Waiting For Spring

At first, all I heard was the crackling of a fire. The smell of ash, as logs burnt in the fireplace filling my senses. I could feel its warmth through my soft, heavy blankets. Despite the pounding in my head, I felt content. Then I opened my eyes.

I was greeted with the familiar sight of a castle room. Probably the one I had escaped earlier. I blinked a few times to try and focus my eyes but the pain in my head was making it difficult. How had I ended up here again?

The last thing I remembered was running through the forest away from Troy’s men.

‘You’re awake,’ a deep voice said, breaking through my thoughts before they could take root. ‘Good.’

‘Troy?’ I croaked, pushing up in my bed only to fall back down when a sharp pain filled my head. I clutched it in earnest but it didn’t stop the pounding. The lump I found on the back clearly the cause of my pain.

‘You should rest,’ he instructed cooly.

‘Why did you bring me back here?’ I scowled, rubbing my temples gently.

‘The king wished to speak with you as soon as you awoke.’ He announced. Then, he moved from where he sat beside my bed and rang the bell to call my maids. Marla’s disapproving scowl was the last thing I needed right now.

‘Why couldn’t you have left me where I was?’

‘I must alert the king,’ he answered emotionlessly. Never once did he make eye contact with me.

‘I don’t want to see him,’ I hissed at his retreating back. He paused for only a moment before he disappeared through the doors, letting them fall shut behind him with a soft click.

Only minutes later the servants door opened to reveal a predictably disapproving Marla. She bustled over to my bedside, muttering disapproving things under her breath but never addressing me. She set a bowl of hot soup on my bedside before she forcibly readjusted me in my bed.

‘Hello Marla,’ I finally said. Annoyed at being ignored.

‘Highness,’ she curtseyed stiffly. Then she straightened out the covers before tucking them in tightly so it was almost impossible for me to move.

‘How angry is he?’ I finally asked when I knew she was readying herself to leave. She froze midway through straightening another blanket at the end of the bed. She seemed to wince at the question. At first, she didn’t answer. She just stood there, straightening and then re-straightening the blanket. When she finally seemed satisfied she turned to leave and I felt my heart race.

‘Marla, please,’ I all but begged but all she did was send me a pitied look before she slipped back inside the servants corridor.

As if she knew he was near, leaving just before I heard the sound of doors slamming. That could mean only one thing. The king was here and I had my answer.

‘I should have you locked up. I should put bars on your windows and half the army outside your door but maybe you would just see that as a challenge. Do you have any idea the chaos you have caused? Your identity needs to remain a secret. Don’t you understand that?’

‘Rosie has always been a secret. No one has ever known who I am.’ I grumbled. He had stormed through my doors, his eyes filled with an unspeakable rage. He stood tall at the end of my bed, filling the room with his overwhelmingly intimidating presence.

‘Your true identity,’ he spat. I glanced up to see Troy slink into the room. He stood several paces away from the fuming king. His eyes flickered to mine for a moment but as soon as he saw me watching him he looked away.

‘Do you understand what is at stake here? You are the only thing that stands between me gaining peace for my people. You are the final move on the chess board. Without you, this war never ends. My people continue to suffer from this senseless fight.’

‘If it’s senseless, why don’t you end it?’ I shot back. My face scrunched in anger. I didn’t want to be anyone’s chess piece.

‘I will not be the one to concede. I will never be the first to show weakness,’ he answered proudly. If it were possible, he seemed to grow even taller.

‘Then you are a fool,’ I scoffed. In the corner of my vision, I saw his body tense and his fists clench tightly at his sides. He didn’t like to be challenged. Unfortunately for him, I didn’t like to be controlled.

‘Says the child who snuck out of a castle simply to avoid her responsibilities.’

‘When those responsibilities include marrying a man they do not know and relinquishing all their freedoms, I think that child is entitled to run.’

‘You can think what you like but after this stunt you can expect to have even fewer freedoms than I granted you previously,’ he answered stoically. His face was an emotionless mask, very much the face of a king. The face of a ruthless, heartless ruler.

‘How could you possibly take more from me?’

‘You should have learnt by now, princess. There is nothing I can’t control. There are no limits to my power.’ His voice was low and controlled. It was infused with his authority and left the room in silence with only his words ringing loudly in my ears. His dark brown eyes were eyeing me intently, burning tracks into my skin.

The only sign of emotion were his fists still clenched tightly at his sides. I told myself to remain still under his cool gaze but instinctively I shifted, discomfort running rampant through my bones.

‘You have forced my hand, princess,’ he said under his breath before he spun and stalked from the room. All I could do was watch his retreating back, baffled by his final words. Yet, despite my confusion, I couldn’t help but feel an anxiousness start to build in the bottom of my stomach. My heart beat long and hard in my chest. Uncertain of whether it should race in anticipation of the king’s next move or stop completely.

‘Princess,’ I started at the sound of the captain’s voice and when I looked up he too was walking from the room.

‘No, wait, please,’ I gasped. My voice was as shaky as my trembling hands. Troy froze with his hand poised above the door handle but he didn’t turn around. ‘Wh-what is he going to do?’ I stuttered and in response, all he did was heave a long sigh. The room remained silent but still he didn’t move.

‘Troy?’

’It’s already done,’ he answered finally. Then he slipped through the door without another word. I didn’t have the strength to stop him, to ask for more. My heart had fallen from my chest and my breath had rushed out of me in one giant gust of air. What had they done?

It was several hours before Marla returned. She slipped silently through the service door, replaced my soup with a more substantial meal but still she refused to speak with me. Just as I refused to eat what was placed beside me. The only thought playing through my head was, It’s already done.

What was already done? What had the king done to ensure I remained in my place? There were few things in this world I cared for and even fewer that would keep me here. What did he have that would force me to stay?

Marla fussed around my chambers for several long minutes before she disappeared through the service door again. I was left in silence to stare at the crackling fire as my thoughts stole my attention.

‘You should drink your tea.’ I felt my body tense at the sudden voice. My eyes snapped over to the door of my chambers to find the captain with his arms crossed tightly over his chest. His eyes were locked on me with an intensity that had goosebumps rising on my skin and a chill settling over my heart. Yet, beneath it all, I could see his sadness.

‘It will help with your head,’ he continued, taking a step into my room. Instead of following his commands I glared down at my hands.

I would much rather suffer a sore head than listen to his advice. He was the right arm of the king. He was the reason I had been returned.

‘Why are you here?’ I grumbled, clenching my fists tighter in my lap. What more could either of them have to say to me?

‘I wanted to ensure you were well.’

‘And what is your assessment? Does my health meet the king’s standards?’ I spat back, grinding my teeth in annoyance. At first, the captain seemed to only offer a sigh in response before I heard his footsteps moving closer to my bed. I heard the scrape of a chair and I knew he now sat beside me despite my desire to keep my eyes averted.

‘Rosie, the king...James wants to see you well. He cares for you very deeply and has done very little since you disappeared other than search for you.’ I scoffed at his lies, turning my back on the captain and pulling my covers higher.

‘He may seem uncaring but that is only in response to your actions. You need to give him a chance,’ he implored and in an instant I had spun back to face him as anger roared loudly through my ears.

‘So it is my fault he treats me like a prisoner? Is it my fault he yells and screams and stomps around? Why should he get a chance when I was never offered the same opportunity? He locked me up before he knew I would run.’

‘But you did run,’ the captain stated calmly, cautiously.

‘Only because I don’t want to be locked in his cage for the rest of my life. What hope did I have of ever being treated as more than an object, a prize? I don’t even know what the agreement was in the first place. Yet, I was expected to uphold its terms for a people I have never met. I may be this...lost princess but I don’t remember. Anything before the night of the fire that almost took my life has been erased from my memory. All I know is what I am now.’

My breathing was laboured and I could see my flushed face in the looking glass behind Troy but I refused to back down. Hating the look staring back at me in Troy’s eyes I instead focused on the sun as its light travelled across the wooden floors in my room. It was growing more yellow as it started to dip bellow the mountains in the distance. The very mountains that separated Citra Colonia and Paca Territorus.

Without warning Troy stood, straightening his captain’s jacket before holding his hands tightly behind his back.

‘The king has arranged for a tutor to arrive tomorrow. She should straighten any misconceptions you might have over you being here. As well as verse you in everything required for you to participate in court this coming week.’

‘Court?’

‘You should be grateful, princess. Despite your antics the king is willing to allow you outside of this room.’

‘Grateful?’ I hissed. He looked down at me shaking his head in disapproval.

‘Arlarose, do not think for a moment that you have any control over the king’s actions. You may be his betrothed but he will not tolerate your childish displays. You would be wise not to push him anything further.’ Troy warned in a tired tone.

‘Or what?’

‘Or those...friends you were running with will remain in the king’s cells for the rest of their days.’

‘What?’ I whispered. Everything inside of me seemed to drain away. My heart seemed to stop as I thought of all those boys locked away in the darkness. Trapped beside men who had committed real crimes.

‘Watch your step princess,’ he warned before he disappeared through my doors.

The next morning, just as Troy had said, there was a tutor waiting for me. After I had finished breakfast a narrow eye, grey-haired, stout woman began my “education.”

‘Princess, are you even listening?’ Came her shrill voice followed closely but a rap across my knuckles from her ruler. I scowled at her from across the table but offered her no response. What reason did I have to learn about the history of the region?

‘What were the terms of the deal your father agreed to?’ She demanded shooting me an icy glare.

‘He was not my father,’ I muttered, slumping further in my chair and keeping my hands hidden beneath the table.

‘What were the terms, princess?’ She pushed, her eyes growing even narrower.

‘A dead princess was promised to the prince of Citra Colonia in exchange for aid during the time of famine in Paca Territorus.’ She had been prattling on about it for the past hour and the terms of the agreement were still a little foggy to me. Above all, I was confused why a father would ever agree to such a deal. After all, it was the kings of the two countries who made these agreements. Promises their son’s had inherited once they died.

‘What were the other terms agree upon by the kings of the two nations?’ She scowled, unimpressed with my answer. Little did she know I wasn’t going to offer her another.

‘Princess,’ she prompted impatiently, tapping the tip of her quill loudly against the parchment in front of her. I had yet to use my own, much to her chagrin.

‘Why does it matter?’ I hissed, throwing my arms against the table, causing several books to tumble from it. ‘Why does it matter what the terms were? Knowing them will not change the king’s decision. I will still be trapped here whether I know what they are or not. This is pointless.’

‘Princess-’

‘Stop calling me that,’ I shouted before she rapped her ruler across my knuckles again. Instantly, I was on my feet, my face flushed in anger. The malicious woman was about to shout at me only to be interrupted by the sound of the door opening to my rooms. The captain of the guard walked in with his familiar gait taking in the scene with his calculating eyes.

‘Miss Lucinda, is there a problem?’ He asked cautiously, stopping in the centre of the room and sending me a curious look.

‘The princess is less than cooperative to my efforts, Lord Hennison,’ she said, shooting me a look as she curtseyed to the captain.

‘Why don’t you both take a break? Perhaps, the princess and I might have a discussion until you return.’ I already dreaded whatever conversation I was about to have with the captain. I knew it wasn’t going to be good.

I heard Miss Lucinda let out an audible sigh before she curtseyed again to the captain.

‘We will begin on manners when I return, princess,’ she threatened. Suddenly, history didn’t sound so bad.

Once she had left her threat, she darted out of the room, not pausing for a moment. She was probably afraid the captain would make her stay.

‘You need to listen to Miss Lucinda, Rosie,’ Troy sighed before he walked through to the dining room. I followed closely behind him as Georgia and Georgette scurried around setting the table.

‘It is paramount that you learn all that she is trying to teach you. In order for you to become the queen this country deserves.’ All I did in reply was let out a frustrated sigh. I didn’t know how to tell them another way that I didn’t want this life.

‘I’m tired of fighting with you,’ I muttered before I slumped into one of the chairs around the dining table. Georgia and Georgette curtseyed silently before they slipped from the room leaving the captain and me to dine alone.

Everything was as it was. As if I had never escaped.

‘Then don’t,’ he shrugged, sitting down across from me and loading up his plate. ‘Accept your fate. Embrace it.’

‘I don’t fit here,’ I answered softly, feeling unwelcome insecurities whisper in my ear. Every day I felt my reality become more solid and less uncertain. With every day, I fell further into their world and came closer to acceptance. Yet despite it all, I felt as if I was a passenger in my own life. I felt as if the floor had been ripped out from beneath my feet and my world had been blurred at the edges. How was I ever to accept something so unreal?

Dazed by my thoughts, I absently played with the locket around my neck. Taking comfort from its warm, solid presence around my neck. It was my only certainty, yet it was something that had always held great mystery. Who were the people placed inside, if not my parents? For all I knew it was something I had picked up on the streets and the people inside had no bearing on my life.

‘This place is where you have always belonged.’ Troy began and slowly I let my focus drift to him. His food played untouched on his plate as he regarded me with a sad look. I knew even despite his hard exterior at times he was capable of kindness. A kindness I had yet to see exhibited by the emotionless king. ‘After your birth, James made it his mission to protect you. The months he didn’t spend at your castle he spent here. Training or trying to convince his mother and father and yours to let you stay with him. He has always been keenly aware of his duty to not only his people but to you as well.’

Troy paused for a moment, seemingly lost in his own thoughts and I waited patiently for him to continue. Still I held my locket tightly, anxious to hear more of a past that might be my own. Being a child on the streets we all had one thing in common. Our past’s were best left behind us. Whether we could remember them or not.

‘He knows you Rosie and despite the way he acts, I know he wants to know you again.’

‘I don’t know,’ I answered, almost incoherently. I felt the beginnings of panic start to stir in my chest. Every time they spoke of the past or my future I felt as if the fabric of who I was, am and will be were being torn apart at the seams. Every day, I was forced to learn something new about myself or about this person, this princess, who I was meant to be.

‘I don’t claim to know his intentions but your actions have done nothing to quell his fear and anxiety. Your loss took a great toll on James and now I fear he is reluctant to get close to you. Or more importantly, he is afraid to let you get close to him. You’ve had a life he cannot reconcile with the young girl he once knew.’

‘I don’t know that girl,’ I muttered, letting my hands fall to my lap where I twisted them mercilessly.

‘And that makes it the more difficult, for both of you.’ He answered sadly. ‘When you disappeared there were many who speculated that the king carried it out.’

‘The king?’ The same man they claimed was my father. Why would my own father not want me?

‘He was set to lose a lot if the marriage was to proceed.’

‘Then why agree to it?’ I frowned. Why would a king make a deal he didn’t want?

’You weren’t born yet. I guess he hoped you would be a son and then there was no way the deal could be sealed with one of his own children. Your father wasn’t thinking ahead. He made a deal that would help his people in the time of need. If you were a son the obligation would have passed on to one of your brother’s daughters and James’s son.

‘So, the king tried to have me killed because he didn’t want to honour the deal?’ I asked in disgust.

‘That is the rumour but there are so many theories that tell the tale of your disappearance. You have been the greatest mystery of both our kingdoms for so long. Before you disappeared there were uprisings among your people.’

‘Why?’ It was hard to think people I didn’t know could hate me. What if they were to reveal me and these same people still held the same thoughts towards me?

‘With your marriage to James, Paca Territorus was set to lose the Shinai Mountains that separate our nations. These mountains are rich with gold and would be a great loss to your country’s economy. As well as port rights and other concessions made by your father.’

‘Why would he agree to give up so much?’

‘Your people were dying. The kingdom was suffering from a terrible drought. No crops would grow and water was scarce. In return for the mountains, Citra sent aid of food and water supplies that were rationed out to your people until the rains returned. However, even in their time of greatest need, there were proud people who denounced the agreement. They refused the rations and many died because they were too proud to accept Citra’s help.’ Troy finished sadly. It appeared he mourned those people much like he would mourn the loss of his own people.

‘So, my father tried to have me killed,’ I bit back. All I’d ever wanted in life was a family. A place that was my own with people who loved me. However, if I was to accept this fate it seemed I would be accepting a father who never wanted me in the first place. A father who tried to have me killed.

‘It was rumoured there were many attempts on your life before you finally disappeared. When James was just a young prince he petitioned for his father to bring you into their protection. To shield you from your own people but your father refused. As did your mother. She refused to give up her only daughter. She was certain she could protect you.’ Although he spoke of a mother’s love I never knew, all I could focus on was how my own people had tried to have me murdered. Those same people the king and Troy kept persisting that I had an obligation to. They wanted me to assume the crown of a princess, that by all accounts, no one wanted.

‘What if they find out I’m still alive?’ I asked, voicing the same desperate thoughts that had started to roll through my head. ‘You should have left me on the streets. I was safer there. Everyone was safer with me there.’

In an instant, I was on my feet and racing through the door of the dining room. I ran straight for the doors of my room and throwing them open. However, I barely made it passed the threshold when I felt two burly arms wrap around me tightly, restricting any further movement.

‘Whoa princess,’ Mantai said, lifting me from the ground and starting to walk me back into my rooms. ‘I’m not prepared to be on stable duty in the foreseeable future.’

‘You need to let me go,’ I gasped, trying to fight out of his hold but he held firm.

‘Rosie, you are safe here,’ the captain tried to placate but my breath was already short and my head light. Flashes of crowds of people chasing me through the streets of Citra clouded my vision. They screamed for my death as the city around them burned.

‘James will keep you safe,’ he promised but it rang hollow in my ears. How could I know that? I had been lost before. What was to stop it from happening again? If those years erased from my memory were really ones of when I was a princess then I couldn’t imagine the contempt for me had changed. Not when there was a war raging because of my absence.

What would they do if they learnt I had been hiding on the streets all this time? They wouldn’t care that I had no knowledge of who I was. All they would care about were the loved ones they had laid to rest. I was the cause for their loss. I was the reason for their sadness.

‘W-what if they are inside the castle? What happens when the people learn of my identity? People are dying because of me. Maybe my father was right to kill me,’ I finished quietly, a numbness washing over me. How was I to live when I knew there were people better than myself dying because of me? My body had gone limp in Mantai’s hold and gently he had rested my feet on the ground. Troy, quickly shaking off the shock of my words, stood before me with a pained look on his face.

‘Rosie, don’t think that,’ he said sternly. ‘Never think that.’

I didn’t reply. Instead, I fell gratefully into his hold. Letting the warmth of his body chase the chill away in mine.

He held me tight, whispering words of comfort and reassurance in my ear but in my mind they were just background murmurs.

My hands hung limply by my sides as my head tucked neatly under his chin. Slowly, the rhythmic beat of his heart lulled me into a calmer state. With gentle words and even gentler hands he led me to my chambers, ringing the bell to call for Marla and my maids. He placed me on my bed where I slumped against the mountain of plush pillows.

Once Marla arrived, he directed her and my maids to dress me for bed, despite it being only late afternoon. They nodded in acknowledgement as Troy readied to leave but not before he placed a gentle kiss on my forehead.

‘You are safe and you are wanted. Please remember that Rosie,’ he murmured. Then he was gone. Taking his warmth with him.

I was changed in a blur and before I knew it was tucked beneath the comforting covers of my bed.

Marla fussed by my side for a few minutes then disappeared through the servants door after Georgia and Georgette. Then I was alone to allow sleep to steal my thoughts. Until all I saw and all I heard was nothingness.