Way of the Wolf: Redemption

Steam rose from the bowl of porridge to warm my face against the chill morning breeze. Bjarke insisted we open the window to air out the hut but it was getting deep into winter now. There was a snow storm building. A spade was laid against the far wall in case we needed to dig out way out one day.

I ate greedily while my mate finally shut the window and lit the fire, ignoring his smug look. I'd told him I wasn't hungry. But I couldn't resist. Ginger flavoured the porridge and got rid of the last of my queasiness. Someone had made this specifically for me.

A gurgle from the bassinet and I smiled down at the wriggling pup, reaching out to rub his belly. He was wrapped up in soft furs that were getting tangled around his limbs and I reached over to sort them. Despite the freezing cold, his skin was warm, almost burning, a trait of most pups. I'd worried about how warm he was until Bjarke had explained it to me. Something I was sure Madden has told him.

The healer had come round before I'd even woke to check both of us over. I think that was done on purpose so I wasn't awake to get protective. He'd told Bjarke I was to stay in the hut for the rest of the day at least to heal but I didn't mind. I was happy to hide away for as long as I could get away with. My mother would be round soon too, and that clawed at my nerves. It would be difficult to allow another wolf in here. Even the lingering scent of herbs from Madden made my wolf restless.

I frowned at myself. I'd only just become comfortable around the pack and now I felt I was back at square one all over again.

Bjarke came to sit on the bench beside me, his hand falling to my head as he leaned over to see our pup. I heard him hum, and knew he was smiling without needing to see his face. I closed my eyes, tipping my head into his soothing touch.

"He'll have his first shift soon, I can feel it," he said, thumb rubbing circles into my scalp.

"Most pups don't change into their fur until weeks after their born," I argued, remembering Madden's lessons.

My mate hummed again. "True, but I'm certain it won't be too long. I've seen the wolf in his eyes when he isn't fed on time."

I forced myself to smile. It hurt that I'd missed the first few days with my pup. It hurt even more that another female had to feed him, even if it was Katrin, my friend. The first few days were crucial for wolves to bond with their young, and I'd not been there. Bjarke had been there though, and I could feel the amount of love he had for our pup. A pup that would most likely be named by Bjarke because I knew nothing.

Guilt and envy weren't the emotions I should have had but I found I couldn't shake it. I was angry at my mate for having that time with my male. I should have been overjoyed. Happy. Relieved even. Why couldn't I muster up these emotions? What was wrong with me?

"I'm proud of you, my female," Bjarke murmured, tilting my chin up.

Meeting his gaze, my heart fluttered at his words. I didn't realise how much I'd needed to hear that. Turning my head, I kissed his wrist and inhaled the comfort of his pine needle scent. He'd been watching me, I realised, and as always he could read my thoughts like they were written on my skin.

The crunch of snow outside and I stiffened immediately. Bjarke's hand gripped my shoulder and I knew he was ready to put me in my place if he had to. I swallowed the growl down as I watched the door open, shifting my weight and pulling the bassinet closer to me. My mother stepped inside slowly, her gaze on the floor, hands where I could see them.

My breathing quickened as every instinct told me to get the intruder out of my den and away from my pup.

"You know I won't hurt you or your pup, dóttir," she said quietly, sliding to her knees on the opposite side of the fire.

"I know." My voice was gruff, it didn't sound like my own. Bjarke kneaded the tense muscles in my shoulder, and I forced myself to take a breath. I shuddered as my wolf pushed forth at the scent that shouldn't be in here.

My mother stayed completely still, giving me her submission and waiting for my say so before moving. I wondered if I'd still act this way if I hadn't been lost, if I'd grown up with her. But it was more than simple mistrust. I found that I was angry at her as well; for taking my pup out of the den without me or Bjarke with her. That was my right, not hers.

I prepared myself to say as much until I realised Signy's shoulders were hunched up, her hands fisting in her dress.

"Móðir?" I murmured, trying to figure out what was wrong as she took a shaky breath.

"Never frighten me like that again," she choked out.

I blinked in confusion, then realised what she was hiding from me. She wasn't just submitting to me by keeping her head down, she was hiding her tears. I could smell salt in the air alongside the sickly scent of grief. Then her shoulders started to shake as she lifted her head to look up at me. I could see the echo of fear in green eyes that shimmered.

My heart broke. I understood her desperation to see me now; for a moment, she'd thought she was going to lose me again and this time there would have been no coming back.

There was no anger in me now and I didn't flinch when she stumbled across the room and fell to her knees in front of me. I threw myself into her arms, burying myself against her as she held me tight and sobbed against my shoulder. Bjarke moved away to give us a little privacy but I knew he wouldn't leave. He was struggling to let me out of his sight, even just to get breakfast.

"Thank you for looking after him when I couldn't," I whispered, pulling back.

She smiled and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her dress in a way so unlike her. "The pup or Bjarke?"

My mate scoffed but there was a tinge of red to his cheeks.

"Both of them," I replied.

Smiling, she cupped my cheek and I could tell she was trying to gauge how I was as her eyes scanned my face. I gave her a smile in the hopes of convincing her I was okay. Or at least, I would be.

Composed once more, Signy leaned over to look at her grandson. I couldn't help but tense a little as she reached out to stroke his cheek but it was easier to stay in control now. Perhaps all I'd needed was a hug from my mother.

"He really is beautiful," she complimented in adoration.

"He is," I agreed with a smile.

"Does he have a name yet?"

I was about to answer no, but then I remembered my dream. The nightmare that made me sure I would never hold my pup, and suddenly I knew what to call him.

"Basjan," I replied, the name feeling right on my tongue. "His name is Basjan."

Bjarke choked, the jug of water he'd been about to carry over slipping from his hands. He was staring at me with wide eyes, mouth parted in shock. I could feel it shatter through the bond; disbelief, and wonder. Awe even.

"It means berry," I offered in a quiet explanation, confused by his wild reaction.

Signy straightened up, perhaps sensing my sudden unease. Bjarke was still just staring at me. She placed a hand on my arm, the other on the edge of the bassinet. What was wrong with my mate?

"I know what it means," he finally breathed.

I frowned at him as he made his way over and fell to his knees in front of me. His kiss caught me off guard too, nearly knocking me over but I clung onto him and kissed him back. My fingers tangled in his hair and I moaned as his tongue swept along my bottom lip. Signy chuckled, reminding me we weren't alone.

Bjarke pulled back, cupping my cheek in his warm hand while I waited for him to tell me what was going on.

"The name I had picked, you wanted to know what it was," he prompted, grinning at me.

I nodded, completely lost, even as my mother seemed to understand.

"Basjan." He laughed and kissed me again but I was too shocked to kiss him back this time.

That couldn't be true, could it? He had to be mocking me.

My gaze flicked over to my mother who was sitting smirking, looking down at my pup. Maybe there was something to her visions after all. But while it made Bjarke happy I'd known the name to choose for our son, my stomach twisted violently. It wasn't just a dream then. It had meant something. So what about the rest of what I'd seen with Valdis? Was there more to that too?

"How about we allow Fenna to come see her nephew?" Signy suggested, and I nodded without really thinking about it. At least Fenna brought a promise of chocolate.

Bjarke ruffled my hair and stood. "I should check in with the pack. I won't be too long. You females enjoy yourselves."

That did catch my attention. Anxiety built at the idea of being left without him and I gripped his hand tight.

"I'm Beta, my female. With Orin and Jakkon gone, and Signy and Fenna here with you, I'm in charge here. Dirk can only handle so much," he joked, squeezing my hand. "Eat some more in a while, yes? Make sure you keep drinking."

I nodded and forced myself to release his hand. He wanted to introduce our son to the pack in a few days, I had to start taking the steps so it would be easier. I watched him pause at the door and look back at us, such love and affection in his eyes.

Signy was still smiling, eyes glinting as she watched us. A cry from my pup and I was happy for the distraction. I picked him up carefully, still so afraid I'd hurt him. He settled immediately and wriggled to get closer.

"You should leave him outside in the Bassinet, the cold air is good for them. Maybe you could leave him out with Ásdís, they'll grow up together," Signy advised, reaching out to stroke the few wispy strands of hair on Basjan's head.

I didn't like that idea. In fact, I didn't want to let him out of my sight ever again while the threat of Valdis hung in the air. She watched me closely and I decided it was best to voice my concerns.

"He's going to come for my son," I whispered, a tremor in my voice.

She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. "I've fear that too, but he won't succeed if he does try. Your father and brother will be back any day now and that rogue would be stupid to attack us here in the midst of winter. We will keep you and your son safe. But you can't live in fear, my female. You can't hide away in here. It won't be good for either for you."

"I know," I replied, looking down at my son with a pain in my chest. "I'll try not to hide. When Orin and father get back, I think I'll feel better."

Cupping my cheek, that twinkle was back in her expression. "He'll be overjoyed to know you called him father. And he and Orin will both be overjoyed to see you and your pup are well."

Before I could reply, Fenna popped her head around the door. White snowflakes clung to her dark hair, quickly melting from the warmth of the den. I could see snow billowing around behind her and she came in quickly, shivering as she shut the door securely.

I fought back any need to growl at her presence, holding my son a little tighter and angling him away from his aunt. Even though the rational part of my mind told me that Fenna wouldn't dream of hurting him, I watched closely.

Hunching down by the fire, she held her hands out to the flames. "We may have to dig our way out tomorrow. I'd greet you but I'm freezing and I don't want to get you cold."

"I can greet you from here," I replied, reaching out to touch her arm.

She smiled then lifted up the furs she wore to pull out a bar of chocolate. This one was in a different coloured wrapping than the first but I took it when offered none the less. Her eyes fell to my pup and the smile changed, softening.

I knew she wanted to lean in but she remained still. Bjarke had probably warned her I was a little temperamental. Slowly, I loosened my grip and turned so that Fenna could see his face.

"We've named him Basjan," I told her, recognising the look of awe. She couldn't help but lean in now, breathing in the new scent.

"He looks like you," she noted, stroking over his nose. "A beautiful pup."

I was glad to hear that. Relieved even. It pained me to think he could grow up and take the image of a male that had hurt me. Perhaps he would grow up to look like my father or brother instead. I didn't want to think he might one day ask why he doesn't look like his father, my mate. Would I tell him the truth? Make up a lie? Would it hurt him to know who his sire was?

Bjarke would tell me I was overthinking.

"A beautiful pup," I repeated, more to myself than the females who crooned over my him.

When he began to get restless again, I loosened my dress so he could feed. There was no embarrassment as Fenna watched with that same smile as earlier. I studied her, and understood that she was feeling the instincts of her wolf craving a pup of her own. I wondered if, like Aljana, she wanted to wait. Bjarke had spoken about how she and Orin wanted to travel before settling into the pack. I chuckled as I tried to imagine my brother as a father. It was hard to differentiate him from the stern but playful teenage wolf I could now remember. But then I didn't see myself as a mother either, and here I was.

"Do you want to hold him, Fenna?" I asked, despite the very idea sending me nearly crazy with anxiety. "You could burp him for me. I can't seem to do it right."

She looked surprised by my offer, and then glanced down at the pup with a hint of nervousness that wasn't anything like her. She had younger cousins, she'd told me herself how she used to babysit for them, surely she knew what to do.

With a jerky nod, she grinned. "It's been a while since I've held a newborn pup. I might not be able to give him back."

A low growl rumbled out and my mother was quick to silence me with a growl of her own. My head ducked down, submitting. Fenna looked apologetic for saying it at least. A bad turn of phrase, one that I couldn't help but react to.

After a few deep breaths, I forced myself to hand him over. Fenna took him carefully, shuffling closer so I wasn't far from him. I was right, she looked natural holding a pup, more natural than I did. My arms were awkward and unsure.

"I can't wait to see Orin holding a pup. He's good with the little ones but I've never seen him with a newborn," Fenna said, stroking over a red cheek before holding him to her chest as I threw a cloth over her shoulder.

"Hopefully they'll be back tonight or even tomorrow. But this den isn't big enough for all of us to come see the pup," Signy hinted, eyes on me.

I hummed my annoyance, but she was right. When my father and brother returned, it would be time to leave the den to show the whole pack my pup. I could manage it, I told myself. With Bjarke by my side. He'd sense if I got overwhelmed or irritable and hide us away until I calmed down like usual.

Would my mood start levelling out now? I hoped so. I hated feeling forever restless and defensive. My fingers slid towards the chocolate and I tore a piece off for each of us. Fenna jutted her chin out and opened her mouth, her hands full with my son and I laughed as I had to place it between her teeth. She mumbled a thank you through it and winked.

"I'm surprised you still have any left," Signy exclaimed, happily taking a piece too. "Orin and Jakkon can't stand it but I thought more females would have taken some."

Fenna shrugged a shoulder, patting the pup's back in a different way than how Bjarke had shown me. "Katrin didn't like it either, she found it too sweet. Aljana took a lot, but I'm not sure if it was for her or Madden."

"What will we do when it runs out?" Signy sighed, eyeing the piece she held.

"I can always run to a town or village for more, and bring some back when I visit my family again. Maybe you could come with me, Freydis. My aunt is the pack healer and she works with a real doctor. You could learn more about being a midwife there," she suggested.

"A doctor?" I repeated the unfamiliar word with a frown.

"A. . .professional healer that uses modern medicine. She studied at a human university. A place of learning," she struggled to explain, but I think I understood.

"Like a school?"

Fenna nodded. "Exactly like a school. Sam will be able to teach you things even Madden might not know. Perhaps we could bring back medicine along with chocolate."

"You'll have a hard time getting these wolves to trust human medicine." Signy chuckled. "But I think it's a good idea. Bjarke might enjoy visiting a tame pack, he could learn things too."

I watched Fenna give my mother a playful flash of fang at the word tame in amusement. She hated that word as much as I hated the word feral.

They were trying to encourage me, but I didn't think I was brave enough to leave the pack and go to a whole new country to a pack whose ways were far different from here. They would definitely consider me feral. But I did want to learn. I wanted to make sure I could help any female and pup so none would go through the things I'd seen.

With Bjarke there, maybe I could make that journey. Orin would definitely keep me safe too. My pup was far too young to travel though, and the thought of leaving him behind filled me with terror.

"Once Basjan is old enough to travel that far, maybe I will," I agreed, reaching out to take my son back.

I laid him back in the Bassinet, half listening to Fenna talk to Signy. Their conversation was vastly ourshined by how content I was to simply sit and watch the life I'd grown inside me thrive. Little arms and legs flailed out then in the blink of an eye, the air around him fizzled with energy. I gasped as I watched him change forms, fur sprouting quickly, bones reshaping. At first I wanted to scream in horror, but it was clear he wasn't in any pain. Signy leaned over at the same time as Fenna asked me what was wrong.

I grabbed her arm and tugged her closer, unable to believe it. Normally pups didn't shift for weeks, not mere days. But there he was, grey furred and bleary eyed, not quite able to stand up on four paws.

Bjarke was right, they all were, my pup was strong. He would be okay.