(Un)wise

Several hours later, I heard the loud roar of a motorcycle behind me. I looked back, saw it was Luke, and suppressed the urge to run. It wouldn’t do any good. He would just chase me. Besides, I’d already decided to talk to him…to see if he really was like Baen. So I stopped walking and waited.

My stomach tugged and twirled as I watched the bike slow. I forced down my physical reaction—it had been used against me in the past—but that didn’t stop me from appreciating how good he looked.

He pulled up beside me and cut the engine. His hair was slightly mussed from the ride, and his eyes sparked with annoyance.

“Are you mental?” He dismounted with grace and pulled off his leather jacket.

Too stunned by the sudden display of beautifully defined pectorals beneath his t-shirt, I couldn’t answer. Sure, I’d remembered a few Mates from past lives, but none attracted me like this. He was even more dangerous to me because of it.

He stalked toward me, and I didn’t even have a chance to squeak in protest when he pulled the duffle off my shoulder.

“You’ll freeze out here.” He set the still warm jacket on my shoulders and zipped me in without waiting for me to put my arms in the sleeves.

Every time he found me, he helped me. I tipped my head back and stared into his eyes. He watched me intently. Tiny flecks of green and gold peeked through the soft brown of his eyes. Inside, I gave a little sigh of appreciation. How stupid was I to want to trust this man? I needed to be practical. Squashing my tingling awareness, I recalled what had happened in my last dream. Even my help had set me up to die. Wasn’t there a way to live that didn’t involve torture or forced servitude?

“Tell me about my sister,” I said as I shoved my arms through the sleeves. The jacket was better than the hoodie alone.

“Sister?” he asked completely confused.

“The one who sent you to find me.” It came out with more force than I’d intended. I knew better than to provoke his kind. I was tired. Trying again in a softer voice, I said, “You said she was weak. Did you hurt her?”

He snorted. “Not a chance. Her guard dog doesn’t let anyone near her.” He smirked and added, “Well, he tried to keep us away.”

What was that supposed to mean? She was being guarded, and he’d found a way to her. But, which side was guarding and which side was going around the guard?

I eyed him as he stood before me. In just a shirt, he didn’t seem bothered by the cold. They never really did. I needed to know his intentions. Did he really want to help me like Baen, or was he like the rest? I couldn’t ask him outright. These creatures were never honest. But, they were easy to provoke.

Calming my overly attentive physical awareness, I stepped toward him. He watched me with cautious eyes, no doubt remembering my attempt to knee him. Placing my hands on his shoulders, I stood on my tiptoes stretching to get as close to his height as possible. His heat warmed my palms, and my stomach went crazy. The muscles beneath my fingertips twitched, and a shudder passed through him. His pupils dilated. His attention intensified, and I doubted he heard anything around us. His reactions affirmed what I already knew. We had a connection. But what would he do about it?

I leaned in further and let my cheek touch his jaw. His tremors grew. I knew I was playing a dangerous game. His hands settled on my waist, and the touch spiked my heart rate despite my efforts to control myself. I couldn’t be sure whether my reaction was fear or excitement, and it worried me. I needed to stay strong. I knew that a sliver of weakness could bring my downfall.

Against his ear, I whispered, “I will not choose you,” as a test—as a statement of truth.

When I pulled back, his eyes were closed and his jaw clenched. As slowly as I’d approached him, I eased away. His hands dropped from my sides without a fight. My throat tightened as I watched him struggle. Fear pooled in me. He inhaled deeply, and I knew he smelled it on me.

After a moment, he calmed and opened his eyes.

“Good,” he agreed amicably. “Someone your age shouldn’t be choosing.”

My age? His words confused me as much as they comforted me. He hadn’t grabbed me or insisted I was wrong, and I hadn’t died. Still, I’d never met one of them that didn’t insist on biting. Even Baen had asked me to bite him the first time I’d met him, and I’d been nine in that life. Things might just be looking up.

He turned away from me and mounted the motorcycle. Then, he held my duffle out toward me. “Coming?”

He’d found me and, apparently, was set on following me. Why not take advantage of it? Stepping forward with lingering reservations, I grabbed the bag and nodded. If he wasn’t here to help, I’d find out soon enough. At least sleep wouldn’t tempt me so much if the wind battered me as we traveled.

I put the strap across my body and climbed on behind him. As I wrapped my arms around his middle, I noticed his flinch.

“And stay away from my neck,” he said as he lifted his feet from the road and eased forward.

I ducked behind him within seconds. The wind bit into me with ferocious insistence, driving me closer to him. He twitched occasionally and told me to hold still several times. I didn’t have his ability to stay warm though. Finally, red cheeked, I laid my face against his back. Through his thin shirt, he warmed me. Sighing, I closed my watering eyes.

She stood before me in her taupe gown looking sad and serene at the same time. Nothing surrounded us but the tiny glow of thousands of multi-colored life sparks.

“This was the beginning,” she said lifting a pale hand to indicate the sparks. Most had a blue center with a grey halo. Almost as many had a blue center with a green halo. Only a few had a yellow center with a green halo. Among those, I saw six unique colors and knew whom they represented.

“The Judgements must maintain balance,” she said. “Only they can decide what that balance may be. Every one thousand years you all return, though only one will remember.” She reached forward and touched me softly on top my head. “Choose wisely, or there may not be a world to return to in another one thousand years.”

“What the hell was that?” Luke shouted in my face.

I blinked my eyes open, trying to pull myself from my dream. Dream? No, it hadn’t felt like the past. What the heck was that? Every one thousand years I returned? How many lives would I need to relive? Those dots…I’d seen them before. One of us had the ability to see the sparks of people around us.

“Well?” Luke continued to look down at me with a furious expression.

Understanding dawned. “Crap! Did I fall asleep?”

“While I was flying down the road on a two-wheeled death trap? Yes!”

He held me cradled in his lap while he still straddled the idling bike. The heat from his thighs warmed my backside. How he’d managed the switch, I had no idea.

“Put me down. Please.” The last word came out a bit clipped. My stomach was going crazy being so close to him, and it annoyed me.

“Gladly.” He surprised me by setting me down gently.

On my own feet, I rubbed my hands over my face. “I’m sorry. I’m tired.” When I glanced back at him, I caught a fleeting look of pity in his eyes. “Save your pity. I don’t need it,” I said. I didn’t need pity. I needed decent sleep and an assurance those things wouldn’t catch me in this lifetime.

He held up his hands in surrender and took a deep, calming breath. “Are you going to fall asleep again? Because we won’t get far this way.”

“Yes, I’ll most likely fall asleep again. No matter what I’ve tried, I can’t seem to avoid it.”

“Maybe you should stop avoiding it,” he suggested with an edge of exasperation in his tone.

I didn’t bother answering. He wouldn’t understand.

He saw something in my face because he sighed and said, “Loosen the strap of your bag as far as it will go, then get on.”

He motioned for me to hurry up when I didn’t immediately do it. Stifling an eye roll, I did as he asked. Once I sat behind him, he grabbed the strap and lifted it over his head—while it was still around me. Then, he went one step further and tightened the strap so I pressed against his back. He grumbled the whole time, and that was the only silver lining in the whole situation.

“Take both arms out so it’s around your waist,” he said.

Understanding he meant to strap me to his back so I wouldn’t fall, I complied. But I didn’t like it.

As soon as he lifted his feet, the dreams pulled me under.

The Taupe Lady once again stood over a new mother. This woman didn’t put the babe to her breast. She set the quiet infant aside and hurried to bury the afterbirth not yet noticing the Taupe Lady. Lying on a coarse blanket shivering in the light warm breeze, I watched her with new eyes.

“The men tracking you have crossed the river,” the Taupe Lady said.

Fear clouded my mother’s eyes, and she spun to face the lady. “Thank you!” My mother scooped me into her arms.

“I did not tell you so you could leave,” the lady explained. “You need them. They are her only protection.”

“I am her protection,” my mother whispered forcefully as she hugged me to her chest to quiet me.

“You protect her from her father, but he will protect her from those who are much worse. For the love you feel for your child, return to him so her life may be spared.”

“Who are you?” my mother asked noticing for the first time that the lady’s feet didn’t quite touch the ground.

“I am a friend. Save your child and return.”

“If I return, he will kill me.”

The Taupe Lady’s eyes filled with sadness. “Yes, he will,” she agreed.

“Then, I cannot.” My mother ran with me.

I woke lying limply against Luke’s back as he braked hard and turned into the parking lot of a small motel.

Instantly alert, I lifted my head. “What are you doing?”

“You keep twitching. You can’t ride sleeping. It’s not safe,” he said over his shoulder as he parked in front of the office.

Not safe? My whole life was not safe. Riding anywhere with one of them was probably not safe. Adding my narcoleptic tendency didn’t really decrease my life expectancy that much more.

He loosened the strap as I argued. “Sleeping strapped to you is better than sleeping here. We need to keep moving.”

“Believe me, I’m all for hurrying, but I’m not going to risk you falling off.” He lifted the strap over his head so we were no longer pressed against each other.

I scrambled to dismount. “I’m not tired anymore.” I saw in his eyes he didn’t buy it for a second. “I don’t want to stay here,” I said as I started to panic.

Taking a ride from him was different from locking myself in a room with him. I didn’t trust him—us—in a room. There was too much pull going on. My stomach went wild at the idea of a room with a bed and him in it. And my eyes dipped to his snug fitting shirt. Given his reaction when I got close to his neck, I didn’t see how this would end well for me.

“Too bad. Inside. Now,” he practically growled at me as he pointed to the door marked “Office.”

I met his eyes for another moment and then pivoted on my heel intent on walking if I needed to. I took one step toward the road. He stood in front of me before I took the second step. He didn’t look happy that I hadn’t immediately complied. We scowled at each other. A yawn ruined any hope I had of him taking me seriously. His expression changed to one of concern.

In my crazy, sleep deprived state, all I wanted to do was lean into him. If he happens to kiss me, I thought vaguely, I’ll just have to endure. Wait. What? No! No kissing. It led to other things, which led to a life of misery. I shook my head to clear it.

He sighed and tilted his head at me.

“You are so tired, luv. Please. Sleep a few hours,” he said.

My stomach went crazy with the pull. Disgusted with myself that a caring tone and a few nice words could cause such a reaction, I snapped at him. “As if sleep is what you really have in mind.”

His eyes widened, and he held up his hands. “Sleep. That is all. I can’t drive fast with you sleeping. Too many things could happen. I might not be able to catch you in time. If we keep going as we are, snow will cover the roads before we reach the Compound.”

“Compound?” I asked, wondering why I was even listening to him.

“It’s where Gabby said to bring you. She promised she would be there.”

The way he worded it gave me pause. “No one is holding her there?”

“Holding her there? No. She…visits. Honestly, she doesn’t seem to like it very much.”

I looked down at the faded blacktop. If they didn’t hold Gabby as a prisoner and she remained free to wander as she pleased, it probably meant Luke truly wanted to help me get to her. Though, it could all be a lie. Calling the number he had given me wouldn’t prove anything. Any woman could answer, and I wouldn’t know the difference.

“I don’t trust you. But…” I looked at the motel. Sleep tugged at me. I was doing what I thought the dreams wanted me to do. Maybe they would leave me alone, and I would actually get some real sleep. “I’ll stay. Just not with you in the same room.”

“Fine.”

His easy agreement didn’t help settle my nerves, but I still followed him into the office. He paid cash for the room and led the way back outside. A sidewalk, protected by the eaves, ran along the building. We didn’t follow it far. He stopped at the door marked with a two. Too close to the office for my comfort.

“I got kicked out of one hotel already. He’s going to hear me for sure.”

“Maybe you won’t have bad dreams,” Luke said as he unlocked the door and stepped aside so I could enter.

I snorted but didn’t bother disagreeing with him. I entered the room, then turned to look at him with an arched brow. He still stood there with his hand on the doorknob.

“I’ll sit on the bench outside and wake you in a few hours.” He started to close the door.

“The key?” Seriously. Did he really think I would be okay with him keeping it?

He smiled. “I’ll hold onto it. Better I wake you when you start getting too loud than the owner.”

I scowled and opened my mouth to argue, but he closed the door too fast. I stared at it for a moment. Could I do this? Could I fall asleep with one of them close by? What could he do to me while I was sleeping that he couldn’t do while awake? Nothing, really. It just made me feel so vulnerable.

Behind me, the mattress sang its siren song luring me enough to turn toward it. It didn’t matter that Luke had a key. He could easily break through the door without it. After all, he’d snuck into one hotel room already.

Kicking off my shoes, I did my usual belly dive into the quilt and closed my eyes with my feet still hanging off the end of the bed. This wouldn’t last more than a few…

The dream that claimed me had a new twist. It split into four views of the same thing. I was my current-self, yet at the same time, I was all three of the other girls in the dream. Disoriented by all four viewpoints, I struggled, trying to focus on just one.

I crouched in my pen with three other girls. Branches, thicker than any of our arms, jabbed into the ground to make the walls of our pen. Trees towered around us. Sunlight occasionally speckled the ground as the canopy above shifted.

The stench of our feces and unwashed bodies clogged my nose. We’d been kept in the pen for seven days. The youngest girl, with the strawberry blonde hair, had been first. She paced the earthen floor as she glared at our captors who lounged languidly beyond our pen wall. Her tiny stature and youth didn’t make her very menacing, yet. But when she hit puberty, she would be a force to reckon with.

The most recent captive sobbed softly. Still in her teens but older than all of us, she’d been made to Claim then mate with someone. She kept her eyes fixed on the ground. I sat next to her with an arm around her shoulders. And, like the youngest, I watched our captors.

The fourth member of the party slept and twitched as she did so.

I felt the pain and anguish of the one crying, the rage of the one pacing, the determination of the one holding her sister, and the pure terror of the one dreaming. We were all the same yet different. Sisters of the same womb. Daughters of the Taupe Lady. Pieces in a game we never wanted to play.

The branch door of our pen drifted open in the breeze. None of us moved to run, but it still caught the attention of the men watching us.

“If she is old enough to look at us with hate, she is old enough to mate,” one said as he stood. He towered over all of us. A scrap of leather covered his loins. The rest of him remained dusty and bare.

The sister who paced stopped moving and stared at him, her chin tucked close to her chest so she watched him from under her brow. He strode purposefully toward her.

The dream narrowed so I no longer felt the other three. Just her. Just her anger. Her fear. She knew what he wanted. What he intended to do. She would die.

He gripped my arm tightly and pulled me from the pen. The sobbing one flew forward like a wildcat and tried fighting him. It did no good. She sailed back and hit the branches with a hollow thump. The girl next to her tried pulling my arm back. It didn’t matter; he swatted her away, too. His big hand reached for me. I bit him hard and felt my teeth hit bone. He hit me; the flat of his palm connected with a crack. I saw stars. My heart beat wildly. I struggled as he lifted me.

The dream faded and restful oblivion cocooned me. I barely registered the gentle kiss pressed against my forehead. I slept.

Stretching my arms wide, my hand lightly smacked into a face. I stilled and opened my eyes. The white ceiling above greeted me. Cautiously turning my head, I met Luke’s amused gaze peeking through the fingers of the hand that still covered his face.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I sat up with a scowl. We both lay on top the covers; a line of pillows separated us. I felt rested, but waking with him next to me unsettled me.

“You were having a bad dream. I came in to wake you, but you quieted. So I decided to use my time wisely and sleep, too.” I narrowed my eyes at him and he quickly added, “I kept it proper. See?” He gestured to the pillows.

“I don’t care if you put a —”

“I’m starving. Let’s eat.” He rose from the bed with a stretch and moved toward the door. I continued to glare at him.

“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re trying to do. I won’t let my guard down. A few moments of kindness will not make me fall into your arms.”

He stopped by the door and turned to look at me, his face carefully blank. “I don’t want you in my arms.”

“Liar.” I swung my legs off the bed and stood. Did he think me stupid? I yanked my bag up off the nearby chair.

Luke scratched his jawline as he hesitated by the door. “I don’t understand why you’re so angry.” Frustration laced his words despite his relaxed pose.

I barely understood myself. I didn’t really think he wanted to wear me down, but getting angry seemed a better way to keep some distance between us. The idea of someone watching over me just to watch over me…well, that swayed me more than it should have. It also made me miss my mom. She used to do that before my world broke. Before I discovered there were some things she couldn’t protect me from. My teeth clenched against my resentment. I hated knowing. I hated the dreams, and at the moment, I hated him, too.

“What’s to understand?” I practically screamed at him, angry that he was making me say it. “I’m not safe. I’ll never be safe again. I’m so tired, I have no idea how to help myself, and I don’t know if I can trust you.”

His eyes softened, and he lifted a hand as if he wanted to move toward me. But, he stopped himself, dropped his hand, and sighed softly.

“We can stay here longer so you can rest,” he said.

I threw my arms up in the air. “It won’t do any good.” At his blank look, I said, “I’m reliving all our past lives, mine and my sisters. I’ve been cut, beaten, starved, raped, drowned, and even blinded.”

His eyes hardened at each method of torture I listed, but I barely paid his reaction any attention. Listing the things that I had experienced brought the memories too close to the surface, and there were so many more ways his kind had hurt me that I’d left unsaid.

“Every time I close my eyes, I see more, and there’s no rest when that’s what I see. When I wake I’m just as tired as I was when I went to sleep. And I don’t just see the past, I feel it. Every injury. Every forced intimate moment. If I let myself dwell on it, I won’t ever feel whole again.” I gave a pained snort. “I’m not really sure I do now. If I’ve ever had a happy past life, I don’t remember it. Instead, I remember the pain, and death. Always death…” I said, starting to cry in anger and in fear. “I don’t want to die again,” I whispered brokenly. “But if you’re here to try to get me to choose you, you can’t have me.” I said the words to help remind me, too. He was so…nice. It made the Taupe Lady’s warning hard to remember. “Even if it means I have to die again.”

He growled, and I saw how what I said had affected him. Jaw clenched, he fought the skin-rippling change trying to consume him. He turned and forcefully yanked open the door. The trim splintered near the latch. When he slammed it shut behind him, a piece fell to the floor.

Stunned, I flopped back down on the bed with a slow sigh. I’d baited him—what? Twice now? Three times?—and I was still unharmed, breathing. A crazy half-sob, half-laugh bubbled from my chest.

The roar of his motorcycle reached me. I hopped off the bed and raced to the door, opening it just in time to see him speed away.

Stupefied, I stood in the doorway for several long moments before my brain kicked in. What an idiot for clarifying who I was when I knew I couldn’t trust him. Who knew what he was up to? They always appeared in packs. Maybe he was getting the rest of his pack. Then, I thought of Baen. He’d been alone the first time; but he’d made me bite him before he ran off. So, this was different. And I wasn’t a clueless, stupid kid this time. Yet, I still made tired mistakes. I needed to move.

Closing the door, I quickly circled the bed looking for my shoes. They weren’t there. I checked the bathroom, using it quickly in the process, and didn’t see anything there either. My chest started to tighten. I didn’t have time to waste but couldn’t just leave without them. My feet were tough, but the temperature was dropping. I wouldn’t make it far.

Growling in frustration, I grabbed my bag and dug for as many pairs of socks as I could find. Two. I sat on the bed to pull them on over the ones I wore, but didn’t get the chance.

I fell into a dream. Hard.

A sprinkling of water on my face woke me before I died. Still caught up in the dream, I looked up at Luke and blinked in confusion at his disgruntled expression.

“You already slept ten hours. How can you still be this tired?”

“I’m not,” I said sitting up quickly.

He stood before me with a white paper bag and a large thick paper cup in one hand. The other hand shone wetly.

“The dreams take me over sometimes, no matter how rested I am,” I mumbled feeling the need to explain. He held out the cup to me. I didn’t move to take it as I remembered how he’d taken off. “I thought you left to get the rest of your men.”

He huffed a martyr style sigh and sat beside me on the bed. Too close in my opinion.

“What men?”

Instead of answering, I looked down at my hands while trying to ignore the quick erratic heartbeat his close proximity caused. He misunderstood my move and made a small noise of annoyance.

“Never mind,” I mumbled.

“Bethi, I really am here to help you. No strings. I just don’t know how,” he said softly.

He thought I just didn’t trust him. He was right. I didn’t. But that wasn’t the reason for my hesitancy. I didn’t like feeling so dependent on him. Especially since my insides kept going crazy when he was close or when I looked at him or when I smelled him. It was getting ridiculous.

“You are helping me,” I said trying for brusque detachment. “If not for you, I’d be walking.”

He studied my profile for a moment before handing me the cup. “I thought coffee might help.”

My throat dried at the quiet concern laced in with his words, so I accepted the cup and took a hasty swig. It scalded my tongue, and I almost spit it back into the cup. Instead, I swallowed, burning a layer from my throat. Ignoring his concerned frown, I suggested we hit the road. I was uncomfortable just sitting there.

“I brought you something to eat, too,” he said opening the bag and pulling out a plastic carton.

He sat there patiently holding out the food, waiting for me to decide.

My mouth watered as a hint of bacony goodness drifted my way. He quirked a slight smile at me as I reached for it, but he willingly handed it over. A stacked breakfast sandwich lay inside. My stomach rumbled as I looked at it. I sat next to him and devoured the offering. He smiled as he watched me. I ignored him.

When I threw the carton in the garbage, he stood, picked up my bag, reached inside his jacket, and pulled out my shoes.

“Gee, thanks,” I drawled, reclaiming my missing shoes.

Luke grinned in response and handed me the jacket as well before he shouldered my bag and walked out the door to check us out of the room. I set my almost empty coffee to the side, sat, and peeled off the extra socks.

He’d done it again, helped me without demanding anything in return. Was he just waiting for a moment of weakness before he pounced, or had my dream about Baen pointed me toward help? I wanted to believe Luke was the help I was meant to find. Yet he also did things to make sure I didn’t run from him. I mean, come on! He stole my shoes. And did he think I didn’t notice him leaving with my bag? I wondered why he did any of it. Was it because he thought I wouldn’t be safe if I struck out on my own again or something else? I really wanted the answer to be because he was worried about me. Yet, at the same time, I knew I was being irrational. How many lifetimes had the werewolves shown me that they couldn’t be trusted. It far outnumbered the two lifetimes—so far, anyway—that they had tried to keep me safe. Still…I wanted to believe. The thought that he was keeping me captive…well, I needed to believe my life wasn’t hopeless.

I beat him to the motorcycle and waited, watching him cross the parking lot. My heart gave a quick stutter as he got closer. He moved with purpose, and his eyes swept over me. I tried to squash any signs of my physical attraction, but I couldn’t help watching his long legs clear the seat with ease. To distract myself, I wondered what he’d look like as a dog. Would he have those same menacingly eerie eyes? Would he threaten me with his teeth?

After settling behind him, he motioned to the strap on his shoulder. I grudgingly lifted the bag around my torso. Falling from the back of the bike didn’t sound fun.

We pulled away in a hurry. Even with all of the sleep, I felt the tug of the next dream. I tried everything from sticking my face in the wind—versus staying crouched behind Luke—to biting my lip as hard as I could. Eventually, the dream won.