

“The tea made me hungry,” He managed to say around a mouthful of apple. We laughed, getting comfortable in our little circle. Nathan needed to know that we were there for him and trying to make things a little normal was making him happier and more relaxed.

“So, when do you want to go?” Zed asked.

“As soon as I get a pair of pants on should be fine,” Nathan joked, making me smile. He was willing to be so strong when he had the right to curl up and hide. I admired him for his strength.

“It should be in my bag. You guys should go and tell the others of our plans,” I said, rubbing Nathan’s arm as he finished off his tea and apple slices. Jacob and Zed nodded before leaving. As I started to get up, Nathan hugged me, his lips brushing against my jaw.

“I remember what you said last night,” He whispered, making me blush. “One and only huh?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“That’s okay, you will later.”

We stood outside in snow up to our calves as we waited for everyone to register what Nathan had just told them. He did not tell them why he was leaving, rather spinning a white lie of us looking for better food resources to sustain the survivors longer. Spark was not amongst them, smartly giving the excuse that he was unwell.

“Alright, just be careful then. You are taking the giant cat, right?” Maria said slowly, still digesting that only after three days back with them, Nathan was on the move again.

“Yes, Gem is coming with us but you will still have Zed, Jacob and Vector to help you out,” Nathan said, hugging himself and shivering. Placing a hand on his shoulder, I felt his muscles tense before relaxing. Looking down at the snowy ground, I chided myself for touching him. He needed time and space.

“We better start going. A storm looks like it is brewing,” I said, gazing up at the sky before scanning the faces in front of me, allowing my hand to slip off Nathan’s shoulder. “My hunters will make sure you are safe and warm during our absence. They are here to help not to fight, do not give them too much trouble.”

“Just make sure he gets back in one piece,” Dean said, grabbing Charlie and taking him back inside. The others, after their goodbyes and good lucks, left soon after, meaning we were off to Black Reach.

It was slow going at first due to the snow but once we cleared it and entered the forest, it was smooth sailing. Nathan kept quiet, noting our path while Gem strode in front of us. She had our supplies on her back in two leather bags. I carried most of our clothing and blankets. My bow and quiver were the only things I would allow Nathan to carry.

“Tell me when you want to stop and rest, it’s going to be a long walk.” Nathan stayed silent. Glancing at him, I saw silent tears running down his cheeks. He made no move to wipe them away, only to grip my bow tighter.

“Do you think...” He started but his voice got caught in his throat. He sniffed, clearing his throat. “Do you think I will ever be the same again? Being like this, feeling him inside me, it makes my skin crawl and vomit rise in my throat. I don’t want to remember it but even looking at you makes my mind second-guess your intentions. I hate it so much!”

I did not want to stop us from walking, didn’t want to touch him while he was so fragile that he could crumble in my hands. All I could think of was to stare forward, give him that much privacy to cry.

“You won’t be the same Nathan again. You will be the stronger, evolved one who has more than one view on life. I know you hesitate; I can feel it when you tense up, the glimmer in your eye and the plastic smile. Don’t force yourself to rush things, you need time even if it is little.” As I spoke, I kept wondering what Jacob would say. Would he be blunt, soft or both? It irritated me to no end of my lack of knowledge on what to do. Even Hawk would know what to do.

Nathan coughed as he rubbed at his eyes, momentarily stopping and leaning my bow against his leg. Closing my eyes, I turned around and opened them before placing my fists on my hips. He was a mess but maybe if I gave him that chance to see that he was so much stronger, he would pull himself together.

“My intent and I hope you can trust me on this, is to make you... No, help you become stronger. I am going to teach you how to fight, how to hunt and most importantly, how to love yourself because I love you,” I said, full of confidence. Nathan studied me before a shy smile showed itself on his lips. He slung my bow over his shoulders and then walked to stand in front of me. He lifted his arm and placed his hand on my chest, over my heart. I looked down at him curiously.

“I trust you more than you think, it’s Spark who I hate.” Nathan locked eyes with me, his hand falling to his side. “I love you too.”