Until You (Off-Limits)

I lean back against the wall in the corner of the bar, my eyes on Aria. We’re supposed to be celebrating the completion of the project her team has been working on, but she doesn’t look happy. This is her moment. Having her name on software like the one her team created is all she’s dreamt of for years — yet she looks like she’d rather be anywhere else right now.

I watch her as Laura hands her a glass of wine, taking in the fake, forced smile on her lips. When is the last time I saw her smile?

A real smile. One of those that makes her eyes light up and her cheeks flush. When is the last time I saw true joy in her eyes?

I miss her. I miss the woman she used to be, the one I’m slowly but surely destroying. I’m to blame. I’m the one that took the joy from her and I continue to hurt her day by day. My mind replays the look in her eyes when I last touched her. I used her. I lost control when she wrapped her lips around my cock, and I used her for my own pleasure. I keep telling myself that I love her and that I’ll never hurt her, but when it came down to it, I was only concerned with my own pleasure.

Every part of me wants to reach out to her and tell her that I need her with every fiber of my being. I want her in my arms so my heart can be at ease, so my father’s words can’t reach me.

But I can’t use her that way. I can’t put her in harm’s way out of pure selfishness. The way she clutched at her throat just a few days ago, the tears in her eyes… I can’t put her through that again, no matter how badly I need her.

Aria nods at Laura, the two of them engrossed in conversation, and I sigh. She’s so fucking beautiful. I wish she’d look at me, I wish she’d smile at me. I want her to walk up to me with that look in her eyes that I’ve always loved, the one that tells me she and I are the only ones in on secret. I need her… yet I don’t dare let it show.

A selfish part of me wishes she’d realize how much I crave her attention. I want her to treat me the way she did when she found me sitting in church. Back then she told me that my past doesn’t define my future, but I guess it does.

I knew she’d pull away from me eventually. I knew reality would catch up on us. Hell, I knew I lost her the day I hurt her. She hasn’t looked at me the same since. The faith and hope she clung to lost its hold on her the second I touched her in a way I shouldn’t have. I lost her trust, and rightfully so. I can’t keep her safe. Despite all of the promises I made myself, I can’t protect her from myself. I can’t run from the monster within.

Aria looks up when Riley approaches her… and she smiles. She smiles at him in that way that was always reserved for me. I swallow hard and try my hardest to pull my gaze away, but I can’t. I’m transfixed. I’ll take whatever I can get from her. I’ll take every one of her smiles, even if they aren’t aimed at me.

She looks into his eyes, and I tighten my grip on my glass, raising it to my lips. The liquor burns down my throat and I revel in it. She’s been pulling away from me recently, and I can’t even blame her. All I can do is stand back and watch her slip away, knowing she deserves far better than me.

The son of a rapist… Aria deserves better than that. I have no right to even touch her. Hell, I shouldn’t even get to call her mine.

And soon I won’t. I know it. I see it in her eyes. All I see reflected back at me these days is the sorrow I surround her with. I’m infecting her with my vileness, and it’s robbing her of all that makes her her.

Riley offers Aria his hand and she tenses as she raises her head to look at me, our eyes meeting across the room. I force myself to look away. I see the pleading look, the hope in her eyes, but I can’t intervene now. I can’t stop her from taking Riley’s hand, not when I can’t offer her my own. She deserves to smile the way she did seconds ago. She deserves to dance like I know she loves to, the way Riley is asking her to. If I can’t give her what she needs, I have to step back and let her reach for the happiness I’m taking from her.

My heart twists fucking painfully and I swallow hard as Riley twirls around the woman of my dreams. A man like him… yeah. I don’t think anyone would ever be good enough for Aria, but Riley would be better for her than I could ever be. She laughs as he spins her around, and the sound makes my heart race. That happiness… she doesn’t experience that around me. Not anymore.

Why does she stay? Is it out of guilt? Is it because I offered her the job she wanted above all else? Or is it simply because of Noah?

I shake my head and run a hand through my hair. Nah… I bet it’s just her heart. Aria probably can’t walk away right now, not even when she knows that she should. I bet she’s waiting for the right time. I bet she’s starting to feel trapped. She’s probably regrets all the promises she made me but just doesn’t know how to get out of them now. A woman like Aria… her conscience won’t allow her to walk away.

I tense when Aria pauses on the dance floor, her eyes on Riley’s and her hands on his chest. That’s how she always used to touch me. He leans in to speak to her, and my heart fucking breaks. She’s moving on right in front of my eyes, and there’s nothing I can do or say to make her stay. I don’t even deserve to speak up, to fight for her. I don’t deserve her.

The glass I’m holding shatters from the force I’m gripping it with and the shards cut into me deeply. I glance at my hand, blood rapidly staining my skin, and I welcome the pain with a type of detachment that’s hard to put into words. The sting of the cuts can’t keep me distracted for long, though. Not when Aria is a mere few steps away.

I look up at her, silently begging her to notice my pain, to notice me. She doesn’t. Her eyes never leave Riley’s and I turn to walk away, leaving her in the arms of another man.