(Un)wise

I needed a fix, and I needed it bad. Standing in the mall, I reviewed my options while nervously tugging the long sleeves of my shirt over my wrists to hide the scars there. Since it was a Sunday afternoon, nicely dressed kids trailed behind their equally neat parents in the packed mall. In my worn, dirty clothes from the day before, I stood out. The clerk in the drug store would certainly remember me from yesterday. I’d almost tipped over while waiting in line. When my turn came at the register, he’d looked me over and asked for my ID. His doubtful, long gaze at it had made my palms sweat. When he’d finally glanced up at me, he’d asked, “Are you sure you want these?”

I couldn’t go back to the same clerk. My ID was okay at a glance, but it wasn’t a great fake ID. And he’d wonder why I was back for more pills when what I’d purchased yesterday should have lasted at least three days.

Shifting from one foot to the other, I chewed on my nail knowing what I needed to do but hating it.

Dani and her friend, Cadence, loitered near the food court, talking. Dani stood six inches taller than me, had multicolored hair (pink and red today), and a cheek piercing to enhance her classic features. She’d get what I needed if I asked. I knew she had a soft spot for me despite her slightly tough appearance. She wouldn’t even ask for money though I did have it crumpled in my pocket. No, she was interested in something else as payment.

Everyone knew Dani swung the other way. Just like she knew I didn’t. But it didn’t stop her from asking for a kiss anyway. She didn’t demand a kiss from anyone else. The first time I’d asked for her help, I thought she was doing it to test me. To see if I was really serious about what I wanted her to buy. I’d been desperate. Yeah, I kissed a girl…and I didn’t like it.

If I was careful about when I bought, I didn’t need to ask her. I’d learned to be careful. I tried to wash up, change my clothes if there were any to change into; and I tried to close my eyes. Not to sleep. No, not that. I just tried to relax so I wouldn’t look like a troubled kid strung out on drugs. And I wasn’t. Strung out on drugs that is. I was definitely troubled. More troubled than anyone around me would ever guess.

I realized my train of thought had drifted and reined it back in. I needed caffeine, stimulants…whatever I could get my hands on over the counter to stay awake. Not forever. No. I tried to take thirty-minute naps throughout the day and night. If I did that, I could still function. Sort of. Not really. But it was better than the dreams.

Last night I’d finally succumbed. I’d slept twelve hours. I felt like crap today. I’d died again. Several times actually. I hated dying. The last one had been violent. Dogs that looked very human had torn me apart. They’d talked. Well, yelled really. They’d wanted me to choose. I didn’t know what.

A shiver ran through me. Just thinking about the dream made me tired. I ran my fingers through my oily, dark hair to comb it out, hoping it looked decent. I couldn’t remember my last shower and cringed at the thought of my mom seeing me like this. Thankfully, she worked. A lot. We communicated via notes left on the fridge. Mostly she told me to clean my room. I kept it strategically messy to help hide whatever it was I bought that week, day, hour, whatever… I sighed and rubbed my head. It ached constantly.

My wandering eyes shifted back to Dani. She watched me with a slight smile. She knew. I didn’t know how she could stand kissing me. I looked and felt like crap. At least I’d brushed my teeth before leaving the house. Stuffing my hands into the pockets of my faded, ripped jeans, I started making my way to Dani and the next torturous kiss.

“Bethi Pederson,” Dani said, flashing her straight white teeth at me. A smile. Friendly, but the sight reminded me of the snarling gleam from my dream. I fought not to cringe.

“I didn’t think I’d see you any time soon.” Her eyes roved my face, and she angled her head. “You don’t look so good, hun. What’s up?”

“Same clerk as yesterday. Can you—”

She didn’t let me finish.

“Bethi, maybe you’d be better off coming home with me and sleeping for a few hours.”

Cadence rolled her eyes at Dani’s comment but said nothing. I could just imagine what would happen if I went home with Dani. Though, looking into her soft brown eyes, the concern there made me hesitate. Sure, she’d probably put a move on me, but I knew she’d also try to get me to rest. To help me. I really did like Dani, just not that way. If only she knew sleeping was the last thing I needed. I needed peace. Two totally different things. The thought of someone helping me was tempting, but I knew I had to deal with this on my own.

“Thanks, Dani, but I can’t.” I pulled my hand out of my pocket and tried giving her the money.

She didn’t move to take it. “You know the price.” Her smile was gone.

“Why?” I partially whined unable to keep the anxious uncertainty from my voice. “You know I like guys, Dani. Plus, I look like hell. Probably smell bad too.”

She studied me for a moment. I tried to look confident, but my arms wrapped around me so I hugged myself.

“It’s your eyes,” she said, taking pity on me but shrugged away any further explanation.

I averted my deep blue eyes, which looked violet in certain light or on days when I got very little sleep. Against my pale skin and dark hair, they startled people with their naturally vivid coloring.

“As far as liking guys goes, I’m hoping you’ll change your mind.” Her lips curved in a soft smile.

I was glad she didn’t mention my smell. It would have hurt. I wanted to shower, but the warm water put me to sleep, and standing tense under a jet of frigid water wasn’t worth the pounding headache afterward.

Exhaustion made the floor dip and crest under my feet. Enough playing around. We both knew I didn’t have a choice. I closed the distance between us, fisted my hands in her hair, and pulled her down for a kiss. Her lips were soft and warm against mine. My stomach turned sour as memories swamped me.

This wasn’t the first life in which I’d kissed a girl. There’d been so many dreams since the start of the school year. In each dream, I starred as the leading lady. I felt what she felt, saw what she saw—her, but not her. After a while, I began to notice similarities. The dreams themselves didn’t repeat, but it often felt like I dreamt of the same person even though their appearances changed from one dream to the next. Each time I closed my eyes and dreamed, I had a unique ability. In all the dreams so far, there had been six distinct abilities…six unique women. Learning about them and what they could do was by far the most interesting portion of the dream. If only the dreams ended there. The appearance of the beasts and what they did made me shudder. But worse still were all the deaths I experienced.

Dani misunderstood my shudder and lifted a hand to my cheek as she kissed me sweetly in return. After counting to four in my head, I pulled back hoping it’d been enough.

The dream kiss had been just as chaste. But it’d felt different. I’d been saying goodbye to someone I loved dearly. Maybe a sister or best friend. The girl in my dream hadn’t spoken. She’d simply turned and calmly pushed through the fleeing crowd, people running from the beasts who screamed in their guttural voices for me to step forward. In that dream, my life had been spared…for a while. Hers had been taken.

“Kay. I’ll get you what you need.” She walked away leaving me standing with Cadence.

My hot, gritty eyes tracked her progress. How could I feel this tired after sleeping twelve hours? My life hadn’t been like this for long. After the first dream almost three months ago, I’d slept fine for several nights before figuring out the dreams were skipping nights here and there. On the nights I had those dreams, I woke as tired as I’d been when I went to bed. Too soon, I started having them every night. Sometimes several dreams a night if I managed to fall back to sleep. So many dreams. But, I’d learned something.

Without a doubt, each dream played a scene from a past life, an echo of memory. The surety that I was remembering, and not just dreaming made me doubt my sanity. Some thing throughout history continued to hunt me…and others like me. Yeah, I wasn’t alone. Sometimes the women looked similar to how I appeared now. Sometimes I wasn’t me, but a completely different person, one of the other five. Often names repeated in different lifetimes, or we had family members with the same names. But, it was the lingering details of the life after waking that convinced me they were surfacing memories and not just random dreams.

Usually I died young, unaware of the danger. Sometimes, the dreams came and helped me to prepare. To run. Either way, I never lasted long. They could track me by my scent. Back then, though, there hadn’t been cars or other ways to travel fast. I hoped this time would be different. I had no doubt…they would come. But maybe I could finally out run them.

I closed my eyes for a second to relieve the hot sting. They stayed closed and wouldn’t open no matter how hard I tried. My legs felt weak, and I knew I’d crumple to the ground any moment. In a distant part of my mind, a dream gathered, an angry storm of memories, swirling and gaining speed.

Cadence’s voice and rough hold pulled me back from the brink of sleep.

“Geez, Bethi. Get a grip. People are staring.”

Paranoia fueled an adrenaline spike. My eyes popped open. My knees kept shaking, but no longer from sleep. Flight or fight mode. I was ready to fly. Controlling my breathing and relaxing my shoulders, I glanced around. A security guard watched me. My relief sprouted a genuine smile on my face. The woman looked confused for a moment, then shook her head and turned away. I could only imagine what she thought of my odd behavior.

“Thanks,” I mumbled to Cadence, thinking of the adrenaline rush. Maybe that was the way to go. I fingered the scars on my arms. Pain, though effective, was a pointless method to stay awake. After all, it was the pain in my dreams I wanted to avoid.

Adrenaline might be the answer. I’d watched myself and others do amazing things in my dreams because of it. Although, there were times it didn’t work. The phrase “flight or fight” should really be “flight, fight, or freeze.” So many times the surrealism of the situation shuts down a person’s brain even though the body is pumped full of that magic juice.

Fingers waggled in front of my eyes, and I realized I’d been drifting in my own thoughts. Dani stood in front of me with an amused smile, one that didn’t reach her eyes.

“I got you some caffeine pills and a Monster, but rent-a-cop over there is watching us. So how about you tell us what’s got you so messed up. And don’t say no sleep, we got that.”

Dani’s eyes pulled me in, encouraging me to let someone help. I’d tried talking to my mom about the dreams, but her answer had been to try sleeping pills. She didn’t really hear the problem within my dreams even though she listened to my whole explanation. Since I already questioned my sanity, I hadn’t wanted her to start questioning it too so I let it drop. Last thing I wanted was a padded room and an IV cocktail. No, better keep my crazies to myself.

“Haunting memories. Let’s leave it at that,” I said with a smile I didn’t feel. We were getting too serious, and I needed to break the mood somehow or pretty soon Dani wouldn’t be so willing to help me. Not even for a kiss.

Cadence cleared her throat. “Hottie approaching.”

Before I could turn to look, I felt a light tap on my shoulder.

“Pardon, do you know where the loo is?”

Loo? I turned to look over the owner of the clipped British accent. Holy, hotness. Shock and awe filled me. My heart stuttered out a beat as my mind went blank. It did that a lot lately.

The man stood well over six feet. Lean and long, his shoulders filled out his worn, brown leather jacket. The mall lights glinted off his bronzed, mussed hair and highlighted the amused twinkle in his hazel eyes. Eyes a girl could lose herself in. Why couldn’t I have kissed him instead of Dani? The wayward thought bounced around in my head for a moment as I stared at his dark brown lashes and tried not to sigh. Or drool. I reined myself in not wanting to hurt Dani’s feelings. She still had what I needed. I blinked at him while trying to think. His lips twitched as he waited for me. His gaze skimmed me, not settling anywhere, just taking me in the same as I was doing to him.

A sense of familiarity settled over me, and my stomach did a weird little flip. I tried to study him with indifference. Was this someone I knew but my sleep deprived brain had forgotten? Embarrassing.

I closed my mouth, swallowed hard, hoped I wouldn’t blush, and tried for cool-sarcastic, “Oh my God, an accent. Take me, I’m yours.”

Dani and Cadence sniggered. I curved my lips in a smile as I waited for him to go away. I just wanted to get my stuff and leave.

Something in the man’s expression changed. He tilted his head and took a slow deep breath. I thought for a moment he had a witty reply or would say something rude. Instead, he leaned toward me, his eyes locked on mine, and murmured, “You smell amazing.”

My insides froze and, for the second time in five minutes, adrenaline spiked through my veins. He pulled back, his intense gaze never leaving mine. I struggled to contain my panic and to think clearly. I did not smell amazing.

His pupils dilated as he continued to watch me. A smile tugged at his lips.

A small sound escaped me somewhere between a whimper and a throat clearing. Dani moved beside me. I knew she was trying to figure out my reaction, but I couldn’t spare her more than a passing thought.

He caught the noise. Awareness crept into his eyes almost as if he’d emerged from a trance. His smile faded, and he began to look troubled. It didn’t matter. I’d witnessed that concentrated look before and knew what he meant, what he was.

I didn’t want to die, but all those dreams had prepared me for what would come next. Dani and Cadence needed to get out of range. Now. Memories of blood and carnage, of the gory ending of past lives, flitted around in my mind. My heart tripled its rhythm at the remembered pain.

“I need a minute,” I said to Dani and Cadence. My voice remained calm and steady. Weary acceptance filled my lungs and radiated throughout me.

They nodded and moved a few feet away. I glanced at the rent-a-cop. Her attention once again rested on me. I knew better than to try calling for her help but still felt a small glimmer of hope. Maybe I was safe. Maybe the crowd was enough.

He watched me expectantly, his eyes causing my stomach to do erratic flips of joy. One of their kind always called to me like that. Messing with my insides, my emotions, pulling me to them like a moth to a flame. Just like the poor winged creature, it never ended well for me.

“I do not smell amazing,” I said softly, trying to keep anyone from overhearing. “I smell like I need a shower. Badly.”

He frowned, held up his hands in a placating manner, and said, “No offense, luv. I’m just looking for the loo.”

I stared at him for a moment, the wild beat of my heart pounding in my ears as I tried to decide what game he played. Barely lifting my hand, I pointed to the right near the rent-a-cop wondering how long he’d keep up the pretense.

He nodded his thanks, but didn’t move. He hesitated. His eyes swept my face. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say more. Instead, he jammed his hands into his pockets and walked away.

Stunned, I watched him leave. My mind tried to keep up with what my eyes processed. One of them was walking away from me. What did it mean? It meant I wasn’t dead. Yet. I knew what I needed to do. Wait…wait for it. He kept walking away. I felt Dani join me as my eyes remained riveted on the man. He didn’t glance back, not once, before rounding the corner to the bathrooms.

“Don’t come back here,” I whispered to Dani.

Then, I ran.

The overgrown, low border hedges lining the sidewalk of my house loomed ahead. I hurtled them neatly, not knowing I had it in me. Palming the key from my pocket, I slid it into the lock of the front door entering the house only seconds after leaping into the yard. I slammed the door behind me and didn’t bother looking out the window to see if I had been followed. Either he would break down the door or not. Looking wouldn’t change the outcome, and I couldn’t waste time. Not a second.

My bedroom slowed me down a bit as I waded through the ankle-deep clothes swamp. Snatching the grey duffle from under the bed, I crammed in whatever lay nearby until I couldn’t fit more. I struggled with the zipper, and the harsh panting of my breath filled the room.

Could he follow my scent even though I had taken the bus most of the way home? Would it slow him down?

I grabbed the dwindling supply of money I’d stashed away for a car and stuffed it in my bra.

Was I taking too long?

Hands shaking, I hefted the duffle. Its heavy weight settled on my shoulder anchoring me to the reality of here and now as I left my room. I needed to catch another bus. This time it would need to take me much further.

Mom’s note on the refrigerator caught my eye. I stopped moving and stared at it. My throat tightened. She wouldn’t understand why I’d left, and I would never be able to come home. The grief turned into fear when I thought of what she would do after she realized I was gone. She would do everything she could to find me again. Police. Newspapers. Radio. If she called too much attention to herself, to me…I shuddered at the possibilities.

I hastily searched for paper and a pen. I had to give her a reason for disappearing. The message hurt to write. My hand shook as I signed it. Then, I pulled out my cell phone and set it on the kitchen table along with the note.

Mom,

School’s not for me. I want to see the world. I’m sorry for leaving like this, but hope you’ll understand someday.

Bethony

The words screamed at me from the paper. Lies. She’d be hurt and confused, but what else could I say? Tell her about the monsters who would come and threaten her for information? No, she’d go to the police with whatever I wrote. They’d think I just needed a padded room for a while.

But the people looking for me? When they came—and they would come—she would probably show them the note hoping they might help find me. If they thought she knew something more, they would hurt her to get it. Keeping her in the dark might help keep her safe. I didn’t even want to tell her that I loved her, fearing they’d see it as leverage.

I left my house, jogging toward the bus stop I knew had pickups heading out of town. I didn’t turn to look at my house one last time, though I wanted to. I kept focused on what I needed to do.

Several people stood waiting when I got there. After asking, I found the next bus wouldn’t arrive for at least another fifteen minutes. Time enough for the adrenaline, which had been keeping me going, to ease out of my system. Time enough for the man with an accent to catch up to me. Time enough for me to give in to the ever-present urge to sleep.

I eyed the people around me. An older crowd, geriatric types. Generally safe. But with that man, that thing, chasing me, I couldn’t risk sleeping.

Easing into a squat and leaning back against the pole of the bus stop sign, I struck up a polite conversation with an elderly lady. She introduced herself as Willa Delson and didn’t seem to mind when my attention wandered or I slurred a few words between yawns. By the time the bus rolled up, I’d looked at all of the pictures of her grandkids and great grandkids. Very cute, happy kids. I hoped they never learned the truth: monsters were real. If they did, they would never smile at a camera again.

I paid the driver for the farthest stop on his run, a three-hour drive that would take me north. Having found a friend in Willa, I asked to sit next to her. Her ticket took her to the same town, so we settled in for a long ride. She shared the snacks she’d stashed in her handbag and chatted about seeing her newest great grandchild. Six pounds and seven ounces, Joy Marie Delson wailed her way into the world only a week ago. My desperation to stay awake had me absorbing Willa’s every word. At the end of three hours, I could have pretended to be a member of the extensive Delson clan. My legs twitched with pre-sleep spasms several times, but I didn’t succumb.

The bus dropped us in front of Chris’s Cooking Café. A sign in the window advertised CCC’s specials at very low prices. My stomach rumbled. I couldn’t remember if I’d had anything for dinner. My days blurred.

Willa waved goodbye as she spotted her daughter-in-law, the new grandmother, waiting for her. My stomach growled as I smiled farewell. Tired was bad enough. Tired and hungry wouldn’t work. I couldn’t run—not far anyway—if I didn’t eat. I strode to the restaurant. The smell of fryer oil greeted me. Their prices were low, as advertised, but not fast food low. Who knew how long I would need to keep moving. My money wouldn’t last. I settled on a plain burger from the kids menu. The waitress gave me a look but let it go.

After devouring my baby burger, I walked to the only motel in town where the waitress said I could find a bus schedule. The posted schedule showed that the same run that had dropped me here would take me back at the same time the following day. No thanks. Other than packing before running, I hadn’t thought very far ahead. Too tired to concentrate, I decided to sleep a few hours and then think of a plan.

The man behind the desk eyed me when I asked for a room. The need to sleep coated me in a thick film giving the world a surreal quality. I knew I’d fall hard and worried what would happen if I started screaming. I decided to tell him that I suffered from night terrors. The clerk stared at me and took a second look at my fake ID while I tried not to fidget. Finally, he gave me a bill along with the key.

I needed to plan where to go from here, but the bed swallowed me whole as soon as I closed the door. My exhaustion didn’t give me a chance to enjoy the feeling. Immediately, images of a dark haired girl surfaced behind my closed eyes. Crap. I didn’t want to die again.

She stood panting at the edge of a cliff, staring straight ahead at nothing. The craggy face of the rock dropped steeply to the tree-filled valley below. Moonlight highlighted each rock and scrub brush.

The details soaked into me, and the perspective shifted as usual. I slipped further into the dream, becoming her.

Clutching my hands together, I could imagine each scratch and break my body would suffer. I looked down at a large rip in the forearm of my leather tunic. Dark clotting blood from a vicious bite glistened in the silvery light.

An eerie cry echoed behind me. My panicked heart slowed as I made a decision. I turned from the cliff to watch my pursuers silently emerge from the trees and close the distance. Sleek, furred heads rose to howl together in triumph.

The leader slowly loped forward, shifting forms as he approached. His paws widened and fingers emerged where pads once existed. Black claws shrank and flattened into human nails. Fur receded into skin as bones popped and reshaped giving the forelimbs a human appearance. As soon as his feet developed, he reared back to stand on his morphing legs.

Snuffling through his shrinking snout, he spoke before his tongue fully changed. It garbled his words, but I still understood him.

“Amusing chase, but it is time to choose. We will keep you safe as they couldn’t.”

Safe? Rage boiled in my heart. One of them had bit me during their attack on my village, a poor example of their care for me. Did he honestly think he could persuade me to go with them? They were unnatural. Evil. The dark glint in his eyes showed it. I saw only one outcome.

“I choose death,” I said savagely as I pushed off with my feet doing a backward dive off the cliff’s edge. Inside I screamed with fear.

I felt each bounce against the rocky surface until my neck broke bringing dark respite.

Warmth blanketed me, weighing me down comfortably. Something gentle pressed briefly against my forehead. I felt comforted as the dream shifted. I didn’t want to witness another death. I tried to surface, but I was in too deep.

Tall stalks of grass and wild flowers swayed in the gentle breeze. To the west, the sun’s dying rays painted the sky. A single furrowed dirt track, perhaps made by game, followed the edge of the woods to the east. The air smelled fresh and crisp with no hint of pollution.

In this dream, I drifted as a bodiless bystander without someone else’s thoughts or feelings pushing into me as if my own. I observed the area, curious about the change in perspective.

A circle of stones crowned a patch of barren earth in the middle of the wind-ruffled grasses. Seven women stood within. I could see them clearly. One of them had a round, distended stomach, very large with child, and she was dressed better than the rest. Her taupe gown, a thin flowing material, molded itself to her belly in the breeze. The rest knelt in a half circle before her, dressed in rough skins and furs. Dirt dusted their skin and matted hair.

The pregnant one spoke in a guttural tongue. It took a moment for her words to make any sense.

“These I give onto you for your protection.”

The speaker motioned for the woman to her right to come to her. The woman stood and approached the one in the taupe gown, her steps hesitant. The woman in taupe gave a small encouraging smile. Her eyes held so many emotions: concern, sadness, hope…

Placing a hand on her swollen belly and the other on the coarse woman’s flat stomach, she spoke a single word, “Strength.” Immediately, her roundness decreased while a bump formed on the other woman’s previously flat stomach.

The woman gave a startled yelp and quickly moved back to her kneeling position, her hand protectively cradling her newly rounded middle. The woman in the gown motioned to the next primitive and repeated the process. It continued until the stomachs of those kneeling were all rounded with child, and hers showed no sign of inflation.

“Go,” she said softly to her group. They stood and parted, each heading in separate directions.